what a strange world this is
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
what a strange world this is
I just got a call from my son's ex best friend saying he heard from someone in NA my son stole money from service and had someone in the program buy him heroin. He's always done pills. I started to post about it and was letting my fears run away with me before thinking it through.
Instead of allowing my fears to run rampant I just had the best talk ever with my son. This disturbing first thing in the morning phone call opened up a path to real communication. I told him why I might go there in believing something so horrific to me. I talked about my fears. Some tears and allowed him to really see me. He talked about his program and why what I heard isn't true. We talked about his disease. We talked about his expertness in lying. We talked about my codependency and how to have real dialogue. We talked about the health situation which has him doing pills when he's in recovery. We talked about his support system. I talked about what I am learning about codependency. No yelling, no anger, real communication. We are going forward with new boundaries in place. Whew!
My son has been really sick for over a month and has had blood work being done every week, sometimes more than once, and some very serious medical procedures. He hasn't been in the halls for weeks because he's so sick and hasn't been doing service work. He's disturbed that supposedly someone in the halls is saying these things and is going to talk to his people (who all have healthy time) but his take is it is their (people talking) problem and not in his control.
The person who told me about this is involved in my son's felony case so that's upsetting to me. I am also disturbed about… a lot but why this bs even is happening in the halls, and out? But my son is right, not mine and out of my control. I did text the person who called and let him know it's not true and why I know this. I can't blame him for being willing to believe it. I was.
So very grateful for SR. Just sitting here 'talking' is an immense tool. And I do have real hope in our situation.
Instead of allowing my fears to run rampant I just had the best talk ever with my son. This disturbing first thing in the morning phone call opened up a path to real communication. I told him why I might go there in believing something so horrific to me. I talked about my fears. Some tears and allowed him to really see me. He talked about his program and why what I heard isn't true. We talked about his disease. We talked about his expertness in lying. We talked about my codependency and how to have real dialogue. We talked about the health situation which has him doing pills when he's in recovery. We talked about his support system. I talked about what I am learning about codependency. No yelling, no anger, real communication. We are going forward with new boundaries in place. Whew!
My son has been really sick for over a month and has had blood work being done every week, sometimes more than once, and some very serious medical procedures. He hasn't been in the halls for weeks because he's so sick and hasn't been doing service work. He's disturbed that supposedly someone in the halls is saying these things and is going to talk to his people (who all have healthy time) but his take is it is their (people talking) problem and not in his control.
The person who told me about this is involved in my son's felony case so that's upsetting to me. I am also disturbed about… a lot but why this bs even is happening in the halls, and out? But my son is right, not mine and out of my control. I did text the person who called and let him know it's not true and why I know this. I can't blame him for being willing to believe it. I was.
So very grateful for SR. Just sitting here 'talking' is an immense tool. And I do have real hope in our situation.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
So the person who called this morning is creating drama. Don't know his motivations, possibly because the court case is heating up. I simply texted earlier it wasn't true and why but I guess he needs drama. Texting all huffy and trying to engage in who said it and why (I'm speculating) it's true and I'm being an idiot. He has always loved drama and he uses too. Because he does his drugs with the doctors doesn't take away from the fact that he uses daily and has for a long time. He knows the part he played in my son's struggles but I would never discuss that with him as my son is responsible for his choices. I simply texted back that I appreciated him telling me (he was offended by my earlier text) and that I was just telling him facts. That's it on the subject between us as far as I'm concerned. He says he just wants to help me. I don't see it. Will hopefully not hear more from him. I know I'm dealing here with another addict even if he doesn't. The whole thing has put me on alert and did prompt serious discussion with my son. So I guess it's not all bad. I just have a life to get on with and this sifting of what's mine or of importance to my recovery is kinda exhausting!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm glad this opened up dialogue between your son and you, it's always good to clear the air.
That said...when people would call me or stop to talk and start telling me something my son had done (and sometimes it was quite true, sometimes not)...my reply was always "You will have to talk to my son about that, I don't get involved in his problems." and refuse to listen to long stories and drama.
One time it even involved me personally. In one of his using times my son had a scam going *sigh* and he would tell people that his mom (me) was updating all the computers in her office and had 7 computers to sell at a very low price. This was in the old days when computers were expensive, and he "sold" 5 of them for $200 each...that's $1000 which was a lot of money.
The story was bogus, but it bothered me that he would involve me. When I got calls from people asking when they could pick up their computers (and I figured out what was going on), I simply said "I am really sorry, my son lied to you and stole your money, you really need to report this to the police." And then I would not engage in listening to them blame, shame or carry on...my advice to call the police gave them their next step. I think my son actually thought I would give these people their money back and he was surprised when 4 of them pressed charges. It was the last time he involved me in his schemes.
My point (and the short versions is)...you can remove yourself from what is and is not going on in his life, or in gossip or innuendos or suggestions. Simply say "You will have to talk to my son about this, it has nothing to do with me."
Good luck, I know the gut kick feeling when you hear such things.
Hugs
That said...when people would call me or stop to talk and start telling me something my son had done (and sometimes it was quite true, sometimes not)...my reply was always "You will have to talk to my son about that, I don't get involved in his problems." and refuse to listen to long stories and drama.
One time it even involved me personally. In one of his using times my son had a scam going *sigh* and he would tell people that his mom (me) was updating all the computers in her office and had 7 computers to sell at a very low price. This was in the old days when computers were expensive, and he "sold" 5 of them for $200 each...that's $1000 which was a lot of money.
The story was bogus, but it bothered me that he would involve me. When I got calls from people asking when they could pick up their computers (and I figured out what was going on), I simply said "I am really sorry, my son lied to you and stole your money, you really need to report this to the police." And then I would not engage in listening to them blame, shame or carry on...my advice to call the police gave them their next step. I think my son actually thought I would give these people their money back and he was surprised when 4 of them pressed charges. It was the last time he involved me in his schemes.
My point (and the short versions is)...you can remove yourself from what is and is not going on in his life, or in gossip or innuendos or suggestions. Simply say "You will have to talk to my son about this, it has nothing to do with me."
Good luck, I know the gut kick feeling when you hear such things.
Hugs
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Thanks Ann, very good advise. At this time I can't say talk to my son as part of his bail conditions is no contact with this person, something which this person ignored for quite some time but now my son doesn't respond to his calls and texts anymore since this person went into court and lied about some stuff and he realized his 'friend' could use the contact against him. And would. *sigh* (I really liked that!) I too stopped answering his calls but this morning his repeated calls and ominous text made me break that boundary.
On another note - has anyone heard of 'narcotic bowel syndrome'? The fact that my son hasn't told his doctors about his drug use has been bothering me so I have been digging and this came across today. Understood no medical advise so if I'm out of line tell me! Just a yes or no?
Thanks again Ann, much appreciated!
On another note - has anyone heard of 'narcotic bowel syndrome'? The fact that my son hasn't told his doctors about his drug use has been bothering me so I have been digging and this came across today. Understood no medical advise so if I'm out of line tell me! Just a yes or no?
Thanks again Ann, much appreciated!
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Ann 
...you can remove yourself from what is and is not going on in his life
I also see it as important in much of our relationship. It is just so not cut and dried. He is really sick and lives here and I am carting him to all these appointments and working his medications and here for his daughter - a little enmeshed ya think!? I'm responsible for so much that I don't want to be in charge of!
I have told him I will support him in recovery and it is early times. He needs to physically get well so he can stand on his own two feet. And I am so ready to let go. He needs to carry his own stuff so I can carry only my stuff. I guess part of the letting go is not worrying about whether or not he steps up? I'm tired of the burdens.
My own personal recovery work is becoming clearer, sometimes, but I get overwhelmed.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have heard of this, there is a man at CR who had it. I am not sure what his doctor did to treat it but he continues to come and seems to be in better health, however I do know he told his doctor about his addiction issues.
The thing is, if your son or any other addict will not tell their physicians the whole truth they won't get the correct treatment. It is time for you to step back and let him handle it. I am not trying to be harsh, but if you get into trying to solve all of these problems for him it is going to drive you nuts. I am sure you have heard about the whole air mask on the airplane, you put it on yourself first so you can help others around you. If you become so emmeshed into him and his issues you won't be of any use to you or anyone else around you.
During this time I hope you use this to go to therapy and some meetings to get support for you!
The thing is, if your son or any other addict will not tell their physicians the whole truth they won't get the correct treatment. It is time for you to step back and let him handle it. I am not trying to be harsh, but if you get into trying to solve all of these problems for him it is going to drive you nuts. I am sure you have heard about the whole air mask on the airplane, you put it on yourself first so you can help others around you. If you become so emmeshed into him and his issues you won't be of any use to you or anyone else around you.
During this time I hope you use this to go to therapy and some meetings to get support for you!
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by hopeful4
The thing is, if your son or any other addict will not tell their physicians the whole truth they won't get the correct treatment
Now I need me to get well! Hoping for first al anon tonight, weather permitting. I'm doing a healing class that has become my therapy, great people working with me. Reading a lot on here and going to pick up some books suggested. And I have you and all of SR.
I am thinking more directly of my needs now and because I am I know my HP will guide me. My own sobriety has taught me to believe in miracles!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so glad you are going to Al-anon. Those meetings (Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA) helped so many of us find our balance and learn to live healthy happy lives...no matter how our addicted loved one was doing.
Good luck, I think you will find your meeting is much like here, people who understand and support you.
Hugs
Good luck, I think you will find your meeting is much like here, people who understand and support you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good Good Stuff!
I am so so happy to hear you are going to AlAnon and that you have a face to face support system. And of course...you have all of us here! SR is a great thing!
God Bless! Praying for you and your son!
I am so so happy to hear you are going to AlAnon and that you have a face to face support system. And of course...you have all of us here! SR is a great thing!
God Bless! Praying for you and your son!
Originally Posted by Lovenjoy
I have been gently (and not so gently!) encouraging my son to tell his doctors so he can get proper treatment. I told him what I discovered on NBS and now I am backing off. I ended with I need him to get well.
Now I need me to get well! Hoping for first al anon tonight, weather permitting. I'm doing a healing class that has become my therapy, great people working with me. Reading a lot on here and going to pick up some books suggested. And I have you and all of SR.
I am thinking more directly of my needs now and because I am I know my HP will guide me. My own sobriety has taught me to believe in miracles!
Now I need me to get well! Hoping for first al anon tonight, weather permitting. I'm doing a healing class that has become my therapy, great people working with me. Reading a lot on here and going to pick up some books suggested. And I have you and all of SR.
I am thinking more directly of my needs now and because I am I know my HP will guide me. My own sobriety has taught me to believe in miracles!
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Hopeful and Ann, words can't really say… I am so grateful, very emotional right now. These conversations this past week have resulted in a kind of miracle. And it just kind of happened without me really knowing until today. I accept that I am ill with my disease, codependency. I have never before accepted that. And I didn't even know I had accepted that until I said to my son this morning 'I am going to deal with my codependency'. Just came out in our talk. And I feel so optimistic because this is mine and I can do something about what's mine. Having a good cry. Release of much pain. Thank you
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are off to such a good start, keep it up and the promises will come true.
The 12 Promises of Al-anon
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the
Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become
mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy,
fulfillment, and wonder.
Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress
will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we
are both worthy of love and loving. We will love others without
losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be
able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope
to share with others.
We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our
emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the
world, our choices will expand.
With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives
and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God?s ease,
balance, and grace.
No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life?s
paradox, mystery, and awe.
We will laugh more.
Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as
we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot
do for ourselves."
From 'From Survival to Recovery', page 269,
copyright 1994 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
The 12 Promises of Al-anon
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the
Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become
mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy,
fulfillment, and wonder.
Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress
will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we
are both worthy of love and loving. We will love others without
losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be
able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope
to share with others.
We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our
emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the
world, our choices will expand.
With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives
and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God?s ease,
balance, and grace.
No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life?s
paradox, mystery, and awe.
We will laugh more.
Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as
we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot
do for ourselves."
From 'From Survival to Recovery', page 269,
copyright 1994 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Got to my first al anon and really liked it. They were having a 24 year anniversary celebration so really good eats! And some powerful sharing. Picked up a phrase from one woman that really clicked with me: 'hit the pause button'. I have found myself being quieter, just quieter, not so frantic with fixing and doing all the time so I related to hit the pause button.
I think I like taking care of myself. I had a good day and felt such joy with my granddaughter and was more patient and loving with my son. Those 2 sentences really go together don't they?! Just for today. And it was good.
Mentioned to someone I was working on my codependency but face to face was recommended so I came to al anon. He said sounds like you've been isolating, don't go it alone.
Yeah. I liked it.
I think I like taking care of myself. I had a good day and felt such joy with my granddaughter and was more patient and loving with my son. Those 2 sentences really go together don't they?! Just for today. And it was good.
Mentioned to someone I was working on my codependency but face to face was recommended so I came to al anon. He said sounds like you've been isolating, don't go it alone.
Yeah. I liked it.
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