RedBaron5

Are not just pieces of ****? really? I've been through the ringer, cheated on, manipulated, taken advantage of. I've detached. I'm recovering myself now. My level of care is dropping everyday. But at what point to you drop the I still love them, they are sick act. And just admit to yourself that they are pieces of ****? I'd just assume toss every addict in a trench and bulldoze over it, everyone would be better off. No matter how you slice it, or paint it, or dress it up, it ALL comes down to choices, they are making a choice everytime they hurt someone and hurt themselves. Making poor choices conveys a lack of judgement to me, and a high level of stupidity. Those characteristics are those of an un desireable person. Just a poor human being in general, a real piece of garbage if you will.

Sunshine2

I guess when it is your child and you know what they were like before drugs, you could never see them as pieces of ****. You understand that they have made bad choices and continue to make bad choices, but being human you also understand that you have made some bad choices yourself.

I haven't seen my son in a couple of months as my peace of mind is important. It does not mean that I do not love him as much as I have always loved him. It means I respect his choices for his path but also respect my own tolerance for drama.

incitingsilence

Why did allow yourself to be treated as such?

The choicesthey made are the choices they made.
The choices we made well see there is where we need to focus. Why did you tolerate, take it? What it is about you, who you are, maybe how you were raised that got you to today, left you thinking it was all normal to allow….

It is real easy to blame the addicts in our lives for where we end up within it all, as if we weren’t right there, just as sick as they were in our own right…accepting unacceptable behavior, allowing ourselves to be treated in a way that we know isn’t right…in the name of love as if love had anything to do with it.

My husband was not the cause of where I ended up. I was. My husband was not the source of chaos I would have liked to make and keep him being I was. But he sure as hell was a great distraction so I didn't have to look at me, what I was allowing myself to become just because he was an addict.

Recovery starts the day you stop making it about them and start looking at why you are as you are. The day one starts being responsible for their own choices, decisions and where they ended up. Accepting that they can’t change the past, but sure as hell can learn from it to ensure a much different future.

Seren

In October, my stepson was found by his friends wandering the streets, incoherent, and cold, and without money. His friends took him to the emergency room.

My stepson is an alcoholic and a polysubstance abuser. He has stolen from and conned friends and family and even threatened to kill 3 members of his family including his father (my husband).

I've been absolutely furious with him in the past and still do not entirely trust him--so he is not allowed in our home yet. So, I understand your anger.

During this last 'episode', his friends asked him why he drank in the mornings. He replied that he drank to make the voices in his head be quiet. His friends asked him what the voices said to him. He replied that the voices told him that he is a "worthless piece of s***".

I love my stepson. I do not let myself be dragged along on his daily drama, but I do love him, and I hope that he will learn to love himself.

Kindeyes

I understand how you might feel that way. I felt that way about my XAH but feel very differently about my son. And because of the things I have learned as a result of my son's addiction, I actually pray for my XAH now instead of nurturing those strong feelings of hate and anger that I felt toward him for so long. Those feelings were eating me up from the inside out.....and weren't doing a darn thing to him. Harboring feelings of hate, anger and resentment is like.....eating poison and then waiting for the other person to die.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

Addiction excuses nothing, including my own irrational reactions and behaviors.

Looking back, my own anger was linked to my expectation that I was powerful enough to cause someone else to make different choices and change- be the person I thought they should be. I was delusional.

Windancer

To be honest my initial reaction to this post was "how insulting" and "who are you to judge?". Ill take a step back and hope you are fed up and ranting though. Maybe please keep in mind that this is a site full of addicts, many of them wonderful people and FAR from stupid or deserving to be "tossed in a trench and bulldozed over".

I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been DEEPLY hurt by alcoholism and addiction. I have watched my brother, and mother go through addictions. I am in early recovery right now myself. None of them are stupid. And I feel that if one hasnt walked in anothers shoes than you cant possibly understand. I am not saying that people are not responsible for their actions. Of course they are. Is the nature of addiction damaging to those around us? Very VERY much so. But it is also just as damaging to ourselves and no addict that I know, if asked, would say "Yes, I want to live this way. I like hurting my loved ones". In fact, it has been thinking like "I am a piece of s*it" that contributed to the cycle continuing.

I empathize that you yourself are hurting and fed up. I really do. In my opinion though I dont think blaming everything on addicts is helpful to yourself, or others. I am sorry you have been manipulated, hurt and cheated on. Also, many "normal" people do these things as well. To be saying addicts are "pieces of sh*t" is like saying "cancer patients are like pieces of s*it". I am not undesirable, nor stupid, not a piece of garbage, nor should I be thrown in a trench and bulldozed over. And furthermore I know many people with addictions (or past addictions) that are FABULOUS, compassionate people.

I hope you heal and work on your own recovery and anger. Best of luck to you...and obviously, many many times it IS time to leave an addicted loved one to their own demise. Look after yourself....I hope everything works out for you.

Faithlove

We all make bad choices at one point or another. Sometimes they have long term effects (addiction); sometimes they don't.

I don't think anyone ever chooses to become an addict.

Hopefully you feel a little better now that you've ranted. Take your energy and focus it on making your life better.

LoveMeNow

There once was man who thought much like this. His solution has genocide. His name was Adolf Hitler.

Hate and anger can really warp a mind.

Chino

Some sober addicts are still pretty ugly without solid recovery under their belts.

The same goes for some of their enablers.

Kindeyes

Cynical One.....glad you addressed this as you did. Thank you.

After coming back to this thread, it was easy to realize how the OP could have triggered some folks....particularly our friends who are addicts in recovery. I think most of us would be offended if someone called the person we love a piece of s**t. But I didn't take it personally.......the OP was ranting and hurting. And sometimes we all need the opportunity to do that.

I love this: We can only be a victim once, after that we become willing volunteers. As an adult with options and choices, I agree with that wholeheartedly. However, if the OP is the adult child of an addict/alcoholic, there may have been a very long time where they were a victim and had no choice.

Compassion is sometimes best reserved for those we think least deserve it.

gentle hugs
ke

Windancer

Thanks! I think we all need to remember compassion. For addicts themselves, and for the loved ones close to them.

Katiekate

I was talking to a friend of mine months ago in reguard to the situaltion with my axbf, after talking awhile she said to me, Katie, sometimes it's okay to tell someone what a **** they are. I still couldn't do it, but I got the point.

It's okay to feel the way you feel, my xabf called me far worse for no reason at all. These feelings will well up and they will also subside.

Maybe it's important for your growth, just try not to act out in anger, that can casue a lot of problems.

Take good care, Katie

SSHope

I read your post and could feel the hurt. I am so sorry that you are hurting. When I first found out that my brother was a drug addict, I was so angry. I probably called him a worthless piece of ****. However, while I was angry, and I most definitely was, I was also sad. While others may view my brother the way you described, I remember him when he was younger. He is intelligent, compassionate, and funny. Those characteristics rarely show themselves right now, as they are buried underneath the addiction. I pray that God will show my brother his true value. The person that I remember. I told my husband, after my brother's suicide attempt, that I prayed that God would help him know his worth. That is he worth saving.

Did my brother waste the talents God gave him? Yes, but I also know that it is not too late. If he chooses to lead a life of sobriety, then he will be a productive member of society who will be a blessing to those around him.

God hasn't given up on my brother, so who am I to give up on him. I choose to pray for him instead. And I will pray that God will help you heal your heart. God bless!

Windancer

I wish RedBaron5 was back to see this thread .
I think it would help.

Vale

I choose not to allow addiction to take away my
compassion for my fellow man.

My choice.My prerogative.

losteverything

I wonder..when Jesus walked amoung the poorest, the most sinful, the farthest from God possible. Did he think, I wonder if this one needs to be bulldozed under a ditch?

zoso77

I see you have 5 posts, so you're relatively new to us. And you're pretty torqued off, too. So, deep breath...

I'd like to share something with you. The most gut wrenching stories I've heard in Al Anon are the stories from middle aged women and older about their sick children. Some of them have had to take RO's out against their own kids. Others have learned to not enable their children by bailing them out of jail. Because to do so would compromise their well-being. I can't imagine what that's like for mothers. But never once have I heard a mother describe her child as a piece of bleep.

I empathize with your anger, and I empathize with your pain, and yes, when we have romantic entanglements with an addict, it can drive us insane. But at the end of the day, they're sick and we can't help them get better. That's up to them. What's up to us is our lives and how we choose to manage them, whether the addict is in our lives or not. In my case, my AXGF is long gone, and I'm better off for it. Please read a little sticky note at the top of our homepage about how to survive a breakup with an addict. It may help you.

Best,
ZoSo

RedBaron5

I have read the this thread, and continue to read other threads. Many of you are far more compassionate and sympathizing than I am. Yes, I became a willing victim. But that does not make their actions any more ok. I could not imagine doing being an addict, or taking advantage of their loved ones the way in which they do. It is their choice. I'm sorry I absolutely refuse to compare a drug addict to a leukimia patient. I believe that some humans are superior to others through their ACTIONS and CHOICES, not inhernetly. Because of that thought process I cannot help but believe that a person who continues to damage people around him, and himself, through choices of using drugs, is little different than someone who assaults, or commits other acts of harm and general cowardly acts tword his fellow humans.

DoubleBarrel

So, I'm confused. Who's fault is it that you willingly became a victim?