lucybb

I watched the addiction cartoon posted by Hammer, and I was alarmed at how many of the traits of addicts are shown by my 7 year old DS. Easily frustrated, feels misunderstood, very sensitive, etc.

In our house, the drinking is a non-topic - it is not mentioned. I have confronted my AH about the drinking only a few times over the last 2 years, and the last time, in August, when I laid out for him the damage done over the last 6 years and said we'll have to talk to DS about it at some point, he said 'just don't say anything to DS about it, that would kill me'. So, his feelings are more important (as usual - selfish, selfish, selfish) than our DS's future safety and current emotional well being.

I have seen a few posts here about folks bringing it out into the open with their kids, so it is not the elephant in the room and they understand what is happening, but it seems it is mainly with older kids. I am concerned that if he has the prediliction to be an addict one day, the sooner he knows about his family history and how important it is that he avoids drugs, booze, cigarettes, etc, the better. Plus, I'm tired of making excuses for AH when he says something crappy to DS - 'daddy's in a bad mood...etc.' AH is finally being a parent to DS lately (aside from the driving drunk a few weeks ago that is) - I'm worried that DS will think that daddy being nice to him now must be something he did, and when daddy is not being nice to him, maybe it's because of something he did.

How do you decide when to bring this up, even against the A's wishes? Is it way too early to worry about this?

biminiblue

Maybe the child is reacting to the toxic environment.

When I was seven my parents divorced. No one talked to me about it. I had to deal with all the emotions all by myself. Years later I realized that alcohol played a big role. Both my parents used alcohol all their lives. I also became an alcoholic. Please find a way to reach your son.

He may have a genetic predisposition, and he isn't going to understand that part at his age. He will understand that things aren't right with dad, and you are trying to find a better way to deal with dad.

Can you get some outside help for you and your son?

LexieCat

I'd suggest maybe talking to a counselor at his school to find out what they suggest. I'm sure they deal with this issue all the time. The counselor can probably work out a "game plan" with you where your son can talk to the counselor (maybe expressing some feelings he isn't comfortable sharing with you), and ways that you can talk to your son so the messages are consistent and supportive.

Your husband may be embarrassed and angry, but it won't "kill" him. He's the one whose drinking has created this issue in the first place. Maybe it will be a wake-up call for him, maybe it won't. Either way, you owe it to your son to help him deal with his feelings. Your husband will have to deal with his own.

Katchie

I know mine are older and I have been frank with them because of it. But, it is a mistake not to be age appropriately open with your child. No, your child doesn't need to ever think they did something wrong, they need to know that dads behavior has nothing to do with them. And, since the child is young, they need to be reminded of that fact often. Your husband is only fooling himself that he thinks his child isn't wise enough to know what's going on. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
On another note, until your husband is sober at least for a year, don't allow your young one to ride in a car with him. I have had this very same issue in the past with my children. It's not easy and will be an inconvenience to say the least, but drunk driving scares the heck out of the kids and puts their lives in danger. I didn't tell my husband at first that he wasn't allowed to drive our boys anymore, instead I started it by telling my kids not to ride with him and they were relieved. I eventually told my AH, he didn't like it of course, but that's tough. I didn't want a dead kid that I would never stop feeling guilty for allowing to ride with him knowing the possibility that he could be driving my kids drunk. Its just not worth the risk.
You have to put your child first, not your husbands feelings in this respect. Your childs mental, emotional, and physical safety come first.
Big hugs...it's hard, so hard. That is what helped me become stronger was to put my sons first and not the selfish, misguided, drunken thoughts and wishes of my husband.

Hammer

A+

School counselor recommended Alateen for our daughter when Mom came home nutty from rehab. Daughter was 10, then. She thought it was great. [12 now]

Middle son went to Alateen the next year, when he was 9 and was having a hard time dealing with all of Mom's lies. (a new replacement addiction). [He is 10, now]

Youngest asked me about Mom going to Rehab and what would happen if she relapsed. I told him that she had a lot of help available -- AA, Sponsor, Therapy . . . he said, "No, what will happen to me?" (asking for himself -- no codie in that kid ). I told him that I have his back. He smiled and said, "Good." [He is 7, now]

Mom is/was fairly berserk about the kids going to Alateen. But that is all/only All About her own selfishness and shame.

Alateen is a GREAT program. It is sponsored by Alanon. Runs 11 to 19 y.o. most areas, with some 9 to 11 y.o. The two groups nearest us run the whole thing together as 9 to 19 y.o. The kids run their program themselves (same as Alanon runs Alanon, and AA runs AA).

The Alanon Sponsors who help the kids are background checked and trained by Alateen and then do an understudy for 6 months. Have to have 2 years good Alanon time, and completed the Steps. I have done my training for being a Alateen Sponsor, and waiting to line up an understudy slot.

Meanwhile, as your son is only 7? I would suggest that YOU ask your local Alanon for their best advice for your son, and try the Alanon program for yourself, and as you learn better, you can do better with and for your son.

Liberator4EVA

My mom was a drinker and may have had BPD tendencies to boot. It was the elephant in the room type situation, except for frequent instances of things getting impossible to ignore and her husband would blow up at her, yelling and screaming in a very threatening way and i'd have to worry in case things got physical. I actually helped cover up for her at times, to try and avoid these kind of incidents. My father divorced her when i was 11 or 12. He was a more restrained type, little overt rowing took place in my presence, he'd just turn very stone faced and tight-lipped with everyone when it was bothering him, which was often !

I'd say i've got avoidant personailty disorder tendencies and i can overreact severely to criticism, i'm also rather wary of people and displays of strong emotion scare me. It could be genetic, or it could be from spending early years with an unpredictable stay-at-home mum - never really knew what to expect when i stepped inside the house.

schnappi99

Since my RAW and I have acted out in our respective ways in front of DD8, we have addressed it on a couple occasions together and apart. Its not come up often and we tend to discuss when our daughter brings it up and let her indicate when she's ready to move on to something else. She's asked about my meetings and RAW's evenings with her women-for-sobriety friend. Generally we try to couch it in terms of mommy & daddy working on getting along better and acting better. Personally I've mentioned that my angry fights with RAW were wrong and I'm learning how to be a better dad. RAW has mentioned that her meetings help her to not drink wine (DD8 really didn't like seeing her having too much.. shrunk away etc).

Liberator4EVA

Goodness! Even as an adult this is often impossible - know if you've really done something wrong, or if the person's just in a crappy mood and looking to blow up at someone. How's a 6 year old supposed to manage , when dealing with a parent, who you are normally supposed to obey?

I suppose they can learn to detect the signs of drunkeness and learn to make themselves scarce at such points... that's about it?

Chillly

I think that regardless of your communication with the kid, the longer he is in an alcoholic environment, the more likely he is to follow suit.

LexieCat

Not really. They can learn that the other parent is someone they can trust to go to with their feelings and talk about them.

We post here as a reality-check at times ("Am I crazy or is this normal?"). Kids need that, too. And they usually can't go to peers for that reassurance ("No, it isn't you, what you're seeing is real but it doesn't have anything to do with you."), but they can go to the stable parent, or to their counselor, for those kinds of reassurances.

Santa

This is very tough. For years I too allowed my now-exAH's drinking to be swept under the carpet. I cringed and tried to run interference when he was short to the kids while drunk. I made excuses for him. I was running myself ragged trying to make sure everybody was okay.

The kids know a lot more than we think. One night at about age 8, our daughter asked me as I tucked her into bed: "what's wrong with daddy?" My answer was, it's not your fault, which was true but not the whole truth. Soon after she asked me, " is daddy is an alcoholic?" I could not bring myself to say yes - total fear and failure on my part.

One of the worst things about the disease is the secrecy. The children know there is something wrong at home but if they do not have an adult to explain and validate their feelings, if they feel there is a big secret, they are stressed and unhappy. Kids need predictability from the adults in their lives.

A few years after I minimized her father's disease, our beautiful little girl started drinking, heavily, in high school. Then and only then did I pull the carpet ALL the way back on what was happening at home. No more secrets and half truths. I sure wish I had faced up to it open and honestly much earlier. Whatever you do tell your kids, be 100% honest.

LittleBirds3

I told my kids (7, 4, and 3 - so very young) that daddy is drinking too much alcohol and making bad choices. My 7 year old gets it... there is a workbook called "my daddy is sick, my daddy is an alcoholic" or something like that that has helped the 7-year-old get through it. I think it is possible, and even beneficial, to talk to your kids in an age-appropriate manner. Daddy is not showing up, is angry, isn't home, etc... if you don't explain to them why, the kids are going to think it is because of them (or because of you). I talked to the school counselor (and my oldest 2 are in therapy) and came up with some good, age appropriate language to use. I found that, after I talked to them about it, they actually handled the situation much better. I really think they just needed an explanation to help them process the situation. Without that explanation, they just kept thinking it was their fault - and they were just really hurt and confused.

hopeful4

I talk about it very openly w/my 9 and 15 yo girls now that we are divorced, and when we were married. The thing is, you have to advocate for them and make them #1. Addicts hate that.

I put both of my girls into counseling with a counselor who specializes in helping families who deal with addiction. She also happens to have a daughter the same age as mine, so that certainly helps too.

I think it's very very important not to brush this under the rug. Talk to your kids about it. Talk to their counselor at school and their teacher. Let them ask questions as they will have many. If you don't know the answers, be honest. Above all else, be very honest.

What I found is that there was no hiding it, and in trying to do so I was making my children very angry b/c they knew there were problems in the home and needed to talk about those, and to know they are not at fault, ever. I also agree, you will have to make sure that he never drives your child under the influence. Be on your toes all the time. I never ever thought my X would do that. Surprise, he did, a few times. I put a stop to that right away.

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.

FireSprite

DD was 7-ish when we started talking For Real. It was easier for me in the sense that RAH had been a secret drinker & sought recovery on his own. When I finally caught up with events, we had already lived through the hellish part of his active alcoholism & since she had seen all of that first hand I had no qualms about being just as real about his addiction.

As an ACoA I despise secret keeping like that - it is terribly confusing & painful to be witness to all the problems & never get the resolution of the reasons & the Whys behind it all.

I did discuss with her how Daddy was "sick" because she relates to the idea of sickness, but I also made sure she (eventually) understood that he can make better decisions that impact his disease... that he has a lot of control over how he chooses to treat it.

She knows he goes to AA meetings, that they are anonymous & that he will likely continue to go for the rest of his life. I needed her to understand that THAT action is NOT selfish in the same way that his active drinking was. She also knows I rely on SR for the same reasons & that there is a difference between loving someone & enabling them. We talk a lot about the limits of our control over others & how boundaries aren't punishment & that we don't need to apologize for putting them in place to protect ourselves. (The hula hoop theory was easy for her to grasp)

She recently had an issue with a bully at school - nothing major but enough to raise her hackles. She handled it beautifully, on her own with the help of the school counselor & only involved me after she had addressed it. After discussing it all with a friend, my friend remarked that DD talks & walks like someone growing up in a 12-step household. She's right, I'm proud of DD for standing up for herself with adding to the drama of the situation & for being able to very clearly define & explain her boundaries.

lillamy

This.

Sure your husband will be embarrassed. But it's like I tell my kids -- if you don't want me (or our pastor, or your grandmother, or your favorite teacher) to find out you've been behaving like a jerk -- you always have the choice of not behaving like a jerk...