My First Attempt - Rationalizing into a Circular Reference
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
My First Attempt - Rationalizing into a Circular Reference
I'm 3 weeks sober tomorrow into my first attempt. Although I will make every effort to justify why i'm a different kind of drunk, i will concede that every story i read leads me to believe that not only am i not unique, i'm pretty much text book.
My drinking career has only flourished over the last 5 years. Prior to that, i could barely hold down a beer without puking. In a recent conversation with one of my closest childhood friends, who also happens to be an age old recovered alcoholic - he referred to my high school drinking attempts as cute.
By any stretch of the imagination, i have lived a charmed life - financially very secure, wonderful family, incredible friends, and wonderful community. That said, i have been plagued with huge anxieties and fears of failure...oddly probably a significant contributor to my life's successes, but also the cause of most of my sleepless nights. Somehow in the last few years, i not only figured out how to hold my liquor, but also how well it put me to sleep at night. I also learned how much people like to party with me when i'm supplying and consuming the liquor.
Up until three weeks ago, i had graduated to daily consumption of between 3 - 4 glasses of wine (substitute wine for scotch or beer or rum, or whatever). While not toxic by any stretch, certainly enough to give you the morning grog. I guess i have been fortunate enough to be quite active in the mornings, going out for a 6 mile run or 25 mile bike ride every day. Needless to say this has been a "cheat" in acknowledging my problem. I also in the last five years have experienced a few key emotions / leading "drunk" indicators: Regret about things i've said while buzzed (a.k.a. hammered), fear because i can't remember when i crossed the line the night before, and yes, there has been occasional property damage (nothing violent, all accidental).
By the grace of god, i think i may have only crossed the line in words with my wife twice, and have suffered not a single repercussion socially and/or professionally. That said, my mood and satisfaction with life in the last 2 years has been utterly depressing despite all my apparent god given privileges. Most of all, my tell tale sign - deep anger and resentment of almost every family member and friend except for my immediate family. The kind that only the most self righteous of judgement can produce, that very same kind that is singularly fueled by liquor.
Three saturday's ago - i downed almost 1.75 bottles of single malt scotch with a friend......i have come a long way baby from puking on the taste of alcohol. I was filled with absolute terror that following Sunday -a) because i had no idea i could drink that much, b) because i woke up fairly fine without the slightest hint of a headache - I learned a few years back that a 50/50 mix of liquor and water all but eliminates the headache; c) I had very limited recollection of the night before. That Sunday night i downloaded the big book and started reading stories about alcoholics.
Although i have convinced myself that i have come no where close to even the lightest drunk story (albeit delusional convincing), i have not lied to myself enough yet to not recognize that every single drunk (100%) of them all crossed the line right where I am. While i have never had the morning drink, i have yes, had a nooner about once every three months, considered it at least once a week, and sure as hell don't let anything stand in my way once 5PM comes.
In my three weeks of sobriety i have also had much time to self-evaluate. The very reason of my drinking was to quiet my brain so i could sleep peacefully (5 days a week anyway, the other 2 were just to party). What i have learned in the last 3 weeks though is that i merely deferred my angst to the morning, and compounded 5 fold because of my insecurities of what transpired the night before, or what i deferred. Funny enough - exactly what i thought liquor was doing, it in fact was exacerbating.
Unfortunately, i have to admit that every sober night thus far has been a struggle. The beautiful thing about sleep is its incredible regeneration ability, and waking up sober is proof that i won the fight the night before (like the song says..."and the flag was still there"). But until i sleep, i continue to convince myself i'm not a drunk, i ask my wife to convince me that i should have a drink (she's a smart cookie though), and i shove any type of sugar i can find in my mouth. Today is the first time in 3 weeks i have come close to breaking - so i figured i'd post.
I know i'm in the phase of convincing myself i don't have a problem, and that i can just have one drink - and believe me, i think i actually believe it! But the problem i have is that every single story i read tells me i'm wrong. Every single story i read tells me that while i have been very fortunate to not have hit rock bottom or any floor, that every single drunk has crossed my path on their way down...hopefully i caught it soon enough. I'm terrified of the next drink, and I'm terrified i won't be able to not have it. THE ONLY RATIONALITY I BELIEVE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW IS THAT I CAN'T DRINK TODAY. Tomorrow is a different fight, as is christmas as is new year's and all of 2012. But for right now, i pray i can sleep without having a drink.
My drinking career has only flourished over the last 5 years. Prior to that, i could barely hold down a beer without puking. In a recent conversation with one of my closest childhood friends, who also happens to be an age old recovered alcoholic - he referred to my high school drinking attempts as cute.
By any stretch of the imagination, i have lived a charmed life - financially very secure, wonderful family, incredible friends, and wonderful community. That said, i have been plagued with huge anxieties and fears of failure...oddly probably a significant contributor to my life's successes, but also the cause of most of my sleepless nights. Somehow in the last few years, i not only figured out how to hold my liquor, but also how well it put me to sleep at night. I also learned how much people like to party with me when i'm supplying and consuming the liquor.
Up until three weeks ago, i had graduated to daily consumption of between 3 - 4 glasses of wine (substitute wine for scotch or beer or rum, or whatever). While not toxic by any stretch, certainly enough to give you the morning grog. I guess i have been fortunate enough to be quite active in the mornings, going out for a 6 mile run or 25 mile bike ride every day. Needless to say this has been a "cheat" in acknowledging my problem. I also in the last five years have experienced a few key emotions / leading "drunk" indicators: Regret about things i've said while buzzed (a.k.a. hammered), fear because i can't remember when i crossed the line the night before, and yes, there has been occasional property damage (nothing violent, all accidental).
By the grace of god, i think i may have only crossed the line in words with my wife twice, and have suffered not a single repercussion socially and/or professionally. That said, my mood and satisfaction with life in the last 2 years has been utterly depressing despite all my apparent god given privileges. Most of all, my tell tale sign - deep anger and resentment of almost every family member and friend except for my immediate family. The kind that only the most self righteous of judgement can produce, that very same kind that is singularly fueled by liquor.
Three saturday's ago - i downed almost 1.75 bottles of single malt scotch with a friend......i have come a long way baby from puking on the taste of alcohol. I was filled with absolute terror that following Sunday -a) because i had no idea i could drink that much, b) because i woke up fairly fine without the slightest hint of a headache - I learned a few years back that a 50/50 mix of liquor and water all but eliminates the headache; c) I had very limited recollection of the night before. That Sunday night i downloaded the big book and started reading stories about alcoholics.
Although i have convinced myself that i have come no where close to even the lightest drunk story (albeit delusional convincing), i have not lied to myself enough yet to not recognize that every single drunk (100%) of them all crossed the line right where I am. While i have never had the morning drink, i have yes, had a nooner about once every three months, considered it at least once a week, and sure as hell don't let anything stand in my way once 5PM comes.
In my three weeks of sobriety i have also had much time to self-evaluate. The very reason of my drinking was to quiet my brain so i could sleep peacefully (5 days a week anyway, the other 2 were just to party). What i have learned in the last 3 weeks though is that i merely deferred my angst to the morning, and compounded 5 fold because of my insecurities of what transpired the night before, or what i deferred. Funny enough - exactly what i thought liquor was doing, it in fact was exacerbating.
Unfortunately, i have to admit that every sober night thus far has been a struggle. The beautiful thing about sleep is its incredible regeneration ability, and waking up sober is proof that i won the fight the night before (like the song says..."and the flag was still there"). But until i sleep, i continue to convince myself i'm not a drunk, i ask my wife to convince me that i should have a drink (she's a smart cookie though), and i shove any type of sugar i can find in my mouth. Today is the first time in 3 weeks i have come close to breaking - so i figured i'd post.
I know i'm in the phase of convincing myself i don't have a problem, and that i can just have one drink - and believe me, i think i actually believe it! But the problem i have is that every single story i read tells me i'm wrong. Every single story i read tells me that while i have been very fortunate to not have hit rock bottom or any floor, that every single drunk has crossed my path on their way down...hopefully i caught it soon enough. I'm terrified of the next drink, and I'm terrified i won't be able to not have it. THE ONLY RATIONALITY I BELIEVE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW IS THAT I CAN'T DRINK TODAY. Tomorrow is a different fight, as is christmas as is new year's and all of 2012. But for right now, i pray i can sleep without having a drink.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us. You're making the right choice to stop drinking and congratulations on your 3 weeks of sobriety.
I also used alcohol to self-medicate the annoying voice in my head that continuously criticized me and found fault with everything I did. Alcohol helped me to sleep, which I desperately needed. It quieted the anxiety and eased the depression. But, within weeks, it became something I believed I needed in order to sleep. My anxiety level was through the roof. And, still, I had a terrible time letting go of it.
Know that you can do this!
I'm glad you found us. You're making the right choice to stop drinking and congratulations on your 3 weeks of sobriety.
I also used alcohol to self-medicate the annoying voice in my head that continuously criticized me and found fault with everything I did. Alcohol helped me to sleep, which I desperately needed. It quieted the anxiety and eased the depression. But, within weeks, it became something I believed I needed in order to sleep. My anxiety level was through the roof. And, still, I had a terrible time letting go of it.
Know that you can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi mentalloop 
Welcome to SR!
I used to work very hard to convince myself I didn't have a problem either - now looking back the immense effort I used and the frantic desperation I felt in trying to convince myself I was ok - somehow someway - to keep drinking should have been a clue for me....
Coming here was a good move - you'll find a lot of support
It somehow made it easier for me to know people understood and I wasn't alone...and the people here helped me work out what I needed to do
Glad to have you with us,
D
Welcome to SR!
I used to work very hard to convince myself I didn't have a problem either - now looking back the immense effort I used and the frantic desperation I felt in trying to convince myself I was ok - somehow someway - to keep drinking should have been a clue for me....
Coming here was a good move - you'll find a lot of support
It somehow made it easier for me to know people understood and I wasn't alone...and the people here helped me work out what I needed to do
Glad to have you with us,
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: North America
Posts: 162
Nice post. Thanks for sharing that with us. For a brief nano second I craved a beer tonight. I'm glad I decided to visit SR.
I simply can't drink like a normal person. Not a single drop. Thanks for the reminder.
I simply can't drink like a normal person. Not a single drop. Thanks for the reminder.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
Welcome!
You mentioned that you downloaded the Big Book, have you gone to any AA meetings? The AA program can help you stay sober without "white knuckleing" it every night.
It sounds like alcohol hasn't caused you to lose much YET. YET stands for You're Eligible Too, eventually you can lose a lot. You don't have to take the alcoholic elevator all the way to the ground floor.
You mentioned that you downloaded the Big Book, have you gone to any AA meetings? The AA program can help you stay sober without "white knuckleing" it every night.
It sounds like alcohol hasn't caused you to lose much YET. YET stands for You're Eligible Too, eventually you can lose a lot. You don't have to take the alcoholic elevator all the way to the ground floor.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
The idea that one or two will be ok because of sound and logical reasons despite our years of experience otherwise is termed alcoholic insanity by some.
Sounds like you've got that, which means you need some effective plan to avoid falling for that craziness and acting on it. Deciding that you won't ever-ever believe yourself during the times when you believe that it is true may work for a while, but any other approach would be better than that.
Well done on your 3 weeks.
Sounds like you've got that, which means you need some effective plan to avoid falling for that craziness and acting on it. Deciding that you won't ever-ever believe yourself during the times when you believe that it is true may work for a while, but any other approach would be better than that.
Well done on your 3 weeks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
Positive Realizations...
This is a long one - feeling inspired.
The point hasn't escaped me either - doing the same thing twice and expecting a different outcome. I'm teetering on the acceptance that it really isn't about the night's sacrifice, and that i am not depriving myself of anything - up until this millennium, I lived my life generally speaking without a lick of liquor and i did just fine! I also am teetering on accepting the idea that if i didn't have a problem, i wouldn't be here, and i wouldn't be trying to quit. I use the term teetering because i'm all about rationality - and while this can work against me, if i get my mind there on logical grounds, it really is much easier for me to stick to it. Unless i'm a narcissist who likes to hear himself talk and share with folks i've never encountered before - somewhere inside i must believe i have a real and bona fide problem. While i'm not ready to completely unload my guilt - suffice it to say that i don't lie to myself that much, and there are a few things that have transpired in the last few weeks that make no distinction between me and and an all out drunk passed out in the middle of Time Square. You don't get there by accident, and you don't get there by fluke, and you certainly don't get there just once. At that point - you're an alcoholic!
On a much more positive note, i have found a meeting just a stones throw from my home - right under my nose. Quite literally, it's about 1,000 feet away. The downside is that it's smack dab in my neighborhood - not that shame should stop me, but i am only human. On the upside, i'm fairly certain that neighborhood gawkers won't be hanging out there, so if i know somebody, i'm hoping it means we will have an instant bond. Now - i have to get myself there...
I will leave my struggle on this post with my realization that god has never left me, it is I who left him. From my teenage years, my faith in god has been unshakable. Much like many, i turned to god when in need, and always had a healthy appreciation / fear (i know fear is not part of his deal) of god. At one crossroad of life, i turned to god for support, and in turn i committed a series of life sacrifices that i follow for a limited period of time each year - fasting for Lent, Advent and the Assumption of Virgin Mary. Let me preface this with i haven't set foot in church in over 25 years, i don't believe in organized religion, and frankly, i think god is much more concerned with the fact that you live a good and proper life, not a holy life. My sacrifice involves going vegan for 110 days a year, something i've followed for about 17 years. I do this because i tried it once at 20 when i really needed god. Of course he heard me and helped me. Shortly after, i rationalized that he is not of my convenience, and that i can't only turn to him when i need him - i'm either in or i'm out. Since i was in, i had to follow through as a commitment made to him for the rest of my life. i also rationalized that if all i did was fast, but didn't try to live a righteous life, then god wouldn't just forgive my transgressions. Again - please know that the substance of my sacrifices are irrelevant, it is much more about keeping my word with god. Since then, living this way has really provided me with huge success in every aspect of life - simply put, up until the 2000's, nothing bad ever happened to me - nothing.
Something then changed. I convinced myself that i was just as responsible for all my failures as i was all my success. And while i never forgot god in my heart, i stopped referring to him as the hand to guide me. It somehow became all about me and my will power, me and my judgement, me and my view of the world. What ensued was a lot of self judgement, pressure, and inadequacy. You can only imagine that the next logical step has been the judgement of others, and a whole lot of resentment and self righteousness. Somewhere in this cycle came the boos, and the uncontrollable utilization. At first it was a welcomed reprieve of internal self judgement. Soon it became a need to get to sleep and quiet the crazy! How i made it to a need for perfection, a privilege reserved for god himself, i have no idea. But...somehow i gave myself an equal seat at his table. I started to believe he was leaving me, and i couldn't understand why.
A further understanding about my relationship with god is probably required for you all to get this part, but i hope you will be able to follow. Roll the clock forward to the last three weeks, and accepting that i have a problem that i need his help with, and the belief that to "thy own self be true", i started looking for signs. On one particular evening over the last few weeks, my wife and i were attending a holiday party that was bring your own boos. We went with five other couples, all of very affluent means (not the 1%'ers, but maybe the 2%'ers). Our table must have had 20 bottles of liquor, all to be shared amongst 10 people. I stayed bone dry. Here is how god stood beside me that evening:
1) Not a sole noticed i hadn't been drinking, and i was as much a life of the party as i always have been
2) I witnessed the line crossing while totally sober - positive reinforcement if i ever saw it. Two very highly respected attorney's were well passed smashed, when the wife leaned over to me to let me know how romantic her husband gets when he's drunk. She also managed to tell me how sad it was because he didn't have the physical capability to act on it - NOW WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS? JUST TO SHAME YOUR HUSBAND...THE GUILT LINE JUST CROSSED. On the walk out of the party, there were four of us outside, myself and yet another couple and husband. As we were saying our goodbye's the lone husband said to the other husband some cheeky goodbye involving a derogatory gay reference. The wife of the receiving husband immediately took issue and started a quarrel. GUILT NUMBER TWO - REALLY, THE GUY SAID NOTHING THAT BAD, BUT CERTAINLY HIS GOVERNOR WAS GONE. AND THE WIFE WAS HYPERSENSITIVE TO A POINT THAT ONLY LIQOUR WOULD CAUSE. God exposed me to both those events uniquely to show me what i had given up for the evening....both circumstances i have fallen to on numerous occasions over the last few years.
3) I offered people designated driving, not a soul believed i was sober - I guess i should have been insulted, but the truth is, i would have been amongst the most smashed at the event had i drank.
4) 3 couples wanted to have a night cap, and all decided to go to our house. By the way, the party was at the same community house that happens to have a meeting, which explains why everybody picked our house - it was the closest, 1,000 feet away.
5) Everybody left at 3:30am, and i was asleep at 4am. I woke up at 9:30 spry and without a lick of guilt. The part i had forgot, that again God protected me from: That sunday, I had to finish a board presentation i had on Monday for my company, I had to finish my final review of an RFI that was due on Monday, I had to write a recommendation, take my son to baseball and to swimming. Although i completely did not think of any of that when i was battling the not drinking part - i'm sure you all know that there is not a rats chance in hell of getting all that done with a severe and protracted hangover.
I genuinely believe that god created these set of circumstances to show me first hand what my drinking had brought me to!
The point hasn't escaped me either - doing the same thing twice and expecting a different outcome. I'm teetering on the acceptance that it really isn't about the night's sacrifice, and that i am not depriving myself of anything - up until this millennium, I lived my life generally speaking without a lick of liquor and i did just fine! I also am teetering on accepting the idea that if i didn't have a problem, i wouldn't be here, and i wouldn't be trying to quit. I use the term teetering because i'm all about rationality - and while this can work against me, if i get my mind there on logical grounds, it really is much easier for me to stick to it. Unless i'm a narcissist who likes to hear himself talk and share with folks i've never encountered before - somewhere inside i must believe i have a real and bona fide problem. While i'm not ready to completely unload my guilt - suffice it to say that i don't lie to myself that much, and there are a few things that have transpired in the last few weeks that make no distinction between me and and an all out drunk passed out in the middle of Time Square. You don't get there by accident, and you don't get there by fluke, and you certainly don't get there just once. At that point - you're an alcoholic!
On a much more positive note, i have found a meeting just a stones throw from my home - right under my nose. Quite literally, it's about 1,000 feet away. The downside is that it's smack dab in my neighborhood - not that shame should stop me, but i am only human. On the upside, i'm fairly certain that neighborhood gawkers won't be hanging out there, so if i know somebody, i'm hoping it means we will have an instant bond. Now - i have to get myself there...
I will leave my struggle on this post with my realization that god has never left me, it is I who left him. From my teenage years, my faith in god has been unshakable. Much like many, i turned to god when in need, and always had a healthy appreciation / fear (i know fear is not part of his deal) of god. At one crossroad of life, i turned to god for support, and in turn i committed a series of life sacrifices that i follow for a limited period of time each year - fasting for Lent, Advent and the Assumption of Virgin Mary. Let me preface this with i haven't set foot in church in over 25 years, i don't believe in organized religion, and frankly, i think god is much more concerned with the fact that you live a good and proper life, not a holy life. My sacrifice involves going vegan for 110 days a year, something i've followed for about 17 years. I do this because i tried it once at 20 when i really needed god. Of course he heard me and helped me. Shortly after, i rationalized that he is not of my convenience, and that i can't only turn to him when i need him - i'm either in or i'm out. Since i was in, i had to follow through as a commitment made to him for the rest of my life. i also rationalized that if all i did was fast, but didn't try to live a righteous life, then god wouldn't just forgive my transgressions. Again - please know that the substance of my sacrifices are irrelevant, it is much more about keeping my word with god. Since then, living this way has really provided me with huge success in every aspect of life - simply put, up until the 2000's, nothing bad ever happened to me - nothing.
Something then changed. I convinced myself that i was just as responsible for all my failures as i was all my success. And while i never forgot god in my heart, i stopped referring to him as the hand to guide me. It somehow became all about me and my will power, me and my judgement, me and my view of the world. What ensued was a lot of self judgement, pressure, and inadequacy. You can only imagine that the next logical step has been the judgement of others, and a whole lot of resentment and self righteousness. Somewhere in this cycle came the boos, and the uncontrollable utilization. At first it was a welcomed reprieve of internal self judgement. Soon it became a need to get to sleep and quiet the crazy! How i made it to a need for perfection, a privilege reserved for god himself, i have no idea. But...somehow i gave myself an equal seat at his table. I started to believe he was leaving me, and i couldn't understand why.
A further understanding about my relationship with god is probably required for you all to get this part, but i hope you will be able to follow. Roll the clock forward to the last three weeks, and accepting that i have a problem that i need his help with, and the belief that to "thy own self be true", i started looking for signs. On one particular evening over the last few weeks, my wife and i were attending a holiday party that was bring your own boos. We went with five other couples, all of very affluent means (not the 1%'ers, but maybe the 2%'ers). Our table must have had 20 bottles of liquor, all to be shared amongst 10 people. I stayed bone dry. Here is how god stood beside me that evening:
1) Not a sole noticed i hadn't been drinking, and i was as much a life of the party as i always have been
2) I witnessed the line crossing while totally sober - positive reinforcement if i ever saw it. Two very highly respected attorney's were well passed smashed, when the wife leaned over to me to let me know how romantic her husband gets when he's drunk. She also managed to tell me how sad it was because he didn't have the physical capability to act on it - NOW WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS? JUST TO SHAME YOUR HUSBAND...THE GUILT LINE JUST CROSSED. On the walk out of the party, there were four of us outside, myself and yet another couple and husband. As we were saying our goodbye's the lone husband said to the other husband some cheeky goodbye involving a derogatory gay reference. The wife of the receiving husband immediately took issue and started a quarrel. GUILT NUMBER TWO - REALLY, THE GUY SAID NOTHING THAT BAD, BUT CERTAINLY HIS GOVERNOR WAS GONE. AND THE WIFE WAS HYPERSENSITIVE TO A POINT THAT ONLY LIQOUR WOULD CAUSE. God exposed me to both those events uniquely to show me what i had given up for the evening....both circumstances i have fallen to on numerous occasions over the last few years.
3) I offered people designated driving, not a soul believed i was sober - I guess i should have been insulted, but the truth is, i would have been amongst the most smashed at the event had i drank.
4) 3 couples wanted to have a night cap, and all decided to go to our house. By the way, the party was at the same community house that happens to have a meeting, which explains why everybody picked our house - it was the closest, 1,000 feet away.
5) Everybody left at 3:30am, and i was asleep at 4am. I woke up at 9:30 spry and without a lick of guilt. The part i had forgot, that again God protected me from: That sunday, I had to finish a board presentation i had on Monday for my company, I had to finish my final review of an RFI that was due on Monday, I had to write a recommendation, take my son to baseball and to swimming. Although i completely did not think of any of that when i was battling the not drinking part - i'm sure you all know that there is not a rats chance in hell of getting all that done with a severe and protracted hangover.
I genuinely believe that god created these set of circumstances to show me first hand what my drinking had brought me to!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
MentalLoop.. Thanks for your posts. I see myself in a great deal of your posts. Glad to see you that you are 3 weeks sober and recognize the need to take actions now before it gets worse...Best wishes
Jim
Jim
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Hey ML --
First welcome to SR it is a wonderful site and is a totally amazing group of people that support and help each other everyday. I come to this site often through the day just to inspire and help keep me sober one more day.
Secondly your story sounds alot like mine. Minus that growing up with money part. But, by the time I came to believe I had a drinking problem my life was still pretty manageable. I hadn't lost much other then the fact that I had a one DUI. I still had all the "niceties" of life. I was comfortable in my six figure job, I had a wonderful husband, a great house, boat, motorcycle, and of course my sports car and a ton of friends that reinforced my drinking because of course I was always the one buying. So, when I started attending AA meetings I really didn't feel like I fit in with those type of people. The first meeting I ever attended was at a detox center (I wasn't in... people from the outside came in to help the people there... I didn't know anything about AA and the place was right around the corner from my house). So, they type of people I saw there weren't the type of drunk that I was. But, as I started listening to their stories it wasn't the differences that I heard but the similarities... why they drank, insecurities, feelings of inadequacies, and discontentment with life. Those were the same reasons I drank. But, in my feeling of self righteousness I didn’t see it at the time. So, I left and I went back out into the world and I kept drinking because, I didn’t feel my problem was as bad as theirs.
Well I soon discovered that if I kept drinking the universe/god would keep putting things in my way that would show me the true consequences of my actions if I kept drinking… and it only got worse. This year I have gotten two DUIs and two accidents. I have been lucky I didn’t kill myself or someone else, I have lost a wonderful job I was at for 5 years, and almost lost my husband, but did a lot of damage to a wonderful man and a relationship that I love deeply.
But, for me the universe/god allowed for me to come out on the other end. And, as of yet I haven’t lost everything. I found another job that I love, I still have my life in tack, but, honestly it was the biggest wake up call I ever had. And, I hope that your life doesn’t take you down this route.
For me it wasn’t that the universe/god was trying to punish me for drinking. If was that it was trying to show me how great my life can be without drinking. I am so grateful that I have the structure of my consequences now. I have people in my life that truly understand why I drink and how the shame/guilt I had associated with it.
Good luck to you!
Saliena
First welcome to SR it is a wonderful site and is a totally amazing group of people that support and help each other everyday. I come to this site often through the day just to inspire and help keep me sober one more day.
Secondly your story sounds alot like mine. Minus that growing up with money part. But, by the time I came to believe I had a drinking problem my life was still pretty manageable. I hadn't lost much other then the fact that I had a one DUI. I still had all the "niceties" of life. I was comfortable in my six figure job, I had a wonderful husband, a great house, boat, motorcycle, and of course my sports car and a ton of friends that reinforced my drinking because of course I was always the one buying. So, when I started attending AA meetings I really didn't feel like I fit in with those type of people. The first meeting I ever attended was at a detox center (I wasn't in... people from the outside came in to help the people there... I didn't know anything about AA and the place was right around the corner from my house). So, they type of people I saw there weren't the type of drunk that I was. But, as I started listening to their stories it wasn't the differences that I heard but the similarities... why they drank, insecurities, feelings of inadequacies, and discontentment with life. Those were the same reasons I drank. But, in my feeling of self righteousness I didn’t see it at the time. So, I left and I went back out into the world and I kept drinking because, I didn’t feel my problem was as bad as theirs.
Well I soon discovered that if I kept drinking the universe/god would keep putting things in my way that would show me the true consequences of my actions if I kept drinking… and it only got worse. This year I have gotten two DUIs and two accidents. I have been lucky I didn’t kill myself or someone else, I have lost a wonderful job I was at for 5 years, and almost lost my husband, but did a lot of damage to a wonderful man and a relationship that I love deeply.
But, for me the universe/god allowed for me to come out on the other end. And, as of yet I haven’t lost everything. I found another job that I love, I still have my life in tack, but, honestly it was the biggest wake up call I ever had. And, I hope that your life doesn’t take you down this route.
For me it wasn’t that the universe/god was trying to punish me for drinking. If was that it was trying to show me how great my life can be without drinking. I am so grateful that I have the structure of my consequences now. I have people in my life that truly understand why I drink and how the shame/guilt I had associated with it.
Good luck to you!
Saliena
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,928
Originally Posted by MentalLoop 
I know i'm in the phase of convincing myself i don't have a problem, and that i can just have one drink - and believe me, i think i actually believe it!
I hope you don't try though. You have the opportunity to avoid the problems that come increasingly severe with continued drinking. The losses - respect, family, job, home, the physical damage, the emotional damage, the mental damage. Avoid the torture - don't pick up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Charon
That's what every alcoholic believes. It just isn't true. Don't believe me? Go out and try it. Say one drink today, then none for a week, with only one after a week. See if you can do that.
I hope you don't try though. You have the opportunity to avoid the problems that come increasingly severe with continued drinking. The losses - respect, family, job, home, the physical damage, the emotional damage, the mental damage. Avoid the torture - don't pick up.
I hope you don't try though. You have the opportunity to avoid the problems that come increasingly severe with continued drinking. The losses - respect, family, job, home, the physical damage, the emotional damage, the mental damage. Avoid the torture - don't pick up.
In place of today's drink, is my reflection on my resentments towards my in-laws. Somewhere in the lasts few years, i have rationalized myself to hatred of them. I figure by the time i'm 80 and resolved of my demons, i'll have cured world hunger and be deserving of a drink. Until then, i thank you for the invitation, but I'll pass today.
One more thing - I almost forgot the point of my response (by the way, the other sign of too much drinking, i can't keep a short term thought to save my life...and i'm not being sarcastic or funny about that). I am well aware, hell, I'm affirmatively advocating on any drinking basis that i don't drink for either the pleasure of it, or the taste. I drink categorically / 100% of the time to get myself to a buzz (more often than not, a strong buzz). The futility of the test for me, is not to see if i can have one drink, because my craving is not for the taste, it's for the buzz - one drink won't do that. Hence, trying just one for me is useless - it serves no purpose, and will satisfy nothing. I'm all or broke, and we all know how that's going to end. The better test would be to see if i can have 4 - 5 drinks, get the buzz and skip it for the next two days. The day after is always doable because you are sort of hurting from the day before, but the following day is a new memory. Just writing this stupidity of my thought is enough to shame me in all of your eyes - how moronic am I? It is clear, i can't drink just one, and frankly, i can't drink just 5. This liquor thing is for the birds -
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
You sound like the perfect candidate for AA...You sound a lot like me. If I could give you any advice..At least try it....Read the Big Book from the beginning...Start at the cover...The stories are good..The plan of recovery is in the front. The 12 steps to me are nothing more than a pathway to getting closer to God....And you seem pretty open to that. I was too...It works for people that don't believe in God and they have a choice to choose whatever Higher Power they want. Which I think is wonderful...I know what works for me.
It's the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and has completely changed my life. You seem openminded and willing...Throw in complete honesty and you are home. I really recommend you at least try it. You can't beat the price...As far as the meeting that's close to your house goes...Take one a little farther away if you feel more comfortable....I have six months in the program...Have done the Steps...I live by them everyday and the rewards are beyond what I ever could have imagined. I hope it works for you like it has worked for millions...Myself included...It can't hurt to try it.
It's the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and has completely changed my life. You seem openminded and willing...Throw in complete honesty and you are home. I really recommend you at least try it. You can't beat the price...As far as the meeting that's close to your house goes...Take one a little farther away if you feel more comfortable....I have six months in the program...Have done the Steps...I live by them everyday and the rewards are beyond what I ever could have imagined. I hope it works for you like it has worked for millions...Myself included...It can't hurt to try it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Sapling
You sound like the perfect candidate for AA...You sound a lot like me. If I could give you any advice..At least try it....Read the Big Book from the beginning...Start at the cover...The stories are good..The plan of recovery is in the front. The 12 steps to me are nothing more than a pathway to getting closer to God....And you seem pretty open to that. I was too...It works for people that don't believe in God and they have a choice to choose whatever Higher Power they want. Which I think is wonderful...I know what works for me.
It's the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and has completely changed my life. You seem openminded and willing...Throw in complete honesty and you are home. I really recommend you at least try it. You can't beat the price...As far as the meeting that's close to your house goes...Take one a little farther away if you feel more comfortable....I have six months in the program...Have done the Steps...I live by them everyday and the rewards are beyond what I ever could have imagined. I hope it works for you like it has worked for millions...Myself included...It can't hurt to try it.
It's the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and has completely changed my life. You seem openminded and willing...Throw in complete honesty and you are home. I really recommend you at least try it. You can't beat the price...As far as the meeting that's close to your house goes...Take one a little farther away if you feel more comfortable....I have six months in the program...Have done the Steps...I live by them everyday and the rewards are beyond what I ever could have imagined. I hope it works for you like it has worked for millions...Myself included...It can't hurt to try it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
Originally Posted by MentalLoop
I'm 3 weeks sober tomorrow into my first attempt. Although I will make every effort to justify why i'm a different kind of drunk, i will concede that every story i read leads me to believe that not only am i not unique, i'm pretty much text book.
My drinking career has only flourished over the last 5 years. Prior to that, i could barely hold down a beer without puking. In a recent conversation with one of my closest childhood friends, who also happens to be an age old recovered alcoholic - he referred to my high school drinking attempts as cute.
By any stretch of the imagination, i have lived a charmed life - financially very secure, wonderful family, incredible friends, and wonderful community. That said, i have been plagued with huge anxieties and fears of failure...oddly probably a significant contributor to my life's successes, but also the cause of most of my sleepless nights. Somehow in the last few years, i not only figured out how to hold my liquor, but also how well it put me to sleep at night. I also learned how much people like to party with me when i'm supplying and consuming the liquor.
Up until three weeks ago, i had graduated to daily consumption of between 3 - 4 glasses of wine (substitute wine for scotch or beer or rum, or whatever). While not toxic by any stretch, certainly enough to give you the morning grog. I guess i have been fortunate enough to be quite active in the mornings, going out for a 6 mile run or 25 mile bike ride every day. Needless to say this has been a "cheat" in acknowledging my problem. I also in the last five years have experienced a few key emotions / leading "drunk" indicators: Regret about things i've said while buzzed (a.k.a. hammered), fear because i can't remember when i crossed the line the night before, and yes, there has been occasional property damage (nothing violent, all accidental).
By the grace of god, i think i may have only crossed the line in words with my wife twice, and have suffered not a single repercussion socially and/or professionally. That said, my mood and satisfaction with life in the last 2 years has been utterly depressing despite all my apparent god given privileges. Most of all, my tell tale sign - deep anger and resentment of almost every family member and friend except for my immediate family. The kind that only the most self righteous of judgement can produce, that very same kind that is singularly fueled by liquor.
Three saturday's ago - i downed almost 1.75 bottles of single malt scotch with a friend......i have come a long way baby from puking on the taste of alcohol. I was filled with absolute terror that following Sunday -a) because i had no idea i could drink that much, b) because i woke up fairly fine without the slightest hint of a headache - I learned a few years back that a 50/50 mix of liquor and water all but eliminates the headache; c) I had very limited recollection of the night before. That Sunday night i downloaded the big book and started reading stories about alcoholics.
Although i have convinced myself that i have come no where close to even the lightest drunk story (albeit delusional convincing), i have not lied to myself enough yet to not recognize that every single drunk (100%) of them all crossed the line right where I am. While i have never had the morning drink, i have yes, had a nooner about once every three months, considered it at least once a week, and sure as hell don't let anything stand in my way once 5PM comes.
In my three weeks of sobriety i have also had much time to self-evaluate. The very reason of my drinking was to quiet my brain so i could sleep peacefully (5 days a week anyway, the other 2 were just to party). What i have learned in the last 3 weeks though is that i merely deferred my angst to the morning, and compounded 5 fold because of my insecurities of what transpired the night before, or what i deferred. Funny enough - exactly what i thought liquor was doing, it in fact was exacerbating.
Unfortunately, i have to admit that every sober night thus far has been a struggle. The beautiful thing about sleep is its incredible regeneration ability, and waking up sober is proof that i won the fight the night before (like the song says..."and the flag was still there"). But until i sleep, i continue to convince myself i'm not a drunk, i ask my wife to convince me that i should have a drink (she's a smart cookie though), and i shove any type of sugar i can find in my mouth. Today is the first time in 3 weeks i have come close to breaking - so i figured i'd post.
I know i'm in the phase of convincing myself i don't have a problem, and that i can just have one drink - and believe me, i think i actually believe it! But the problem i have is that every single story i read tells me i'm wrong. Every single story i read tells me that while i have been very fortunate to not have hit rock bottom or any floor, that every single drunk has crossed my path on their way down...hopefully i caught it soon enough. I'm terrified of the next drink, and I'm terrified i won't be able to not have it. THE ONLY RATIONALITY I BELIEVE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW IS THAT I CAN'T DRINK TODAY. Tomorrow is a different fight, as is christmas as is new year's and all of 2012. But for right now, i pray i can sleep without having a drink.
My drinking career has only flourished over the last 5 years. Prior to that, i could barely hold down a beer without puking. In a recent conversation with one of my closest childhood friends, who also happens to be an age old recovered alcoholic - he referred to my high school drinking attempts as cute.
By any stretch of the imagination, i have lived a charmed life - financially very secure, wonderful family, incredible friends, and wonderful community. That said, i have been plagued with huge anxieties and fears of failure...oddly probably a significant contributor to my life's successes, but also the cause of most of my sleepless nights. Somehow in the last few years, i not only figured out how to hold my liquor, but also how well it put me to sleep at night. I also learned how much people like to party with me when i'm supplying and consuming the liquor.
Up until three weeks ago, i had graduated to daily consumption of between 3 - 4 glasses of wine (substitute wine for scotch or beer or rum, or whatever). While not toxic by any stretch, certainly enough to give you the morning grog. I guess i have been fortunate enough to be quite active in the mornings, going out for a 6 mile run or 25 mile bike ride every day. Needless to say this has been a "cheat" in acknowledging my problem. I also in the last five years have experienced a few key emotions / leading "drunk" indicators: Regret about things i've said while buzzed (a.k.a. hammered), fear because i can't remember when i crossed the line the night before, and yes, there has been occasional property damage (nothing violent, all accidental).
By the grace of god, i think i may have only crossed the line in words with my wife twice, and have suffered not a single repercussion socially and/or professionally. That said, my mood and satisfaction with life in the last 2 years has been utterly depressing despite all my apparent god given privileges. Most of all, my tell tale sign - deep anger and resentment of almost every family member and friend except for my immediate family. The kind that only the most self righteous of judgement can produce, that very same kind that is singularly fueled by liquor.
Three saturday's ago - i downed almost 1.75 bottles of single malt scotch with a friend......i have come a long way baby from puking on the taste of alcohol. I was filled with absolute terror that following Sunday -a) because i had no idea i could drink that much, b) because i woke up fairly fine without the slightest hint of a headache - I learned a few years back that a 50/50 mix of liquor and water all but eliminates the headache; c) I had very limited recollection of the night before. That Sunday night i downloaded the big book and started reading stories about alcoholics.
Although i have convinced myself that i have come no where close to even the lightest drunk story (albeit delusional convincing), i have not lied to myself enough yet to not recognize that every single drunk (100%) of them all crossed the line right where I am. While i have never had the morning drink, i have yes, had a nooner about once every three months, considered it at least once a week, and sure as hell don't let anything stand in my way once 5PM comes.
In my three weeks of sobriety i have also had much time to self-evaluate. The very reason of my drinking was to quiet my brain so i could sleep peacefully (5 days a week anyway, the other 2 were just to party). What i have learned in the last 3 weeks though is that i merely deferred my angst to the morning, and compounded 5 fold because of my insecurities of what transpired the night before, or what i deferred. Funny enough - exactly what i thought liquor was doing, it in fact was exacerbating.
Unfortunately, i have to admit that every sober night thus far has been a struggle. The beautiful thing about sleep is its incredible regeneration ability, and waking up sober is proof that i won the fight the night before (like the song says..."and the flag was still there"). But until i sleep, i continue to convince myself i'm not a drunk, i ask my wife to convince me that i should have a drink (she's a smart cookie though), and i shove any type of sugar i can find in my mouth. Today is the first time in 3 weeks i have come close to breaking - so i figured i'd post.
I know i'm in the phase of convincing myself i don't have a problem, and that i can just have one drink - and believe me, i think i actually believe it! But the problem i have is that every single story i read tells me i'm wrong. Every single story i read tells me that while i have been very fortunate to not have hit rock bottom or any floor, that every single drunk has crossed my path on their way down...hopefully i caught it soon enough. I'm terrified of the next drink, and I'm terrified i won't be able to not have it. THE ONLY RATIONALITY I BELIEVE IN MY HEART RIGHT NOW IS THAT I CAN'T DRINK TODAY. Tomorrow is a different fight, as is christmas as is new year's and all of 2012. But for right now, i pray i can sleep without having a drink.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by MentalLoop
Most of all, my tell tale sign - deep anger and resentment of almost every family member and friend except for my immediate family. The kind that only the most self righteous of judgement can produce....
Originally Posted by MentalLoop
In place of today's drink, is my reflection on my resentments towards my in-laws. Somewhere in the lasts few years, i have rationalized myself to hatred of them.
Resentment. Resentment. Resentment is my big issue. For ten years I woke up every morning and "loaded up" who I was pissed at, and why, from the previous day, like loading a computer program full of grievances against those whom I had perceived as injuring me in some way. I spent the entire day looking for reasons to be angry with others.
Why? Because anger gave me the excuse to behave any way I felt like behaving, to do or say whatever I wanted and feel entitled to do so. Once your brain becomes accustomed to it, you don't feel "normal" when you're NOT angry.
Anyway, some people like the slogans; others think they're trite. I'm in the "like" camp. Here's a couple things I keep in mind:
1) I learned a new word, "ressentiment" (with two s's). This is a sense of hostility directed at that which one identifies as the CAUSE of one's frustration. That is, an assignment of blame for one's frustration.
2) The serenity prayer. My level of internal peace at any given moment is DIRECTLY related to my willingness to accept people for who they are, and what they are doing at that moment. I will have no peace until I accept that every person, place, or thing is exactly as it must be at this moment.
3) Most of my troubles come from self-cherishing. I must recognize and take joy in the virtues of others.
4) Feelings are not facts. If the source of your information is "I thought it up," then you need to know that that information is likely bogus.
5) Finally, live and let live. I do not need to criticize, judge, or condemn others. I do not need to control them or make them conform to my way of thinking. I do not need to think about how others must change, but about what must be changed in me and my attitudes.
Last edited by Dee74; 12-20-2011 at 03:39 PM. Reason: Dans acount was deleted at his own request, not for 'having problems other than alcohol' - D.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
