i changed everything in my life.. i moved thousands of miles away.. i got a career.. i am currently furthering my career.. i have all new sober and clean friends.. i changed everything but still stayed true to myself.. i quit cold turkey and i did do it alone.. i had nobody i felt would understand what i was going thru because all my new friends have never been thru this.. i put all my focus into my studies at school.. but i thought about drugs everyday.. sometimes it seemed like all the time.. i figured the triggers and cravings were just permanent repercussions of my choices ..i have always excepted all the risks and dangers that come along with the path i chose.. i was willing to go to prison.. i was ok with lying .. i just cant understand why i dont think that doing them is bad for me.. why do i need to be clean..? why do i have to stop..? yes i lost a lot but i justify that as it would probably of happened clean or not.. i am just very confused right now.. i dont go to programs because i feel that when i do go ppl dont really understand what i am going thru because there is no possible way for them to feel my feelings and how my feelings have been impacted by life events.. and im not the type to talk about my problems.. i deal with my problems by doing what i need to do to get passed them and then i block them out with a lesson learned and try not to let it happen again.. as far as my future i am going to continue doing what i am doing ... finish school.. continue my career and keep enjoying life.. the thing is its not the relapse thats bothering me its the disappointment everyone would feel if they knew i was bamboozling them... they all tell me how proud they are.. how strong i am.. how brave and incredible i am because i have got clean and changed my life..well i was all them things before i got clean.. and they have no idea what it took so to me when ppl say them things it seems fake .. i did love to hear it from ppl who were close to me though..i think i just like the complements.. nobody did that before, .. nobody seen any good when i was using .. full focus on telling me how i need to quit.. but never could give me a reason why besides it was bad for me and illegal.. nobody knows i am using again .. and i am the same as i was last month when i was clean.. so back to why do i need to get clean..? i hate that i justify everything.. and i really cant understand why i want to start using again when obviously something happened and no matter how much i do i do not get high.. i know its good because i see others do a 1/4 of what i do and they are up for days.. i have yet been able to make it a full day up.. so if im not getting high then what am i chasing.. sooooo confused ....