DD was 7-ish when we started talking For Real. It was easier for me in the sense that RAH had been a secret drinker & sought recovery on his own. When I finally caught up with events, we had already lived through the hellish part of his active alcoholism & since she had seen all of that first hand I had no qualms about being just as real about his addiction.
As an ACoA I despise secret keeping like that - it is terribly confusing & painful to be witness to all the problems & never get the resolution of the reasons & the Whys behind it all.
I did discuss with her how Daddy was "sick" because she relates to the idea of sickness, but I also made sure she (eventually) understood that he can make better decisions that impact his disease... that he has a lot of control over how he chooses to treat it.
She knows he goes to AA meetings, that they are anonymous & that he will likely continue to go for the rest of his life. I needed her to understand that THAT action is NOT selfish in the same way that his active drinking was. She also knows I rely on SR for the same reasons & that there is a difference between loving someone & enabling them. We talk a lot about the limits of our control over others & how boundaries aren't punishment & that we don't need to apologize for putting them in place to protect ourselves. (The hula hoop theory was easy for her to grasp)
She recently had an issue with a bully at school - nothing major but enough to raise her hackles. She handled it beautifully, on her own with the help of the school counselor & only involved me after she had addressed it. After discussing it all with a friend, my friend remarked that DD talks & walks like someone growing up in a 12-step household. She's right, I'm proud of DD for standing up for herself with adding to the drama of the situation & for being able to very clearly define & explain her boundaries.