Florence

^^^ This. I was pregnant with my second child and getting used to the idea of being a single parent. But getting used to the idea was not the same as putting the logistics of that plan in order.

It also takes a long time to develop the escape plan.

Yes, this too. Also hope. He was pretending to go through recovery, and this was someone I loved once. I had to give it a chance. It was devastating to imagine leaving someone I loved who appeared to be in serious crisis. It took a lot of time and education to rewire me to see the reality of this person I loved, who was using me, hoovering me of my resources, and wasn't particularly sorry once he was gone.

getthere

I stayed because I loved him
I booked holidays/hotel breaks etc for us,i sorted relationship counselling,which we went to,i researched swimming lessons and other things for us both to do together.nothing worked.
I ended it because I was sick of the lies,sick of finding empty bottles everywhere,sick of looking at him drunk and behaviour that came with it,sick of my daughter hibernating in her room,sick of been sooooooooo lonely in a relationship,and because I had to love myself.only two weeks since it ended,but I don't feel half as lonely now,yes I think of him a lot,yes I cry,(his birthday today)but I can also relax in my home,and I will not regret my decision.

Charmed3

My primary reasons were because I loved him and really wanted to stand by the vows I took. It's hard to let go of 15 years with someone and just walk away.

Secondary came the finances, the humiliation of people finding out we didn't have the perfect life everyone thought, fear that he was the person meant for me and I needed to be patient (because at one time he was). So many things said in the previous posts are the same reason I stayed.

The power of alcohol became too much and too many bad, horrible things happened for me to continue on with the man I once loved so much. I left in fear not only for my sanity but also for my safety. I left when I realized his addiction was changing ME and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it.

I am happy for those who are able to detach and live with their A, I wanted to and wish I could have, I still feel guilt and remorse and sometimes, wish I could turn back the clock, try something different. But coming here makes me realize, I did my best.

I don't look at myself as weak for leaving, I look at myself as leaving because his addiction began to take too big of a toll on me and weakened me to the point where I just had no more strength to hold us together when he was tearing us apart.

Redheadsusie

I thought he would get better - I thought he would see I was worth stopping for........ I thought nobody else would want me .......I am afraid to be alone.........so being with him was better than nothing..I made a commitment and was going to stick to it. He is gone now- 2 weeks- about 7th time- this time is for good. He lied one to many time and made one to may promises. House is quite - I am not cussed at - I felt lonelier when he was here honestly ... I am moving forward getting counseling and excited about healing myself and being happy!

isitme

So many of these things are true for me. The first time I was going to leave I was pregnant.

Then I'm always waiting for that "big" thing. The thing I can't look away from. Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me or that I would find proof. I used to think if I just got mad enough I would do it. Somewhere along the way someone told me, if you still have anger that is a very powerful passionate feeling. Love and Anger are equally as strong, it's when you don't care anymore that you'll actually have the power to leave. I believe this to be true now. I see it. I'm made it to that point, of not caring, but now the FOG is still there.

I still feel, like for some reason it's not right for me to leave. To uproot the kids, and throw everything out of whack when it's not "that bad" (So back to number 1) I do feel it's inevitable at this point. We've grown apart an I don't think that spark, that true love will ever come back. I guess I just don't know how to say it, I just keep going through the motions.

grizz

This is a good thread and has got me thinking. For me as well I am waiting for that one big incident that is going to cause me to walk. When she is on a drunken rant I am thinking to myself...Ok this is that one big thing...its going to be ok for me to walk...because people would understand why I did. But then I think, well I can't this time because it is too close to the Holidays and I don't want the kids to associate the Holidays with their parents splitting. Or its too close to one of the kids birthday....and so the thinking continues. But as the rants get closer together and worse, I think someday it will happen.

grizz

Spinner-007

Main reason for me is my Faith in Christ. I was ALL ready to submit the paperwork last january to the courthouse and my pastor asked me some hard questions the night before, the main one is 'do I want to divorce?'

At that moment, I didn't. Now, my conviction has waned.

Ruby2

I am grateful this thread is here and for all the posts. My two cents to this is that I stayed because of the kids, I already had one divorce under my belt and I had hope that our finances would turn around and he would start contributing.

Lately? Can't stand to look at him, don't want him around. He is getting worse and the kids are old enough to really see what is going on and hear what is going on. Rapidly diminishing returns. Almost non existent. Oh, he did a load of laundry today. He keeps telling me (really, trying to convince himself) that he will pull it together. Soon. He has been saying that everyday now for months. Just like he tells me every night that this will be his last night using.

amy55

I had enough of everything, and was leaving in 2000. Then diagnosed with cancer. Stayed, he was terrific during this time. Thought that was his bottom. It wasn't. As soon as I started feeling better he upped his abuse to a level I didn't know how to deal with anymore. I became paralyzed. Developed PTSD. I still didn't know what I was going through till 2004. It then took me stll another 4 years to build myself up again to be able to leave.

Why I stayed, I thought my children needed both parents. My children were shy and they finally became adapted to the children around them and the school. They were both excelling in school. I didn't want to move them to another school. They would be going to college soon.

My mind was just too messed up at that point to understand anything.

Ruby2

Sadly, there are very few good times anymore. Last night was one. He was playing nicely with the kids. Tonight? An angry, scary alcohol and crack addled lunatic. And even last night, on a "good" night, he was scary. Our 5 year old daughter constantly interrupts at the table. AH, sober at the time, grew angry and pounded the top of the table and yelled. Daughters fork flew off the table to the floor.

She crawled under the table and started crying hysterically. Our 8 year old son sat there, tears rolling down his little face. AH flies out of the room to leave me to soothe the kids.

Ourtown

Thank you all so much for replying in this thread. I read every reply and I appreciate your input.

I guess I'll answer too. I stay because I love him, because I feel like there are still good times. I stay because I'm terrified of being alone. I'm afraid no one else will want/love me. I'm absolutely paralyzed with fear at the thought of making a wrong move and regretting my decision (although that goes for both staying and leaving) I stay because he's all I've known for 7 years, because I feel like when he isn't drinking he is such an amazing match for me. I stay because I feel like leaving someone because they're majorly depressed is selfish.

It's nice to read some people who have come out the other end because right now, I can't imagine leaving him. Thank you all again.

Quish16

I stay because I have nowhere else to go! I also will not leave my cats. But AH is 74 and I do worry about how long he has left. He had a hematoma back in July......it is very complex and I can relate to a lot of the previous posters comments. Finances and my cats do come into it, but it is also a sense of duty too and compassion. I honestly think that eventually alcoholism stops being a 'lifestyle choice' and becomes an illness. My AH thinks if he stops drinking it may well be too late, and sadly I do feel he may be right. He has cut down but half a litre a vodka a day with the medications he is taking is still a huge worry. I dread getting up most mornings - not knowing if I am going to find him alive or not! I don't feel anyone should judge us for staying.......those of us who do have a variety of complex and valid reasons. I am 51 so yes, it would he hard but I could start again.

Hammer

Anymore, I shut the rants down HARD.

Not doing that crap to me.

Not doing that crap in front of or to the kids.

hopeful4

Quish...I just want to say that I don't think anyone on here judges anyone else...if they stay or if they go. I come here for support in what I am dealing with in my own life, for courage to be me. I don't need someone to tell me to stay or go, I just need to hear from other people who can relate. I also want to pay it forward. I know other people come here for the same reasons I do and if I can help even one person through this maize we call a life that is what I want to do. I will never judge anyone for anything except for one thing..allowing their children to be abused, and that certainly does not apply to you.

I hear you. I understand what you are saying and promise to never judge you!

Hugs.

wanttobehealthy

But if you're there w her and the rants start which you the shut down, there's already surely been a lot of tension leading up to it and that stuff that's less tangible does impact you anymore importantly your kids, doesn't it?

Quish16

Thanks Hopeful4 - I didn't mean that people on this site judged but I have found people like my doctor do - he told me to leave! It is always so easy to give advice but unless you have been in our situation, how can they understand the ambivalence and practical problems.
I don't know your situation but wishing you well to cope with it. Like you, I just want to get and hopefully give support to people living with, and loving an alcoholic.

BoxinRotz

I stay because the real non alcoholic man deep within him is a very loving, quiet man which I needed in my life after my 1st divorce. I finally became myself for the first time around a man because I felt safe enoughto be my own self. We are best friends. I can tell him anything without him judging me or calling me a freak!

He's funny. Not just ha ha but ROTFLMAO. he's always been that way to me. He's compassionate. A fabulous cuddler and always holds my hand when we go out even if he doesn't open my door. His arms, well, they were made for me! Never have I laid in them and felt that I have better things to do. I always tell him it's the best place to be. He's an amazing lover and I'll leave it at that. Good things have happened since his accident.

We are financially fit when life is on track. We don't need for anything.

Yes, his alcoholism pulls the curtains down. But when I remove myself visually, I find myself missing an amazing man I've been blessed to know considering his lifetime illness with alcohol. Yes, he's frail in a well built body but he's human and he's accepted me for who I am and all my imperfections. I love Jimmy for who he is and with that said, I won't put up with him abusing me and our marriage like he did because he felt he could handle it. He knows he made a horrible mistake and let alcohol consume him once again. Some day, he will get it right and with the way things are right now, he's on the road to recovery. One day at a time...

We've certainly been blessed on our way to Hell and back.

hopeful4

Quish, I do know what you mean. It is so easy to be in someone else's shoes and judge and say "You should leave." Unfortunately, it is not that person who will be making all the change, and let's face it, change is hard. Even if the outcome will be better in the end (and it's not always) it's still hard work and alot of pain getting there.

I feel lucky that I have family that understand why I have not left, but believe me, i've had tons of others tell me to go. I cannot control their mouths and behavior anymore than I can control my AH's behaviors and what he says. So I control how I react to it. I usto feel shame in discussing it all. I don't feel that anymore, he should feel the shame, not me. This lets me open up alot more and explain things a little easier. Sometimes I just say "Thanks for the advise" and move on. I don't let it bother me anymore. Thankfully I have SR for when I do truly need advise or a healing hand from people who walk the same walk as me and do really get it.

Hugs and Many Blessings to you! Thank you for the input and for understanding!

okgma

I stayed because it was obvious to myself, family, and friends that if I left him he would crawl inside a bottle and never come out. I would not be able to live with that guilt.

Hammer

Did not say that was perfect. Just is Major, Major Progress. And you know we work towards Progress, Not Perfection. Towards your question -- the run-up is Very Quick. Like a storm on the Ocean. In-house, we call it the Hurricane, and while we may some prediction capacity, preparation is the safest response.

The "Emotional Dysregulation" Rants are just intolerable and across the "boundaries."

By now you know the drill, right?

1. Awareness, Acknowledge, Acceptance. My Acceptance is that Mrs. Hammer has a Long Term Mental Illness which plays out in Behaviors as a Dry Drunk (and/or on-and-off Addict).

And there is Triple C. I do not Cause, Control, nor Cure that.

2. Detachment. Or Distance. Keeping the Crazy Stuff a safe distance away.

3. Boundaries. A Hard Fence. Not doing that crap, here. Not doing that crap, now.

If she were to continue, I would "smile and dial" 9-11.

We are not putting up with her Temper Tantrums in the household.

Overall, no one likes it, and I am looking at shutting things down.