tiredmum

When I told my XAP I was going to be moving away with the kids, he was understandably upset but he took it surprisingly well. he even said it would be a better life for the kids.
He came around on Sunday and still said it was better and he understood why I was doing it. He offered to pick DD7up and take her to school on tues and to have DS3 in the morning.

He doesn't show.

I find out he went on a binge after we spoke on sunday night, and fell down a flight of many stairs while carrying a bike- hes broken his phone, can barely walk and feels dizzy (even 2 days later) but he wont go to the hospital.

And now I have his sister giving me grief about leaving "poor" XAP and about how much he loves me and kids and its not fair of me.

Ive sent her a message explaining how I have no family support over here and his family don't see or help with the kids- her included, but now I think I shouldn't have especially as I can see she had read it but not replied.

But im obsessing about what she thinks and hows shes angry with me but then if she was that bothered she would be helping me day to day etc.

Im not sure any of this makes any sense but I just needed to vent.

SparkleKitty

Makes perfect sense.

What other people think of you is none of your business. Everyone has their version of reality. We cannot spend time trying to make others invest in and validate ours, or we risk neglecting ourselves and our responsibilities.

He dealt with the news by drinking and screwing himself over 10 ways from Sunday. It was his choice to deal with it that way. His sister sounds co-dependent and controlling...and frankly like she doesn't want to be responsible for him after you've gone.

This is not worth investing a whit more energy or time in.

Refiner

Oh, good grief!!! You don't owe her ANY explanation! Just tell her she needs to educate herself on alcoholism and once she's educated, you'd be glad to talk to her about her brother!!

tiredmum

Yes her mum (not his) died of alcoholism so yes it would make perfect sense she is co-dependant. (I know I must be also but have ordered and waiting for my copy of co-dependment no more).

what other people think of you is none of your business

Thats a new expression on me and one to think about. But how do i handle her opinion of me when shes telling me?

tiredmum

Refiner- i agree that i dont owe her an explanation- she called me about a house where i am and i explained it doesnt matter coz im defo going and she hung up. I was then feeking guilty and sent her the message and immediatly felt i shouldnt have- is this another sign of me being co-dependant??

CodeJob

Well if his sister is no help, stop explaining yourself (phone, text, Facebook, in person, letters, etc.). No point in trying to fight her opinion of your decisions and actions regarding dealing with your AH and kids. You could be Mother Teresa and still lose out on her good graces for being tough on her poor brother. Dwelling on what she thinks of you is a wasted effort as you have NO control over it.

SparkleKitty

She's allowed to have whatever opinion of whatever and whoever she wants. That does not make it true, or applicable, or anything. You do not have to give it more weight than your own perspective when making your decisions, or any, for that matter. You do not need her to agree with your decisions to make them the Right Decision for You.

When she's telling you she thinks you're doing something wrong, you can tell her you disagree. You can tell her you hope for her support but that it doesn't change your decision. You can tell her your husband has made his own bed, and you are done trying to keep him from lying in it. Or you can say nothing. What you don't have to do is convince her that she is wrong. Because you know you are right.

hopeful4

Sounds like no contact with her would be best. Stay the course, this is what happens. Blood is always thicker than water, and families are notoriously codependent with each other a lot of times.

I always thought my X's sister loved me and wanted best for me and my kids. Eh....when we separated she made it very clear who she supports the most, her brother, for the good or the bad. So I stopped talking to her. It made me sad, but with time it gets easier.

Good luck to you!

AnvilheadII

since when did his sister get put in charge of YOUR life? she's entitled to her opinion, you are not obligated to listen to it. if she feels that bad about her poor brother then SHE can take care of him.

i agree, no contact. save your sanity!

tiredmum

Thanks guys, this forum has been and is so much support for me. I don't have many people to talk to about the problems I have been having through my relationship with an alcoholic, and it really helps to have every ones opinion- especially when I know deep down that's what is best- its like having confirmations of my thoughts.
Hope you are all well

Missus

I have always loved this quote, and its close relative "what other people think of you says more about them than it does about you"

sosadandhurt

If his sister is so darn concerned about him then why has she not done anything to help the situation. Seems like she pretty much knows without YOU there, she is going to have to step up. Funny how she doesn't seem to think he is a problem to you, but she sure as hell doesn't want to deal with him. Funny how we are the bad guy when we get tired of it all. Stay strong for you and your kids. Just saying all this cause I am the bad person too right now. I realize however that they don't want to deal with him and it is so much easier when I am the one taking care of him day to day. He lives with his sister now and I see him on weekends, but she has to deal with it during the week. Funny how he behaves himself when I am there on the weekends at her house. She has already tried to get me to ask him to come back and I have said no, why?, he is no problem. We will never live together again and I am just hanging in there for now for the granddaughter because this is not her fault, but the time is coming when I will finally let go. So will you when the time is right.

hopeful4

Yup, I agree with sosadandhurt above, I think my XAH's family wanted me to stay so badly b/c they did not want to have to deal with him. Whoops.....that did not work out very well for them. Not my circus, not my monkey!!!!

mischa1

I had so many problems with my MiL for a little while but even moreso his sister. "Poor poor alcholic" they have now lost everything as well bailing him out the last time I left. Then his sister lost her job. I feel bad for her. I told her not to give him any money but she gave him her last little bit. Now she can't pay her bills. She has since been very supportive of me now that she finally hit rock bottom with him too. If they get drug down enough themselves they will see the light a little and will help you more. But. That may never happen. I think in laws usually they stay on the side of their family.

Edit add: we don't have any kids together. So it's a little different. I never understood why in laws dont help.

lillamy

You're right -- that's classic codependency.

I've found that quite often, when the spouse of an addict says "enough already" and leaves the addict to their own devices, the family of the addict panics. Because, you know, all these years, you've been on the front lines dealing with the fallout of his addiction. I can bet you that his sister isn't so much worried about him as she is worried that she is now going to be "forced" to step in and take the hits that you've been taking up to now.

Whether she does or not is up to her. Remember that. She's got the same right you have to say "he is an adult and he can make his own choices and I don't have to catch him when he falls as a result of those choices."

You're not his mother, and you're not hers either. You do have those precious kiddos, though, to take care of -- and that and yourself is all that you are responsible for. You don't have to explain, you don't need anyone else to approve, you just do what you know is right.

ladyscribbler

My ex's family (particularly his mother) do not see him as an adult capable of caring for himself. They were very upset when I left. They didn't care how his drinking and abuse affected me or the kids, they were worried about a grown man being left on his own.
That attitude becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, so that families are constantly rescuing the alcoholic from his consequences and self- created problems, sometimes without being asked.
My ex finally wore out his welcome with his family. They stopped giving him "grocery money" and told him they would just buy him food instead. He got enraged about this and punched his mom and threatened to kill his dad. Then he went out and immediately found a new enabler.
Frustrating as this might be, it really has nothing to do with you. The sister can make her own choice about whether or not to become his new enabler and your ex will make his decision about continuing to drink. The sister's anger is not a reflection of you, nor does it obligate you to appease her in any way.
Just because someone is angry with me does not mean that I owe them an amend, especially if they are angry about a boundary I set to protect myself or my children.

tiredmum

My confidence in my decision is waning. I keep thinking everyones going to blame me for him as he will no doubt get worse now. Ive had his other family members saying they cant believe hes giving up on his kids so easliy and it will hit him in a negitive way once im gone.

I have often thought he has 2 voices in his head and they argue against each other as whether or not to drink.

I now feel i have 2 voices in my head- i KNOW this is the right decision for me and the kids BUT i know how much this will effect him and i dont want to be the cause of his hurt.

Im extra emotional today as im telling his son 14 (my stepson) that we are leaving.

hopeful4

tiredmum.....you have a lot on your plate. Please remember, those voice in his head, they belong to one person, and that person is him. This is what he has become.

I am so sorry. Stay strong. You cannot protect him, he is a grown man who needs to realize the consequences of his actions. HE IS NOT YOUR CHILD, he is a MAN.

As far as being blamed, you will be. Guarantee that. Form a thick skin and remember, other people don't necessarily have your best interests first.

XXX

SparkleKitty

The people who will blame you for his choices are not people whose opinions you need to concern yourself with. Your kids need a mom who is supported, safe, and able to focus on them. If you have to move to get that, then it's what you have to do.

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. In our family, the Alcoholic came first. The rest of us made do with what we could get. As long as we catered to the Alcoholic, the Alcoholic did not have to change. Everyone's energy went into maintaining the status quo and so nothing ever got better. In fact, because alcoholism is progressive and because all of our maneuvering and side-stepping and eggshell-walking did nothing but feed us the illusion that we had any power over the alcoholic, things got worse. I can't help but think what a difference it would have made in our lives if one person had been courageous enough and strong enough to put their well-being ahead of the desires and needs of the Alcoholic, no matter how unpopular or misunderstood that decision would have been.

Sending you strength and courage.

littlesister1

Tell her you are taking care of you and the children, XAP is grown up for FFS

Tell her if SHE thinks he needs help she is welcome to step up