Txhelp

Sober living...pay one month if he gets out. Then he can get a job and pay it himself. That is a good deal for him.

I would not, knowing what I have been through....again and again and again....invite him in.

bookreader

Heartstone - Don't know where you live, but is there a Salvation Army? They took my homeless son in. He was on meds for addiction and they even took his prescriptions and told us to bring refills when needed. He didn't stay long and left on his own. I was with him when he went there and talked to many of the men living there and people working there. Great organization doing some good work.
b.

Nina Kay

heartstone,
I am so sorry that you are being put in this horrible position with your son. I wish that I knew the correct answer for you, but unfortunately I don't. My son just got out of prison last June. I was just always so terrified of the thought of my beautiful sweet hearted son going to a place like that. He had never even had a violent bone in his body, even when he was deep in his addiction. But he did go. He was sentenced to 5 yrs & got out in 9 months. Time served & good behaviour. I just wanted you to know that I do understand the fear.

I hope that you can consider talking to his lawyer as some have said & maybe talk to them about the sober living or salvation army or long term rehab, as others have suggested. I personally had to turn everything to do with my son over to the care of God and trust Him to take care of him lovingly. God did do that for me & for him. He came through it all & has been better since.
**************{Understanding & Caring Hugs}}}}}}}}

heartstone

You all are the best. I took your advice, the lawyer is supposedly looking at halfway houses, sober living, etc. and is aware my son can't stay with family. But now the lawyer won't call us back and the hearing is in 2 days. My son wanted us to also look into rent houses, apartments, but with him in jail, that was impossible and we didn't get anywhere.

The lawyer hasn't been to see my son since the first time and won't call us back so we don't know what to expect at the hearing. It's a court appointed attorney so I doubt she's trying too hard to find my son a place to go, but I'm trying to be hopeful. Without some kind of living arrangements the judge won't have a choice but send my son to to prison/jail rather than probation. I'm hoping for county jail time vs prison but who knows what the judge will do.

The guilt and fear of not letting him stay with me is running high. I'm afraid I'll regret my decision later somehow. My son has been mostly respectful during phone calls and apologizes immediately when he's not, but that makes it harder for me somehow. If he was yelling or blaming it wouldn't be so hard to deny him a home, if that makes sense. He's so scared and says he's just giving up. He sounds so sad. I'm trying to remember that it's already out of my hands but it doesn't really feel that way yet.

Anyway I wanted to give y'all an update while I had a little time, but most of all to thank you for the amazing support and advice. I'll let you all know what happens at the hearing. In the meantime, please let me know if I'm doing the right thing by my son, I'm not really backing down, but I'm second guessing myself so bad, afraid of the regrets I may have later when/if he's serving a 7-year prison sentence because I denied him my home.

needingabreak

Heartstone thank you for the update. Second guessing is not going to help you nor your son. I think you are making the right decision and I pray his lawyer does what she is supposed to do and gets him some help.
Remember your son has made some bad choices and as an adult must suffer whatever consequences come. While it is very difficult as a parent to watch this, I believe most here would tell you trying to help him will only set him back in realizing his consequences and wanting to change and seek recovery sooner.
I know it is so hard and I understand the pain and suffering of having an addicted child. It is one of the worst things ever but you are really helping him by not helping him. God bless you Heartstone.

Txhelp

You are doing the right thing for the both of you! Absolutely!!

You know exactly the pattern that holds if he comes to your home.

Sober living/halfway homes are excellent choices. My kids asked me to help them get an apt..however I know that, in order for them to live in a sober living home, they need to be sober. The odds are if they are sober then they can maintain rent; food; etc.

lizwig

Thank you for the update. It is hard to walk firmly with the decisions we have to make sometimes. I wanted to share with you that my son did 4 months in prison (minimum security) due to probation violations. He initially had a 24 month sentence, he took probation and half heartedly complied for 15 months. When they revoked his probation he was set to serve the 24 months. I was told by his attorney they would immediately cut that length in half when he arrived at prison. They did. So now 12 months. then they took the months he complied with probation and took half of that off...So less 7.5 months. He actually served 4.5 months on a two year charge because he was non-violent and a first offender. He was in minimum security the entire time and to be honest he said there were all sorts of opportunities he wished he had taken while there. Treatment...NA classes, welding, automotive classes and college courses. Instead he chose to simply count the minutes, made all sorts of promises then immediately relapsed upon release. He's been at it ever since. I suppose my point is I can completely relate to the anxiety around legal issues. As hard as it is I simply could not have my son live with me again. Too much has happened. Too much trust has been lost. Would I help him if he was embracing sobriety...absolutely. but not to the degree I did in the past. We don't help our kids by suffering their consequences for them. Why wouldn't they assume we'd fix it the next time too? I feel for you, it's a tough position to be in...but personally I think you are aware something needs to change but it's so Damn uncomfortable enforcing it. Big hug to you today.

heartstone

Thanks so much, I feel calmer from reading your replies. Most of the time I know I'm doing the right things, but it helps so much to get affirmation from those who understand, who have been there. I don't know what I'd do without you all being here for me. Thank you so much.

And a special thank you to lizwig for sharing your son's prison experience with me. I have no idea what it's like in prison, or how things work, and I have imagined the most horrible things. My son is also first time, non-violent offender, so if he does go to prison, maybe it won't be as bad as I imagined after all. I wish the best for your son and thanks again for sharing, this has helped me so much.

Kindeyes

I had to let go of the feeling that a "good mother" wouldn't let XYZ happen to her son. I am a good, loving mother and so are you. So are the other parents responding to you in this thread. We love our children. We want so desperately for them not to be addicted. But they are.

Only you can make the decisions that you can live with but I hope you know that there's a whole bunch of people here who understand from very personal perspectives how difficult the decisions are. We all learn at our own pace......and I was a particularly slow learner.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

cynical one

Since the PD isn't being overly helpful (low paying job with an extensive caseload), if it were me I would see if you have a Salvation Army or Oxford House in your area (but not too close). I would probably call them and see if they have any openings, explain the situation that your son cannot call for himself and then pass that information on to the PD. And, if the SA doesn't work out, if you are able/willing, you could offer to pay for the first month at the Oxford House (or other sober home) and if he screws that up...then he IS homeless.

In all reality, if he doesn't have a mile of priors on his record, I really don't see the judge sending him to prison. If anything, perhaps timed served plus extended probation or worst case maybe an additional 3-6 months in county.

I'm not a parent, but I do have a degree in Criminal Justice so IMO, you're doing the right things.

Sending calming thoughts and deep cleansing breaths your way.

Salvation Army
http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/...rehabilitation
Oxford House
http://www.oxfordhouse.org/locate_houses.php

EJG123

Heartstone- My AD was in prison for 6 mos, did not take advantage of programs, and relapsed on release. She was arrested again after a year or so and has been working her way through the consequences. This time around, she says she will make use of whatever opportunities for improvement come her way in whatever place she is sent. She tried for a detox and rehab, but only made it through 3 days of detox (better than the first time). Now she is sentenced to a community based corrections program and hopes to be able to make it work. If not, it will be another prison sentence. She did say that the conditions in prison were better than county jail. Either way, I think she has figured out that she needs to make changes or it will be more of the same. I doubt your son will get a long sentence if he has to go to prison.

heartstone

Hello again SR, quick update and as always thanks SO much for all your kindness, support, and information.

The lawyer finally made contact, and she hasn't done anything to get son into a residential facility like she said she would. She said the DA offered 5 years prison (instead of the original 7 years) as a 'deal' and won't budge. That's it. I was surprised at this, especially after reading your much appreciated post, cynical one. I was kinda expecting county time too. The decision is up to the judge alone, but the judge and the DA here tend to buddy up. The hearing is tomorrow thankfully, the waiting and dread has been the worst part. I'm feeling ok, these are his consequences and he is facing them surprisingly well, he's not blaming, yelling, or whining, and that's a good thing for everyone.

Whatever happens, happens, and I'll accept it. I feel like either way he'll be out in a few months if he has good behavior. Ugh, then I'll have to deal with everything that comes from him being out. I shouldn't get ahead of myself though...

Txhelp

It's out of your hands.....I pray that your son will have some peace and that you will also.

hopeful4

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I want to say that I read an article just the other day that many folks are very surprised that county jail is many times worse than actual prison. Here is the thing, what is going to happen when and if he comes to your home? He is going to immediately start using again. He has shown that. He has not taken this seriously.

I read once that when you take the consequences away from an addict you are actually removing any chance of recovery they may have had. They have to go through all of that and have consequences so they truly want change. If you keep catching him over and over what motivation does he have to change?

If he gets out and uses again he is simply going to go through this again and again, which means you are too. I hear desperation in your thoughts, you don't want him at your home, it is that simple. He has burned his own bridges now it's time to own up to them.

That being said, I cannot make this decision, only you. I understand you are a mother. There is nothing more important than our own children, I get that. However, they have to learn and sometimes it is a lesson we cannot teach them.

H is a hard addiction to kick. He has to truly want to recover.

God Bless. You are in my prayers.

heartstone

Hearing is over. 5 years prison.

hopeful4

(((heartstone)))

At least he will be safe and hopefully learn from this and have the time it takes to kick this addiction.

Please get yourself some support if you don't already have it.

We are here with you!!!

lizwig

Big, big hug from one mom to another. The release date may change once he gets there. If not...perhaps he can utilize their education tract. Sending you prayers for strength and grace. There is a learning curve when they first get there (for us as well). In our state if I sent more than $10 at a time 1/2 of it was put towards fines. I thought $10 at a time was enough anyway....kept him in paper/ stamps and shampoo. There was also an email system that I opted to do. It was way cheaper than phone and kept us in touch. My son was much nicer to me when he was in prison. He had to be, I was the only one who communicated with him consistently. Hang in there. This will be what he makes of it.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Heartstone, here is a link I found when my son faced prison time. There are tons of support groups and once he is finally placed in the specific prison, there are even specific forums for those prisons. This helped me cope during my uncertain times.
Hugs TT
Prison Talk - Prison Information and Inmate Support Community

Kindeyes

Another hug from another mother.......and a short story.

A friend of mine went to prison for five years........drug related. He found recovery there and is clean and sober many, many years later. He helps other addicts today. We never know what will get through to a person. For my friend, it was prison time. He didn't know at the time that the day he got arrested would be his last day using.....but it was. He is truly one of the kindest, gentlest people I know.

There are resources for recovery in most prisons......if your son wants to make a change.....the opportunity will be there.

Now......what are you going to do to take care of you? Most of us are real big on self care around here.....and as a mother......it was very difficult for me to take care of myself. I was so used to taking care of others that I totally lost touch with who I was. Perhaps this time will also give you the opportunity to rediscover heartstone......the things you love......the things that make you happy.......the things that make your life worth living.

It may be hard to think about right now.......but there are many of us who have walked this path for a while......and we're ok.

You and your dear son will continue to be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

devastated

Hi Heartstone:

I am so sorry for you. Your post brought back so many bad memories of my own. I should start out by telling you I went through this for 35 years with my son. His drug of choice was Meth!

So, reading your post reminded me of a few things. First, my husband is his step-father, and although he has been absoultely wonderful to my children, I kept so much away from him. It was like living a double life!! It was difficult too because I spent so much time trying to cover for my son, like you with the can stuff, that I would forget what I told him.

My son was facing 7 years of prison and begged me to bail him out while he awaited sentencing. He seemed so sorry and so sincere, like you, I offered him a place to stay and bailed him out!

I never told my husband that I bailed him out. You know how I bailed him? I put my house as collateral! This meant if he didn't show in court, they could take our home! OMG, what was I thinking!! Or not!!

He stayed at the house for only three days then dissappeared. I couldn't find him anywhere. Two months went by and he was still missing! Court was around the corner. I started to contemplate suicide as I couldn't tell my husband what I had done. We worked so hard for that home!!

The day of court came. I was so scared as I walked in that courtroom! He wasn't there. They called his case! All of a sudden he appeared! It was like a miracle! There he was. Dirty, tired, but there. They took him away to San Quentin. I cried because they wouldn't even let me say goodbye!

All I could think of was thank the Lord he showed up. He showed up knowing full well they would take him then.

This is exactly where you are today! All I know is for all the times I bailed him out, I wish I hadn't. For all the times I covered for him, I wish I hadn't. For all the times I lead that double life, I wish I hadn't. For all the times I believed he wouldn't do it again, I wish I hadn't.

Do you know why I wish I hadn't? Because all it did was cripple his recovery. It wasn't until I finally said, "I love you, but cannot do this anymore!" "Call me when you are serious about getting help!"

Do not go looking for a place for him to live! That is his job, and he will do it when only when you stop helping. You have to be strong and remember you are doing it for his own good! Help him by letting him go! When you do let him go, he will either find his way or not! Those are his choices!! Not yours!

Prison will help him sort his mind out! He will be ok there. My son made it through two San Quentin sentences! He even said that prison is better than county jail because everyone pretty much minds their own business, unlike county where youngsters are trying to prove themselves!!

Don't let him turn things around and make this look like this is all your fault! It is not! Remind him about choices!! Behonest with your husband and family too. You all have to be on the same page!

By the way, it is not your fault that you left that in the room. It's his fault for using them!

I'm praying for you and your son! I know how scary all this is, but it will be alright, I promise you.

Incidentally, my son is 51 years old and clean for almost 3 years now. I wish I had "let him go" years ago. I waited too long!

Hugs and prayers coming your way
Devastated