Ourtown

I guess this is more for people who are dating or married to someone who is an alcoholic. Why do you stay? Why do you put up with it on a daily basis? Are the good times worth the terrible ones? Are you afraid to leave? I really want to know. I'm struggling with this aspect SO MUCH right now.

Like I said, this seems more aimed for people who are in relationships but I'd love to have everyone's opinion about why they continue the relationship (whatever that relationship may be) with the alcoholic.

ResignedToWait

This is a pretty complicated question, with people's individual situations varying so much.

For me, it was the commitment to being married. Years & years because of that reason...but then the safety of the children from her became more important than some idea of commitment I thought there was.
She had broken that commitment with her addiction years ago, it just took me several years to catch up to the new reality.

Many people here harbor a large amount of guilt for "leaving" their alcoholic. They needn't, though....their alcoholic left them (in spirit) long ago.

wanttobehealthy

I stayed much longer than I should have bc I feared for my kids safety when alone a their dad (XAH). Lots of people told me to trust the system, that the court would see him for what he was etc and in truth, EVERY fear I had about how bad it would be when I left has come true.

It is much more peaceful living apart from him BUT it doesn't change or make ok the fact that our kids are with him alone with him drinking and until he gets a DUI apparently the authorities don't care.

If I had t do it over I would probably have stayed and just kept my mouth shut to keep the peace bc protecting my kids comes first and when they're alone w their dad I am not protecting them at all and things are getting worse by the week when they are with him.

Hammer

yep.

yep.

Yurt

And some people delay leaving because they are waiting for that one big event that will justify that desicion (looking in the mirror, here).

Wavy

I stayed because I loved him.

Because every time he emerged from his selfish bubble and was kind it rekindled a hope and a dream in me and that was too mesmerising to be able to step away from, despite the horror of the in between times.

Because I was scared of the unknown, scared of making the wrong decision, scared of being on my own, scared of being a failure, of all that time and effort and pain being for nothing.

Because I'd made a commitment to him and felt like I was betraying him by wanting to leave.

Because I'd never known anything better so I couldn't trust that I wasn't leaving the best thing I'd ever find.

Because he'd made me doubt myself so much that I wondered if I was unreasonable, my expectations were too high or I didn't understand what love really was.

Because facing reality was too painful compared to continuing to hope for my fantasy.

Because I didn't know what else to do.

kudzujean

No one has posted this yet, but some people stay because of finances. My mother did. Of course, that was in the not-so-fabulous 50's and times have changed a lot.

But I'm sure there are still some that stay because of finances, which I can understand, having been in dire financial straits myself in the past.

JustAGirl1971

Why do I stay? My reasons in the past are different from my reasons now. Honestly, it's only in recent years that I realized that most people do not live like this. I grew up with an alcoholic/workaholic father. My sisters have all been married to men who are alcoholic or abuse alcohol. Family reunions with my family always include alcohol. Parents in my family accept that their teens will drink. Some even supply the alcohol. It was the norm. So, when my husband drank, it felt normal.

Love was/is part of it. Despite everything, I do love him. I still have trouble imagining myself without him. We've been together since I was 17 so I have very little experience with breaking up (only one boyfriend before him.)

Financial security was part of it, too. I find that really ironic since I've always earned more than my husband despite making career choices that have negatively impacted my earning potential. I don't regret those decisions because they've enabled me to spend more time with my children but they did/do make it harder to leave.

Also, I take my marriage vows seriously. To me, divorce is a last option. Not something you do just because it's easier or will make you happier. Part of that's my faith, part of it's my unwillingness to admit failure I think.

Now, I mostly stay out of a sense of obligation. I really think we've outgrown each other and I think divorce would probably be the best for all of us.... but as soon as I start to make peace with that, I remind myself that God can work all things for good, he has a plan for our family, and he can redeem anyone/anything, even this broken marriage. And then I start the cycle all over again I am closer to leaving today than I was yesterday... and the day before that... and the year before that. I've accepted that it's probably inevitable and it should probably be sooner rather than later, I just have to make peace with it.

honeypig

I stay (for now) b/c I received advice at Alanon that I shouldn't make any big changes (such as leaving a marriage) in my first year of "serenity", much as A's are advised not to make any big changes in their first year of sobriety. I was advised to wait for several reasons: It is a marriage of nearly 20 years and thus 1 more year to work on things and get an accurate picture of what is going on is not an unreasonable investment of time, I was not in either physical or financial danger from continuing the relationship, and the A expressed, at least at times, interest in getting sober.

Several folks here at SR seconded that advice; the thing that sticks with me the most as far as any specific thing that was said was that I'd do better to leave when I felt I was coming from a place of strength and calm rather than a place of anger and fear. Strength and calm are slowly growing, and I think this is GREAT advice for so many things.

We have no children, either, so there's not that consideration.

It is November. I started Alanon in mid March. To the best of my knowledge, my A has about 4 months of sobriety, from mid July to now. However, this weekend I found undocumented cash withdrawals from our savings and got a whole lot of BS when I asked what that was about. Then I was blamed for his dishonesty (he is "too embarrassed" to tell me these things). Now this AM, it's his sponsor's fault b/c he is not accessible enough. I don't know if he is actually drinking again, but with the behaviors and thought patterns I'm seeing here, I can't believe it's long until it happens unless he really starts working.

I myself go to Alanon and come here regularly. I have learned a lot and changed in the past 8 months. I have far to go. But here is where I am now:
I believe I see a goodhearted, sensitive man at times. If I see that man enough, if I believe he is making progress in recovery, I will continue to stay. If I see continual backsliding, I will not stay.

Hope that helps.

hopeful4

I stay for my children. Up until this year it was not only because of them, although it is now. I stay because I am afraid of what will happen to them, that the system will not protect them. Just this past Saturday I had a dose of it. I left for a while to go get daughter and food, etc. Came home, was obvious AH had been drinking. Not enough for the kids and everyone else to know, but definitely enough for me to know. I sucked it up. It was my daughter's bday weekend. We had put up our Xmas tree and were getting ready to watch an Xmas movie. I had a choice. I could make him leave or suck it up. For that day I sucked it up. I took him upstairs and calmly told him I know he has been drinking and for the sake of everyone involved don't embarass me or the rest of us and go upstairs and stay away from us. He pretty much did that.

Of course, next day, let's pretend it did not happen. I am not angry anymore, more sad that he is going to lose everything and everyone and chooses to drink (and yes, it is a choice) over saving his self and his family. I did not cause it and I cannnot cure it.

I can feel it changing for me. I don't know that I will be able to put up with it much more as I am not positive I am doing my kids any favors, truly I don't know. It's the age old delemma isn't it? That being said, from everything I have read on here, I don't trust the system to protect my kids and I don't trust him, so I guess it's up to me isn't it?!

Thank You.

blake1989

Something I have thought about constantly. Many have gotten through to me here loud and clear, and yes I'm seeing things differently recently. So why am I where I am. I'm still with my girlfriend. I still love her dearly. Here are some 'reasons', or just excuses..

We talked about getting married and making a life so much that it 'programmed' me. I admit I've clung to that notion. She's the only person I've ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It's like I have a partial mental block not allowing me to see that this may just be a road to ruin.

In one of my posts, I talked about how I have/had charmed myself into thinking my girlfriend is only getting better. But she has not stopped. She has stopped for 2 weeks at a time after regretting things she's said around me.

To the good outweighing the bad. Wavy said it better than I ever could: Every time she emerges from her darkness, it rekindles "a hope and a dream in me and that was too mesmerising to be able to step away from, despite the horror of the in between times."

She regularly opts not to drink and drives an hour in traffic to surprise me. We'll talk for hours, go get coffee, watch a movie. No alcohol. These are some of the mesmerising in between times, I guess.

She has given me validation that I haven't gotten before. Very tough to realize this. I've been addicted to the little love notes she leaves to be found at my apartment, her belief in my artistic abilities, her respect for what I do, her posting pictures of us everywhere. She is so proud of us as a couple and shouts it from the mountains.

And honestly, I am petrified at what will happen if I break up with her. She attempted suicide twice about 13 yrs ago and has long marks on her wrists. My last girlfriend tried to cut her wrists and then stab me the day I broke up with her, so this is on my mind. That behavior was totally out of left field, so I'm terrified of something similar here. I'm more scared for her than myself. I know that is codependent thinking.

hopeful4

Blake, I can understand that. I worry what my AH would do if I left, if he would hurt himself in some way. I know that would not be my fault at all, but it would have devestating effects on my girls so it is a concern, certainly. When he got back from rehab over 3 yrs ago I read something he had written that he was at peace w/his decision that if he had to go to jail he would commit suicide. Of course I freaked out.

Now I look back and see that is the most selfish thing I have ever heard, but that is another topic. He has two children and if would put us/them through that then he is more horrible than I ever realized.

I usto have those same visualizations about our relationship between alcoholic breaks in behavior..no more. I don't like who he is althought I can see how much harder that would make a decision to leave or to stay if I did like him as a person deep down.

Good Luck to everyone, it is baby steps, that is for sure.

CarryOn

I stay in my marriage because I love my husband and I see progress in both of our recoveries. I see a lot more positive in his behaviors & actions than negative, and I have hope that he can move past his relapse. I see the change needed for our marriage to continue, and hopefully grow stronger. There is/was no physical or financial danger.

I also know that it can come crashing down with one drink. I know that I will be okay if that does happen. I know that I am stronger than I was several months ago, and that after kicking him out once, I could do it again...and probably much sooner than I did the first time.

I also know that if he had not stopped drinking, we would be on our way to divorce. I can afford to spend time on RAH if he is working on recovery that I could not afford to spend if he was continuing to drink.

So...love and hope, with a heavy dose of reality, and careful consideration of all my options with ongoing recovery work.

FireSprite

Great thread for me today - thanks to all for sharing.

lillamy

I stayed at first because people had told me AXH was a jerk and I was going to prove people wrong because my love would change him. (I figured out that it was God's love that changes people. Got a little confused there.)

Then I stayed because I was strong enough to handle it. I wasn't like those wimpy wives who cried divorce at the slightest wind of problems. Nope. I was a good Christian woman who stood by my man, dammit. (I later realized that this wasn't love; it was pride.)

Then I stayed because we had children together and marriage was holy and the children needed their father. (I later realized they weren't ignorant of the drinking and abuse.)

Then I stayed because he had money and knew about eighty-four lawyers and I was convinced he would get custody of the kids if I left. (I later learned that narcissists who are also alcoholics tend to think they don't need a top-notch lawyer because they're already right.)

Then I stayed because he had really twisted my mind to where I thought he was right and I was wrong. That his drinking wasn't a problem. That I was imagining being abused and raped. That I deserved it. And I was afraid that he would come after me, find me, and kill me if I left.

So when he threatened to kill me anyway I figured it couldn't get any worse if I left so I did.

Whenever anyone asks this question, I feel an accusation. I feel what is not said is "How can you be so stupid that you stay?"

I thought that way myself before I got involved with a master manipulator, narcissist, and alcoholic. I was incredibly strong and independent and I would never have thought anyone could break me down.

But he did.

And I no longer have any judgment for people who are stuck in abusive relationships. I know exactly how hard it is to get out. Hard -- but never impossible.

LoveMeNow

I stayed for 3 very simple yet extremely complicated words.

Fear, obligation and guilt. (FOG). By the time I realized what the truth was I was already so confused, depressed with lots of self doubt. My financial situation became very scary as well.

Also, my husband threw in the recovery card. He was going to get clean and work a strong recovery. I filled with hope that my fantasy world would become my reality. Still hoping, I guess!!

aasharon90

I was in a 25 yr. marriage with 2 wonderful
children whom are now responsible young
adults on their own. It was I in the marriage
and the only one working and living a recovery
program as the others saw no need for recovery.

It was I who wanted out due to the lack
of understanding and communication in
that family unit.

The 25 yr. marriage eventually ended
peacefully and we all moved on in other
areas of our life.

Today, im remarried 4 yrs now
continueing to live a healthy, happy,
honest recovery life built upon steps
and principles set down for us to live
each day.

Life is good.

Walkaboutout

I have stayed because I loved her. For me, the separation point is recent and new, and just happened. I kept hoping it would get better. That the latest bad incident would be the one that created a turn around. I mean, so often I could SEE the woman she is, just there underneath the surface, and I would think I could reach out and get her.

But in the end, I've begun to realize that, for me in our situation, seeing her underneath it all in those glimpses...I have about as much chance of reaching her and pulling her out from under the water as I do when I reach toward a star. It seems like that star is right there to be touched sometimes, but the truth is, it's unfathomably far away.

The sad part, I guess, is if that star decided to come to you, it could, with some effort (I originally said ease, but that's not true at all of course). Everyone's situation is different, but that's sort of where things have landed for me, and the way I've been thinking about it lately. For what it's worth...

healthyagain

Probably because he is not "that bad," because he is a "functioning alcoholic," because he has his good sides and does have a heart (although the brain went bye bye).

PippiLngstockng

I stayed because when things really started getting out of hand with AH, I was pregnant with our fourth child, had a 3, 6 and 9 year old and no where else to go. I spent years avoiding AH and then subconsciously started working on an escape plan.

Then AH fell apart even further and got crazy/violent and I went to the police and got him out for good. My escape plan was not well conceived, but I at least had an alternative place to live established.

Many of my worries about what would happen have come true and it's been actually quite a lot worse than my fears:

- he lied to everyone involved in our marriage, convincing tons of folks that the marital breakdown is all my fault;

- he has managed to withhold healthcare insurance from us for the past year;

- the children and I are living on a third of what we had to spend before the separation;

- he has moved on from primarily abusing me to now abusing the children;

- AH has been destroying our family home so that its value has been reduced by a third in one year

- AH's manipulations and withholding of information and lies in court have led to a very costly divorce which isn't over yet;

- unsupervised court-ordered visits have allowed some traumatizing events where the children have had no protection from AH

So why do people stay? That's why.

P.S. It was still worth it to leave.