GridLock99

Hi all - this is my first post here. There is a lot to share. I first got drunk & stoned at age 11. By the age of 16 I was using drugs & drinking heavily. At the age of 17 I was sectioned for 4 months under the mental health act on a locked ward. This set up a pattern. I was hospitalised in psychiatric hospital 3 more times, had a serious suicide attempt, & was placed on all kinds of psychiatric drugs, as well as all the street using.

Close to 11 years ago (well almost), I got clean & sober with the help of 12 step groups. Initially I put a lot of the psychosis that I'd had down to the illicit drug use. I tried to come off the prescribed neuroleptic (anti-psychotic) drugs. I tried twice & became very unwell each time. For the past 7 to 8 years I have maintained a low dose of the neuroleptic that I take.

I was diagnosed with 'drug induced psychosis' at the age of 17, 'psychotic depression' at the age of 21, & with 'paranoid schizophrenia' at the age of 25.

It's been a few years since I did a 12 step meeting - & I have really gone off the whole approach. I still practise & develop my own spirituality; of which is a main interest. But I found that there was very little support or understanding for my mental health difficulties at the meetings.

I still smoke tobacco heavily as well.

I fluctuate a lot in how I feel, & get some very bad 'off days' where I feel horrendously bad. I get a lot of anxiety, depression, odd mental & emotional states, & problems with sleep.

I do have a circle of friends, but also spend most of my time alone. I've been very isolated in recovery. I've been single over 13 years; & living alone close to 11 years. I find life very hard to cope with some days. I am close with my family; which consists of my mother & twin brother, but the dynamics can be very hard. My mother is unwell; with cognitive decline, & my brother is in active addiction (cannabis, alcohol & steroids).

I've worked with a number of alternative healers, & very closely with someone over the past few years; who has been a great help with things. I've also been seeing a psychotherapist for around a year. I still though often feel hopeless about things & that I'm not really getting anywhere (despite how far I've come). I get hopeless about ever being able to more fully resolve & heal from things.

I spend a lot of time on-line, & have posted a lot on forums trying to find some answers. Largely I've found a lot of frustration; if I'm honest.

I look forward to meeting some of you & your replies.

Thanks.

davaidavai

What sort of spirituality do you practice? It looks like you are definitely seeking answers. I feel hopeless too a lot of the time, especially when I am hungry or really tired.

I like AA though, at least most of the meetings I have attended. They each have different dynamics.

Isn't it funny though how all these drunks have companions? Like you, I've been alone for a long time. Sometimes it looks like for every pathetic, jaundiced alcoholic there's someone willing to put up with him or her. Sometimes I think about it, about how everywhere people are falling head over heals in love with each other, and it's a comforting thought. I just feel miles seperate from that kind of experience of acceptance and support. At which point, someone chimes in, "yes, but do you accept others?" You mean like when I'm ordering tacos? What opportunities are there for a coffee shop fly like myself? You mean, like starting awkward conversations with strangers? Oh, yeah, maybe I'm not accepting them which is why they want nothing to do with me.

Life can really be baren and empty. But luck changes, life changes. And I think the beginning of change is taking those ash gray moments, sitting with them, listening to what life is telling you, what others are really saying. Acceptance. If we can do that and build strength there, then maybe we can form a new relationship with life. Sometimes if I am being honest with myself and really listening, the world seems so beautiful and intelligible.

shockozulu

Hi, I suffer from clinical depression. I don't discuss my antidepressant use inside the rooms. I consider it an outside issue. When depressed I just mention I'm going through a tough time and then speak of the solution. My sponsor considers it the same so we don't need to discuss it. We discuss the program., solution and big book.

There are two people that are aware of it. Both are dear friends inside the program. I talk to them about it openly.

GridLock99

I do understand that perspective - But found problems with it all.

Primarily that I can't separate out the 2 things to such a high degree; it's all entwined into my life & experiences; & all I really have is my experiences. I found that I couldn't find a deeper resolution to things 'simply' using the 12 step framework; it wasn't enough & didn't get to the core of things. In many ways I feel that it negates a lot of the healing of our deeper traumas. But this is my personal view.

Any attempt to broach these subjects; & either everything is down to drug use & addiction, & the prescribed medication is using; or suddenly people are expert Doctors, psychologists & psychiatrists - it all got too much; it almost killed me & I've seen it kill some people (especially those that are coerced/forced/persuaded to stop medications; & it very much goes on). I also could no longer take the clichéd explanations; like 'your not working the steps hard enough/properly' etc.

As a basis for certain principles & building up some clean time it worked. But it was in many ways making me more mad/ill as well. I did thousands of meetings, worked through all the steps with 3 sponsors; read most of all the AA & NA literature - & did everything that was suggested - it didn't work, beyond 'basic' sobriety.

I haven't totally rejected it all; it did help in ways, & I know that it does help some people more than others. I agree with some of the 12 step viewpoints, but I also agree with some of the orange papers (although not all of it as well).

I have a lot of opinions on it all.

GridLock99

I wouldn't know where to start to explain. I could sum it up as principles, or as non-religious spirituality (in broad/undefined terms)

Have looked into a lot of different approaches & systems. & have covered most the past life/inter life material - such authors as Ian Lawton, Andy Tomlinson, Robert Schwartz, Kubler Ross, Michael Newton, & Brain Weiss. Theosophy/Alice Bailey, Zen, Buddhism (only parts; I largely disagree with all mainstream Religions), 'New Age' Spirituality (in the broadest terms/many authors/subjects [including mindfulness & meditation). The entire history of Self Help (very interesting when explored). Reiki, Cartouche/Egyptian Healing system, & Energy Healing (trained in), also tried many many alternative healing modalities. Integrative Psychotherapy. Trans-personal/Jungian/Depth/Esoteric psychology (had ongoing counselling with) [spiritual emergency/emergence/healing crisis] (personal investigation). You name it - have collected hundreds of books on these subjects as well.

I just feel done in from it all. I love the natural World; & I try to have compassion for Humanity. But I see such Madness in the World. The UK is like some low security; open air prison/lunatic Asylum. 'We're' bringing on Civilisation/Ecological Collapse; in the name of a consumerist profit driven/debt based materialistic paradigm, held up on a System of Corporation/Banking Control, Greed & Dominance, & the Dominance of largely defunct Economic, Political & Religious [& military/Industrial] Systems - that very few seem to really seriously question or consider; all combined with a myriad of endless trash & distractions fed to us by mainstream media/culture; with an abysmal education system, & largely bad materialistic/reductionist 'scientifically' dominated medical & social care systems. I despair of it. Given where we're headed & the problems that we're facing; I feel that we're on the verge of a mass die off; but at least that possibility may give the Earth a chance to recover & something better to come in place of the present Lunacy? I don't like the current Culture/Society that we're living in; I think it's sick & rotten to the core.

But I may be wrong with it all - I may be wrong about a lot.

davaidavai

Thanks for the reading list. I'll google these names. I should read more. Being absorbed in a book is always a good thing, but it's so rare I really get absorbed.

I once spent a day in London wandering around. I liked it. From the news media and from my annoying jaunts through the airports, my impression of GB is of an emerged security state where people get arrested for over feeding their cats. Is it collapsing under the weight of idealism and alcohol without the sustaining beauty of the continent? England was always such a politically temperate society. The tweedy English glum, the novels, the beer swilling Yorkshire farmers, Prince Charles suggest in my mind an escape from sex, from passion, from some sort of legitimate core human experience that is also an innately destructive experience. And then there is Gatwick and Heathrow.

But yeah. That is what is happning in the world, and it's interesting. I think my problem is that I feel victimized by it. I am on the outside with no means of comment in any particular form, no avenue of engagement. My parents were imperfect in their particular way, and the outcome of whatever genetic propensities coupled with nurture somehow produced the strange amalgum of good and bad that is me. This amalgum however can bearly tread water within the complexities you detail. I am simply at a loss. I have tried and failed and there never ever was someone standing in the wings egging me on with love despite my own drunken foolishness. I am but a fly on the windshield. So why not drink a fifth of whiskey? I guess, because over the last two months I have tasted something else, some kind of harmony. I just want to see what happens if I am silent for a change.

I view the dynamics you detail more as a struggle than a foregone conclusion in which the world dies. A very gradual process of awakening. I found myself mistakenly looking at an Obama aphorism yesterday. Be the change, or something like that. It's unlikely that something like that could have been uttered perhaps even 20 years ago. So, I'm not giving up on it yet. I just wish I had a way to engage, to be something that wasn't a solitary, struggling temp worker who can't get a date.

GridLock99

Thanks for the reply.

I still can't find anything that really satisfies an answer; nor to follow & fully apply myself to. The more that I've looked into the less I realise that I really know; & the more mysterious a lot of things become.

I feel as confused, overwhelmed & befuddled by it all as you appear to be. Some peace, calm & harmony - sounds like the only solution. A good plan to be silent & observe - I ought to more.

Yea - I fluctuate with it all - some days I'm far more optimistic & hopeful with it all than others. Has been gloomy the past couple of days again; have been in apocalypse mode.

davaidavai

I guess that's why we should talk about these things. It helps me with clarity. Like you, I get sick with the world. Life isn't easy. I was never told, and I always expected something.

Mysterious is good. The mystery of this room, this fading light, this loneliness in my chest feeling like it always has ever since I was a little boy.

Mo S

I too have a dignosis of mental illness. Got it after getting sober 5 years- suddenly one nervous breakdown with psychosis one after another.

I too stopped AA after 23 years- taboo to talk about my mental health which was so interwoven with my alcoholism/addict recovery.

Dont know if this helps; i did a ggogle search on mental health support in my community and found a great "drop in center" funded by the United Way. They are practically a secret. I go several times a week for the day and it keeps me out of social isolation, made a couple of friends and starting running art therapy groups as a volunteer. Perhaps you can find something like that in your community. Most medium size cities have one in some form or another and i come from a small one. Just a suggestion- i just had to have the kahunas to go- i was desparate for a change and willing to go to any lengths. I wish you the best.

GridLock99

Yea - this is the problem.

Thanks - I'll check it out; there seems to be very little round here.

GridLock99

Seems it's an American thing? I'm in the UK.