30andsober

Hello all,

I am yet another noob delurking to finally post my first post. Reading everyone's stories here have helped me immensely and I want to actively seek support - I have finally admitted to myself that I am not strong enough to go it on my own. I am turning 30 in a week and I want to take control of my life.

I have made some progress in the last 2-3 months. I quit smoking, I stopped using sleeping pills and pain killers (tylenol PM, nothing dangerous). I have also gone from drinking a bottle of wine a day to about 1/2 of that. But every single day, right after I am done with work I can't think of anything except pouring myself a glass. I drink when i am alone and more importantly I drink before leaving home because I need the buzz to get me out when I am socializing.

I live in NYC with a roomate. My family and friends do not know about my problem, so each time I attempt an alcoholism screening test online and hit "no" on the family/friends questions, its one more reason for me to tell myself its not so bad - after all, I have a masters degree, a great job, no money problems and a loving family that can depend on me - pretty put together, right? I am in denial. I tell myself life is not particularly bad but I know I have become dependent and have been for a while. I was exactly in this spot 4 yrs ago and had to give up my relationship because my drinking inevitably got in the way. And I just stopped seeing a perfectly nice guy I was dating because I know exactly how its going to turn out and its not fair to him.

I read an article about functioning alcoholics last week and tts been nagging me ever since because I knew I had a problem but wasn't letting myself accept it.

flutter

I was a functional alcoholic until I wasn't. I have all the "stuff" too.. degrees coming out of my ears, good job, great marriage, fancy house, clean driving record, but alcohol almost killed me. I remember using those online tests the same way you are.. to convince myself I wasn't 'that bad yet'. So I drank until it was.. and barely survived it.

I could have written this post at your age.. if only I could have known the road ahead of me, and made better decisions. Glad you're being thoughtful about your future. If you're an alcoholic, it doesn't just go away.. it progresses. The 'at least I'm not that bad' gets blurrier and blurrier.

heathersweeds

Welcome 30andsober!!

Glad to have you join us! There are a lot of wonderful people here that will show support and identify with your situation!

scrambled2012

Welcome aboard 30; good to have you here~!

Dee74

Hi 30andsober
Welcome

I think, bottom line, if you think it's a problem, then it is.

All the other stuff - the 'functioning', when and how much you drink, the 'I'm not as bad as x' stuff is pretty much white noise really IMO.

D

buster123

I am professional engineer with double masters and a stupid habit. I am not alcoholic but I sure am a problem drinker. I too was in denial for a long time. I guess we are who we are until we realize what we really are.

Anna

I agree that if you think you have a problem, that's all that matters. If drinking is negatively affecting your life, then I hope that you decide to change things. I understand the term 'functioning alcoholic' but it still makes me shake my head a bit. I was a functioning alcoholic for a couple of years and then for the last year of my drinking, I struggled to function. But, even so, when I look back at the time when I called myself a functioning alcoholic, I really wasn't. My mind was clouded with repeated thoughts of drinking. I often had a headache and hadn't slept well. I hope you decide to stop drinking. By the way, have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir by a young, high-functioning alcoholic woman and it's deeply honest and raw. It's the book that gave me the courage to know that I could stop drinking.

30andsober

Anna,

I think I know exactly what you mean. Where does one draw the line between functioning and not-functioning? Am I functioning as long as I am not fired for being a drunk?

I haven't read Caroline Knapp, I might pick it up when I get a chance. I recently read my favorite movie critic Roger Ebert's accounts of his bout with alcoholism which had a similar effect on me.

All said and done, I am not sure if I am ready to take the plunge and call myself an alcoholic and learn that the only way to go for me would be to never touch alcohol again. Can you tell me about what lead you to make that decision?

logo

Anytime I do something that changes the way I feel is a problem for me. Maybe you don't have a problem only you know. Time will tell. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving recovery a shot. You can always go back to what you were doing. Love and Respect. logo

MentalLoop

Here is how I knew:

(Consumption = 3/4 glasses of wine per weeknight, much more on weekend)

1. I was waking up every morning feeling groggy and spent...
2. Short term memory was fading fast
3. If I didn't get my wine by five PM....watch out for moody me
4. Consistently saw the glass half empty even when any given situation may have been totally full (ran the nyc marathon in November and did great....was not happy and picked a fight with wife while I was sober that night)
5. My resentment hit an all time high. Everybody was out to get me, everybody was getting away with murder, and only I was the righteous one
6. Everyday tasks started to under perform. Avid bike rider, started getting scared on downhills and with traffic.

Foundation:
1. 37 and live in nyc
2. Graduated undergrad and grad from top nyc university (deans list / 3rd in my MBA class)
3. No money problems, actually the opposite. Allowed me to further lie to myself because what alcoholic drinks fine wine and scotch
4. Run 6 - 10 miles daily for 3 years and serious road cyclist

Facts:
1. Alcoholic tried and true
2. Sober today and for last 60+ days
3. Not one activity in my life is not vastly better sober!

Are you an alcoholic? Don't know, but to thy own self be true. If your successful when anebriated, imagine how powerful sober. Life is good, give yourself a chance to experience it.

30andsober

Logo, don't get me wrong. I never ever want to go back to what I was doing. I don't even want to be where I am right now. I want to be like all my friends who drink may be 1 or 2 drinks on social occasions during the week, a little more on the weekends, can stop when they want and may be have a bad hangover once a year.

I want to be able to day no to the third drink...

buster123

story of my life

30andsober

MentalLoop, Your message totally threw me off. I am an MBA grad too. Back in 2009 when my drinking was at an all time high, I told myself I was stressing about my job and the markets etc. My consumption was about the same as yours and points 1, 2, 3 and 6 are absolutely true in my case too. And after reading your post I know 4 and 5 are true as well but I haven't come around to face facts for what they are.

Your "Foundation" is another mirror to my face that I have been avoiding looking at. In the last 3 yrs I have put on 25lbs. I succumbed to the "groggy and spent" feeling in the mornings and ignored working out. Denial, much?

Thanks a lot for posting. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach the first time I tried to digest what you said. I think I have a couple of weeks of thinking and deciding ahead of me.