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Is this what I'm dealing with?

Old 11-19-2013, 10:10 AM
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Is this what I'm dealing with?

My husband has a high-stress job. We have three children. We live a fast-paced life and move often.
My husband is also the son of a raging alcoholic and the grandson of a recovering alcoholic.
He and I have been having a lot of arguments lately- I thought I had done something wrong and he let me believe that. He started leaving the house when we would get in fights, said he needed "time to straighten things out in his head" He'd go camping for the night.
These nights away from home became more frequent and then they stopped after awhile. Then we would start arguing again because when he was here, he still wasn't here. He was like a zombie- this man that wanted to do nothing, go nowhere, not have friends, not doing anything social.
I noticed how quickly he was going through cases of beer. How he would take down a six pack a night, sometimes every night of the week. He got angry if I said anything about it. Eventually we decided to separate for awhile, to give each other space to see what we wanted to do about our marriage.
Now when he comes home, he's only here for a few hours at a time before he gets anxious to run out the door again. I know he's not cheating- and it's not because I'm blind or dumb. When he is home for the weekend, he goes through a 1.75 liter bottle of Bacardi in two days.
He's a big guy and I never see him visibly get drunk from the drinking. But I see him put down so much alcohol. And I am not a big drinker myself, I like flavored stuff, hard cider to beer- and when he's desperate for a drink and his stuff is gone, I find empty bottles of the things I have for myself. I have found empty vodka bottles hidden in the garage- he tried to tell me it was from family visiting. But then I also found some in the trunk of his car.
I'm so worried about him- ad when I told him that he got angry, said that he was fine, not to worry.
I don't want to push an issue if there isn't one...but please tell me- is there one?
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:17 AM
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Do you think there is an issue?

It sounds to me like you do. And it sounds to me like there is.

Your post reads a lot like what I think my first ones sounded like. Trying to explain my then H's behavior (stressful job, family history, minimizing the obvious alcoholic behavior) and wanted desperately to come here and have someone tell me he isn't an alcoholic, that there was a simple solution etc...

4+ years later I am in the middle of a divorce... The behavior that brought me here was the same as yours... Blaming me, avoiding being home, finding bottles, his agitation with me and I really wanted to believe there was something going on other than the obvious.

Sounds to me like your H is an alcoholic... He leaves because he wants to drink, he blames you for why he leaves so that he can feel justified to drink (otherwise he would have to say to himself "Im ditching my wife and kids to go get drunk" so of course he will blame you). He gets mad if you DARE to address the topic of his drinking (somewhere here there is a list of traits of alcoholics and among those is "does he/she get angry when the topic of their drinking is brought up?").

I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here-- it's a great site and supportive and while my story ended not how I wanted (I desperately wanted to have the happy family life I thought I would have when I married him) I am writing a new story and this one involves my kids and I being healthy, safe and happy and that's only possible in my case with my AH nowhere near me.

Please post often and know you are cared for. What you are experiencing is familiar to many of us....

Originally Posted by lovefirstalways View Post
My husband has a high-stress job. We have three children. We live a fast-paced life and move often.
My husband is also the son of a raging alcoholic and the grandson of a recovering alcoholic.
He and I have been having a lot of arguments lately- I thought I had done something wrong and he let me believe that. He started leaving the house when we would get in fights, said he needed "time to straighten things out in his head" He'd go camping for the night.
These nights away from home became more frequent and then they stopped after awhile. Then we would start arguing again because when he was here, he still wasn't here. He was like a zombie- this man that wanted to do nothing, go nowhere, not have friends, not doing anything social.
I noticed how quickly he was going through cases of beer. How he would take down a six pack a night, sometimes every night of the week. He got angry if I said anything about it. Eventually we decided to separate for awhile, to give each other space to see what we wanted to do about our marriage.
Now when he comes home, he's only here for a few hours at a time before he gets anxious to run out the door again. I know he's not cheating- and it's not because I'm blind or dumb. When he is home for the weekend, he goes through a 1.75 liter bottle of Bacardi in two days.
He's a big guy and I never see him visibly get drunk from the drinking. But I see him put down so much alcohol. And I am not a big drinker myself, I like flavored stuff, hard cider to beer- and when he's desperate for a drink and his stuff is gone, I find empty bottles of the things I have for myself. I have found empty vodka bottles hidden in the garage- he tried to tell me it was from family visiting. But then I also found some in the trunk of his car.
I'm so worried about him- ad when I told him that he got angry, said that he was fine, not to worry.
I don't want to push an issue if there isn't one...but please tell me- is there one?
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by lovefirstalways View Post
I know he's not cheating- and it's not because I'm blind or dumb. When he is home for the weekend, he goes through a 1.75 liter bottle of Bacardi in two days.
Having been in a prior non-married relationship that ended because I caught him cheating, it took me a while to realize that even though the man I married could be trusted to not actually have sex with another woman - he was in another way cheating on me. He was cheating with alcohol and porn.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:25 AM
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Yes, there is an issue. You cannot control the issue, only he can do that. Get yourself to Alanon or to Celebrate Recovery to work on you and how YOU deal with all of this. If he is saying "i'm fine" he is not even to the step of admitting he has a problem, so don't expect any action from him.

Keep reading here. Read all the stickies at the top of the forum. Keep posting, you are not alone in any of this.

Hugs!
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:31 AM
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Yes, I'm finally starting to see that there is a real issue. It worries me because if anyone found out, it would end his career. He's in the military and they are so big on acting like they tolerate it and will help, but what they do is punish them.
I am to the point where I realize that being without him will be difficult- we've been married for a long time and have known each other since we were teenagers. He's a good dad when he's around. But I can't deal with his personality change- he doesn't care about ANYTHING that he used to and the more I read about alcoholism and addiction the more I am starting to see that those things are what he cares about, those are the loves in his life right now. He's been under a lot of pressure in the last year- war, we lost my dad, a new work environment. I'm not trying to make excuses, just giving some background info. He isn't taking any of those things well. I have always been the backbone, strong, independent one in our relationship- and he lost his mind when he saw me struggle through my dad's unexpected passing.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:42 AM
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Sorry you are going through this but it sounds like my alcoholic husband. The son and grandson of raging alcoholics.

Picking fights for excuses to get out of the house. Even when there is no fight, getting anxious and running out the door at the drop of a hat. Turning on you if you mention your concerns about alcohol. Even when physically present is not all there. Zombified. Camping by himself. My husband did that.

Finding alcohol bottles around the house. It is an issue from what I see. I am dealing with this myself. I have no words to say other than you are not alone. Stick around for support. This is a good place.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:47 AM
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It took me a while to realize that he always had excuses for why he drank/relapsed. And it was always because of something that happened or something someone else did. But really we all have problems and how we deal with them is what matters. If everyone turned to alcohol every time there was a problem the whole world would be drunk!

In the last few days before I left, he went on a tangent and told me that he only used those other issues/people as the excuse he gave to me for his drinking but now wanted me to know that our entire marriage - I was the reason he drank and overdosed on pills and as soon as I was out of his life he was going to stop drinking.

Well - its been 8-1/2 weeks and not only is he still drinking, he is escalating out of control.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:50 AM
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My AH was an officer in an elite military unit (22 years served, now retired). I could have written your post. It is what happened in our house.

I cannot go into detail on this board (maybe PM if you want), but my husband is now in recovery. He picks up 3 years next month. Your dh is in a very bad place right now, if it is anything like what happened here (bottles hidden, time away from the house, strange behavior...). We (the spouses) usually only know/find the tip of the iceberg.

I would call about or go online and find an al-anon meeting. Also, read the stickies on this board. They are very helpful. There is much support here.

(yes, I am AA but also the other side, as I am married to one, too)
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:54 AM
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Keep in mind, it is baby steps. You do not have to make decisions right this second. You cannot protect him from losing his job or anything that is a result of HIS actions. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

That being said, go visit an attorney if you are in that line of thinking. I did so a couple weeks ago and it made me feel so much better and alot more in control of things than I thought I was/am. Make a plan for YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN. His plan is to continue to drink. I understand he is under pressure. This shows you how he reacts under pressure. My AH lost both his parents 3 weeks apart last year, today is the 1 year anniversary for the dad. Along with other various issues. Because I know his drinking patterns well enough, I knew this would be a difficult time. The thing is, there will always be stress. There will always be death and stress in our lives, it is reality. They have to learn to deal with that stress WITHOUT drinking. My AH knows this, he just chooses not to do it b/c he likes the way it makes him feel, numb to it all I think.

That being said, I have stress too and I am not out doing things that will risk my life, OR THE WELL BEING OF MY CHILDREN. I have always put my children first and always will. No matter what decision I am making I am thinking of them first and how it will affect their lives. When we have kids that is how it should be. we are their caretakers in life until they are adults. Obviously drinking and acting a fool is not for the good of them or anyone.

Good luck to you in all of this!
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by lovefirstalways View Post
He's been under a lot of pressure in the last year- war, we lost my dad, a new work environment. I'm not trying to make excuses, just giving some background info. He isn't taking any of those things well. I have always been the backbone, strong, independent one in our relationship- and he lost his mind when he saw me struggle through my dad's unexpected passing.
I am so sorry you lost your dad.

Do you realize that your H appears to have made YOUR dad's death about HIM???? That's not normal. It was YOUR dad-- youre the one who should have been allowed to take it hard and have your H to lean on... Instead it sounds like he took it hard and you comforted him. That angers me for you.

Alcoholics are self centered and from the sounds of it even a death of YOUR father was made to be about your H's dealing with it. I'm so sorry.

You've been under a lot of pressure too... Not just your H has.... Whether he is under pressure or not is not why he drinks. It's his excuse for why he drinks. And a BS one at that.

In fact you sound like you are living in a pressure cooker. But are you being a jerk or irresponsible or drinking? No. You are a mom, a wife, a friend and you are a grown up who is responsible. Alcoholics seem to be the most childlike irresponsible people on this planet... And they convince us that they are right to be irresponsible and stressed and drunk bc of their stress when the reality is that the rest of the world sucks it up and deals. The rules are different for them though.

Don't protect AH's career (them knowing and him having to face natural consequences would probably be good for him and if he keeps drinking like he is he will get caught I bet)
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:13 AM
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My AH (alcoholic husband I guess??) was very close to my dad and yet, once the funeral was over, he just quit thinking I needed support. I found my father on the bathroom floor following a second, fatal heart attack- I was alone in his house with him and my three young children while my husband had already left to find us a house at our new duty station. It was seriously a nightmare. And now that I think about it- you are right- it ISN'T about him. I have begun counseling recently and she is helping me to see that I need to process my own issues before I deal with my husband's. I have ten times the pressure that he does right now- and I am floored by his selfishness. I know a few avenues to pursue as far as possibly seeking some help that wouldn't harm his career.
I am so glad I found this place.
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:21 AM
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If I could hug you through the computer I would.

OMG, you found your dad (again I don't care how close your H was with him and neither should he-- he was YOUR dad-- your H should have been there for YOU) and had your kids there with you and yet your H could not be bothered to be of comfort once the funeral was over?????

My xAH, who I had married 3 months earlier, acted almost the same when my grandmother died. My grandmother was more of a mother to me than my own mom is and on the day she died xAH INSISTED we stop so he could get a drill at home depot before we went to see her. She was DYING and I was in hysterics about wanting to see her before she passed and he didn't care.

I got a call at home depot that she had died. I didn't get to say goodbye. And AH was all tears as if he'd really loved her until the second the funeral was over and then when the audience was gone he didn't care...

So I guess I feel for you especially so bc I had a similar experience.... I am angry at your H for you bc of how he treated you and your dad's passing...

I'm so sorry....

You and your kids deserve SO much more... And it sounds to me like your counselor would be wise to see that your issues are directly related to your H's alcoholism.... I had to go to a few Therapists before I found someone who knew anything about addiction and seeing someone who "got it" really helped a lot....

Originally Posted by lovefirstalways View Post
My AH (alcoholic husband I guess??) was very close to my dad and yet, once the funeral was over, he just quit thinking I needed support. I found my father on the bathroom floor following a second, fatal heart attack- I was alone in his house with him and my three young children while my husband had already left to find us a house at our new duty station. It was seriously a nightmare. And now that I think about it- you are right- it ISN'T about him. I have begun counseling recently and she is helping me to see that I need to process my own issues before I deal with my husband's. I have ten times the pressure that he does right now- and I am floored by his selfishness. I know a few avenues to pursue as far as possibly seeking some help that wouldn't harm his career.
I am so glad I found this place.
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:27 AM
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It's hard!!! I'm going through something similar and I've gone through other similar types of things. Most importantly we have to take care of OUR needs first then address theirs. Good Luck!!!!
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