What sort of spirituality do you practice? It looks like you are definitely seeking answers. I feel hopeless too a lot of the time, especially when I am hungry or really tired.
I like AA though, at least most of the meetings I have attended. They each have different dynamics.
Isn't it funny though how all these drunks have companions? Like you, I've been alone for a long time. Sometimes it looks like for every pathetic, jaundiced alcoholic there's someone willing to put up with him or her. Sometimes I think about it, about how everywhere people are falling head over heals in love with each other, and it's a comforting thought. I just feel miles seperate from that kind of experience of acceptance and support. At which point, someone chimes in, "yes, but do you accept others?" You mean like when I'm ordering tacos? What opportunities are there for a coffee shop fly like myself? You mean, like starting awkward conversations with strangers? Oh, yeah, maybe I'm not accepting them which is why they want nothing to do with me.
Life can really be baren and empty. But luck changes, life changes. And I think the beginning of change is taking those ash gray moments, sitting with them, listening to what life is telling you, what others are really saying. Acceptance. If we can do that and build strength there, then maybe we can form a new relationship with life. Sometimes if I am being honest with myself and really listening, the world seems so beautiful and intelligible.