all4nothing

hey everyone.. i ran into this site by accident and i thought i would check it out since i have nobody that i can confide in that would be able to relate...( i suffer from depression and severe anxiety .. i have been that way since i was a child .. im sure that along with a lot of other things is what led me to 14 years of drugs .. what led me to getting clean had to do with getting into trouble with the law.. a divorce and having to leave to a different state over night ..i was clean for 5 years and 6 months.. then i relapsed last month ... and i relapsed hard.. during my clean time i got a new career ... i have excelled above and beyond.. i own my own business.. i have true friends who care about me.... i am going to college for another 2 degrees.. i got a best friend who almost instantly made me not feel depressed or suicidal anymore ... i feel (felt) amazing..... and the night terrors finally had stopped ... well last month that all changed... the cravings and triggers never went away.. i was convinced that if i just gave myself a little sting from the needle it would feed the itch and i would realize that i am finally done for good... i would prove to myself that it didnt fit into my new life.. HAHAHA yea right... i think i knew deep down what was gonna happen.. i just didnt think to this extent so quickly.. ... well i was right.. it dont fit into my new lifestyle.. it does not even feel the same.. it dont keep me up anymore.. my veins are still wrecked and scarred so of course i have totally efffed them up within the first week of this relapse... i am a massage therapist and i have about 7 clients a day.. well my arms are bruised.. full of bumps.. numb and probably abscessed. i missed a shot right before i had a client and by the end of the hour massage my arm had a baseball size knot on it.. how do i explain this..? well i came up with an amazing lie.... so i moved to my legs the second week.. go figure,, they are still ruined also.. but that didnt stop me.. i have probably a total of 40 bumps (a few may be a bit abscessed) i have a hole in my leg i could put my pinky in.... clever i know (being sarcastic on the clever remark) i can barely walk now .. i have fluid in my legs that im 90% sure is giving me congestive heart failure .. the gurgling cough and all the symptoms give that away.. my arms are numb almost all of the time.. i have awful dreams again and i feel the best friend i have ever had is disgusted by me and has withdrew himself from me.. i feel i have been acting different at work so i am convinced everyone knows i have relapsed (which they prob. have no idea).. the crazy thing is that im doing all this and im not even getting high it seems... i shoot about a quarter to a half gram at a time and find myself reusing about 6 to 10 times a day (and its only that few because i am at work 7 hours.. drive 2 hours and sleep like 6 hours)... but on my days off work i will shoot up about every hour (at least.. sometimes every half hour).. yea excessive .... i tried to just smoke it but that instantly nods me out and makes me so tired.. i am doing all this to myself and i really dont have any remorse ...i am going through about an 8 ball a day or 2 and its an endless supply so its not hurting me financially.. i go to bed and eat and its like im only hurting myself physically ... i absolutely love my new`life and now im not to sure how much longer i will even be living to see anymore life period..... good or bad.. i know there is something serious going on health wise.. but i am not going to the dr... even when i was sober i would go and still get treated like crap because of old scars.. i can only imagine how i would get treated if the marks are fresh..... my sister is a nurse practitioner.. my mom a nurse and my other sister is also.. they have no idea about the relapse and they are telling me i need to go to dr something is seriously wrong.. my heart is beating irregular .. well of course thats not enough for me.. so i sat here and read this addiction letter with a loaded stinging pistol in my hand and all i can think of is .. well at least my addiction isnt gonna leave me like everything else i finally start to love does.. once again its justified.. but i did my homework all night and now i will take this shot and feel a little something but then wonder why i no longer get the rush or high like i used to so i will try more .. then fall asleep.. then get up before work and do it all again.. i keep saying to myself that when this oz is gone i will stop again... because i am so sore and i need to go to the dr about my med. conditions and im not even getting high so theres no reason why i should have a problem with quitting... but ill believe that when the day comes..
anyways this is a quick view of my story.. there are much more details in there but ill get into more of that if anyone is even interested..
i guess i want to know what anyone thinks of why i had almost 6 years clean and i would just be so willing to throw it out the window so easily.. and why i feel that doing them (drugs) isnt bad..? i work.. i take care of my business.. and i found out even though i was sober the same bad **** would happen.. the type of stuff everyone would say happened cuz i was on drugs.. i had the same feelings i would have when i was high.. so what the point of being sober if nothing really changes no matter how much i "better" myself ..

Dee74

Hi all4nothing- welcome to SR

addiction can be relentless...

if we get complacent or over confident, or apathetic, or we let life overwhelm us - and we have no coping strategies but to drink or use - there's always the risk of going back.

What I had to do to stay clean and sober was to change my life - far beyond not drinking or using...I had to find a way to be happy not being high or drunk.

I also needed support - noone does this alone, in my opinion.

Finally, if I want to keep the life I've built sober and clean, I need to work on my recovery every day.

I think you could really use some support right now - where do you stand on recovery programmes?

Finally - don't start thinking all that sober time was wasted - the only way it will be wasted if you choose to throw away all you learned and all you gained in those 2000 days.

Fight for your future all4 - what are you prepared to do?
I think maybe a Dr would be a good start.

D

Prettynoose

You didn't "throw away" those days, because you had those days sober. Nothing can take those days away, and each day was a success you earned. So you had a short relapse. Don't allow that feeling of failure to become your reason to keep using. If that were a good reason no one would ever get sober. Look at the fact that it is not getting you high as a blessing.

And you really should take care of your health. Is there maybe a different doctor you can see?

all4nothing

i changed everything in my life.. i moved thousands of miles away.. i got a career.. i am currently furthering my career.. i have all new sober and clean friends.. i changed everything but still stayed true to myself.. i quit cold turkey and i did do it alone.. i had nobody i felt would understand what i was going thru because all my new friends have never been thru this.. i put all my focus into my studies at school.. but i thought about drugs everyday.. sometimes it seemed like all the time.. i figured the triggers and cravings were just permanent repercussions of my choices ..i have always excepted all the risks and dangers that come along with the path i chose.. i was willing to go to prison.. i was ok with lying .. i just cant understand why i dont think that doing them is bad for me.. why do i need to be clean..? why do i have to stop..? yes i lost a lot but i justify that as it would probably of happened clean or not.. i am just very confused right now.. i dont go to programs because i feel that when i do go ppl dont really understand what i am going thru because there is no possible way for them to feel my feelings and how my feelings have been impacted by life events.. and im not the type to talk about my problems.. i deal with my problems by doing what i need to do to get passed them and then i block them out with a lesson learned and try not to let it happen again.. as far as my future i am going to continue doing what i am doing ... finish school.. continue my career and keep enjoying life.. the thing is its not the relapse thats bothering me its the disappointment everyone would feel if they knew i was bamboozling them... they all tell me how proud they are.. how strong i am.. how brave and incredible i am because i have got clean and changed my life..well i was all them things before i got clean.. and they have no idea what it took so to me when ppl say them things it seems fake .. i did love to hear it from ppl who were close to me though..i think i just like the complements.. nobody did that before, .. nobody seen any good when i was using .. full focus on telling me how i need to quit.. but never could give me a reason why besides it was bad for me and illegal.. nobody knows i am using again .. and i am the same as i was last month when i was clean.. so back to why do i need to get clean..? i hate that i justify everything.. and i really cant understand why i want to start using again when obviously something happened and no matter how much i do i do not get high.. i know its good because i see others do a 1/4 of what i do and they are up for days.. i have yet been able to make it a full day up.. so if im not getting high then what am i chasing.. sooooo confused ....

all4nothing

i have been to drs in different states and cities and always get treated like a junky .. even when i was clean for years.. i have anxiety as it is.. i dont need someone looking at me and judging me when they have no idea anything about me.. i will go when im not dirty that way i can tell them i am clean.. i am also waiting to get health insurance and i cant have a precondition on record unless i want to pay an outrageous amount each month.. i am hoping this insurance goes through in a few weeks..

Dee74

So that's a lot about what you're not prepared to change...

If we want change in our lives I really believe we need to make changes - we can't change by doing the same self destructive things over and over.

I don't need an answer...but I really feel you should ask yourself...what you are prepared to change all4nothing?

D

all4nothing

let me start by saying thank you to those who have commented.. i am taking in every word that i have read...

@dee .. thats the thing.. i feel like i have changed everything i can..and i still find myself back to the same spot.. i dont know what else there is to change ... i feel that i have made an incredible new life for myself ..but once again .. i find myself sticking needles in my arms .. it seems like no matter how hard i try and how different i live my life i still get the same outcomes ... i dont know why i cant get it out of my head.. i thought since i have so much to lose now, and finally a true friend who i cant imagine my life without, that that would be enough to give me the strength to not give into temptation .. i guess i need to save me from myself ....

Butterfly74

Welcome to SR.

Keep coming back...keep reading...keep getting support.
I too know the feeling (all to well) of not "getting high" anymore ... you want to ...but all you really feel is "normal" and "able to cope"

Which are the evil illusions of the drugs.

My husband and I are only 11 days clean from 4 years of serious opiate abuse.
But we feel incredibly different and for the first time in years we are looking forward to the new life you described so well.
Remember that life. Put down the needles.
They will always be there calling you.
Its time for you to not answer!

Blessings and hugs!

Anna

I'm sorry that you're going through this. And, yes, as Dee said, addiction is relentless. It does sound like you made a lot of changes in your life, but it sounds like you need more change right now. I understand feeling shamed by drs, but talking to your dr could be the best place to start. Have you considered therapy? I hope that you can decide to begin to love yourself and to heal.

Dee74

Anna made the point I was trying to make...only better

I know you've made a lot of changes...and I congratulate you for that...but you're back in the hole.... maybe you need to make more changes yet All4?

Look at it this way....if you say Doctors are out and recovery groups are out - how exactly are you going to move forward?

D

wellwisher

I'd say about 14 or 15 years into my recovery, I too was very involved in running my own business started from the ground up; became involved in local government issues, had money pouring into and out of my pockets, and became a proud homeowner - something I never, ever envisioned I'd ever have. I was really, really busy and thinking I was fabulous because I was doing it.

The reality was there was no balance in my life at all. My attachment was to "things" and "status", which at the onset can be pretty heady stuff, but they lose their luster quickly. Something was missing.

All of those material things were just shiny baubles and they lost their luster when I still found myself feeling very much alone, even when I wasn't alone. I hadn't felt that in all the years I was sober up until then, but I started to keep people at arms distance. Completely against what I wanted my recovery program to solve for me. I remember being in detox and thinking "I don't ever want to drink again, and I never want to lonely anymore. I want to part of the human race."

I used my recovery tools so diligently for the first ten years or so, and while I never picked up again, my thoughts eventually shifted to baubles and status, but I forgot to work on the "belonging" part - sharing, playing, and getting myself truly into life's mix without the hubris that comes with the seeking of material trappings.

I sought my recovery program again, and I have found relief. I have to stay at it. I am grateful to my AA recovery program, because quite frankly, when I let my own ingrained thinking get in my way, the walls come tumbling down.

Maybe you'll consider getting into a recovery program? I'm sorry this is happening to you, and it could just as easily be me, so no judgement implied here.

all4nothing

thank you well wisher.. and that is kinda how i am feeling right now.. i have ppl around me who say they care but i do keep everyone distant ... i will do everything i can for them but i will never let anyone do anything for me ,,, i have the attitude that everything good comes to an end so no need in letting them get close.. they will just leave.. but that changed when i met my best friend.. i was at a very low part of my life.. it was about a year into being clean..i was depressed.. suicidal.. and when i met him that changed almost over night.. he brought so much happiness to me.. something i have NEVER felt ... i had never trusted anyone before but i found myself telling him my darkest secrets.. things NOBODY has ever heard.. i was able to be myself 100% and we have been best friends since day 1 .. and just recently he started acting different.. kinda withdrawn and thats when it clicked.. he is gonna get sick of me and leave sooner or later.. i was a fool to think that this time i actually found a person who will never leave my life.. and i do think thats what was the deciding factor on me using again.. he knows i did it twice but i have been telling him that all the dope ive been getting is for other ppl.. he has no clue i have been getting high so many times everyday.. we live together and i blame the marks on my arms on ding yard work.. i have never lied to him or ever wanted to lie to him but i think it would hurt his feelings if he knew the truth.. i feel so bad for not telling him what ive been doing... he wouldnt care but i dont want to do anything to give him a reason to get sick of me..
it all seems so petty when i read what i write .. its hard to put feelings into words sometimes. i just need to suck it up and quit crying around.. wat ever is gonn happen is gonna happen,..
i need to find a recovery group and give it a try.. i have always felt like i was strong enough to handle anything but i guess maybe not this addiction ... i also need to learn to not substitute one thing for the other... i quit dope.. then ill gamble.. ill not gamble and ill do something else,,,. very addictive personality and i need to learn when enough is enough.. everything doesnt need to be in such excess..

sugarbear1

I like sobriety. For me it's mostly about fully human interaction.

I'm not alone in my apartment living in my head today. I'm happy.

Yeah, life happens, if we use or not. Some is positive, some is negative. Today, I have no desire to drink or use drugs. Life still happens.

Are you happy with what you are doing in life today? Are you fully present with the people you encounter?

Just things to consider here, no judgement. I like me today. I never liked me when I was messed up.

I wish you a wonderful life!

wellwisher

Ah, yes, the dichotomy of addiction - so many polar opposities contained within our desires but our actions don't seem to bring us to where we long to be.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same types of thoughts in my head while I was using. This was my experience:

To keep people at arm's length because I was afraid to be hurt, yet I wanted to belong amongst them.

To do for others, but never allow them to do for me because to accept help I was afraid people would see me as weak.

To let my joy be minimized because I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

To trust that once people got to know me, they would leave, because how can someone trust me when I can't trust myself.

I've lived it. I know.

I used a three-pronged approach to recovery - detox and rehab (inpatient and outpatient), AA, and after-care alcohol counseling with a therapist.

I didn't find SR until about two years ago and I think it is great you are here and posting.

I hope you seriously consider some sort of program because we really aren't meant to live that way.

All my best...

all4nothing

i guess the way i have always moved forward form everything else.. bury it and keep on walking alone .. is my honest answer.. besides that i cant answer this question ;/

all4nothing

well i figured after almost 6 years i would feel the rush or get hella high but i really feel nothing except disappointment so i try more.. i was clean for so long and i never really felt better i thought about why is it so important that i get clean..? i never hurt anyone.. i was functioning.. i was social .. and i think i had/have myself convinced that all the effed up stuff i do and how i feel and treat ppl is just the type of person i am and i have learned to be ok and accept that.. i am not a bad person.. i am a great friend to have .. i give excellent advise and help everyone i can ,. but i just dont take my own advise.. there was only one time that i was thinking to myself how the cravings havent been so frequent and that i couldnt really see myself doing drugs again and that i was actually truly happy.. my night terrors had stopped and i felt this joy i had never felt before and that lasted about a week and then something got triggered and i remembered that everything that was making me happy an feels so good would come to an end eventually and then i would just get hurt worse if i got my hopes up to high so that knocked me off my horse.. but other than that one time.. i never felt happy or proud or ok with the fact that i can live without drugs being a part of my life.. everyone always tells me how amazing i am.. and how im such an awesome person and that they wish they could be like me.. well little do they know while i am smiling at them and helping them and caring for them and leading this fabulous new life i feel like an empty shell inside and its hard for me to except them compliments when they dont know what i am really feeling like.. so i guess that why i don t feel proud of myself.. i dont deserve all the praise ppl give me and i know it..
well i rambled again .. i try and explain everything i say because i feel like nobody really understands or can relate.. but i am starting to see that some of you can relate and i prob. dont need to explain myself so much..

all4nothing

yes i feel all them things.. but it is almost all true.. as soon as i find joy its over.. as soon as i express myself i find it was a mistake.. i have only trusted one person and i am terrified i was stupid for thinking i could and i shouldnt have ( ill find out sooner or later ) but i dont know how i will ever get over that.. if the one time i finally let my guard down and exposed every secret and feeling i have turns out to be a mistake i will never do that again.. i went over 30 years keeping my feelings inside i should of just kept them there.. but i will never trust anyone again.. i need to consider a support group but i think it will have to be one where ppl voluntarily went and not ordered to go.. i want ppl there who were not forced.. if someone is forced they prob. dont really care to hear my problems.. they will only be listening because they have to..

all4nothing

i cant say im happy but i am doing amazing things in my life.. i help ppl everyday feel better physically and emotionally .. i like how ppl see and think of me... i have never liked myself and as hard as i have tried to accept that i am an awesome person and i deserve to be happy.. i just cant let myself believe it.. .. im sure i have some damage to parts of my brain that allows empathy and sympathy and self gratification because its not normal to be doing so great and achieving such amazing things and not feel excited about it at all.. i think damn 6 years i tried and still not happy with myself.. maybe some of us just are meant to make others happy and to do everything we can for others..and to not worry about ourselves... sometimes i feel like i dont need to be happy as long as everyone else i care about is..

wellwisher

Learning where to hold people in relation to my heart was something I actually learned in recovery. I was one who either told you nothing, or blurted every secret of my soul while under the influence. Needless to say, I've made some bad choices in that regard.

However, I found those who are in recovery, no matter where they are in the process, were the very people who helped me out of my hole. They were mirrors into my soul even when I thought I didn't have a soul or if I didn't think I was worth saving.

I had a lot of conditions of what I was willing or not willing to do when it came to quitting, and in my experience, it kept me using to the point that I had no choice in the matter. It was quit or die for me. It was a pretty hard and rough road I travelled, and in retrospect, so unecessary. I think what kept me out of recovery all those years was fear of discovery for the fraud I perceived myself to be. I wasn't a fraud; I just didn't have the answer. Fear is such a horrible place to operate from. Turns out most of my fears were unfounded - and the only thing I could do to overcome those fears was to face them head on.

I spent over twenty years in that hole, which got deeper with each passing day, until I did something about it. I honestly don't think we are meant to be there, and on some level, I think you may agree with me, too.

Have you ever gone to an NA meeting?

all4nothing

I would like to think that im not meant to be there.. but if not then why doesnt it change.. no matter how hard i try and no matter what i change...
i have gone to NA meetings a few times when i was in jail .. not because i wanted help but because it was a reason to get out for an hour 2 times a week.. i would probably go to a meeting .. but if i want to change bad enough then i should be able to do it.. why do i need others help..? if i truly am ready to change or need to change or want to change then i should be able to do it without second guessing it and without the help of others.. i should be able to be strong enough if i am really needing to change..? why do i need help or support from ppl who dont even know me... ? i have always wondered why (especially when i was going through what i was before i got clean) why my family or my "friends" never cared enough to have an intervention or have me committed...they just watched the train wreck and told me i needed to change but never took action.. i guess looking back at it i just wanted someone to take me and tell me they were not going to leave until they knew i was better.. i remember all the times i had a gun in my mouth and wanted nothing more than to pull the trigger or all the handful of pills i have taken just to go to sleep and not have t think of all the ways i feel like i messed things up and hurt ppl .. i hoped that when i got clean all them feelings would subside but they never did.. what do i need to do to feel self worth..? t feel like i am important and deserving of good things..? i have never felt that no matter what good i do..? i think if i could feel like that then that would be a huge step toward me finding reasons to live healthy and to make sure i am around for years to come.. and then maybe i might see why i shouldnt use or not want to use .. i dont knoiw how its possible for me to love me..? its weird for me to even imagine it.. i know that sounds crazy and prob. dont make since