heartstone

I've been reading for a few months, but this is my first post. I thought I knew about detaching years ago but here I am unsure about the current situation with my 23 year old son. Again.

He has been a self proclaimed addict since his teens, he says his doc is herion (needles) but its actually whatever he could get his hands on. 2 years ago he was arrested for burglary, given 7 years probation AND he had to complete a 2-year rehab/work program as a condition of probation. He made it 19 months in the program and was kicked out for many minor violations (not drug related). I got him a bus ticket (I know) and he came back to our hometown, clean and sober, and lived with his sister (my daughter) and her hubby for a few weeks. He seemed to really want to keep his sobriety at first. But once he found out his probation was being revoked - for not completing the 2-year program - he showed no ambition to get a job or better his circumstances. Then he was caught smoking synthetic pot in my daughter's house and was kicked out. I'm ashamed to admit that I found myself thinking, 'well at least he's not sticking needles in his arms' (ugh). He was regretful and respectful and said he couldn't see the point in trying when he was going to jail or prison anyway. He faces 7 years in prison once his probation is revoked.

Knowing he would be picked up by the authorities soon, my hubs (not son's father) and I let him stay here with us until they came for him. He's always shown great respect for me and hubs so a few days shouldn't be a problem. His behavior and attitide seemed really good. He was only here a few days when we got the call the law was coming out to get him. So we all gathered on my mom's porch and said our goodbyes. That was yesterday. I must mention that most of my family (my mom & dad, daughter, sister, brother, uncle) all share the same land and our 6 houses are within yelling distance. I love my life here and wouldn't have it any other way. My mom and I raised my 2 children together and she has dealt with my son's antics right along with me through the years. My son isn't allowed to stay with my mom & dad at all and my mom's to the point of giving up trying to help my son and I don't blame her. Seems we always end up back at square one with him.

Anyway, after he left I went back home and started gathering up his things from the room he had been sleeping in. On the bed, under the bedspread I found 2 cans of that spray duster stuff (I call it canned air). One empty, one half full. There had been an unopened 3-pack in that room for some time. Well it was opened and only one left in the package. I was furious and hurt. So stupid I am, thinking he wouldn't act out at MY house. What was he thinking after 19 months of sobreity? Not to mention I've now learned that inhaling that stuff can kill you within seconds.

That was yesterday and I still haven't told a soul about it. I don't know why either. I always tell my mom and my hubs everything. I think I feel like it's my fault for not thinking ahead and removing the cans from the room. Like it was wrongful entrapment or something. I honestly didn't think about it, it's been there on the computer desk for a while. And if I told my hubs he would flip and never allow my son back in this house, rightfully so. I find myself justifying because my son was distraught about going to prison, I left the cans in there, what did I expect? I thought I could detach from it, but here I go again. I see it. What the h*ll is wrong with me?

I haven't talked to son, he's in jail awaiting his hearing where they will revoke probation. He has called my mom once though, wants us to help him try and get bail set, ect. Not happening. IMO, they won't impose the prison sentence, they'll likely add a year or two to his probation, re-instate it and let him go. If that happens, and he can't stay here, he will be absolutely homeless. I can already hear myself thinking 'if he's on the streets he WILL end up with needles in his arms again.' He has no one that will give him a place to stay. I know I can't let him stay here, I don't want him here. But then what? I'm not looking forward to the crying phone calls, showing up at the door, yada yada. I just want me and my family to feel normal again.

I'm sorry, this post is way too long and I've lost track of the whole point of it. I guess I just needed to tell it. I need to tell my hubs and my mom what I found, and I will. But I still don't know exactly WHY I don't WANT to tell them and that bothers me. My husband has a right to know what happened in his own house. Anyway, I appreciate anyone who read my post. I know it's a mess, I can see how foolish I sound just going in circles. Ugh! Any and all advice is welcomed and obviously needed. Thank you all for being here, truly.

Robertstone

I enjoyed reading your post. I don't have any advice because I am not a parent, but I have been that son. Your son loves you and he cares what you think about him. His actions wont show it, but he does. Something just clicks inside of your head with drugs and for a moment nothing else matters. You find yourself not understanding why you are doing them and you wish you could stop, but you find yourself going into a room and seeing an air can and taking a huff without getting a chance to even think. And then you regret it.

I am sorry for all the pain I caused my mother. It took years of me living the drug life so finally get over it, but my mother always loved me.

Newimage

Good morning, heartstone. I have been right where you are several times now. Your post reminded me of the day a year and a half ago when I got a call from the police asking me where my AD was, and informing me that they had a warrant to arrest her (again). She was staying with me between court dates. I left work, picked her up some Chik fil A, let her know they were on their way, and walked her to the door when they showed up.

Next time she was here, I drove her to her court date, at which time she was sent back to jail because I would not let her come home while she was waiting for a bed from a DOC ordered drug rehab. You can imagine how I was beating myself up for sending my 23 year old daughter to jail. When I got to my car, I saw that she had left her purse there, and of course I looked in it and found a spoon and a syringe. When she called from jail, she said she hadn't been using, but was just thinking about it because of all the stress. Right.

Most recently, meaning yesterday, I got on a three way call with the drug rehab from which she is being released today and had to tell them and her that she could not come home. I have been through the crying phone calls, the pounding at the front door, the begging and pleading which turns to screaming of expletives and condemnation. She may show up at my door today. I am dreading it.

Her rehab may have found her a sober living home, or she may be homeless, I don't know, but it's in nobody's best interests for her to come here. I didn't tell anyone right away except this forum about the syringe in her purse, or that the deciding factor in her going to the rehab was that I walked in on her shooting up in my garage. She was on house arrest and probation after 8 months at the DOC ordered facility, but started using almost immediately.

I can think of several reasons why you may not want to tell them what you found. I didn't want to tell my younger daughter what I found because she had been opposed to her sister coming here to begin with. I had hopes that my AD had decided to stay clean; I wanted my family back together. I feel bad that you feel guilty about leaving the canned air in the house; I have been there, too, but like my own AD, he chose to abuse, knowing what the consequences would be. This is just more confirmation for you of that. Whenever you decide to tell your other family members about it, I would like to think you'll be doing both yourself and your son a favor. You will need their support to stay strong in enforcing your boundaries. Wishing you all the best.

starfish401

heartstone, first of all welcome, although I'm sorry you had to find us. I'm sure there will be more parents after me with lots of advice and strength for you.

Do you think the courts will ask him to try rehab again? And if they did, would your son be willing to do it? It sounds like he did well in his 19 months there.

Prison isn't fun, and sometimes the thought of spending time behind bars will force a moment of clarity onto the addict. Though they may see rehab as the easy way out, it sure sounds like something worked for your son. 19 months is a long time! Would you be willing to support him if he chooses to go to rehab again?

Just thinking out loud here.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......there are so many parents on here who understand exactly what your thinking and feeling.....we've all been there.

I have no advice on what you should or shouldn't do.....as that is such an individual matter. I can share my experience, strength, and hope.

I have also allowed my son to come into my home time and time again......in hopes that a completely drug-free/alcohol-free environment would give him the support he needs to stay clean and sober. And like you, I have found time and again that my son can use in that environment. It isn't the "safe place" we hope for them.

As difficult as it is for me to watch sometimes.......I know that allowing my son to live his life and have his experiences is the only way he'll gain the experience he needs to make a commitment to sobriety if/when he chooses to do so.

Since you've been dealing with thus for a while, can you share with us what you have been doing to cope? Meetings? Counseling? Reading? It sounds like you have a strong support system. I volunteer at the Salvation Army Adult Rehab....and I am always amazed at parents who have been coping with this for so very long and don't know that there are resources to help them. I don't want to make assumptions though so knowing a little bit about you will help.

Again....welcome to SR. This is a great place. There is some relief in knowing that we are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

needingabreak

Welcome heartstone. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the heartache and guilty feelings as well. MY RAS put us through quite a bit as well. I know the awful feeling of fear that you have, feeling like if you do not allow him to live there he will be on the street. Honestly, addicts are VERY resourceful. I believe deep down they want to be sober but it is so hard for them. You did nothing wrong. How would you know he would look at what we perceive as an innocent can on dust remover and use it as a drug? I wouldn't have entered my mind either.
I think Kindeyes has great questions on what you are doing for yourself. Coming here is a great first step because you will get a wealth of knowledge from the stickies up top and from many others who have been in your shoes. I can tell you, for me, I have learned to let go and let God. My biggest realization was I could not save him nor stop him from doing what he was determined to do whether in my home or not.
I do not know all the details but hope you will consider going to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting or therapist and get some help in figuring out what you best options are. Keep coming back and posting or reading. This is a wonderful place of caring supportive people.

blueeyedlady

So sorry for you and your family. I also have been there and am still going through it with my 24 year old daughter. It's so hard when you are the mom. We internalize everything and carry guilt over all of the things we can't control. When my daughter got arrested and we (our family) all started talking about it, we found out so many little things that she had done or had us involved in that never seemed like a big deal at the time, but all together told quite a story. We all promised to communicate everything from that moment on related to her. It is a disease that affects everyone.

I hope you can let go of any guilt you may be feeling. You cannot control everything, nor are you to blame. My daughter blames her addiction on me, knowing that she gets a lot of "mileage" on that; telling her father and his family, members of my family who I don't see often, just to turn people on "her side." But, I have let it go this year and I feel better. I think she just want to ruin the credibility of someone who knows her so well.

Please take care. Be kind to yourself. Nar-anon and other support groups are helpful. So is this site. But, above all, know that you have no control over your son, his choices are his own.

GardenMama

Welcome, heartstone, from another mother of an addict. I agree with the great posts above, and also want to say that in my recent "relapse" I have found that my brain locks onto something and kind of freezes what would be my healthy response--I feel stunned and silenced by guilt or fear or anxiety. You do need your family's support, and only you know how to tell them, should you decide to, but from my perspective, it's nothing to feel ashamed about. Even if you handed him the cans of air, he is still the one who chose to use them in a way they weren't intended, to his own detriment.

I no longer believe I have the power do anything to keep my daughter safe in this world. That is heartbreaking, for sure, but sometimes what helps me get perspective is to think: what would this situation look like if she wasn't an addict? What would I be doing? It is almost always the opposite of what the addict makes you feel that you should do. I hope this makes sense. I hope you find some peace soon. Your home aspires be a place of refuge and happiness. Make it so.

Stucco

As someone who struggles with weight, I know there are things I can not have in my house - chocolate chip cookies, cheese doodles. I can tell myself time and again that I should not eat them. But if they are there, I will eat them. What works for me is just not to have them in my house and to not let myself get too hungry.

I would guess that this is not the first time your son has huffed. He has obviously not yet developed strong coping strategies for dealing with stress. If he can learn to substitute healthy activities - exercise or a hobby - for the drugs his brain craves, he has a better chance at success. I would recommend music or art or a sport that requires lots of practice and focus that can take him out of his head. Many team sports can be practiced almost free. Theater groups are good social outlets and show some promise in getting people to understand another's viewpoint.

heartstone

Thank you all so much, as sad as it is, knowing we're not alone helps so much. I haven't been to a nar-anon meeting. There are reasons that I have chosen not to seek that path, but I may yet consider it if I keep regressing. I do read everything pertinent I can get my hands on though and soak it up like a sponge for hours on end. That has worked best for me so far and it feels right for me.

Yes, I would support him going to another rehab, but the judge won't likely offer that to him. The only reason he did the first time was because my family hounded, begged and insisted on it. They were just gonna give him probation and turn him loose. It wasn't an easy battle and we don't have the energy or resources to go through it again. Sadly, I think the only reason my son stayed sober for 19 months is because he was a resident at the facility for that whole time and had no choice. With only 5 months to go, he got kicked out, he never really followed the rules, and honestly it didn't really help him. Once he got out, he was getting high on synthetic pot within a week. His core personality, thought process, immaturity, had not changed. Sadly, I've learned that forcing him to be clean isn't enough alone to change anything for the long term. It doesn't stick because he hasn't changed within himself.

I can so relate to what GardenMama said about your brain getting locked and frozen by the fear and guilt. It's hard to fight against that mother instinct to help, fix and protect their baby. It seems to go against nature itself to step out of the way of the train I can see coming towards him. I know I must - and I will - but it's a struggle. I think a parent's love is the most binding love there is. But I am going to have to love him from a distance now. It's so sad, but that time is here.

I did tell my mom about the huffing, I'm gonna tell hubs in the morning. Mom was disappointed, not really surprised. I told her I was dreading telling hubs because doing so will bring true finality, because he will be DONE, and never try to help him again (he has done so much for my son these last few years). This will be the last straw for hubs I know that for sure. My mom said to tell him and let it be, we can do no more and nothing we've done has made the difference anyway. In a way, having my hubs not allow my son back here will make it easier for me to start letting go and stick to my boundaries. It's just all so sad.

Son has called from jail and wants us to call public defender office, probation office, etc. he wants out. He fails to grasp that there are going to be real consequences this time, that he's backed himself into this corner by not finishing the court ordered program. He's never paid a hard price for anything he's done, not really, so I guess he expects this time will be no different. He thinks he'll get out of jail and come back to lay up in one of our houses doing nothing for himself. But his chances have run out and he has to face the music for real this time, he just can't seem to believe it or see it.

Once the revocation hearing takes place, my mom and I agreed to clearly lay out our boundaries to him. More or less, tell him we'll always love him but he's on his own. He has to learn how to stand on his own as a grown man. He will not take this news well and I dread it. I don't think he'll believe that we mean it. If the court doesn't give jail time, he'll get out and be truly homeless for the first time. As a mother, allowing that to happen feels so wrong but I know it's what I have to do or else he will never get the chance to grow or change. Right?

I feel so hesitant about my thoughts and decisions. Do you think I'm doing it right? I'm not sure how I'd be coping if I couldn't come here. There aren't any words to express the gratitide I feel towards each and every one of you. I'm sad for the journey we are all on, but I am grateful to have you all walking beside me. Thank you.

blueeyedlady

I really admire you. You are doing the best for your son and yourself right now. I go through this with my daughter. Since she's been on probation, she has been arrested for a non-drug related issue and the charges were dropped. She's in a drug court program where she is on probation and has spent a week in jail a week ago for failing a drug test. It seems they don't pay the consequences in the system for so long, that they don't understand when they've run out of reprieves. And, we as moms, trying to be supportive, don't allow them to pay the price for tearing our hearts out, lying to us, stealing from us, etc. We are moms first and you are right. Our instinct is to take care of our children. But, they are not children anymore (even though in our hearts, they are still our babies). Again, they make their own choices as adults, as we do. I myself have not attended naranon meetings, although my husband has. I opted for individual counseling to help with the grief I was going through. It has helped me tremendously. You will find what works for you also. Just be strong and take care of yourself. Take care. I will keep you in my prayers.

Nina Kay

Hi heartstone. I too, wanted to say welcome. I'm sorry that you're going through all that you are. I am also another Mother of a grown addict/alcoholic son. I do understand how you feel as a Mother and how extremely devastating all of this is. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you too. Keep coming back here often.
**********{Understanding Hugs}}}}}}}}

needingabreak

I feel like I could have written what you did word for word:
"I can so relate to what GardenMama said about your brain getting locked and frozen by the fear and guilt. It's hard to fight against that mother instinct to help, fix and protect their baby. It seems to go against nature itself to step out of the way of the train I can see coming towards him. I know I must - and I will - but it's a struggle. I think a parent's love is the most binding love there is. But I am going to have to love him from a distance now. It's so sad, but that time is here."

I think many of us mom's feel this way. I am glad you are in therapy and it is helping you. We are all in different places and react in our own individual way. I am so glad you are here with us reaching out. Please let us know what happens with your son. I am praying for you and your family. God Bless you.

KariSue

Absolutely right. Right, right, right.

A counselor told us last night that something awful 'might' happen but if it does he told us more than once to remember that it is NOT our fault. Besides nothing we have done for years helped so there IS nothing WE can do. He said 'tough love' is the way to go. He did suggest CODA meetings for us. I had to look that up and find out what it was. So you might want to check that out in your area as well.

This is so hard but at least we have each other.

Kari

EJG123

Heartstone,
Your son has a home in your heart even if he can't live under the same roof with you again. All young people need to make a home of their own some day. If he has been in a program for months, then that is a step in the right direction even if he messed up. He is young enough to start agin and get it right eventually.

heartstone

I am grateful to you all for sharing and caring, it means so much. I wanted to post an update about what's been going on.

I did tell hubs about the canned air and he didn't get upset, he was calm. He wasn't surprised. He said he can't trust my son to stay here anymore and that's it, he's done trying to help that boy. I agreed, as hard as it was.

My son is still in jail, his hearing (probation revocation) is in about 10 days. The worst he could get is 7 years prison. Son thinks they are just going to add on more probation time and let him go without more jail time. That's possible, but it's up to the judge. He calls from jail once a day. My family has told him (too gently, I fear) that he can't stay with any of us when he gets out of jail. But we said we'd try to help him figure something out. I guess he took this to mean we would figure it out for him because he keeps asking me what he's supposed to do when he gets out, keeps saying he has nowhere to go. And he's right, there's no one.

We are going to have to be firmer, I know but this is so hard. We'll have to stop telling him we'll help him figure something out. There's nothing to figure out anyway, he's homeless when he gets out although he doesn't fully get that yet. My mom told him we could take him to a homeless shelter but he said they don't take felons? So far he has had a good attitude with us but the more he talks about having no place to go, the more he acts irritated. I really hope he doesn't start the blaming, guilt-tripping, begging like the last time he was in jail because that was miserable. ugh.

Thanks again to all of you, it means the world to have you all in my corner. I hope I can keep my boundaries up, I'm trying to be strong and your support has helped me a lot.

Txhelp

I understand that this is a difficult decision for you. I have had to make with with both of my children. I've have kicked my daughter out many times (she is only 19 years old) and my son several times (25 years old).

I told them that it wasn't my issue where they lived. We obviously can't live together as my few simple rules aren't followed. (no drugs and pick up after yourself). I could not save them.

I kept hearing....they can get drugs with no job. They can get to the drugs without a car. They can choose to sleep outside of the house when they feel like it. They can figure out where they can stay. More than likely it's couch surfing.

All you can do is give him a list of resources.....shelters; rehabs; food kitchens; bus info and give it to him. He can choose where he wants to live.

If he starts being disrespectful hang up or tell him that you won't tolerate it and won't accept any more calls. I have done this and boy do they straighten up. Phone calls are important in jail. My son was so angry at me, the 2nd to the last time he was in jail, he told me to "suck my d..ck." He was detoxing and didn't like what I had to say. I hung up and answered two days later. When I did answer, I said "listen..any disrespect than I won't answer again."

Desperation is a good thing...believe it or not!

heartstone

There's been another development in my struggle to detach from my son. There's some legal stuff I won't bore you with, but the end result is this: There is a possibility that if my son has no place to live, the judge will send him to prison (for 7 years) instead of re-instating his probation. This I did not need, once again feeling responsible for the outcome. My son asked me if I could really let him go to prison knowing I could stop it. I just said I don't know that I have a choice. He said "You wouldn't do that to me, I know you wouldn't."

I hate that this is being put on my family's shoulders and I feel so weak. The choice is mine, I could give him a place to live so he could avoid prison. Prison! If it was county jail I wouldn't be struggling so, but him in prison terrifies me. And he'll hate us, really hate us if he ends up in prison because none of the family would give him a place to stay. I know I'm not supposed to do anything for him he can do himself, but he can't keep himself out of prison and I can. How can I detach when I hold his fate in my hands? Ugh this just isn't fair.

No one knows what the judge will do, but the lawyer needs to know if son has a place to live BEFORE the hearing next week. So far, we have told the lawyer he can't stay with any of us. But I feel the panic rising, wanting to change my mind, let him stay with me, or rent him a place, all the wrong things. Can I really let my son go to prison when I have an extra room he could stay in or money for rent? I don't WANT him here, I don't WANT to pay his way, but can I really let him go prison? Knowing he will hate me? Being scared he will come out even worse, or die in there?

Please if anyone has anything to offer, I need your strength. I'm saying and doing the right things so far I think, but just going through the motions of it. And that voice inside me that wants to fix it, because I can, is getting louder.

lizwig

Ugh...I'm so sorry you are dealing with this "have to have a decision right now!!" nonsense. Is there any possibility he could go to a sober living house instead of a family member....or a half way house? I do know this....You are not his only option....but you are the easiest one. Please keep in mind there are other things his attorney could present...long term rehab etc...but I'm guessing that isn't what you're son wants to agree to. The hard way is sometimes the best way...You are not responsible for fixing this for him and I know my attempts to cushion things for my son never made a difference. Perhaps this is an opportunity for him and his attorney to work this out. Sending you strength....

bottomline

Heartstone...please remember this: Nothing that has happened or will happen is your fault. There isn't any action or inaction that you could have done to help your son. Meaning...the cans, for example-you shouldn't have to scour your home clean for him. Your son is the one who can only help himself. His words of "you wouldn't do that to me. I know you wouldn't" are the cruel manipulations of an addict. Not intentional, but cruel just the same. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. You can feel the sadness and everything else that comes with it...but let that guilt go. Take this time to focus on yourself and your own happiness. Talk to a counselor or whatever you are comfortable with. Reading the posts on this forum helped me tremendously...you take care of you. xo