Step 9
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Step 9
Hi all, I need some advice. I'm 7 months sober and have been a member of AA for about 8 months. I have had 3 sponsors so far. The one I currently have is awesome, but she tends to disappear from time to time. I think she gets busy. Anyway, with my last sponsor I was able to get to step 9, but I was never able to make any amends because I had a lot going on in my life. Then I ended up getting a new sponsor (my current one). The last time I talked to her, which was about 3 weeks ago, she suggested that I focus on step 3. I work on step 3 every day. I feel comfortable with step 3 and I've also already done steps 4-8. Now, my dilemma is, I feel like I need to make an amends to my husband sooner rather than later. I feel like what I did has put a strain on our marriage. I was hoping that maybe an amends would help clear some things up. Am I jumping the gun? I want to do each step thoroughly and honestly, but at the rate I'm going it may be a long time before I get to make an amends to him. Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
You're trying to make amends on your time table. It's not up to you. That's why your sponsor told you to read step 3. Remember, your will and life are in God's care now. Ask Him to show you when the time is right. You don't have the right to hurt someone else to sooth your guilt.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
must remember the "except when to do so would injure them or others" part of the step.
I would suggest praying on it, then listening.
but then again, god may have given you an answer through your sponsor.
maybe ask her why she feels you should wait?
I would suggest praying on it, then listening.
but then again, god may have given you an answer through your sponsor.
maybe ask her why she feels you should wait?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
The 9th step is the only one of the 12 I think we need to exercise caution with. Hmm... perhaps we should be cautious of who we share our 5th step with also, but anyhow...
If you're questioning whether or not you should make ammends, I say it's best to not do it just yet, as you're not sure. I agree with your sponsor to jump back into step 3.
I think it's important also to check our motives. Do we want to make ammends to make right for the wrongs, or simply to clear our conscience? The latter is doing it for selfish reasons. When I was early in sobriety I jumped the gun and made ammends to my ex girlfriend. All I would up doing was hurting her, and giving myself a little extra guilt to deal with. I thought I was doing the right thing.
If you want to make ammends for drinking and lying the best possible ammends you can make is to not drink, and not lie. Ammends doesn't mean saying we're sorry, it means doing the best we can to right a wrong. I'd hold off on this one and follow the guidance you've been given. If you're truly working a 3rd step, then it seems the path you're being directed to is to keep it to yourself for the time being. The future may very well dictate something different.
If you're questioning whether or not you should make ammends, I say it's best to not do it just yet, as you're not sure. I agree with your sponsor to jump back into step 3.
I think it's important also to check our motives. Do we want to make ammends to make right for the wrongs, or simply to clear our conscience? The latter is doing it for selfish reasons. When I was early in sobriety I jumped the gun and made ammends to my ex girlfriend. All I would up doing was hurting her, and giving myself a little extra guilt to deal with. I thought I was doing the right thing.
If you want to make ammends for drinking and lying the best possible ammends you can make is to not drink, and not lie. Ammends doesn't mean saying we're sorry, it means doing the best we can to right a wrong. I'd hold off on this one and follow the guidance you've been given. If you're truly working a 3rd step, then it seems the path you're being directed to is to keep it to yourself for the time being. The future may very well dictate something different.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
I would definitely ask your sponsor to meet with you and get settled into step work. Doing amends out of order and without sponsor help is usually a mistake.
Meaningful conversations rarely are the turning point in relationships. Consistent change of attitude and actions are needed.
Meaningful conversations rarely are the turning point in relationships. Consistent change of attitude and actions are needed.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am taking off my alkie hat and putting on my codie hat 
If he is the same kind of codependent that I am, you never pulled one over him. He instinctually knew when you drank even if he was somewhere else, he would sometimes just get that nagging feeling of anxiety and know it in his guts.
He would pick up your mood and attitude change and internalize them to the point where he felt those were his.
Shoot, I could be in a different room and here the pop of a can or a bottle and know when it was soda or if it was alcohol.
He knew you were lying and sneaking but for one reason or another chose not to confront you.
The best amend you can do to him is a living amend. As partners of active alcoholics, we have heard the "I m sorry, I'll quit, it won't happen again" so many times that we have become blase.
It takes a long time to regain the trust of your loved ones. Everyday you are a loving wife who remains sober, you are coming closer to regaining that trust and you are making amends to him.
OK taking off my codie hat and putting my alkie hat back on.
If he is the same kind of codependent that I am, you never pulled one over him. He instinctually knew when you drank even if he was somewhere else, he would sometimes just get that nagging feeling of anxiety and know it in his guts.
He would pick up your mood and attitude change and internalize them to the point where he felt those were his.
Shoot, I could be in a different room and here the pop of a can or a bottle and know when it was soda or if it was alcohol.
He knew you were lying and sneaking but for one reason or another chose not to confront you.
The best amend you can do to him is a living amend. As partners of active alcoholics, we have heard the "I m sorry, I'll quit, it won't happen again" so many times that we have become blase.
It takes a long time to regain the trust of your loved ones. Everyday you are a loving wife who remains sober, you are coming closer to regaining that trust and you are making amends to him.
OK taking off my codie hat and putting my alkie hat back on.
2Cor5:17
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Between Doctor's opinion & pg 164
Posts: 4,187
Hi Zelda,
I was in same situation as you are some mths ago. Was on step 5 & I remembered my cousin mentioning to other cousin that every time he saw me that i was drunk! I'd gone up there last yr for last "hurrah" n wake also took place. Needless to say when I returned it came back to me & bothered my conscience so made an amends even tho during men's mtg was told not to skip steps. Justified it by asking myself "what if he died b4 I got to 9?"
I soothed my conscience so that was learning experience but if you're really on 9, then by all means do it
I was in same situation as you are some mths ago. Was on step 5 & I remembered my cousin mentioning to other cousin that every time he saw me that i was drunk! I'd gone up there last yr for last "hurrah" n wake also took place. Needless to say when I returned it came back to me & bothered my conscience so made an amends even tho during men's mtg was told not to skip steps. Justified it by asking myself "what if he died b4 I got to 9?"
I soothed my conscience so that was learning experience but if you're really on 9, then by all means do it
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Laconia
Posts: 813
Originally Posted by Carlotta 
I am taking off my alkie hat and putting on my codie hat
The best amend you can do to him is a living amend. As partners of active alcoholics, we have heard the "I m sorry, I'll quit, it won't happen again" so many times that we have become blasé.
It takes a long time to regain the trust of your loved ones. Everyday you are a loving wife who remains sober, you are coming closer to regaining that trust and you are making amends to him.
OK taking off my codie hat and putting my alkie hat back on.
The best amend you can do to him is a living amend. As partners of active alcoholics, we have heard the "I m sorry, I'll quit, it won't happen again" so many times that we have become blasé.
It takes a long time to regain the trust of your loved ones. Everyday you are a loving wife who remains sober, you are coming closer to regaining that trust and you are making amends to him.
OK taking off my codie hat and putting my alkie hat back on.
that caused the damage !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Zelda,
If you have done all the steps and are up to step 9 with your previous sponsor, why doesn't your current sponsor acknowledge that and continue on where your previous sponsor left off? is it the protocol in step work to begin the steps again if you change sponsors and if so why didn't you start at step one? Does your current sponsor believe that you need to hand it over to your higher power and perhaps senses that you are not really willing?
Pardon all the questions but I don't understand why you can't just go and make amends, I see this as a very positive thing that you are so willing and keen to do so. Am I missing something?
All the best
CaiHong
If you have done all the steps and are up to step 9 with your previous sponsor, why doesn't your current sponsor acknowledge that and continue on where your previous sponsor left off? is it the protocol in step work to begin the steps again if you change sponsors and if so why didn't you start at step one? Does your current sponsor believe that you need to hand it over to your higher power and perhaps senses that you are not really willing?
Pardon all the questions but I don't understand why you can't just go and make amends, I see this as a very positive thing that you are so willing and keen to do so. Am I missing something?
All the best
CaiHong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Well I'd truly rather not say anything about it. I'm passive like that. But I just want to do what is right and sometimes I feel like I owe him a real apology for all that I did. Of course I apologized in the beginning, but he had heard it before. Now that I've been sober for a while I feel like maybe I owe him an apology for hurting him. I feel like there's still some bad feelings lingering. Maybe I can't fix it. Well I'll pray about it some more and give it to my higher power.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
I don't know that it'd soothe my conscious anyway. I don't even want to apologize for drinking. I already did that. I want to apologize for breaking his trust. I want to apologize for threatening to break that very special bond we had, if I didn't already. I want to apologize for putting him through hell (what he described as being the hardest time in his life. Even after 3 tours in Iraq). I feel like its a time sensitive issue. Who's to say that feeling isn't my higher power nudging me to do something? I think with help from you all I've gotten an answer to my question. I'm not sure if it'll be in the proper order that the "rules" of AA have laid. I think the time will present itself and I'll know what to say... Or not to say...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
amends aren't about sayin either "im sorry" or "I apologize." its admitting our faults and what we are doin to change.
I said "I apologize" and "im sorry" a lot of times. I heard " dam straight yer sorry" often when I said "im sorry."
I heard "whatever" often when I apologized.
usually had,"i promise ill never do that again" thrown in there.
I said "I apologize" and "im sorry" a lot of times. I heard " dam straight yer sorry" often when I said "im sorry."
I heard "whatever" often when I apologized.
usually had,"i promise ill never do that again" thrown in there.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
What others have said is true - this is not an apology. I almost always avoided the word "sorry" in my amends. It was more along the lines of:
"I harmed you. I (insert harms here). I would like to make amends to you for that. Is there anything else that I need to know about these things?" (listen to them, not talking nor defending self) "What can I do to make it right?" (listen to them, not talking nor balking).
And then I did it.
I mean, there was a little bit more preamble, but I found that getting to it helped me focus and keep it where it needed to be i.e. not an apology.
As for timing...well, as you said, pray on it. Talk to your sponsor. I always ran my amends by my sponsor to make sure that my motives were in check and that I wasn't forcing something that needn't be forced. My amend to my wife was the first one. And it is a continuing one, in some ways, as I continue to not take her for granted and to respect her, which was she asked of me to make things right. Feeling that you broke your husband's might now just be about being trustworthy - being where you say you will be, doing what you say you will do, etc.
It's the simple, but consistent stuff that does it for me.
"I harmed you. I (insert harms here). I would like to make amends to you for that. Is there anything else that I need to know about these things?" (listen to them, not talking nor defending self) "What can I do to make it right?" (listen to them, not talking nor balking).
And then I did it.
I mean, there was a little bit more preamble, but I found that getting to it helped me focus and keep it where it needed to be i.e. not an apology.
As for timing...well, as you said, pray on it. Talk to your sponsor. I always ran my amends by my sponsor to make sure that my motives were in check and that I wasn't forcing something that needn't be forced. My amend to my wife was the first one. And it is a continuing one, in some ways, as I continue to not take her for granted and to respect her, which was she asked of me to make things right. Feeling that you broke your husband's might now just be about being trustworthy - being where you say you will be, doing what you say you will do, etc.
It's the simple, but consistent stuff that does it for me.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Do you have any amends you would find "easy"? Or maybe simple would be another word to use. When I looked over my step 8 list I divided it into 4 categories...now, later, maybe, and when hell freezes over. 
By the time I finished the amends in the now column (I considered these "easy" as in not a lot of emotion attached to them) the fear of moving to the next column had diminished. All of the "later's" moved into the "now" column and the "maybes" and "nevers" all became doable at some point in my mind.
I found it most productive for me to ease into the amends process. As I found out in steps 4/5 self-centered fear ruled my life, so I was a big procrastinator due to that fear. It was important for me to get started on step 9 even if I took baby steps. I knew if I waited it would turn into a huge and overwhelming task in my alcoholic mind. During my active drinking I can't tell you how many times I told myself I was going to quit tomorrow, but tomorrow never came. I knew that the same thing could happen with making my amends if I didn't just start doing it whether I wanted to or not.
By the time I finished the amends in the now column (I considered these "easy" as in not a lot of emotion attached to them) the fear of moving to the next column had diminished. All of the "later's" moved into the "now" column and the "maybes" and "nevers" all became doable at some point in my mind.I found it most productive for me to ease into the amends process. As I found out in steps 4/5 self-centered fear ruled my life, so I was a big procrastinator due to that fear. It was important for me to get started on step 9 even if I took baby steps. I knew if I waited it would turn into a huge and overwhelming task in my alcoholic mind. During my active drinking I can't tell you how many times I told myself I was going to quit tomorrow, but tomorrow never came. I knew that the same thing could happen with making my amends if I didn't just start doing it whether I wanted to or not.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
Originally Posted by zelda1
Hi all, I need some advice. I'm 7 months sober and have been a member of AA for about 8 months. I have had 3 sponsors so far. The one I currently have is awesome, but she tends to disappear from time to time. I think she gets busy. Anyway, with my last sponsor I was able to get to step 9, but I was never able to make any amends because I had a lot going on in my life. Then I ended up getting a new sponsor (my current one). The last time I talked to her, which was about 3 weeks ago, she suggested that I focus on step 3. I work on step 3 every day. I feel comfortable with step 3 and I've also already done steps 4-8. Now, my dilemma is, I feel like I need to make an amends to my husband sooner rather than later. I feel like what I did has put a strain on our marriage. I was hoping that maybe an amends would help clear some things up. Am I jumping the gun? I want to do each step thoroughly and honestly, but at the rate I'm going it may be a long time before I get to make an amends to him. Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by Db1105
I was taught that once I completed the 8Th Step, I was to immediately start on my Ninth Step. I would find a sponsor who had the time to help me.
I did not think I was procrastinating but I was. I finally had to take the bull by the horns and get at it.
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