zoso77

Over the past day or so, it's really dawned on me how my ex AGF lied to my face, used and manipulated me.

It's also dawned on me it's my own fault.

When I took her back last month, she sold me on the fact she's working her program and working on becoming a better person. But what I forgot was not only was I dealing with an addict in the early stages of recovery, but a very sick woman with BPD. In retrospect, she was going to say whatever she didn't to say to get me back.

I knew better. And I took her back anyways because I believed that if I could go into recovery and change my behavior, so could she. As it turns out, she never has to change anything she does because, in her mind, she's always right.

It's a hard, hard lesson to absorb. And yet, somehow, when I go to bed and pray, I ask God to protect her. I somehow put aside my anger and ask God to protect her. I'm allowing myself to be angry, but I'm working like mad on not feeding it anymore.

One of my buddies is staying with me this week. He called her evil last night. I don't think she's evil. She's simply very, very sick, and when she's this sick, she doesn't give a darn about how her actions affect people, and that's because she's not capable.

Still, being lied to for months and being used is an awful feeling.

MsPINKAcres

((zoso))

a very wise old timer in al-anon once gave me the prayer to say to my Higher Power

simply. . .

"bless them and change me"

which I thought he was c r a z y ~ lol

but it has turned out to be a good prayer for ME ~

after all the best blessing for them would be a healthy recovery and I always could use a change for the better in MYSELF!

anyway - it's just what helps keep me focused on staying Happy, Joyous and PINKFully FREE!

Keep taking good care of YOU! YOU deserve it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

zoso77

I don't think that's crazy at all.

I don't see how I can get through this without showing my ex compasion. Even though I'm in a lot of pain, I also know that she's a lot sicker than I am.

The easiest thing for me to do -- and the worst possible thing I could do -- is to focus on the lying and the manipulation and feeding my anger with that. Instead, I'm allowing myself the anger, but not feeding it.

What hurts, though, is I genuinely loved her and was in this for the long haul, and she was dismissive of those feelings. I know that callousness, that meanness, is symptomatic of BPD, but knowing what's going on doesn't make things easier for me to deal with.

splendra

here's hoping you can find some salve for the burn that you feel. Keep the focus on yourself i know that maybe sounds too easy but it does help and it is the best advise i ever received when in your situation. Oh and be gentle with yourself.

EnglishGarden

I know you've done some reading on BPD.

Another useful book is "The Borderline Parent." It describes mothers with BPD and what they do to their children. Any day you are feeling sentimental, reading this book will rip any of that sentiment right out of you.

I don't know whether you ever hoped for a family one day.

Addicts can scar their children for life.

But some BPD mothers, consciously and not under the influence, murder theirs.

I hope you will be blessed one day with a safe partner.