That was a great post, cat. You've learned so much - I'm glad you're determined to reclaim your life and have a new start.
Like the rest of you, I tried for years to moderate. Anything but give it up all together. Not sure why, since it had ceased to be fun years ago. I remember buying a bottle of wine, telling myself to drink it slowly because that was all there was in the house - vowing not to go buy more. I would always end up running out just before the stores closed to stock up. Proof that once the first drink hits our system, all bets are off. I tried every trick there is, and I always failed to keep my promises to myself. When I finally stopped, it was such a relief. No more struggling and arguing with myself. No more danger or unpredictable behavior. I'm so glad it's over.