pigeonhead

Hello,

I'd like to introduce myself. I had my last drink on March 30. I'm 41, and it's taken me quite a while to realize that I have a bona fide drinking problem, mostly because the quantity I've consumed habitually may not be considered excessive by a lot of people's standards. So far, drinking hasn't wrecked my life... or so I'd thought. I've never gotten a DUI (there but for the grace of god...), hurt someone, destroyed something, lost a job, or even embarrassed myself terribly. I'm known as a girl who can hold her booze and who may get excitable and talkative, but not irrational or violent or ridiculous. Well, except one time when, in a fit of rage, I chucked a juice glass against a bookcase when in the midst of an argument with my boyfriend. This happened last week, and I'm still shaking thinking about it. I deliberately threw the glass away from (not toward) him, so at least I had the presence of mind to do that, but I was literally out of control. The debris field was large, and he could have been cut by the glass shards that flew everywhere. I was drunk, of course. I guess you could say that was the catalyst. It was the first time I'd ever done something like that. He was horrified. He now thinks I have the potential to be a violent drunk. It's taken me a week to realize he might be right. Obviously the nature of our interaction, which is passionate and often confrontational, was a contributing factor, but the act still came out of me.

For the past decade or so, I've been drinking 2-3 drinks most weeknights (beer and wine mostly) and usually a binge session (4+ drinks) on one weekend night or the other. I'd take periodic breaks from drinking--a few days here, even a week there--but booze has become an intrinsic part of my reward structure. I've been wanting to cut down for years but haven't been able to. I still held on to the fantasy that I could be a social drinker and have a couple (literally) every now and then, with a binge session every so often to remind me that I shouldn't binge.

I've done a cost-benefit analysis and determined that the costs are huge and the benefits fleeting. I think about all the time I've wasted drinking, not to mention the days and days I've lost to hangovers over the years. I have a four-year-old daughter and want to be a better, more present, and energetic mom to her. I know this can be achieved much more easily if I quit the booze. Hangover avoidance is a huge motivator. Even a mild one affects my functioning, energy levels, and mental clarity. I've just spent too much time feeling like crap because I couldn't say no to the last beer, glass of wine, or (god forbid) whiskey.

It's going to be a hard slog. I absolutely love drinking. It's one of my favorite things to do. I like the taste, the nearly instant wonderful feeling (which is short lived, I know, but still glorious in the moment), and the way it makes anxious social situations easier to handle. It's only been a few days, the weekend is coming, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm fidgety and can't stop eating sweets. I think about drinking constantly.

I have been close to some alcoholics in my life, including my late dad, as well as a former boyfriend who died of acute liver failure a day before his 45th birthday. He used to drink screwdrivers to start the day. I tended to think of alcoholics in those terms, but I'm learning that's just one version.

I've come across this site a few times, usually when in the teeth of a bad hangover and looking for inspiration. I was encouraged to join the site by people's thoughtful posts, the positive, encouraging tone overall, and reading posts from people whose former habits sound an awful lot like mine.

I tend to get a little long-winded and so should stop here. I feel better just for having written that! Thanks for reading. :-)

doggonecarl

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

You don't want to wait until you hate drinking to quit. That's often too late.

If you had asked me before I quit if I liked drinking, I'd have said yes. Loved drinking, hated the consequences. Then it became apparent I didn't just drink because I loved it, I needed it.

Quitting made that even more apparent.

Stay close to SR this weekend and let us help you through your struggles.

MidnightBlue

Welcome, Pigeonhead!

Glad you've decided to post and go sober.

Only, why tiptoe? March on with steady loud steps scaring booze away!

I used to like taste of wine, never could imagine my life and holidays without it. One day at a time - and I don't miss it a bit.

Stick to us.

Best wishes to you.

pigeonhead

Thank you for the replies! I suppose the tiptoeing indicates the shaky ground my confidence is on at this stage. On the other hand, four days is nothing to shake a stick at!

Anna

Four days sober is great!

I'm glad you decided to post and to stop drinking. We do understand how scary this is, but we are here to help.

Soberwolf

Welcome Piegeonhead

Dee74

I wasn't sure when I got here either Pigeonhead...but I read my own story so many times in other peoples posts I knew I belonged here.

Welcome Aboard

D

Chuck39

^^^^^^^ Exactly! Glad you're here pigeon... these threads have been a crucial part of my early days. Stay close and post often!

strangeangel

You sound just like me! I'm glad you shared your story and know that you are not alone. I'm at day 13, and it's been hard! I've eaten lots of sweets too.. but have reminded myself that it is way better than drinking and they won't give me a nasty hangover. Be kinder to yourself, you just made a HUGE change! I want to drink all the time too.. But now, I'm home on a Friday night, sober as a judge while my fiance's out. UGH! But I will thank myself tomorrow for it. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Make a super fun plan for you and your daughter tomorrow, or the following day. That's helped me get through the nights

Latte

Welcome! I'm a 41 year old Mom of two (ages 12 and 16). Neither will talk to me.

I got clean, and I lost my family. I gave them away really. I'm clean and sober today-I have a job and a nice boyfriend.

It can all disappear if I choose to drink/use.

I hope you enjoy your time here. Yes, I said enjoy. The people here are wonderful and I'm here because I like to be-not because I have to be.

fini

welcome, tiptoeing pigeon.

EvaSedai

That was difficult to read because of how close your situation is to mine. Throw in a lot more of those drinks tossed at the wall, and it would be even closer.

No, thank you! I'm on day four, too. Struggling - gritting my teeth, actually. The confidence I've gained just from joining this forum and reading threads like yours, though, is overwhelming. We can do this!

pigeonhead

I really appreciate the messages, everyone! The sun is down, and man, I want a beer! Tonight's motivation to avoid the tipple: I think tomorrow morning's lunar eclipse will be visible in Phoenix around 5 a.m. Dragging myself out of bed to have a look at it will be a whole lot easier if I haven't had an assload of beer a few hours earlier! Plus it's my dad's birthday tomorrow...I know he'd be proud of me (he started going to AA meetings at age 50 after a very steep and undeniable alcoholic's decline).

pigeonhead

I made it through the weekend! I even decided to forgo a mimosa at my mother's Easter brunch. Normally I would have had several. I had an intense craving for beer earlier this evening and nearly burst into tears. Man, this isn't going to be easy...

SoberSparrow

Oh god, I feel so much better after reading your post that is exactly like me. My lightbulb moment wasn't when I got drunk with my girlfriend at a quiet lunch while kids the kids were at school and then picked them up and drive them home or when i passed out while drinking alone while my kids ran around in the background. It wasn't even the other week when I smuggled a 6 pack into the cinemas and drank the lot watch a movie with my sober friend, but it was when I drank beers with some much larger older men (my husband and his friend) and I rounded them up twice. My husbands friend couldn't believe it. He was smashed, slurring his words and I was hardly tipsy and drank more than him. They were both so proud of me. I drank with pride when really I should be ashamed of myself. What self respecting mother of three drinks like a bogan?

I love it too mate. It's my best friend, I love the sound of a twist top, I love the smell, I love the feeling. Today is only day one and I have no idea how I'll go but I know I'm going down a dangerous road. Flirting with disaster and I will stop.

Stay in touch, we'll do it together x

FreeOwl

You don't have 'the potential to be a violent drunk'...

You have 'a demonstrated history of being a violent drunk'

Things you also have by your own statements;

A desire to stop or moderate your drinking that has failed

Concern that your drinking is negatively affecting your life

Evidence that your drinking is negatively impacting your relationship

An unhealthy obsession with drinking

A tendency to minimize your drinking


.... These are all symptoms that I am familiar with.


You're making a good choice coming here and seeking sobriety. It will get worse if you continue drinking.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

pigeonhead

Ugh. Thank you.

FreeOwl

sorry... just had to call ya on it.



Many of us have been there.... I did it because I care.

We who struggle with alcohol are notoriously good at glossing over the obvious realities sometimes.

You can do this!!

#soberliferocks

GracieLou

Sobriety is sipped, not gulped. Tip toeing is a good way to start, don't drink and take it in slowly. Sometimes we have to take it hour by hour.

I threw a glass one time too and I also was not aiming. It hit him square in the forehead right between the eyes and caused a pretty severe gash. I did not intend on hitting him but that is what happened. It left a scar you can see to this day.

I didn't stop drinking. I rationalized and it and justified my actions since it was an accident. I didn't see that any of it was caused by my drinking, I blamed it on his drinking. I was angry that he was out at the bar all evening, never mind that I was home drinking all evening.

You have gotten to the point that you see and once you see, you can't unsee.

Hang in there, take it easy, one day at a time. Everything is going to be okay