There's been another development in my struggle to detach from my son. There's some legal stuff I won't bore you with, but the end result is this: There is a possibility that if my son has no place to live, the judge will send him to prison (for 7 years) instead of re-instating his probation. This I did not need, once again feeling responsible for the outcome. My son asked me if I could really let him go to prison knowing I could stop it. I just said I don't know that I have a choice. He said "You wouldn't do that to me, I know you wouldn't."
I hate that this is being put on my family's shoulders and I feel so weak. The choice is mine, I could give him a place to live so he could avoid prison. Prison! If it was county jail I wouldn't be struggling so, but him in prison terrifies me. And he'll hate us, really hate us if he ends up in prison because none of the family would give him a place to stay. I know I'm not supposed to do anything for him he can do himself, but he can't keep himself out of prison and I can. How can I detach when I hold his fate in my hands? Ugh this just isn't fair.
No one knows what the judge will do, but the lawyer needs to know if son has a place to live BEFORE the hearing next week. So far, we have told the lawyer he can't stay with any of us. But I feel the panic rising, wanting to change my mind, let him stay with me, or rent him a place, all the wrong things. Can I really let my son go to prison when I have an extra room he could stay in or money for rent? I don't WANT him here, I don't WANT to pay his way, but can I really let him go prison? Knowing he will hate me? Being scared he will come out even worse, or die in there?
Please if anyone has anything to offer, I need your strength. I'm saying and doing the right things so far I think, but just going through the motions of it. And that voice inside me that wants to fix it, because I can, is getting louder.