Epona

Hi all-

New here and need some support, help! Short version-marrried almost 20 yrs. Husband quit drinking 6/11, after he took overdose of prescribed pain meds. Prior to quitting drinking he was very mean to all of us, angry outbursts, destroyng property, etc. He went to see a counselor a few times after he put down the bottle.
At the time we had his son and 3 kids staying w/us-due to son and his wife splitting up. They were here a year and a half and got their own place in 8/11.

After they moved out, we had a lot to get caught up on on our place-we have small farm and both work fulltime. No money for extras, just getting by but we both love this place-we hunted for it a year and have been here almost 6 yrs.

Fast forwardto two weeks ago-I found out that he began an affair in Oct 11.
He was sorry, he said. He did comply w my telling him no more contact w her .I was/am devastated....
But while he said he was sorry, he also said he did it bc "he was lonely, I did not act like I liked him" (so it was really my fault) and he found someone who told him what a good person he is.
It was not until a few days ago when he was still riding his high horse, that I reminded him how ****** he was to me the past few years when he drank so much, that it "opened his eyes' and he could see why I was not all over him with joy and that he had never said he was sorry for putting me through the wringer, or appreciated that while I was dedicated to the family, he was "absent."

Of the many thoughts in my head right now-I keep wondering-could he really not recall the way he was? I guess I could see it if he was in an alcohol fog-but he had the affair after he was sober for 6 months....

really hurting....
Epona

fourmaggie

I just love how they dont be accountable for THEIR OWN behaviour...blame, blame, quack, quack....( i really enjoy how much they quack!!)http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-quackers.html


welcome to SR! your in a good place...please read all the information here...
sounds like he does not go to AA...but YOU can CHANGE....AL ANON will help...have you ever thought of that?....please go to meetings...so much wisdom here and a real life meeting...and make YOU a priority....

Epona

Thank you Anvil and Maggie for your welcome....yes it was quite a blow-at this time
I am trying my best just to get through the day. I have not made up my mind if this is a dealbreaker....he IS remorseful, we have a lot invested, but the trust is gone....
Any thoughts on the question I posed?

Epona

Ha-if it quacks like a duck.....

fourmaggie

does it matter...?

YOU matter...its up to you to decide...you dont have to decide right now...run to a meeting...things will soon come clearer in time...*been there and done that*

fourmaggie

A good question to ask yourself " what am I getting out of this relationship that is positive and nurturing ?"

Epona

Yes Maggie you are right-good question. Right now, nothing! But, it wasn't always like this. He says he wants to do the work on himself, appears to have some insight now he did not have before.

I think I am tryng to sort out what is bs/lies/denial/backpeddling vs what is real and true..hard to do once someone has lied and cheated for months and is now seemng very sorry and solicitous

Epona

Anyone?

Adventure

Hi Epona

Brand new here (this is my first post). My AH is very skilled at not recalling anything bad about himself. He only ever "recalls" his version of events, which obviously is never accurate.

2 years ago we went to counselling together. The counsellor asked my AH to describe why he thought we were there, and his version was all sweetness about wanting us both to be happy and to have a happy marriage, etc. etc. My version obviously focussed almost 100% on what he had been putting me through and was a completely different story. The counsellor (a recovered alcoholic himself) told us that is so common. The A in the relationship only remembers the good/positive stuff about himself, where the other party/parties have a very different view. So, to answer your question, IMO, yes it is extremely possible/likely that he can't recall the way he was because he had brainwashed himself into believing something else!

painterman

Sorry for the way you are feeling, I hope you get some peace of mind back soon, goodness knows we all need it. I think the issue for you is trust, something you need to re establish and maybe something that will take a bit of time. Sounds to me like you want to trust him.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Epona!

Your AH is still in early sobriety. He is undergoing physical/mental/emotional changes still. That is not an excuse, but just a reminder that it took some time to get to his breaking point, and it will take some time to recover from the alcoholic abuse.
He may not recall his previous behaviors if he was in blackout drunk mode. OR He may still be in denial about the effect of his previous behaviors. Hard to say.

I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some of my favorite reading is in the permanent posts at the top of this forum. Those posts (called stickies) contain some of our stores and loads of wisdom.

Keep coming back. We are here to support you.

Epona

thanks for your thoughts everyone. I can't locate the "stickies" ?

Willybluedog

Epons,


First of all welcome to you glad you are here.

Stickies are at the top of the page, the first 8 inches or so of posts, they will always be there, while below them your newset post will show up and older posts will be pushed to page 2.

Willybluedog

As far as the cheating, my mother is the A in my life, she cheated on my dad first, about a month into their marriage, I don't know if she has cheated since he caight her, but he has been cheating on her for almost 60 years with just about any woman who will open her legas and keep her mouth shut about it.

Since he is her enabler they have this ugly dance that they do, horrible to watch as a kid growing up, worse as an adult when you really understand what is going on.

My ex-wife cheated on me and of course blamed it all on me, we both worked tons of hours but because I only worked 60 hours a week and she worked 70-80 I did everything, laundry, cleaning, cooking, yardwork, you name it, I did it, you know aht her excuse for cheating was? All my help around the house smothered her as a person, so she had to find love in the arms of a co-worker (one who made a habit of seducing married women).

I would have taken her back if she had made a real attempt to work it out, she would not go to counseling and would accept no responsibility for the affair.

I cannot tell you what to do, you have to dig deep and decide what you can live with, but if it were me he would have to be showng real remorse and genuine effort at making it right, plus absolute transparency with his phone, email, time away from home.

You don't have to be an alcoholic to be a self-absorbed a$$-hat, my dad has proven that for nearly 60 years, so don't allow him to use alcohol as a get out of jail free card.

Please attend counseling for yourself and demand he actively participate in joint counseling for the long haul, counseling has been an absolute god-send for me.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

Epona

Got it-thanks, Willy!

NYCDoglvr

What a painful thing to learn. I'm so sorry. One of the biggest characteristics of alcoholism is denial and that is probably at work here. But none of us really want to look at our own bad behavior, what we're ashamed of. Instead of seeing your husband blaming you, perhaps it's better to understand he felt the way he felt. Not your fault, certainly.

Epona

NYC-I am trying to understand where he was at-it's just so darn self centered! Yup I am mad, sad, etc. He was trying to justify his actions by blaming me...and says he "forgot" he was so mean and nasty, could not get why I was not "liking" him, and chose this as the reason he stepped out.
Now I reminded him, he is remorseful-I can't get past it, tho. Seems like if he gave a darn at all, he would not have done it-or ended it on his own at some poiint, rather than being so blatant recently that I caught him....I guess I feel a little whiny-stomping feet-its not fair, how could you, etc.

Epona

No-I don't deserve either the abuse or the affair, I'm clear on that. A 20 yr marriage, history, kids, grandkids, our little farm, the possibility that he will be able to grow and change have me hesitant to make an final choice re my AH right now. And-I am still very shaky inside-all we have been through-guess I thought at least some things were sacred.Silly me.
Can I make it ok? WHew-I have always been strong, but now am 50 yrs old, so yes but boy am I tired! Just trying to sort some things out...what has happened is def NOT ok-and he is begging for the "chance to make it up to me"

LifeRecovery

Epona-

I had been willing to live with the alcohol use for a long time.

It was my ex-husband's affair that actually got me into Al-anon (and it has helped me to heal from both). There are mixed feelings about if alcohol use/abuse and affairs are related but I do know that for me the way I felt about them was similar. There was denial, grief, chaos, confusion, and for a long time an emphasis on me trying to make it all "better." Al-anon has helped with all of that.

There are support sights out there for people experiencing affairs similar to SR for support around alcoholism....I have found them helpful.

I also did a lot of reading. Reading on alcoholism, reading on affairs. The following helped:
-Al-anon literature, especially "In All Our Affairs." (No pun intended)
-Anything by Janis Abrahms Spring (In All Our Affairs and How Can I Forgive You and the Freedom Not To)
-Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Neither situation is easy to deal with, and when you have them both together it can feel completely overwhelming.

Epona

Appreciate both responses so much. I've been on ALL the infidellity and marriage sites I could findin the last two weeks and am almost done w Shirley Glass. I should say I'm a Masters level social worker and thought I was pretty smart! Guess not when it's your own stuff HUh.

He is acting very contrite, listens to what I have to say (now) and responds w/0 yelling.,
asking me what I want or need. Time will tellbut how much time ? Or is this a "duh"moment I will look back on later?
I know u can't answer that. What about me, Anvil? THat is a good question. Kinda lost, unhappy. Empty. Angry.