ladyscribbler

I keep thinking everyone's going to blame me for him as he will no doubt get worse now. I've had his other family members saying they can't believe he's giving up on his kids so easily and it will hit him in a negative way once I'm gone.

As long as he is drinking he will get worse no matter what you do or where you go. That is how active alcoholism works. He's giving up on himself and no one can change that but him.

Sasha4

I think his sister needs to worry about what you think of her.
You should NOT spend any time worrying what she thinks of you.

The fact she has never offered to step up and help you out with your kids is appalling. There is no excuse for her shabby behaviour.

I have a crappy in law family that did nothing to help me.
I had to work full time when I had my child because their son was in so much debt.
They had no idea about his debt.
His sister never worked when her kids were young and had 2 car's (One was a porshe with 2 seats, so not enough room for her kids) and went to the gym every morning.

Go live near people who love you and support you.

If he sorts himself out and gets sober, there is nothing to stop your relationship changing with him in the future. But thats up to him. You can always tell his sister that if he gets worse thats up to him. But he can seek help and get better. Is all in his hands.

Get strong and get strict with the in law family.

I wish you the best xx

I wish you the best. xx

AnvilheadII

ya know, relationships/marriages are a lot like some of the survival shows - aka Dual Survival or Naked and Afraid.....you have two people, each with different skills, with extremely limited resources....plunked down in some godforsaken inhospitable land.

and f they do not work TOGETHER, if one has their own selfish agenda, they will not survive. one cannot possibly compensate or carry the other the entire time. if one gets injured or poisoned or drinks tainted water....the other can only look after both for so long. the other HAS to step up - or tap out. they HAVE to compromise, no one person gets to run the show...

if the scales over time do not balance, no one wins. neither partner is responsible for the other, they have no control over how the other responds and chooses to act. but they are at the mercy of their partners behavior.

heartcore

I may have misunderstood your most recent post, but it sounded like you also have to leave the 14 year old who is his son?

That makes it especially difficult. Is this part of it?

TerpGal

I have had SIL problems too. MIL problems. When we were driving home from dropping RAH at rehab she basically insinuated he was drinking because I didn't keep our house clean enough. She waited on him hand a foot when he was a kid. Even cleaned his room so he never learned to do this, so obvi it should be MY responsibility to do this. She said in one breath she wants to support both of us, in the next we are " oil and water". When I started thinking this was true and told her I was thinking of leaving of course she got upset and told SIL. SIL sent me the WORST most hateful and cruel text messages. I was hysterical on the phone to my mom and when she asked how she could help me, I said, " just take me out back and shoot me". I also got in touch w/ my pastor and he said, "Terp, you're a grown @ss woman, that is abusive and you don't have to take that."

Since then I have gone NC with her. Also NC with MIL although that took longer. It feels much better to not know what they have going on or what they think of me. I'm not stopping RAH having a relationship with them. Last week SIL told him how bad she felt about those texts but obvi couldn't get in touch w/ me by phone or FB because I blocked her. Then I just got mad b/c of she really felt bad enough, she knows where I live. She could have sent me a letter. I asked RAH not to tell me if MIL or SIL say anything having to do with me anymore.

With this whole long story, I would def reccomend going NC with his sister. It has been great for me. One less thing to worry about off my plate.

tiredmum

Sparklekitty- thank you for opening up and explaining it from the childs perspective. Your explanation encourages me to know im doing the right thing.

Littlesister- LOL!!! you sound like me!! (if I was giving advice to a friend- why don't I listen to myself? )

Hopeful4- Blood is always thicker than water, and families are notoriously codependent with each other a lot of times.
Yes its amazing how similar families are- im called her big sister and shes more close to me than she is to him- until I make a stand.

Heartcore- yes I am leaving his son behind, he lives with his mum. It is heartbreaking but I explained the reasons why to him and hes a very mature 14year old and took the news in a very mature way. He stayed at my house last night (he stays at least once a week), and we spent the evening looking at flights for him to come and visit as soon as I get a house. (hopefully after Christmas)

thanks for everyones input and sharing your experiences, you wouldn't believe how much its helping me.

dionysos803

Look at this situation very carefully. We did the same thing in our family for years. He allowed him to drive his children to school or pickbthem up a few times. He managed to get into an accident pulling into the school parjing lot going the wrong way down a 1 way street. Thank goodness no one was injured. Its hard to make the decision that a parent is not healthy enought to drive their children but look out for the safety of your kids . When he wrecks his car he will survive its the kids tgat are sover that will suffer the worst of it in such an accident.