pigeonhead

Hello,

I'd like to introduce myself. I had my last drink on March 30. I'm 41, and it's taken me quite a while to realize that I have a bona fide drinking problem, mostly because the quantity I've consumed habitually may not be considered excessive by a lot of people's standards. So far, drinking hasn't wrecked my life... or so I'd thought. I've never gotten a DUI (there but for the grace of god...), hurt someone, destroyed something, lost a job, or even embarrassed myself terribly. I'm known as a girl who can hold her booze and who may get excitable and talkative, but not irrational or violent or ridiculous. Well, except one time when, in a fit of rage, I chucked a juice glass against a bookcase when in the midst of an argument with my boyfriend. This happened last week, and I'm still shaking thinking about it. I deliberately threw the glass away from (not toward) him, so at least I had the presence of mind to do that, but I was literally out of control. The debris field was large, and he could have been cut by the glass shards that flew everywhere. I was drunk, of course. I guess you could say that was the catalyst. It was the first time I'd ever done something like that. He was horrified. He now thinks I have the potential to be a violent drunk. It's taken me a week to realize he might be right. Obviously the nature of our interaction, which is passionate and often confrontational, was a contributing factor, but the act still came out of me.

For the past decade or so, I've been drinking 2-3 drinks most weeknights (beer and wine mostly) and usually a binge session (4+ drinks) on one weekend night or the other. I'd take periodic breaks from drinking--a few days here, even a week there--but booze has become an intrinsic part of my reward structure. I've been wanting to cut down for years but haven't been able to. I still held on to the fantasy that I could be a social drinker and have a couple (literally) every now and then, with a binge session every so often to remind me that I shouldn't binge.

I've done a cost-benefit analysis and determined that the costs are huge and the benefits fleeting. I think about all the time I've wasted drinking, not to mention the days and days I've lost to hangovers over the years. I have a four-year-old daughter and want to be a better, more present, and energetic mom to her. I know this can be achieved much more easily if I quit the booze. Hangover avoidance is a huge motivator. Even a mild one affects my functioning, energy levels, and mental clarity. I've just spent too much time feeling like crap because I couldn't say no to the last beer, glass of wine, or (god forbid) whiskey.

It's going to be a hard slog. I absolutely love drinking. It's one of my favorite things to do. I like the taste, the nearly instant wonderful feeling (which is short lived, I know, but still glorious in the moment), and the way it makes anxious social situations easier to handle. It's only been a few days, the weekend is coming, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm fidgety and can't stop eating sweets. I think about drinking constantly.

I have been close to some alcoholics in my life, including my late dad, as well as a former boyfriend who died of acute liver failure a day before his 45th birthday. He used to drink screwdrivers to start the day. I tended to think of alcoholics in those terms, but I'm learning that's just one version.

I've come across this site a few times, usually when in the teeth of a bad hangover and looking for inspiration. I was encouraged to join the site by people's thoughtful posts, the positive, encouraging tone overall, and reading posts from people whose former habits sound an awful lot like mine.

I tend to get a little long-winded and so should stop here. I feel better just for having written that! Thanks for reading. :-)