Gal220

I thought about putting this in the "Parenting and Relationships in Sobriety" section, but since it's so AA specific I thought I'd put it here.

My husband (also in recovery) and I have a one year old daughter. A few months ago she was ok at meetings because she was pretty quiet and stayed in her car seat. But now it's really difficult to keep her quiet and contained. So I've stopped taking her. I know I COULD take her, and I would if I really needed a meeting. But it's actually more of a distraction for me having to watch her. So I don't. But my sponsor is always telling me I need to bring her.

(By the way, I'm redoing 90 in 90, so have been making a meeting a day for a couple of months now, just at night after the baby's in bed and hubby's at home with her. This has been really difficult on our relationship as it's the only time we have together, but I know it's only temporary.)

So I guess I have two questions. First, is it really bothersome for people when very small kids are there; is it appropriate to have a toddler at a meeting?

And second, what has your experience been in raising kids in AA (assuming of course you've done so)? I just don't know if it's good for her to hear all the war-stories. If you did take your kids to meetings with you, did you share in front of them? Did you talk about the meetings afterwards with them?

I know it's not something I can control, but I'm pretty terrified of my daughter becoming an alcoholic or drug addict, especially with two alcoholic/addict parents. I just want to give her a shot at a normal life, whatever that is.

Taking5

I never had a kid at a meeting personally, but one of the groups I attend has them there often. One of the sevice positions for the women is to un the "nursery" as it were, so the rest of the moms could focus on the meeting. Needless to say this is a very mom and kid friendly meeting.

Veritas1

A child doesn't need to hear what is said at AA.

Shelter the child.

A child doesn't need to shoulder our burdens.

We have warped them enough when we were drinking.

I made the mistake of showing my child intervention, and then drank again.

How do you think it would make a child feel to tell them you can't drink and then drink in front of them again?

Work on you and let the child be free of it.

Back to meetings...

I have been at meetings where people are cursing with a child in the room.

I don't think AA meetings are any place for a child.

Gal220

Just to be clear, I am not struggling in early recovery and my child has never seen either my husband or myself drink. We've both been sober five years and she's only a year old. Most people I ask at meetings, including my sponsor, encourage me to bring her. But I thought I'd ask here too and see what you all thought. The language is one thing that concerns me.

Db1105

I can understand a newcomer single parent bringing an infant or child to a meeting if they can't get a babysitter and need a meeting. Otherwise, a child in a meeting is unfair to the child and unfair to the other members attending the meeting.

Taking5

I am totally with Veritas. In the meeting I mentioned, the children were watched over in another room for an hour so mom (or dad) could attend the meeting. Children should never go to a meeting, JMHO. After they are teen aged I have no problems with them going to open meetings.

Lily

I used to bring my son all the time. I started when he was 3 till about 5. I used to bring his DVD player when he was 4 to 5 and his ear buds...when he was younger, colors. My husband works second shift and my sponsor said it was fine. Only open meetings mind you and I was able to keep him quiet. Noone seemed to mind. It was nice how people really did guard their mouths and didn't cus with him there.

I don't bring him any more. I see your concern not wanting your kid to become an alcoholic or addict. I know there have been studies done proving the genetic component, however I tend to have a differen theory.

This is mine. I am raising my kids in a way they have a voice. (I never really did and was made to feel shamed a lot) I am raising my kids w/out control or manipulation. (I was raised in a household with a lot of control and manipulation) I am raising my kids to be 100% honest in all their affairs and if I think there is a lie going on, I call them on it. However, if my kid tells me he is being truthful, I believe him. (I was raised with a parent who always told stupid lies and also NEVER believed me and was very accusatory)

I think that the whole addict alcoholic has so much to do w/ how they are raised. I really LOVE my boys. (I do things differently than my parents do...we either become like them or we use their example of what NOT to do) I have one who is 24 and doesn't drink or drug, he knows of my alcoholic/addict past as he lived with me at rehab as a young boy, he and even goes as far as not speaking to people who drink or use. (he has no tolerance) That is where he is at. He does however have overeating tendencies, (I have too and am now in recovery for that...lol ) My other son is only 9, so time will tell. He doesn't walk around shy or ashamed like I did though, so that is a good sign!

Blessings to you!! Lily

sugarbear1

We've had children at meetings and people are mindful that they are there, it's about how the steps work, not stuff we need to talk with a sponsor or network about, so we keep the talk about that.

I've helped watch kids so the parents could focus on the meeting and everyone seems to enjoy interacting with the child. It's amazing to see a higher power at work during a meeting and most children are pretty quiet for that hour.

LexieCat

I've never had a problem with a parent bringing a child to an AA meeting, so long as the child is not running around or otherwise disruptive. If they become restless, the parent should take them outside so it doesn't bother others.

At one of my groups we decided, as part of our group conscience, to add something to the opening asking all who share to be considerate of others in their language.

I don't think hearing the stories (most of them, anyway) are going to traumatize a child. It's sort of like taking kids to certain movies--if the theme might be at all disturbing it's important to talk about it so they understand at a level they are capable of understanding.

If parents are in AA, kids are going to be exposed to a certain amount of truth about alcoholism. That can be a very good and healthy thing--for them to learn that alcohol can make someone very sick, that mom or dad got sick from it but then they got well by going to meetings (as we know, it's more than just meetings but as they get older you can fill in more detail), and they also go to meetings to help other people get well like they did. Good messages to instill early on.

My own kids are now in their 20s. They know their dad and I are both in AA, which they both still find a little "weird" but they understand it's important for us. Their Dad has taken some of their friends who were getting into some bad places with the drinking to meetings and helped them. They appreciate that.

Both are statistically at risk for alcoholism at some point in their lives. I haven't seen any huge red flags yet (though I do have more concern for one of them), but I hope we have set the example of recovery for them and that they may face it sooner, and with more willingness, if it ever comes to that.

Tommyh

my wife attended Alanon and I attended AA during the week and we took our children.My son was 5 and my daughter was 6 weeks old when I got sober.The children went to the back room and stayed with the Alanons and on the weekends when we went to AA,it was speaker meetings.They learned to sit fairly still and quite.
It didn`t hurt them or the group because there was other kids there and they was behaving themselves.We never left the kids unattended,there was always a parent with them.

When our children was teenagers,we all applied a few principles of AA/Alanon to our family and they worked great for us all.

Our children are now grown and my son has a daughter of his own.AA has influenced them all for the best and my son still asks about some of our old AA friends.My only few problems i see with children in meetings are when they disturb the meeting and parents who bring them and let them run loose,apparently expecting the group to babysit them.
Also,a word of caution.
Always know where your kids are and who is with them.Make sure you highly approve of them.Sometimes some folks come to AA who may harm a kid if given a chance.

Gal220

Wow, I never imagined there would be so many people who believe it would be damaging to my child to take her to AA! I'm glad I asked!

Maybe it's a regional thing, but everyone I know in AA who has kids has always advocated bringing them, that it can only help them. We have kids at our meetings a lot (more so at noon and on weekends than in the evening or early morning), and it's not just because people can't get a sitter. People bring them on purpose. I guess our open meetings are similar to others that people have mentioned in that most people are respectful with the use of language (obviously, there are exceptions!). And our meetings are about the Big Book and the steps, and most people stay on topic and are positive and constructive when sharing their experience, strength, and hope (again, obviously there are exceptions!). We do get the odd emotional outbursts, but most of our meetings are pretty tame. And I would never take her and share something that's very raw or if I was in crisis. I've heard similar advice like Lexie and Tommy presented; that it can open the door for discussion and that AA principles are great to apply to family life.

And I totally agree about the disruptions. That's why I haven't been taking her lately, since she's starting to become more independent (for those of you without experience with toddlers, that means she is very mobile, very loud, and very unpredictable!). So even though everyone assures me it's fine and that they love to see kids at meetings, if it's distracting for me I think it must be distracting for others. None of our many, many meetings have any sort of nursery or child care, so until she's older and less disruptive, I've got to hit meetings when my husband can watch her. So unfortunately that means no meetings together.

But I still don't know if I will take her when she's older. I'm even more conflicted now! I thought I was the only one who had misgivings since everyone always tells me to bring her. So at least I know I'm not crazy in that respect! But I guess I have a couple more years at least to decide. I'm also guessing my husband will have an opinion on the issue, lol! He actually wants to take her.

If anyone else has any experience or opinions, I'd love to hear them!

paul99

I have no problems with kids at meetings. I've seen mothers nursing babies, I've seen 2 and 3 years olds, my home group has a 10 yrs old who comes with him mom and he plays video games in the back. Language is respectful and as long as the kids aren't fussing too much, no one else seems to mind.

All the kids I've seen there have the same expression they have when you take them to the bank or to the grocery store - boredom and that they'd rather be somewhere else. I don't think they would fully understand the stories, and if they have questions, it's something that would be up to the parents' discretion to tell in an age-appropriate way. There are times I have thought about taking my 3 yr old, but the only reason I don't is that he doesn't have the greatest attentions span (what 3 yr old does, actually?) and I wouldn't want him to disrupt the meeting. My 5 yr old would probably be fine, as long as I bring some cars for him to play with. It really depends on the group, size, etc.

I don't see it as a traumatizing thing.

Better than taking them to a bar.

Ananda

My son was 5 when I became a "member" of ''''''''AA"

It is important to let your children kow you are in recovery....but...they do it at the level of development they aare at. I'm not big on bringing kids under 12 to 15 to meetings. sometimes it's the only wya to get meetings...so it has to hapen. We cannot make it "OK" because we are in recovry... It is about looking at what your child is at. Work this through with other moms and dads who have raised kids when they are in AA. But it's not about you...it's about them. My sone hated AA when he was 5 and got sober the first time...it took me away from him...in his 20s he was glad i went to treatment...it's a complex situation. Yes honesty is important, but it's not about makng us "look good" or tryig to cotroll the child. It's about he right thing to do. In the end, my son realized something had to be done about my alchoholism.... But at 5 years of age all he knew was mom was gone...to meetings .... and he has amadonment issues...at his 20j's he knew it was what had to happen....at 33, he's confused....

You can't make your child happy, you can't insure sobriety....you just do what you can to help them. I never took my son to meetings. I was lucky to have a mom who could babysit. When I didn't have her available we had babysitter's for some meetings. AA should be reflection of your life they see...meetings can be way over the top for a kid...yet moms and dads have to go to meetings...talke to your home group...arrange for "babysitting...Generally you will find volenteers to watch your kids while you attend a meeting if the group is committed to providing the best possible solution to allow you to recover.

I never took my son to meetings because I had choices...if you don't ... talk to your home group and your "AA friends". At young ages all they know is my "mom/dad" deserted me for something else....sure they come around in time...but the damage is done. My son has "abbandonment issues"....lobically he gets that it's what had to happen...emotionally it is a problem. We work through it all the time.

Nands.

Music

When my wife and I got sober, we had been married for 15 years and had 3 kids, 12, 10, and 7. We went to family cousuling, and marriage counsuling. My daughter who was the youngest, went to Al-atot and when the older two, boys were old enough we took them to open AA meetngs just so they'd know what we were doing. When my daughter turned 16, we took her to a couple clubs which were owned by a friend of ours so she could see how drinking can change people. Of course, we never drank and neither did she...too young. My youngest son is in AA and also did some drugs. My older son and my daughter don't seem to have a problem. They're now 49, 47, and 42. I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would not take a well behaved child to a meeting. If they're old enought to be alone, they don't have to be in the same room so as to disturb the meeting. As far as the language goes, I don't condone profanity in meetings, but let's face it, they're going to hear worse going to public school.

Your baby is a year old. Schedule your feeding time so when you go to a meetng, the baby will be asleep. Where there's a will there's a way.

By the way, my daughter probably works a better Al-anon program than most and doesn't go to Al-anon. She went to Al-ateen and grew up with two sober parents. She knows how the program works.

sugarbear1

I've seen unruly children at meetings, too. We're addicts and alcoholics, some kids have parents who are just learning how to parent.

Sometimes it's easier to deal with unruly children than unruly adults at a meeting!

It's up to you, really as to what to do with your child/children. Just stay stopped!

Remember, meetings are to find a sponsor. No human power could relieve our alcoholism.

Have a peaceful day,

Maiasaura

This.

And definitely this!

Oh, and this

My just-turned-12yo son goes to meetings with me. He has never seen me drunk, nor will he (God willing).
I want him to know what goes on there. I want him to hear the stories. He is the child of two alkie parents, and the stats are 50% or so for him to turn out either way. He has markers of alkie behavior. I want him to know where he can go, if he needs to, when the time comes.

I find that bad language-- especially when they are younger-- is only noticed by children when people (not just in AA!) say a bad word and then instantly gasp and cover their mouth and look at the child, like "OOPS!". Because that is when little kids perk up, as in "Oooh, that is something I better pay attention to!"
When people just said the word and hushed and kept talking, more often than not, my boy didn't even notice, when he was little. Our meetings also say "Use appropriate language when sharing", but things slip out-- it's only human.
Now that he's older and well aware of bad language-- I just asked him how he is with meetings. He said he's not thrilled with the language that sometimes leaks out, but that he understands that sometimes it's part of people's tragedies and stories and it's context-appropriate and he's OK with that.
He says most of the time he's bored in meetings. He brings his Nintendo DS, which he can't use with volume (or uses ear buds). Or a book. Or plays out on the playground, now that he's old enough to be by himself.

When he was younger, he brought crayons or quiet toys or I would hear part of the meeting and go out with him for other parts, knowing at least, even if I couldn't hear the whole meeting, that my intentions for staying sober were clear, because I was at a meeting at all. Sometimes people would offer to watch him in the church nursery for a few minutes while I got to hear what was going on. I didn't get much continuity, but like I said, at least I was there.
If you didn't already get this, yes, I am a single mom. My boy is super-hihgly ADHD and very, very active and loud. But people were generally kind and understanding. If you need a meeting, you need a meeting.

If you and your DH take the child to a meeting, perhaps you can switch off so that each of you at least gets *part* of a meeting in!

I see nothing wrong with it at all. I'm all for it. But some people don't think it's OK. I say play it by ear. Thankfully, parenting and kids growing are a huge day-at-a-time, too

Maiasaura

You know what, the other thing I just thought of is, while your child is that young-- I used to always say at the beginning of the meeting that I apologize in advance if he's disruptive and I will try to keep a lid on it, but that I needed a meeting that badly People are usually forgiving and helpful..

aasharon90

I never heard of a sponsor telling someone
they need to bring their kids with them to
a meeting. Of course, for me, Im not keen
on having anyone tell me what to do. I got
enough of my mom telling me what to do
to last a lifetime.

I, for myself, did bring my little one to several
meetings in early recovery till she was ready
for pre-school and she didnt mind.

I have also been to meetings where I could
see that a mom may have needed a meeting
but was distracted by keeping an eye on her
child at the same time.

I wanted to help her so i approached her quietly
and asked her if she wouldnt mind me walking with
her little one outside in the sunshine. The meeting
had large full windows all around the room to
see the courtyard and cars passing by, so she
could see us all the time and focus on what she
needed in the meeting.

Im sure she appreciated my help and she had a
moment to relax some before resumming her
mom role.

In suggestion only without telling someone
what to do, id say bring ur little one if you
absolutely need to, and share ur meeting
experiences with ur little one in a fun way
so they always know where you are and how
important it is to them and the family.

Gal220

Thank you all for your responses! I think maybe there were some things I didn't explain well enough about my taking her to AA meetings.

We're not active alcoholics nor are we trying to get sober. Our daughter has never seen us in our addictions, and God willing she never will. We also don't spend an inordinate amount of time at AA instead of being with her. Typically I hit meetings after she's already in bed. I'm not talking about taking her because I can't find a sitter. I'm talking about taking her (when she's older and not disruptive) deliberately because "recovery" is part of our family culture.

In our area, raising kids in AA is commonplace and I've never heard of these objections before. Everyone who has had kids has recommended it as a teaching tool and also a way for kids to understand alcoholism and recovery. I've had reservations, though, which is why I asked you all! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who questions this. As much as I would like to shelter her, though, the reality is that she will need to learn about alcoholism. She will need to know that she has the potential of becoming an alcoholic if she chooses to drink. She will also need to know that people can overcome their problems.

My gut feeling/protective mother instinct of course is to shield her and hope she makes good choices. But that's probably unrealistic and also selfish. Lots of age-appropriate conversations (and maybe meetings when she's a little older) starting at a young age will be more impactful for her than just taking her a couple of times as a teenager trying to scare her into not drinking.

I really appreciate everyone's responses, especially those of you who've taken your kids to AA! Everyone's comments have given me a lot to think about. Like I said, we've got time. I tend to worry, and just want what's best for her!

I absolutely agree; it's not about me at all. That's why I'm asking, so I can figure out what's best for her. I was a little confused with your comment. Did he hate AA because you made him go with you and it was boring or because it took you away from him? Did your son have abandonment issues because you went to meetings all the time? Or because you were active in your alcoholism when he was young and then had to go to treatment?

God willing, our child won't have to deal with those things as we're not active alcoholics. Obviously I can't guarantee that neither of us will ever relapse. She'll probably complain we were too overprotective and smothering! I can be a bit anxious!

Gal220

Yeah, my sponsor can be a bit opinionated! She really pushed the issue, so I brought her to a meeting this morning. My sponsor also brought her daughter, who is 8. I spent an hour of the hour and a half meeting playing outside with my daughter because she just wanted to be free to run around and was fussing in the meeting. It was a total waste of time and effort for me to take her! (And it takes quite a bit of effort, pre-planning, and packing to take a toddler somewhere for a few hours!) My sponsor told me afterwards that she thought my daughter was behaving fine and that I overreacted. But I don't think I'll attempt it again until she's older or my husband is with us and we can take turns or something.

Your last paragraph is really what I'll be trying to accomplish when she's older.