Caldus

So I've been sober since late August of last year. I started going to AA meetings, got a sponsor, home group, the works, etc. The first few months were pretty good minus a few nights of really wanting to drink but never acting on it. Ever since about a month ago, I've just been crazy in my head and essentially trying to "find a way out" (if that makes sense) with AA and essentially go back to drinking. I'm still going to a lot of meetings including the home group ones. I got a service commitment at both home group meetings.

I'm only on step 2 with my sponsor still. It's mostly my fault for just being real slow with step work. But I'm supposed to meet with him this weekend to finally continue it. I just constantly fantasize about drinking again even though I know where it takes me. Each time I get close to relapsing, I think about all of the negative stuff with alcohol and snap myself out of it each time. But I'm just in a dangerous place in my head with this stuff lately and I need to figure out how to hit the reset button on recovery.

I got a new service commitment at a home group meeting today (we switched to a new meeting format). Then I have to give a lead tomorrow somewhere else (which I'm real nervous about). Then I might go see the new Bill W. movie on Saturday night. Then I'm going to meet with the sponsor on Sunday and watching the Superbowl with home group. All of which I don't want to do (honestly), but I guess I'm stuck with the commitments. :P I'm just so crazy in my head and spinning ... thinking thoughts like "I'm so bored ... what am I going to do if I'm so committed to this sobriety stuff now?" and questions like that in my head. I know I'm also partially doing it for my mom since she is in AA and was really concerned and hurt by my drinking.

Does this madness ever end? Will I ever get to a point where things aren't perfect, but I'm not dying to "find a way out" and get drunk again finally? Man I must sound like a real idiot right now. Sorry for that. I should be thankful I'm not hungover at work all the time anymore and that I get to keep the job too.