cat1961

I thought a few months back I could grab a pack of beer and savor the taste as I had over the years in moderation. After a week sober I felt really good and thought I could just have a few. “Who am I trying to kid?” That has NEVER worked for me, nor will it ever work for me. At first I was able to control the drinking to a couple beers a night, go to bed and wake up well rested with no repercussions. It was awesome I had that form of control over my alcohol consumption.

This well planned routine worked well for a couple weeks then I slowly increased the intake and started drinking earlier each day. Soon many things were neglected around the home like laundry, keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean or having the energy to take a shower.

The next stage was seeing the rotting food in the refrigerator every time I grabbed a beer because food was not necessary. Then the sleep pattern went off course and could only sleep a few hours at a time. Laying there restless with the inability to fall back asleep, I decide to get up and have a beer and smoke. As a true alcoholic, there is no such thing as just one and would continue drinking way after the sun came up. I was a mess and ashamed at the same time but that’s ok because I would just go sleep it off.

Well, that wasn’t so cool either since as soon as I’d wake up again, I’d head right to the beer supply take inventory while I pop one open and plan my next beer run hidden behind dark glasses and hair pulled back because of my appearance. This daily routine went on for the last week up until last Friday and refused to make that beer run.

It’s going to be a tough next day or two but I know deep down that I cannot drink and will hold to it. Once I rid the toxins from my body I won’t find the urge to drink since I’ve been down this road before. I have tried meetings but they made me depressed and frankly almost drove me to drink. Finally, I need to be in control of any stressful situations in the future and not let those cause me to fall week to alcohol.

Thanks for letting me express my thoughts and the awesome support I receive from each and every one of you!

Anna

Cat, it sounds like you are committed to staying sober and recovering. Good for you!

You said, "Finally, I need to be in control of any stressful situations in the future and not let those cause me to fall week to alcohol." This is my experience - trying to control situations that are not under my control was a constant trigger to drink. I had to learn that the only thing I could control was my reaction to what was happening in my life. So, I don't believe you can control all the stressful situations in your life, but you can choose to not let them drag you back into alcoholism

Ghostlight

I drank exactly like you do. I hope you can break the cycle.
Try thinking that first drink through to the end, and the misery and shame it'll bring.

I've been where you are and quit. I hope you can do it, too.

llastchance8

Hello Cat1961,, you have all our support.. Your conclusion about moderation is absolutely right.. All of us have been there and done that.. I am on my day 6 and it is really getting better .. First 2 days were worst than hell but slowly , it is getting better. If beer is your enemy, mine is wine !! All are same . The final extract is a chemical made up of basic elements. But it is quite capable for destroying human organs, body, lives and lives of our loved ones..

The irony about moderation is like this.. The addictive voice inside us ( AV ) has grown very strong as we have fed it through years of our alcohol consumption. When,we decide , we must stop for ever, this smart AV talks us in to moderation.. In fact, the AV fools us, by being happy with little supply initially. Because, it knows that some thing is better than nothing. It also knows that after little feeds for few days, he is going to have his big share ,eventually.. So smart !!! Now, if we decide to stop this monster getting any amount of feed, it has to get weaker day by day.. But , the monster does not die easily. It needs just one more drink to rise like a phoenix from its own ashes. Let us try to keep this monster buried as much as we can.. I am fully with you.. Moderation is a trick of AV, talking us to into keeping him alive .. Let us make him starve to death..

cat1961

It's a painful cycle that ended Friday night. Now to get through the next couple days, while feeling quite under the weather, I'll be on a good road to recovery.

cat1961

Anna - you're absolutely right that we have no control of the stressful things in life. I need to step up to the plate with my big girl panties on and not let the situation drag me to the nearest carry out.

llchance - your rendition of the AV is quite accurate.

desertsong

I totally understand that cycle, Cat. It stinks, really it does. As the Big Book says, "It is the great obsession of every alcoholic to one day be able to drink like a normal person." (I'm paraphrasing, that's not the exact quote, but the gist of it).

Like you, there were countless times when I'd be going along just fine in my sobriety and then think, "A couple of drinks won't hurt and will probably feel really good." And each time, I did manage to keep it to just those couple of drinks. But it never lasted. Two became three, which became five, and then eight, and so on. In no time at all, I was back to my old habits ... drinking in the morning to curb the shakes, getting drunk by noon ... madness. That's the insanity of it all ... to have been down that road before and know where it ends (at the top of a very steep cliff), but to do it anyway.

Hopefully you are done doing "research," and are ready to make the changes that will keep you sober permanently. We're behind you!

Fernaceman

Yeah. I crossed the line of moderation into alcoholic drinking/thinking a long time ago. No matters how hard I tried, I couldn't jump across back into moderation after that. Just wouldn't happen to me, no matter how much I so wanted it to.

So. I had to accept the fact that it wasn't going to happen, and do something about it. Stopped trying to live with alcohol and live FOR sobriety.

MrsKing

It takes time, but changing the way you view alcohol makes a huge difference. You say you're worried about stressful things driving you to drink, but you know that drinking doesn't make anything any less stressful in the long run. For me, as soon as I stopped thinking of alcohol as a reward, or something that helped in bad, sad or stressful situations, things became a lot easier for me. If I'm feeling down or life is tough, I no longer think of drinking because I know that it only makes me sadder, and life much tougher. Viewing alcohol for what it really is, rather than romanticising it, really made such a difference to me.

I wish you all the best and hope the next few days are OK for you.

BruceJ

Yep.
When I get honest with myself....I have no desire for the "taste of beer" or "just one or two". It's my inner desire to get sh*tfaced and reach a state of oblivion.
I might be able to have one or two for a day, or a week, or a month.....but very soon I would be right back to where my disease/disorder/malady wants to take me.
I think I'll just not take that first drink today.

Works for me.

Weasel1966

Hey cat.... I tried moderation for the last 2 years. And as I did my drinking got worse and worse. I feel burdened by the constant monitoring of every thought so I don't convince myself I can drink. But I want to live. I have lost so much. I can never moderate. Never.

Glad you are here posting. It's help me today.

cat1961

Oh... I have lost so much over the years due to drinking.

It really does take so much more effort to arrange the drinking schedule, figure out where you're going to buy it and secretly consume than not to drink at all. The last time I quit drinking I never thought about having a drink and could focus all my attention on things I've neglected over time.

Pondlady

Moderating is exhausting. I quit in June.....tough at first.....much better now....never want to start over again. Keep posting.

Delilah1

Liike everyon else I have tried moderation unsucessfullly. I will cut down, I won't drink tonight, I will only have one or two... needless to say nonn of this wokeed.

Th first few days were tough, but being sober is worth it. Keeo reading and posting!!!!

Flounder

Thank you all for this thread,

I am on day 63 and physically, within the last week, starting to feel great! I still have massive cravings that come and go and almost lost it the other day but didn't. I hear these experiences and think of them and it really helps me through bad cravings.

Thanks

jsch

Yep, me too. Tried many times to moderate and it might work once in awhile. But that just fooled me to think I could control the uncontrolable. The only way for me is to not take that first one, that's the one that got me. Thanks for the topic. Many of us think we will one day control it- but thats an illusion. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic.

Fernaceman

The persistent illusion:

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

AA Big Book p. 30

Hevyn

That was a great post, cat. You've learned so much - I'm glad you're determined to reclaim your life and have a new start.

Like the rest of you, I tried for years to moderate. Anything but give it up all together. Not sure why, since it had ceased to be fun years ago. I remember buying a bottle of wine, telling myself to drink it slowly because that was all there was in the house - vowing not to go buy more. I would always end up running out just before the stores closed to stock up. Proof that once the first drink hits our system, all bets are off. I tried every trick there is, and I always failed to keep my promises to myself. When I finally stopped, it was such a relief. No more struggling and arguing with myself. No more danger or unpredictable behavior. I'm so glad it's over.

cat1961

Everyone! You are all a big contribution to what keeps me going! I successfully made it back from the store with tons of non-alkie drinks and feel great after the bike ride. I had to get smokes at my favorite beer stop, park the bike right in front of the liquor store and pass by countless walls of beer and wine at the grocery.

I can safely say there was absolutely no urge whatsoever, even the dude behind me buying a box of my favorite wine didn't trip me up.

Day two is approaching an end and can also say that the detox symptoms are deteriorating as I am no longer on the verge of puking or shaking uncontrollably.

Life is going to be great this week!

Huglets

Wow cat, I think we're twins! This is exactly how I was living my life until last Thursday. Your post absolutely sent chills down my spine.

Hang in there. I'm on Day 4 and it is hard. But it's sure better than the destruction that is alcohol.