Hopeworks

A common pattern in the dance of the alcoholic/codependent relationship is when the A tells their mate that they want to stop drinking but simply do not have any idea where to start or what to do.

While it is a very bad plan to get involved in planning/helping/directing the recovery plan it would be a great help to the A who is seriously seeking answers if we were to develop a comprehensive list that could be printed off and handed to the A's who ask for it.

So... please share your own personal e,s and h of what actions, what books, what organizations, what professionals, what tools they developed that were helpful in A's that you have known in their journeys to try and find recovery.

My A actually found authentic recovery but in the end ditched it for a drink...stopping drinking is not the challenge it is STAYING stopped and finding the core person God created them to be... joyful, serene and a good partner to their mate and parent to their children.

The key for my XA was the psychic change that he had once he completed the steps in AA. Additionally he was in counseling with a couselor well versed in addiction and relationships and this was a huge help to him.

1. AA
2. Counseling... must know addiction and relationships!

scrambled2012

getting a second job can help; something they enjoy, not for the money. volunteering also, if it has enough structure.

onlythetruth

My advice to anyone who really wants to recover is:

1. Make a firm and unconditional commitment to stop drinking/using.
2. Do whatever you need to do to keep that commitment. This may mean joining a support group (such as SMART Recovery, LifeRing, SOS, SR, or AA). It may mean following the RR/AVRT philosophy. It may mean working with a counselor.
3. If something you've tried doesn't help, don't be afraid to try something different.

dbh

I would be uncomfortable recommending anything to an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic so I have no ESH on how an alcoholic gets and stays sober.

I think the ESH would need to come from someone who has walked the same path.

db

dancingnow

My "arrogant" RAH tells me that when he sees someone who is out of control drunk that they must not understand that once you take that first drink there is no stopping. So it's his experience that he now knows he cannot take that first drink and that is what keeps him sober.

feelingalone43

It took me a long time, but I finally told him that he's "quacking at the wrong pond". He needs to find someone qualified in his specific issues, and that if he could find anything else on the internet that interested him, he could start there. I did, and found SR.

Buffalo66

I would not know how to help soeone. I know the best thing that I did to contribute to my RAH choosing sobriety was to stick to as many boundaries as I could.

You can maybe help them by making your own bottom a little higher, making a choice not to feed the alcohol use any longer, and to stop enabling.

I would not know where to tell them to go. SOmetimes getting into a room at a facility is a whole other battle for some people. My RAHs mom helped him do that stuff. I was too angry, tired, and detached at that point. (detached as I could be).

I do know what advice I would give to an SO or family member after their A has committed to sobriety:

-Make clear what you will and will not tolerate from the RA.
-Do not go back on these boundaries.
-Do not get blinded by the excitement that they are not drinking and eggshell around them.
-Expect the best from them, be proud, and treat them as adults. with loving compassion and detachment without sacrificing your own peace and schedule.

I was not as good at these things. These are a must.

dbh

Wanted to expand upon my response.

I come from a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic until the day he died. In my family of origin, we all knew EXACTLY what he needed to do in order to get sober. If he only just listened to us, everything would be fine.

Our codependency extended to each other too. I actually started looking into ACA meetings because I thought it might help my brother (lol).

There are many addicts and recovering addicts in my extended family. Whenever I ask a recovering addict what helped to get them sober they NEVER say someone else told them to go to a meeting, seek counseling, go to rehab, etc.

My uncle has been sober for 40 years. He told me he saw an old drinking buddy who looked great. He hadn't seen him in awhile and asked where he had been. His friend told him that he's been going to AA and hasn't been to a bar in six months. My uncle decided to go to AA because "he wanted what this other guy had". Another one of my cousins felt like he experienced a divine intervention when he was in the hospital after an alcohol related accident.

I truly think recovery has to come from within. You decide that you have had enough and search for help.

My own recovery started when I was having a mini-breakdown during work because I felt worthless, unloved, and a failure. I didn't know how I would ever feel better again. I called the counseling staff there and they told me to come right over. I started working with a wonderful therapist the following week.

I think I feel so strongly about this because on his death bed, my 70 year old father (who had been divorced from my mother for 35 years) said, "If your mother had stayed and tried to help me more maybe I would have stopped drink." Ha! It was actually so so sad that he never took responsibility for himself or his life.

So, if an addict asked me how to get help I could honestly say that I don't know. I might suggest that they google "alcoholism" and start making their own list.

BTW, I can sympathize with your desire to create this list.

I think a more appropriate list, for this forum, would be "what did you do to get yourself help from codependency".

Fondly,

db

EnglishGarden

I think when the addict asks for help, and he is sober and serious about it, it is all right to provide information.

I would offer a copy of the Big Book of AA ( which can be ordered through Amazon or other online bookstores). And then completely let go the outcome.

I think the Big Book speaks to all addicts in a language we codependents will never have.

OhBoy

I think having a few phone numbers is handy to have. A number for detox/rehab and/or someone who's been through the war so to speak. If/when they ask for help, you are putting information in their hands & it is then up to them.

choublak

I have a few uncles and other relatives who are in recovery with lots of sober time. They are also quite straightforward about things and will call bs when they see it. So I just brought the bf to family stuff really. Which, we both come from very family-oriented families anyway.