Caldus

So I've been sober since late August of last year. I started going to AA meetings, got a sponsor, home group, the works, etc. The first few months were pretty good minus a few nights of really wanting to drink but never acting on it. Ever since about a month ago, I've just been crazy in my head and essentially trying to "find a way out" (if that makes sense) with AA and essentially go back to drinking. I'm still going to a lot of meetings including the home group ones. I got a service commitment at both home group meetings.

I'm only on step 2 with my sponsor still. It's mostly my fault for just being real slow with step work. But I'm supposed to meet with him this weekend to finally continue it. I just constantly fantasize about drinking again even though I know where it takes me. Each time I get close to relapsing, I think about all of the negative stuff with alcohol and snap myself out of it each time. But I'm just in a dangerous place in my head with this stuff lately and I need to figure out how to hit the reset button on recovery.

I got a new service commitment at a home group meeting today (we switched to a new meeting format). Then I have to give a lead tomorrow somewhere else (which I'm real nervous about). Then I might go see the new Bill W. movie on Saturday night. Then I'm going to meet with the sponsor on Sunday and watching the Superbowl with home group. All of which I don't want to do (honestly), but I guess I'm stuck with the commitments. :P I'm just so crazy in my head and spinning ... thinking thoughts like "I'm so bored ... what am I going to do if I'm so committed to this sobriety stuff now?" and questions like that in my head. I know I'm also partially doing it for my mom since she is in AA and was really concerned and hurt by my drinking.

Does this madness ever end? Will I ever get to a point where things aren't perfect, but I'm not dying to "find a way out" and get drunk again finally? Man I must sound like a real idiot right now. Sorry for that. I should be thankful I'm not hungover at work all the time anymore and that I get to keep the job too.

LadyinBC

I think these feelings are common and it is just our addiction side trying to get us to drink again. That maybe it is "okay" so to speak. We've been sober for so long hmmm maybe I am okay. I go thru it some nights or even when I wake up thinking that I really just want to buy a bottle and have at it!

I've been sober since the end of July and I actually started going to WFS meetings as well. Just so that I don't become complacent. Keep at it, this will pass.

sugarbear1

Step 2 is willingness.

Am I willing to believe or am I willing to set aside my old beliefs that a power greater than I might exist? Do I believe the steps will help?

Step 2 was a willingness for me to move forward with the steps and didn't really "come to life" until I got to step 7. That is when I "came to believe." There's a reason it's in the past tense.

Move to step 3, make the decision and get on with recovering, steps 4-9. There's time to study the steps more fully after you work them the first time. Those steps are the program of recovery.

You are leading a meeting, but you haven't worked all of those steps, what are you going to discuss, a drunkalogue? How to stay sober with meetings and service commitments without fully working all 12 steps? The meetings are supposed to be where we discuss how the steps are working in our lives. Just my take on it.

I wish you well on your sober journey!

coraltint

I think if you bear down on 2 & 3, you're going to feel a lot better. First 3 steps really work together to provide a more contented sobriety.....it's not surprising that you're getting a little squirrely. All you've done so far is admit the problem...I did that from about 100 different barstools in Chicago with a shot in front of me!! You can feel better, it's up to you!

Db1105

Meeting nor commitments get us sober. It's working the 12 steps. All 12 steps.

heath480

Sorry to hear how you are feeling Caldus.

Have you spoken with your sponsor and been honest with him about how you are feeling?

Perhaps you need to go back to Step 1,unless you have total acceptance of your Alcoholism there is no point moving on to step 2.

[QUOTE=Caldus; I know I'm also partially doing it for my mom since she is in AA and was really concerned and hurt by my drinking.

You have to want sobriety for yourself,doing it for someone else just wont work.

I wish you well and hope you continue in sobriety.

paul99

Like sugarbear said, Step 2 is a decision. You don't even have to believe...just willing to believe. Step 1 says you have no power. Step 2 says there is something out there that does. Step 3 is where we decide to put our will and our lives to that power. The chapter We Agnostics covers it all. God is or isn't. (or your perception of a Higher Power).

Dragging this out is what is getting the squirrels in your head going and going. We work the steps at a quick pace to get the relief and freedom from alcoholism for good. Having commitments and going to meetings is wonderful. But it's not enough. Don't complicate things. Get through the work and these things you're going through disappear, if you're honest and willing and open-minded.

You're on a wonderful path, and it's an amazing thing!

muvinon

My sponsor shares that if you are working with a sponsor who tells you it's OK to take the steps slowly.......RUN!

I think you're living the consequences. When I was 30 days sober, fear settled in. Someone took me aside and said, bluntly, "You're eaten up with untreated alcoholism. Get a sponsor. Get going on the steps." I am grateful that I did just that.

Sure enough, the fear began to evaporate. Even when I could see nothing but unmanagagability in my life, I could at least work on the step and move forward. The life stuff settled down finally.

It WON'T go away on its own. People aren't lying when they tell you.....you won't stay sober on just going to meetings, on hanging out in AA.

I hope you set your course and work the steps.....and deal with your alcoholism.

shaun00

[QUOTEI'm only on step 2 with my sponsor still. It's mostly my fault for just being real slow with step work.][/QUOTE]

I did the same, i believed i had plenty of time......and anyway, i do lots of service and attend lots of meetings.

For the real alcoholic i believe this is sometimes a fatal, deluded conclusion.

I ended up a year dry, and with a life and emotional state as hideous as my drinking career .

The book clearly tells us, no human power is going to relieve me of the awful mental and physical torment of alcoholism...for that year i think i was riding off the back of talk therapy....which has short term benefits imo.

I would suggest embarking on the rest of the work...even if that means missing some meetings because of time restraints....

Music

You mentioned you were on step 2. Apparently you're having a problem with the idea of a higher power. I did! The thing is, my sponsor told me to try beieving in a higher power because he did and he was sober about 8 years at the time. He also told me I should try to get out of myself so I'd be able to look around and see the work that higher power had done for others. I buried myself in AA meetings. I tried looking for similarities between myself and others instead of differences. I really tried to belong to AA because deep down I knew I was alcoholic and I didn't want to drink any more. I actually got on my knees and asked "whoever" for help just to stay sober for that day, and I thanked "whoever" at night.

You also mentioned meeting with your sponsor. Let him know, and let everyone you talk to know what you're thinking. One of the most important things I've learned is, when I'm stuck in my own head, I get bad advice.

NYCDoglvr

I went through a bad patch like this a while back. What worked was daily meetings and sharing that I wanted to drink. Actually worked very quickly.

Gal220

I was in the exact same place, but I came to this point after 5 years sober. I hadn't worked the steps, thought I was fine, then wanted to drink. Relief from that obsession has only come from working the steps. It was really difficult for me to admit to myself and the group that I was sober for so long and didn't work the steps and now wanted to drink again. But I had to be honest and then I had to get to work.

24hrsAday

i Don't know about anyone else.. but.. i really have to thank you for your Honesty. searching leads to finding. not everything that feels good is good for you and not everything that feels bad is bad for you. there are many Paradoxes in recovery. i struggled for years in and out of A.A. could i drink again? even after 6 years sober and all i've gone through to get to where i am today? Yep. but.. do i Fear it? Nope. i rarely think about it anymore. it took me a LONG time though.. i had to surrender 100% Alcohol kicked my ass. it was never the friend that i thought it was.