I Think I'm a Bizarre Case
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 4
I Think I'm a Bizarre Case
New here! I've never met another alcoholic quite like me, and I'm wondering if there are many others like me.
I've never had problems with overconsumption in one sitting — I've never blacked-out, never driven drunk, and it's never cost me anything.
It started when I turned 21 (almost a year ago) and suddenly it was all available to me. I could get alcohol whenever. I think it started as me using it as a sleep aid, and then sometimes I'd think it was fun to take a shot before class or before my work. I never got drunk unless it was at a party or with friends. I just enjoyed a light buzz — too much.
Eventually, I was drinking 14 drinks per day. But they were always spaced out by like an hour or so, and like I said, I was never drunk. Completely functional. I held down 2 jobs (for a total of 35 hours/week) and 16 credits of classes, and I'm a Biology major, so that's not easy — and I'm a straight-A student.
I knew there was an issue the first time I experienced withdrawal. Naïvely, I didn't think alcohol withdrawal existed. (Duh...!) I hadn't had any negative feedback whatsoever — I was rewarded for my insane drinking with 35 hours per week at my jobs (and being told I was their favorite student worker) and straight As in difficult science courses. I'd take my alcohol with me everywhere I went in a little water bottle — especially once it hit me that the tremors I had been feeling were alcohol withdrawal.
Anyway, I went to my psychiatrist that I already had and successfully tapered off using Librium as a safety measure.
I just feel weird. I know I'm alcoholic because there's no reason to be drinking at such inappropriate times, and it's not okay to be concerned about whether I have alcohol on my person at all times. And somewhere in my mind, I know that even one drink could remind me of that awesome buzz I loved so much and set me back on that track again. Kind of sucks when you're in college, but I can't risk it.
Is anyone else out there like me or know someone like me? Sometimes I feel like a lot of the stuff other recovered alcoholics advise and say doesn't really apply to me, or at least doesn't relate to my personal experience. They're like oh, do you wanna get blacked out/crash your car/lose your job again? Eh.... none of those things even came close to happening...
Sometimes I feel like I'm more fragile than they are because I've had almost zero negative feedback. Life practically *rewarded* me for it. Of course I know that's not the case
Abstinence is my plan at least for the next few months (or forever) to extinguish the pattern I developed.
So yeah. I think I'm weird. :P Anyway, this forum seems like a sweet resource.
I've never had problems with overconsumption in one sitting — I've never blacked-out, never driven drunk, and it's never cost me anything.
It started when I turned 21 (almost a year ago) and suddenly it was all available to me. I could get alcohol whenever. I think it started as me using it as a sleep aid, and then sometimes I'd think it was fun to take a shot before class or before my work. I never got drunk unless it was at a party or with friends. I just enjoyed a light buzz — too much.
Eventually, I was drinking 14 drinks per day. But they were always spaced out by like an hour or so, and like I said, I was never drunk. Completely functional. I held down 2 jobs (for a total of 35 hours/week) and 16 credits of classes, and I'm a Biology major, so that's not easy — and I'm a straight-A student.
I knew there was an issue the first time I experienced withdrawal. Naïvely, I didn't think alcohol withdrawal existed. (Duh...!) I hadn't had any negative feedback whatsoever — I was rewarded for my insane drinking with 35 hours per week at my jobs (and being told I was their favorite student worker) and straight As in difficult science courses. I'd take my alcohol with me everywhere I went in a little water bottle — especially once it hit me that the tremors I had been feeling were alcohol withdrawal.
Anyway, I went to my psychiatrist that I already had and successfully tapered off using Librium as a safety measure.
I just feel weird. I know I'm alcoholic because there's no reason to be drinking at such inappropriate times, and it's not okay to be concerned about whether I have alcohol on my person at all times. And somewhere in my mind, I know that even one drink could remind me of that awesome buzz I loved so much and set me back on that track again. Kind of sucks when you're in college, but I can't risk it.
Is anyone else out there like me or know someone like me? Sometimes I feel like a lot of the stuff other recovered alcoholics advise and say doesn't really apply to me, or at least doesn't relate to my personal experience. They're like oh, do you wanna get blacked out/crash your car/lose your job again? Eh.... none of those things even came close to happening...
Sometimes I feel like I'm more fragile than they are because I've had almost zero negative feedback. Life practically *rewarded* me for it. Of course I know that's not the case
Abstinence is my plan at least for the next few months (or forever) to extinguish the pattern I developed. So yeah. I think I'm weird. :P Anyway, this forum seems like a sweet resource.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome,
I can't identify completely with your use of alcohol, but I can definitely identify with your obsession and fascination with drinking. When I was drinking I would drink constantly as well, but I drank to the point of being drunk most of the time.
I never had a dui, lost a job or any of that either, but I do know that my drinking has kept me from achieving a lot of things and kept me emotionally distant from those people that are important to me.
I can't identify completely with your use of alcohol, but I can definitely identify with your obsession and fascination with drinking. When I was drinking I would drink constantly as well, but I drank to the point of being drunk most of the time.
I never had a dui, lost a job or any of that either, but I do know that my drinking has kept me from achieving a lot of things and kept me emotionally distant from those people that are important to me.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome,
I can't identify completely with your use of alcohol, but I can definitely identify with your obsession and fascination with drinking. When I was drinking I would drink constantly as well, but I drank to the point of being drunk most of the time.
I never had a dui, lost a job or any of that either, but I do know that my drinking has kept me from achieving a lot of things and kept me emotionally distant from those people that are important to me.
I can't identify completely with your use of alcohol, but I can definitely identify with your obsession and fascination with drinking. When I was drinking I would drink constantly as well, but I drank to the point of being drunk most of the time.
I never had a dui, lost a job or any of that either, but I do know that my drinking has kept me from achieving a lot of things and kept me emotionally distant from those people that are important to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
If you drink all the time then you are drunk all the time. It took me 25 years to see that. You are lucky to have figured out the deal at such a young age. You may save yourself from wasting a lot of time and money.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by mxxx 
I've never had problems with overconsumption in one sitting — I've never blacked-out, never driven drunk, and it's never cost me anything.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
I did not have consiquences either. until it started around 30-39 when it all went down hill . Due to being full addicted. I drank day and night to simply survive. Some people never get that way some take longer some shorter.
And nope your not bizzare or unique in this addiction.
Welcome this is a sweet place great support.
And nope your not bizzare or unique in this addiction.
Welcome
this is a sweet place great support. Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
Gaffo - I'm trying a new approach because I have noticed that sarcasm has never worked with the younger folks who have tried to use this site. Before being explicit, let me say how impressive and admirable it is that at your age, you have the maturity and foresight to try and tackle this issue head on - you even went to seek medical help. Bravo, and keep it up!!!!
Now - as to your weirdness and how it relates to me. I will take two approaches - a) point you to directly to posts I have started that will show you just how weird and unique your alcoholism is, and b) cut and paste responses to other posts that will further show you how strange. I will say this, you will find that many people on this forum can do the exact same. And finally - the only reason I am doing this is to hopefully show you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE IN COMPANY THAT TOTALLY GETS IT, AND TOGETHER WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER.
Whole Thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...incidence.html
Whole Thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3226800
Relevant Sections of My First Post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3209211
...I'm 3 weeks sober tomorrow into my first attempt. Although I will make every effort to justify why i'm a different kind of drunk, i will concede that every story i read leads me to believe that not only am i not unique, i'm pretty much text book.
....By any stretch of the imagination, i have lived a charmed life - financially very secure, wonderful family, incredible friends, and wonderful community. That said, i have been plagued with huge anxieties and fears of failure...oddly probably a significant contributor to my life's successes, but also the cause of most of my sleepless nights. Somehow in the last few years, i not only figured out how to hold my liquor, but also how well it put me to sleep at night. I also learned how much people like to party with me when i'm supplying and consuming the liquor.
....Up until three weeks ago, i had graduated to daily consumption of between 3 - 4 glasses of wine (substitute wine for scotch or beer or rum, or whatever). While not toxic by any stretch, certainly enough to give you the morning grog. I guess i have been fortunate enough to be quite active in the mornings, going out for a 6 mile run or 25 mile bike ride every day.
....By the grace of god, i think i may have only crossed the line in words with my wife twice, and have suffered not a single repercussion socially and/or professionally.
....In my three weeks of sobriety i have also had much time to self-evaluate. The very reason of my drinking was to quiet my brain so i could sleep peacefully (5 days a week anyway, the other 2 were just to party). What i have learned in the last 3 weeks though is that i merely deferred my angst to the morning, and compounded 5 fold because of my insecurities of what transpired the night before, or what i deferred. Funny enough - exactly what i thought liquor was doing, it in fact was exacerbating.
Relevant Post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3215145
....Now here is the big BUT....I also believed that i was different than all you drunks. I also believed that my will power was unparalleled - hell I woke up 4 weeks ago and decided enough is enough. I also believed that because i haven't had any real negative consequence arise out of alcohol - either family wise, professionally or socially (hell quite the contrary), that i was just participating in this little skit because it was passing my time - kind of like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Then i started reading posts, and have come to learn, that not only am i not unique, i am exactly following the drunks path. Every time i thought i was different, somebody defined my life in a few sentences. So either me and the poster are the only two non-alcoholics on this forum, or in fact I am a blazing drunk alcoholic!! I don't believe in coincidence, and seeing as over 300 posts that i have read all exactly describe me - well, i think i'm an alcoholic.
Relevant Post**This Was All About Me***: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3262757
Here is how I knew:
(Consumption = 3/4 glasses of wine per weeknight, much more on weekend)
1. I was waking up every morning feeling groggy and spent...
2. Short term memory was fading fast
3. If I didn't get my wine by five PM....watch out for moody me
4. Consistently saw the glass half empty even when any given situation may have been totally full (ran the nyc marathon in November and did great....was not happy and picked a fight with wife while I was sober that night)
5. My resentment hit an all time high. Everybody was out to get me, everybody was getting away with murder, and only I was the righteous one
6. Everyday tasks started to under perform. Avid bike rider, started getting scared on downhills and with traffic.
Foundation:
1. 37 and live in nyc
2. Graduated undergrad and grad from top nyc university (deans list / 3rd in my MBA class)
3. No money problems, actually the opposite. Allowed me to further lie to myself because what alcoholic drinks fine wine and scotch
4. Run 6 - 10 miles daily for 3 years and serious road cyclist
Facts:
1. Alcoholic tried and true
2. Sober today and for last 60+ days
3. Not one activity in my life is not vastly better sober!
Now - as to your weirdness and how it relates to me. I will take two approaches - a) point you to directly to posts I have started that will show you just how weird and unique your alcoholism is, and b) cut and paste responses to other posts that will further show you how strange. I will say this, you will find that many people on this forum can do the exact same. And finally - the only reason I am doing this is to hopefully show you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE IN COMPANY THAT TOTALLY GETS IT, AND TOGETHER WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER.
Whole Thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...incidence.html
Whole Thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3226800
Relevant Sections of My First Post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3209211
...I'm 3 weeks sober tomorrow into my first attempt. Although I will make every effort to justify why i'm a different kind of drunk, i will concede that every story i read leads me to believe that not only am i not unique, i'm pretty much text book.
....By any stretch of the imagination, i have lived a charmed life - financially very secure, wonderful family, incredible friends, and wonderful community. That said, i have been plagued with huge anxieties and fears of failure...oddly probably a significant contributor to my life's successes, but also the cause of most of my sleepless nights. Somehow in the last few years, i not only figured out how to hold my liquor, but also how well it put me to sleep at night. I also learned how much people like to party with me when i'm supplying and consuming the liquor.
....Up until three weeks ago, i had graduated to daily consumption of between 3 - 4 glasses of wine (substitute wine for scotch or beer or rum, or whatever). While not toxic by any stretch, certainly enough to give you the morning grog. I guess i have been fortunate enough to be quite active in the mornings, going out for a 6 mile run or 25 mile bike ride every day.
....By the grace of god, i think i may have only crossed the line in words with my wife twice, and have suffered not a single repercussion socially and/or professionally.
....In my three weeks of sobriety i have also had much time to self-evaluate. The very reason of my drinking was to quiet my brain so i could sleep peacefully (5 days a week anyway, the other 2 were just to party). What i have learned in the last 3 weeks though is that i merely deferred my angst to the morning, and compounded 5 fold because of my insecurities of what transpired the night before, or what i deferred. Funny enough - exactly what i thought liquor was doing, it in fact was exacerbating.
Relevant Post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3215145
....Now here is the big BUT....I also believed that i was different than all you drunks. I also believed that my will power was unparalleled - hell I woke up 4 weeks ago and decided enough is enough. I also believed that because i haven't had any real negative consequence arise out of alcohol - either family wise, professionally or socially (hell quite the contrary), that i was just participating in this little skit because it was passing my time - kind of like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Then i started reading posts, and have come to learn, that not only am i not unique, i am exactly following the drunks path. Every time i thought i was different, somebody defined my life in a few sentences. So either me and the poster are the only two non-alcoholics on this forum, or in fact I am a blazing drunk alcoholic!! I don't believe in coincidence, and seeing as over 300 posts that i have read all exactly describe me - well, i think i'm an alcoholic.
Relevant Post**This Was All About Me***: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3262757
Here is how I knew:
(Consumption = 3/4 glasses of wine per weeknight, much more on weekend)
1. I was waking up every morning feeling groggy and spent...
2. Short term memory was fading fast
3. If I didn't get my wine by five PM....watch out for moody me
4. Consistently saw the glass half empty even when any given situation may have been totally full (ran the nyc marathon in November and did great....was not happy and picked a fight with wife while I was sober that night)
5. My resentment hit an all time high. Everybody was out to get me, everybody was getting away with murder, and only I was the righteous one
6. Everyday tasks started to under perform. Avid bike rider, started getting scared on downhills and with traffic.
Foundation:
1. 37 and live in nyc
2. Graduated undergrad and grad from top nyc university (deans list / 3rd in my MBA class)
3. No money problems, actually the opposite. Allowed me to further lie to myself because what alcoholic drinks fine wine and scotch
4. Run 6 - 10 miles daily for 3 years and serious road cyclist
Facts:
1. Alcoholic tried and true
2. Sober today and for last 60+ days
3. Not one activity in my life is not vastly better sober!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi mxxx
I used to drink like that - I think a lot of people do - just enough for a permanent buzz but never quite enough to alert others, unless they know you well....
After a few years of that I lost the ability to know which side of the 'pleasant buzz/obviously drunk' line was I on, so I think you're wise to quit before you reach that point.
Welcome to SR
D
I used to drink like that - I think a lot of people do - just enough for a permanent buzz but never quite enough to alert others, unless they know you well....
After a few years of that I lost the ability to know which side of the 'pleasant buzz/obviously drunk' line was I on, so I think you're wise to quit before you reach that point.
Welcome to SR
D
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I was definitely like you, but I didn't space my drinks an hour apart, if I did, I wasn't drinking 14 a day (that's a LOT of alcohol at your age). All of those "not yets" of what you have yet to do, WILL come true if you choose to drink again. I've experienced it and I've witnessed that.
Keep staying stopped and you will never have to experience those things.
Peace,
Keep staying stopped and you will never have to experience those things.
Peace,
...than never
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 152
I worked with an older guy (facility chief) whom everyone knew drank a little bit all day long. Never roaring drunk, but never quite all there either. One day he fell asleep with his pickup truck parked across the railroad tracks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hyper-emotional State
Posts: 23
Welcome mxxx. I can relate to your story. Although alcohol was not my DOC, I was also working crazy hours while under the influence and felt that it made me a better worker. I felt unstoppable. I could work 50-60 hrs a week! I could never have done that without my drug. Like you, I checked myself when I realized that I was going through physical withdrawal when I wasn't using. I was able to avoid any of the traditional consequences. I ended up quitting my job voluntarily. I also broke the hearts of my family members.
I know if I had kept using, much much worse could have happened. I could be dead now.
I understand how you are struggling to wrap your brain around the whole alcoholic thing because your circumstances are unusual. But alcoholism is a progressive disease and I can promise you that if you continue to drink you will suffer consequences.
But I give you alot of credit because you had the intellect to realize you had a problem before it got to the point of no return. Good for you! Not all addicts & alcoholics have to "hit rock bottom". I don't like that term because the real only true rock bottom is death.
I'm glad you are here and thank-you for sharing.
I know if I had kept using, much much worse could have happened. I could be dead now.
I understand how you are struggling to wrap your brain around the whole alcoholic thing because your circumstances are unusual. But alcoholism is a progressive disease and I can promise you that if you continue to drink you will suffer consequences.
But I give you alot of credit because you had the intellect to realize you had a problem before it got to the point of no return. Good for you! Not all addicts & alcoholics have to "hit rock bottom". I don't like that term because the real only true rock bottom is death.
I'm glad you are here and thank-you for sharing.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by Sapling
You're 22...Give it some time. I had it all under control at your age too....I lost that...And everything else in my life. The fact that you are even looking at the situation you are in at that age is wonderful...I never did. It cost me. If you actually do something about it at that age .... would be more wonderful. That's up to you. I can't go back and fix my past. But you can save your future. Your call.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Alcoholism is progressive, at some point people can start losing their tolerance to alcohol and their functionality.
The middle stage of alcoholism can be very deceptive, as a lot of the time, the person feels able to hold their liquor, due to their increasing tolerance. But all the time they are becoming more dependent.
I think it's good you are becoming aware of this now. I can't really identify with your drinking pattern, but then I didn't fit what seemed to be the standard profile of an alcoholic in some ways either.
There was an English actress called Yootha Joyce, who eventually died from cirrhosis but was a successful TV actress until nearly her death. Her costars said that drinking never seemed to affect her performance, though she drank throughout the day. When watching her show, you would never think that she was under the influence. But it killed her at her peak.
The middle stage of alcoholism can be very deceptive, as a lot of the time, the person feels able to hold their liquor, due to their increasing tolerance. But all the time they are becoming more dependent.
I think it's good you are becoming aware of this now. I can't really identify with your drinking pattern, but then I didn't fit what seemed to be the standard profile of an alcoholic in some ways either.
There was an English actress called Yootha Joyce, who eventually died from cirrhosis but was a successful TV actress until nearly her death. Her costars said that drinking never seemed to affect her performance, though she drank throughout the day. When watching her show, you would never think that she was under the influence. But it killed her at her peak.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I think a lot of us think we're a 'special case' at some point. It sounds like you made a good decision to quit, from what you write it seems that you got pretty addicted to alcohol, like most of us here.
L'il fighter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Welcome, mxxx.
I, too, thought that I was different from most alcoholics. But after doing a lot of reading here about others and their experiences, I realized that there was far more in common than not.
Having said that, you are *extremely* fortunate that you have dealt with this at such a young age. You may feel that alcohol was rewarding you due to your achievements, but that was not the alcohol, that was YOU. Alcoholism is progressive, and your body and mind will deteriorate over time from the abuse. You may continue to be outwardly successful (i.e. job, relationship, material things) as a "functional" alcoholic, but you will find the issues associated with alcoholism becoming more and more problematic and severe over time.
I hope I wasn't sounding paternalistic or condescending. I just wish I had the foresight and emotional maturity that you obviously have.
I, too, thought that I was different from most alcoholics. But after doing a lot of reading here about others and their experiences, I realized that there was far more in common than not.
Having said that, you are *extremely* fortunate that you have dealt with this at such a young age. You may feel that alcohol was rewarding you due to your achievements, but that was not the alcohol, that was YOU. Alcoholism is progressive, and your body and mind will deteriorate over time from the abuse. You may continue to be outwardly successful (i.e. job, relationship, material things) as a "functional" alcoholic, but you will find the issues associated with alcoholism becoming more and more problematic and severe over time.
I hope I wasn't sounding paternalistic or condescending. I just wish I had the foresight and emotional maturity that you obviously have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone for your replies and helpful words. I'm really glad I quit even though nothing bad had necessarily happened. I think part of what scared me was reading about the potential brain damage and stuff. Also, I was tired of it controlling my life -- since I was so physically addicted, priority #1 was making sure alcohol was always available... I'm sure most of you can relate to that situation.
Reading all of this makes me glad to realize that I'm lucky that I only allowed it to continue for less than a year. Boy, did my habit escalate quickly! It's nice to know I'm really not so different after all and that we all can learn from each other.
Do I think I could possibly drink with friends and be fine? There's a slim chance. Is rolling the dice worth it? I don't think so. I don't think a night of fun drinking is worth that happening again. (Also... that was a really expensive habit). I have a small contingent of friends who know everything about my problem and are really supportive of me. I still go out sometimes but not without one of them to support me and discourage me from thinking I can drink again without the addiction coming roaring back. I just know it would. Maybe there's a 1% chance it wouldn't, but why play with fire, right?
Reading all of this makes me glad to realize that I'm lucky that I only allowed it to continue for less than a year. Boy, did my habit escalate quickly! It's nice to know I'm really not so different after all and that we all can learn from each other.
Do I think I could possibly drink with friends and be fine? There's a slim chance. Is rolling the dice worth it? I don't think so. I don't think a night of fun drinking is worth that happening again. (Also... that was a really expensive habit). I have a small contingent of friends who know everything about my problem and are really supportive of me. I still go out sometimes but not without one of them to support me and discourage me from thinking I can drink again without the addiction coming roaring back. I just know it would. Maybe there's a 1% chance it wouldn't, but why play with fire, right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 4
Yeah, my fear of that is what keeps me away from it. It's just not worth it, and this thread reaffirms my belief that it's not worth it. Not worth even trying to moderate. I think I've conclusively proven to myself that I cannot be moderate. I'd have to be crazy to even risk it happening again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
