Kafkaesque

Honesty time. My dad is a drug addict. Oxy. I used today, my husband's 30th birthday celebration in which I spent $2K to celebrate it, as a time to confront him about it. Why? Because I was drunk.

Backstory: I was sober for nearly 3 months (again). I was prescribed antidepressants a month ago which made me feel a world better. So what did I think? I was okay again. I could drink causally again. It worked somewhat better except for the fact that I spent most days thinking about drinking after work. I thought it was normal because I could actually stop drinking after a few.... Some days, anyway.

Until today. My husband's 30th birthday where I decided confront my father about his addiction. I nearly ruined my husband's birthday. Nearly brought myself into debt again. And definitely isolated myself from my father because he refused to admit his addiction even at the risk at his daughter's health. But it made me realize no matter how hard I try to be different, I'll always be an alcoholic. I'm an addict. It's in my blood. But I'd rather change now than have my kids grow up to realize that fact and rather live a life that doesn't revolve around alcohol and nicotine.

I'm changing. I'll walk away from my best friend (toxic influence) than watch my life go up in flames again. I can't again.

I think I knew this would happen. At least to some extent, I knew I'd be back here.

I missed you guys. I don't usually miss people. But I missed you all more than I missed drinking. I never realized that until now. 5 times the charm?? Please help. I'm still drunk. But I need help.

I can't lose my husband. He means more to me than my own life. And he hasn't said a word about my drinking again. But I want to be better. And I want to be happy again.!

Kafkaesque

Please? Help?

CaseyW

Glad you made it back in, Kafkaesque.

Right this moment, you can't do anything about your actions today but just coming back in here is a good first step. Let the rest of it go for tonight, try to quit reliving your actions today in your head now.

If you're still drinking right now, stop and pour the rest of it out. Drinking now or not, get yourself hydrated with a bunch of water and try and get some sleep soon. Wake up tomorrow morning and figure out what the next step is--becoming active in here is a good first step, taking those anti-depressants responsibly would be another good step, what else do you think you should do to make this time different? What have you done before that has helped? What have you not tried yet that you want to this time?

Wishing you the best, Kafkaesque. There is a better life out there waiting for you in recovery. We're here to help you get there. I look forward to seeing you regularly participating here.

tuitui

I just blew up my entire life, so I feel the crisis.

I've been trying to tell myself that this is how far I took it... I really, really need help. I'm in a gigantic mess and it's because I am really ill. I'm trying to start being more honest with people, and I'm letting myself accept the help I'm offered.

Once you sober up, would you be able to have an honest conversation with your husband about needing help?

Dee74

I think the focus needs to be on you and not your Dad, or even your husband, right now.

Maybe in some time to come you can help your Dad and others too - but for now getting yourself sober and staying that way is more than enough to be dealing with

D

OnMyWay7

Glad you're back. As you know some people don't want help and for the most part we have to help ourselves. Get yourself healthy - you being drunk isn't going to stop him and it's only going to kill you.

Notimetoloose

Welcome back. Great to see you back...you can do this...
There is no answers in alcohol, at best, it just makes you forget the questions..

By just making recovery your priority you will be surprised how many things fall into place... have you considered joining the 24 hour thread here and also the july thread?.

With regards to your dad, who knows in time he might open up... Sometimes somethings are just to hard to talk about even when it is important to people we love. They need there own time.

Kafkaesque

You're all right. I know it sounds stupid but for some reason I feel like because I WANT help he should want help, too. But I'm realizing that's not how it works. Just because I want help doesn't mean he will ever want help. But I think that means I need to distance myself from him. I told him that it bothers me when I see his eyes glazed over when I was trying to get sober but he just kept saying how his life was different.

I know I need to distance myself from my best friend who only ever talks about alcohol. My best months of sobriety were when I avoided her at all costs. But should I be avoiding my family then too?

I'm more fortunate than most because my husband never, ever drinks. His family is full of addicts so he's always avoided alcohol. But my mom is almost always drinking in an effort to 'deal' with how annoying my dad is. Should I be avoiding them now too?

I don't even know what to do next. My life has never been this messy before....

Dee74

Make yourself a recovery plan. It all starts from there

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

fix yourself first

D

Debbie329

We are responsible for our own self care.....that includes making sure our environments are peaceful enough to live soberly. I agree w Dee......fix yourself.....I'm taking that advice too.

Debbie329

It's not your job to watch people self destruct.

Kafkaesque

Thank you Dee and Debbie. I do need to make a sober plan. I had one... But obviously not a good enough one. I want to help my dad. I basically begged him to go through this with me. But he wanted nothing to do with the idea. And that's when I realized I need to move past that idea and onto the idea of me.

I know what the first steps are... But I still feel so lost? I feel so lonely even though I know I'm not alone.

Kafkaesque

You guys I feel like this is a cop out but no matter how hard I try to stay sober and follow my sober plan, I still end up drinking 3-6 months later hating myself more for it. What am I doing wrong?? Honest feedback is greatly appreciated. Normally I love the pat on the back but I know I need help. I need blunt honesty. No matter how much it hurts.

Thank you SR family.

Serenidad

Have you tried AA? I started going to AA in 2008 (very reluctantly) and stayed sober for 5.5 years. I had literally tried everything else and nothing else worked!

I stopped going to AA and relapsed in 2013.

I've been trying to get sober without AA for the last year. FAIL!

I'm back in AA and am staying sober and feel good!

Dee74

Getting sober is one thing and staying sober is something else, I think.

I did not maintain lasting recovery for many many years and many many attempts - and then I did

I hate sounding like a broken record...but it really does all come back to making a plan tailored to you and your needs - and then maintaining it.

If you think you need help - more help than SR even - there's any number of recovery groups like AA SMART or whatever to help...lots of doctors and counsellors too, and even inpatient or outpatient rehab

You'll get back what you put in Kafkaesque

D

Ruby2

Kafka, I'm glad you're back. Your sobriety doesn't and shouldn't hinge on what your father is doing. If our sobriety was contingent on that of of those around us, many of us would still be drinking.

I attend AA meetings and come on SR. AA mainly for the fellowship but it's not been enough lately and I have to tinker with my plan.

Most of all I've learned that while I may no longer obsess about alcohol every day, I cannot for one day or one hour forget that I'm an alcoholic. So even when I'm feeling great, I can't drink. And that is sometimes painful. It hurts. But it is what it is.

Drink water. Eat something good. Enjoy the beautiful day we're going to have here today. And just be kind to yourself.

doggonecarl

For one this:

"So what did I think? I was okay again. I could drink causally again. It worked somewhat better except for the fact that I spent most days thinking about drinking after work. I thought it was normal because I could actually stop drinking after a few.... Some days, anyway."

You haven't accepted your alcoholism and never drinking again. Start there. Second, looking over your posts, it seems you think by indentifying why you drink, the triggers, that you can stay sober. Perhaps by avoiding them, perhaps by thinking just the knowledge itself is enough. It isn't.

Third, boundaries. You need healthy ones.

Lastly, face to face support. You don't seem to be able to do this on your own. And there's no shame in that. Addiction is a tough nut. You need help cracking it.

gish

Kudos for coming back Kaf. Detox any which way you can. It's hell to find one's self a 3 yr. old in an adult body. I drank to near-death because my addiction contract has no clause for living once I agree to give myself to the first drink. All of this other drama is YOUR construct to justify slow suicide. We all say we don't want to wake up but when we get to that edge we all whimper. I did. Get to this side no matter how you "feel". It WILL be different this time but THAT requires booting out the monkey who has you and thinks this is a joke. You are complying. Stop it now. You are so much bigger than this but cannot know that with even a drop in you. Death does not become you.

scrappy22

Welcome back

Soberwolf

Welcome back Kaf heres a link to help you build or possibly add to an existing plan http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html