thank you well wisher.. and that is kinda how i am feeling right now.. i have ppl around me who say they care but i do keep everyone distant ... i will do everything i can for them but i will never let anyone do anything for me ,,, i have the attitude that everything good comes to an end so no need in letting them get close.. they will just leave.. but that changed when i met my best friend.. i was at a very low part of my life.. it was about a year into being clean..i was depressed.. suicidal.. and when i met him that changed almost over night.. he brought so much happiness to me.. something i have NEVER felt ... i had never trusted anyone before but i found myself telling him my darkest secrets.. things NOBODY has ever heard.. i was able to be myself 100% and we have been best friends since day 1 .. and just recently he started acting different.. kinda withdrawn and thats when it clicked.. he is gonna get sick of me and leave sooner or later.. i was a fool to think that this time i actually found a person who will never leave my life.. and i do think thats what was the deciding factor on me using again.. he knows i did it twice but i have been telling him that all the dope ive been getting is for other ppl.. he has no clue i have been getting high so many times everyday.. we live together and i blame the marks on my arms on ding yard work.. i have never lied to him or ever wanted to lie to him but i think it would hurt his feelings if he knew the truth.. i feel so bad for not telling him what ive been doing... he wouldnt care but i dont want to do anything to give him a reason to get sick of me..
it all seems so petty when i read what i write .. its hard to put feelings into words sometimes. i just need to suck it up and quit crying around.. wat ever is gonn happen is gonna happen,..
i need to find a recovery group and give it a try.. i have always felt like i was strong enough to handle anything but i guess maybe not this addiction ... i also need to learn to not substitute one thing for the other... i quit dope.. then ill gamble.. ill not gamble and ill do something else,,,. very addictive personality and i need to learn when enough is enough.. everything doesnt need to be in such excess..