Recovering husband had affair
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Epona))) - betrayal hurts, no two ways about it. I agree with ((EnglishGarden))) - is there somewhere else you can go? I know, in my early days of recovery, I was deeply hurt at things I "found out" one way or another.
I still live with my dysfunctional family, but I've learned about boundaries, I've learned that there are times I need to get out of this house, work, take a ride, crank up the stereo, etc. I've learned that I can always come here, and there is someone who "gets" where I'm at, there is someone who will listen...offer ES&H, etc. I may not always be willing to DO what is suggested, at that time, but I've found that the seeds were planted in my brain, and when I WAS ready, I had a lot of people who had been-there-done-that to support me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I still live with my dysfunctional family, but I've learned about boundaries, I've learned that there are times I need to get out of this house, work, take a ride, crank up the stereo, etc. I've learned that I can always come here, and there is someone who "gets" where I'm at, there is someone who will listen...offer ES&H, etc. I may not always be willing to DO what is suggested, at that time, but I've found that the seeds were planted in my brain, and when I WAS ready, I had a lot of people who had been-there-done-that to support me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I found out the day I was heading home for the first time in two years. I was supposed to be gone for three weeks. Due to the nature of the situation I took my trip but did not go home.
I did three solid weeks of whatever I needed to. Cry, vent, lots of counseling, lots of baths, lots of support. It was truly a blessing in that sense that I found out when I did.
I started Al-anon (finally) about 24 hrs afterwards.
I was still an absolute MESS for the next year. I struggled to focus, with emotions, with self-care.
Of course you are having a rough time, this is foundation shifting stuff....like your own personal earthquake.
I did three solid weeks of whatever I needed to. Cry, vent, lots of counseling, lots of baths, lots of support. It was truly a blessing in that sense that I found out when I did.
I started Al-anon (finally) about 24 hrs afterwards.
I was still an absolute MESS for the next year. I struggled to focus, with emotions, with self-care.
Of course you are having a rough time, this is foundation shifting stuff....like your own personal earthquake.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Florence 
Ah Christ. I've been torn up since the baby was born over his BS through the pregnancy and while I was trying to recover from the C-section (a fine time to relapse, apparently, leaving me to recover from major surgery on my own with a newborn). Now that he's sober, everyone is pressuring me to let it go and move on, but for me it's less about bygones and more about water under the bridge and whether there's been too much of it. Sure, he's sober, but it feels like too little too late. He's sober and I'm still lonely and miserable. Now what?
He never said he was sorry.
Yeah, I was still lonely and miserable.
Now what?
I think you have some decisions to make, because it is too little too late.
You deserve so much more. Much much more. And so does your little angel.
:ghug3
Beth
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Please stop trying to diagnose him. It might drive you insane.
I thought it would help me "understand"... But all I was really looking for was a good excuse for him, to explain why he treated me badly.
It doesn't matter why.
I thought it would help me "understand"... But all I was really looking for was a good excuse for him, to explain why he treated me badly.
It doesn't matter why.
Wow, you sound very sure and confidant Buffalo!
How cool is that?
:ghug3
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: SC
Posts: 149
THank you allfor your continuing support. If anyone leaves ,it would be him. I can't trust that he would consistently feed and water the pets and livestock. I have to go behind him now as it is. The good thing is, he will begone all day today and tomorrow working. It's a big weekend at the big box homeimprovement store he works for.
I am mowing and weedwhacking today, which is therapeutic for me.
Oh and last night he said he cheatedb/c he needed to "see if I (he) still had it"
My response was, so you used her, too, for your ego, and me for room and board! very nice-you are a selfish, heartless b**tard.
And then I went to bed. I don't like to fight, but saying what I thought,, no holds barred, felt good.
I am mowing and weedwhacking today, which is therapeutic for me.
Oh and last night he said he cheatedb/c he needed to "see if I (he) still had it"
My response was, so you used her, too, for your ego, and me for room and board! very nice-you are a selfish, heartless b**tard.
And then I went to bed. I don't like to fight, but saying what I thought,, no holds barred, felt good.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
oh, epona, I am sorry, I left the sight for a minute, and got distracted by (of all things) bigfoot.
And, you were absolutely right, he used another woman to make sure all his parts work?
What a wanker!
Epona, this is tough stuff, and I am so sorry I can only give you virtual hugs.
:ghug3
Have you tried the chat room?
And then I went to bed. I don't like to fight, but saying what I thought,, no holds barred, felt good.
What a wanker!
Epona, this is tough stuff, and I am so sorry I can only give you virtual hugs.
:ghug3
Have you tried the chat room?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Dr. Phil says when someone shows you who they are- believe them! I got better when I started seeing how it really was and not how I wanted it to be. I wanted the white picket fence. I didn't get it- but now 5 yrs. post divorce I am fine. I am so much better off without the lies, chaos and someone else's craziness.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Epona))) - though I haven't posted lately, you remain in my prayers. Betrayal hurts, there's no two ways about it. I dealt with it with my XABF#1, ended up using drugs (and getting addicted) to deal with it.
Today? He couldn't handle the person I am, because I KNOW that I deserve better than what he had to offer. He was the man I begged to hit me because I thought I'd get over the aches/pains/bruises faster than the emotional abuse.
It's only by coming here, working on both my addiction and codie recoveries, that I realize he's really sick. Yep, we've been apart for 10+ years, he's married and guess what....he's still as dysfunctional as he was when I was with him.
Hang in there, sweetie. It takes time to realize the value of YOUR life, but you will get there
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Today? He couldn't handle the person I am, because I KNOW that I deserve better than what he had to offer. He was the man I begged to hit me because I thought I'd get over the aches/pains/bruises faster than the emotional abuse.
It's only by coming here, working on both my addiction and codie recoveries, that I realize he's really sick. Yep, we've been apart for 10+ years, he's married and guess what....he's still as dysfunctional as he was when I was with him.
Hang in there, sweetie. It takes time to realize the value of YOUR life, but you will get there
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
To heal from a wound you often have to dig into all the gross puss and hurt that keeps it from closing and healing.
Not that you need that visual in the moment.
Be gentle you are in an untenable situation....
Not that you need that visual in the moment.
Be gentle you are in an untenable situation....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Epona,
Just wanted to send you a big hug of support.
It's been over 20 years since I traveled the path that you are in today.
All I am going to say: whether you decide to stay or leave, I am certain you will make the right decision for YOU. This is no longer about "him" or "us". It's about you.
We are hear and listening.
Be well, my friend.
Just wanted to send you a big hug of support.
It's been over 20 years since I traveled the path that you are in today.
All I am going to say: whether you decide to stay or leave, I am certain you will make the right decision for YOU. This is no longer about "him" or "us". It's about you.
We are hear and listening.
Be well, my friend.
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