Recovering husband had affair
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I just do not know/understand how anyone, regardless of the circumstance, be it an affair, or some other human injustice can go forward ( in a relationship) without forgiveness. Seems to me, it would all be meaningless motions, that continue to consume and bring you down. I would think it would be very dark and lonely. The anger and the pain would eat me alive........ leaving me no choice but to save myself. (again)
My wish and hope for you, remain peace and joy.
My wish and hope for you, remain peace and joy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: SC
Posts: 149
Perhaps I will get to forgiveness one day-I know I must if I don't want to live the rest of my life a bitter person, and I don't want that....learning that he continued to lie the last several months during "reconciliation" has been a huge setback towards rebuilding trust and getting to forgiveness.
Unfortunately , while he is making all the right "moves", the continued deceit has impacted my ability to believe what comes out of his mouth....how do you ever believe someone who tells you that they have told you everything, insists on it for months, lets you torture yourself with the questions and beg for the truth? And then, confirms what you suspected all along?
Unfortunately , while he is making all the right "moves", the continued deceit has impacted my ability to believe what comes out of his mouth....how do you ever believe someone who tells you that they have told you everything, insists on it for months, lets you torture yourself with the questions and beg for the truth? And then, confirms what you suspected all along?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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"the continued deceit has impacted my ability to believe what comes out of his mouth....how do you ever believe someone who tells you that they have told you everything, insists on it for months, lets you torture yourself with the questions and beg for the truth? And then, confirms what you suspected all along? " (Epona)
I think you have answered your own question here.
I think you have answered your own question here.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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speEpona~
I had something tragic happen to me almost 10 years ago. I literally survived it by the skin of my teeth. I don't know why it happened or why I survived. All I knew is that it was a senseless act of humanity bestowed upon me by my best friend who knew better.
I knew from the day I got off of life support that I would not forgive her and I went on for nearly 18 months living such an angry, unfulfilled, bitter life. I was mad, hurt and devistated that someone I loved, cared for and respected could do such a thing and ask me, * How can you throw a 10 year friendship away?* What?!
I went to bed and woke up everyday mad as he!!. It was affecting me and my blood turned to poison. When I bled, I bled pain and anger. Here I am, a shell of someone I used to be. I swear, she didn't kill my body but she took my soul to the depths of HE11 and she left me there.
My mother said, forgive her and I couldn't! How can you forgive someone for knowingly and dang near successfully ending your life? I felt it was impossible!
I am going to tell you though that it's not. I woke up angry and hurt again. Same sh!t different diaper. I was tired Epona. This had consumed me. I just wanted to be happy! I wanted God to take it away! I begged Him to help me for many days and nights. It seemed as though my Loving God who hears my deepest secrets i whisper to Him was ignoring me.
One day, I can't tell you when but I can tell you it was almost 2 years after the incident, God called me. I had this unbelievable urge to run to Him and have his blanket of LOVE cover me up and hold me. I felt I needed to run to church and I never made it but I didn't have to. I was already in the arms of my Savior and it felt so good. I fell to my knees in my bedroom and sobbed like His baby as He took all my grief, pain and anger and destroyed it that fast.
My God did something for me I thought and swore I'd never do in my lifetime and I forgave my a friend who was as close to me as a sister for almost killing me.
When you are tired of living with the anger that torments you, give it to God or your HIGHER POWER. You don't have to forget and you don't have to stay with the betrayer. I did not keep my friendship Epona but I wrote here and told her I forgive her. From that day on, my life was whole and I could finally look myself in the mirror and love who I am because I deserve it and YOU DO TOO!
I had something tragic happen to me almost 10 years ago. I literally survived it by the skin of my teeth. I don't know why it happened or why I survived. All I knew is that it was a senseless act of humanity bestowed upon me by my best friend who knew better.
I knew from the day I got off of life support that I would not forgive her and I went on for nearly 18 months living such an angry, unfulfilled, bitter life. I was mad, hurt and devistated that someone I loved, cared for and respected could do such a thing and ask me, * How can you throw a 10 year friendship away?* What?!
I went to bed and woke up everyday mad as he!!. It was affecting me and my blood turned to poison. When I bled, I bled pain and anger. Here I am, a shell of someone I used to be. I swear, she didn't kill my body but she took my soul to the depths of HE11 and she left me there.
My mother said, forgive her and I couldn't! How can you forgive someone for knowingly and dang near successfully ending your life? I felt it was impossible!
I am going to tell you though that it's not. I woke up angry and hurt again. Same sh!t different diaper. I was tired Epona. This had consumed me. I just wanted to be happy! I wanted God to take it away! I begged Him to help me for many days and nights. It seemed as though my Loving God who hears my deepest secrets i whisper to Him was ignoring me.
One day, I can't tell you when but I can tell you it was almost 2 years after the incident, God called me. I had this unbelievable urge to run to Him and have his blanket of LOVE cover me up and hold me. I felt I needed to run to church and I never made it but I didn't have to. I was already in the arms of my Savior and it felt so good. I fell to my knees in my bedroom and sobbed like His baby as He took all my grief, pain and anger and destroyed it that fast.
My God did something for me I thought and swore I'd never do in my lifetime and I forgave my a friend who was as close to me as a sister for almost killing me.
When you are tired of living with the anger that torments you, give it to God or your HIGHER POWER. You don't have to forget and you don't have to stay with the betrayer. I did not keep my friendship Epona but I wrote here and told her I forgive her. From that day on, my life was whole and I could finally look myself in the mirror and love who I am because I deserve it and YOU DO TOO!
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To me the lies were a new set of hurt. True healing did not start for me when I found out the initial time of my ex's affair, but when I found out the second time that they were back in touch. As a result the time frame for healing shifts. I won't ever know the whole truth about the drinking or the affair. That does not mean that I don't deserve to heal.
I am working on forgiveness (I am two years out). I found that beating myself up about the time it was taking was taking a lot out of me. Forgiveness is for me, and as long as I know I am working on it, that is all I can ask of myself. I am really feeling certain emotions for the first time. I have to feel and experience them to move forward. Just like an unused muscle it is uncomfortable and uncoordinated right now, but my ability to feel is getting stronger. All of this recovery is moving me toward forgiveness, and I have to trust in myself and the process.
An affair (and in my opinion the disease of addiction) impacts us in earth shifting ways. Just as it did not happen all at once, it won't heal all at once either.
Epona what kind of support are you getting around this?
I am working on forgiveness (I am two years out). I found that beating myself up about the time it was taking was taking a lot out of me. Forgiveness is for me, and as long as I know I am working on it, that is all I can ask of myself. I am really feeling certain emotions for the first time. I have to feel and experience them to move forward. Just like an unused muscle it is uncomfortable and uncoordinated right now, but my ability to feel is getting stronger. All of this recovery is moving me toward forgiveness, and I have to trust in myself and the process.
An affair (and in my opinion the disease of addiction) impacts us in earth shifting ways. Just as it did not happen all at once, it won't heal all at once either.
Epona what kind of support are you getting around this?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: SC
Posts: 149
I have some very good Christian female friends that are a great support, as well as my stepdad who is a retired psychologist. I actually was told by my IC that I did not need counseling-I think she was not able to be effective b/c I am a peer, and, frankly, I don't think she had much if any training in marriage counseling/infidelity issues. Nice lady, but....Otehr than some empathy from the IC , I've gotten more from Shirley Glass, Peggy Vaugh, the SI forum, this forum, Janis Abrahms, Mira Kirschenbaum....
Mira Kirschenbaum-two great books- "Too Good to leave, TOO bad to stay"
and "I love you but I don't trust you" great books I continue to re-read....
always get something else I can use or wasn't ready to hear when I go back to them
Mira Kirschenbaum-two great books- "Too Good to leave, TOO bad to stay"
and "I love you but I don't trust you" great books I continue to re-read....
always get something else I can use or wasn't ready to hear when I go back to them
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I just read by Mira that I did not get alot out of, and frankly found really contradictory so I had not braved into other ones. I am grateful to hear others have been helpful. The other ones though I got a lot out of also.
I have experienced that professional conflict issue in the past (not with the affair). I found that doing phone work when the person I was working with did not know me (and was a long ways away) helped more than not getting any support with that. I have not needed my individual counselor to be versed in marriage issues (my MC did however, and that helped a lot). I needed her to just be there for me to rage, cry etc, and for me that was enough.
I am glad you have some support in place, I have been concerned about that.
I am really finding that two-five years that they talk about on SI to be true. I am coming up on 2.5 years from initially finding out, just shy of two years from divorce etc. I have stopped feeling bad recently, but have yet to have really turned that corner to feeling good.
The alcohol has been much harder for me to deal with then the affair however. It has taken me a long time to seperate out what is mine and what is not with alcohol....the affair was much more straightforward in that regard.
I have experienced that professional conflict issue in the past (not with the affair). I found that doing phone work when the person I was working with did not know me (and was a long ways away) helped more than not getting any support with that. I have not needed my individual counselor to be versed in marriage issues (my MC did however, and that helped a lot). I needed her to just be there for me to rage, cry etc, and for me that was enough.
I am glad you have some support in place, I have been concerned about that.
I am really finding that two-five years that they talk about on SI to be true. I am coming up on 2.5 years from initially finding out, just shy of two years from divorce etc. I have stopped feeling bad recently, but have yet to have really turned that corner to feeling good.
The alcohol has been much harder for me to deal with then the affair however. It has taken me a long time to seperate out what is mine and what is not with alcohol....the affair was much more straightforward in that regard.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Originally Posted by Epona 
Hi all-
New here and need some support, help! Short version-marrried almost 20 yrs. Husband quit drinking 6/11, after he took overdose of prescribed pain meds. Prior to quitting drinking he was very mean to all of us, angry outbursts, destroyng property, etc. He went to see a counselor a few times after he put down the bottle.
At the time we had his son and 3 kids staying w/us-due to son and his wife splitting up. They were here a year and a half and got their own place in 8/11.
After they moved out, we had a lot to get caught up on on our place-we have small farm and both work fulltime. No money for extras, just getting by but we both love this place-we hunted for it a year and have been here almost 6 yrs.
Fast forwardto two weeks ago-I found out that he began an affair in Oct 11.
He was sorry, he said. He did comply w my telling him no more contact w her .I was/am devastated....
But while he said he was sorry, he also said he did it bc "he was lonely, I did not act like I liked him" (so it was really my fault) and he found someone who told him what a good person he is.
It was not until a few days ago when he was still riding his high horse, that I reminded him how ****** he was to me the past few years when he drank so much, that it "opened his eyes' and he could see why I was not all over him with joy and that he had never said he was sorry for putting me through the wringer, or appreciated that while I was dedicated to the family, he was "absent."
Of the many thoughts in my head right now-I keep wondering-could he really not recall the way he was? I guess I could see it if he was in an alcohol fog-but he had the affair after he was sober for 6 months....
really hurting....
Epona
New here and need some support, help! Short version-marrried almost 20 yrs. Husband quit drinking 6/11, after he took overdose of prescribed pain meds. Prior to quitting drinking he was very mean to all of us, angry outbursts, destroyng property, etc. He went to see a counselor a few times after he put down the bottle.
At the time we had his son and 3 kids staying w/us-due to son and his wife splitting up. They were here a year and a half and got their own place in 8/11.
After they moved out, we had a lot to get caught up on on our place-we have small farm and both work fulltime. No money for extras, just getting by but we both love this place-we hunted for it a year and have been here almost 6 yrs.
Fast forwardto two weeks ago-I found out that he began an affair in Oct 11.
He was sorry, he said. He did comply w my telling him no more contact w her .I was/am devastated....
But while he said he was sorry, he also said he did it bc "he was lonely, I did not act like I liked him" (so it was really my fault) and he found someone who told him what a good person he is.
It was not until a few days ago when he was still riding his high horse, that I reminded him how ****** he was to me the past few years when he drank so much, that it "opened his eyes' and he could see why I was not all over him with joy and that he had never said he was sorry for putting me through the wringer, or appreciated that while I was dedicated to the family, he was "absent."
Of the many thoughts in my head right now-I keep wondering-could he really not recall the way he was? I guess I could see it if he was in an alcohol fog-but he had the affair after he was sober for 6 months....
really hurting....
Epona
i know this because my ah too had gotten violent....he can be an angry drunk and he too has said hurtful inapropriate things and broken things of mine no less .
this is why my name is this lonely girl. i am lonely but you know what? i have never cheated on my ah even though i have caught him with a woman.. on many occasions gone all day just to come home drunk and saying hurtful nast nasty things to me...the ammount of lonely i felt , the amount of pain i dealt with because of him is too much for any sane person. why i stayed is beyond me but in the end i didnt sink to a low because I wanted my relationship to work. I wanted him to get better. your rah has work to do for himself....i see though that since he was upfront with you and since he has lost contact with her that he is working on sobreity because sobreity isnt just getting rid of the addiction it is getting rid of the addicted mind.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Yeah, the "I was lonely" defense. A bunch of crap. Sorry for being so blunt, but it made and still makes me angry to have that thrown in my face and yours.
This may be weird, but I had much more trouble dealing with the affair than with the relapse to drinking. I always knew that relapse was a risk for a RA, but I NEVER thought he'd lie to me. Then he did, again and again. Outright lies, half-truths. He actually said, "I am not going to discuss that with you," when I wanted to know exactly what occurred sexually. I am still amazed and angry that he got on a moral high horse about his so-called privacy about something that directly affected my health. He was probably wasn't wrong about not sharing details but the basics I truly believe I have a right to know.
The drinking he hid, but didn't lie about when I asked him straight-up. The girl, not so much. Bottom line is that they had choices, and they chose to behave this way instead of dealing with the problems with their wives. We don't own that.
This may be weird, but I had much more trouble dealing with the affair than with the relapse to drinking. I always knew that relapse was a risk for a RA, but I NEVER thought he'd lie to me. Then he did, again and again. Outright lies, half-truths. He actually said, "I am not going to discuss that with you," when I wanted to know exactly what occurred sexually. I am still amazed and angry that he got on a moral high horse about his so-called privacy about something that directly affected my health. He was probably wasn't wrong about not sharing details but the basics I truly believe I have a right to know.
The drinking he hid, but didn't lie about when I asked him straight-up. The girl, not so much. Bottom line is that they had choices, and they chose to behave this way instead of dealing with the problems with their wives. We don't own that.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: SC
Posts: 149
I just wanted to check in, don't want to leave anyone who was following hanging and I hope everyone had a pleasant holiday.
I had a revision-plastic surgery-to revise the hole in my nose from the cancer surgery. WHy do they call it plastic surgery? They don't use plastic??? Anyway-it got infected-don't now how-I'm religiuos about wound care-but anyway,, here I am, infection cleared, waiting for skin flap on nose to reduce swelling.
RAH continues to be be remorseful and trying to make amends. We are going to church together. He hasn't had a relapse-with either the bottle or the OW. Got a new job-no more triggers from his workplace! He appears to be in tune with me when I am in pain-he can pick it up without my saying a word and drops whatever to talk with me. I know that is as it should be-but the trickle truth-wow-it really sux.
But, I do love this man, we have a long history together, and I'm willing to see how it goes. My same basic rules apply-no drinking, no ow's, no suicidal ideations. I'm really not concerend about the last two happening at all. I was worried about the holidays as far as him drinking-but he said he is enjoying feeling things now, he was numb for so long. He also found out that his Dad cheated on his Mom-she told him this when he recently told her what had been going with us.
We have long discussions about all aspects of ourselves, the affair, and I continue to put a little away in my private account every month, just in case. Never will I not have a safety net again-money, the knowledge I continue to gain through this-about me, about relationships
I still am triggered now and again, I still cry sometimes....I can never forget what has occurred, but everyday that goes by that my husband grows, I grow, and we make new memories
I am more hopeful. Not over it-by a long shot-but in a much better position now.
All the best in the New Year-
I had a revision-plastic surgery-to revise the hole in my nose from the cancer surgery. WHy do they call it plastic surgery? They don't use plastic??? Anyway-it got infected-don't now how-I'm religiuos about wound care-but anyway,, here I am, infection cleared, waiting for skin flap on nose to reduce swelling.
RAH continues to be be remorseful and trying to make amends. We are going to church together. He hasn't had a relapse-with either the bottle or the OW. Got a new job-no more triggers from his workplace! He appears to be in tune with me when I am in pain-he can pick it up without my saying a word and drops whatever to talk with me. I know that is as it should be-but the trickle truth-wow-it really sux.
But, I do love this man, we have a long history together, and I'm willing to see how it goes. My same basic rules apply-no drinking, no ow's, no suicidal ideations. I'm really not concerend about the last two happening at all. I was worried about the holidays as far as him drinking-but he said he is enjoying feeling things now, he was numb for so long. He also found out that his Dad cheated on his Mom-she told him this when he recently told her what had been going with us.
We have long discussions about all aspects of ourselves, the affair, and I continue to put a little away in my private account every month, just in case. Never will I not have a safety net again-money, the knowledge I continue to gain through this-about me, about relationships
I still am triggered now and again, I still cry sometimes....I can never forget what has occurred, but everyday that goes by that my husband grows, I grow, and we make new memories
I am more hopeful. Not over it-by a long shot-but in a much better position now.
All the best in the New Year-
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