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What to expect at visitation

Old 01-25-2012, 01:28 PM
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What to expect at visitation

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and advice. I did find a meeting that I am going to attend to educate myself. I'm just waiting to hear if I can take my daughter with me because I don't have a sitter.

I'm visiting my husband at his rehab facility tonight for the first time since he was admitted last week. What should I expect? What do I say to him? I feel like I have all these things to say, but I know I can't cram them into our one hour visit and that right now he is focusing on his recovery and probably isn't ready to hear what I am feeling? I'm just really scared/nervous to see him. I don't want to act like everything is fine and I am ok with what has happened but I don't want to upset him, but then I don't think its ok to hide how I feel.
Any advice on how to approach this, what to expect?
Also I was hoping to have time alone with my husband to sort through things, but his sister just called to tell me she is coming too. She is the only person in his family we talk to, and has been almost a mother figure to him. I would really like privacy but don't want to step on her toes or offend her.
I guess I feel like I have a bunch of expectations for seeing him, that are not good to have and I'm not sure where to start with everything when visiting tonight.
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Old 01-25-2012, 01:43 PM
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Hi lost:

I remember the first time I ever had to visit my spouse in a rehab facility, many moons ago. I walked on eggshells the whole time, trying so hard to say the right thing to not upset him, which I thought could lead him back to drugging and drinking.

If you're not sure what to say, maybe the best thing is to say that to him. I was emotionally drained by the time rehab came around and I would have needed to be the one in treatment for codependency too.

You have an opportunity to embark upon your own journey to recovery, which hindsight lets me to know that would have been the best road for me to take. You may be able to avoid a lot of misery by focusing on yourself instead not him at this moment.
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Old 01-25-2012, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
and don't forget, you don't HAVE to go. this is entirely at your discretion.
When I was in rehab, the only visitors I got were my parents, once, about two weeks in, and for a family session which was a disaster.

My personal experience with a lack of visitors was that I finally got to start feeling the sting of just how badly I had hurt the people closest in my life.

I'm grateful for that experience.

Anvil is right...you don't have to go. It's your choice.
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Old 01-25-2012, 02:14 PM
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My experience: My first visits with my son were like a roller coaster to say the least. Now after a month they are good. He is there to take care of himself and nobody else or nothing else. I understand this is his only job devoting himself to recovery. So our conversations are short and sweet, hug, lunch and no questions.
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Old 01-25-2012, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by lost186 View Post

What should I expect? What do I say to him? I feel like I have all these things to say, but I know I can't cram them into our one hour visit and that right now he is focusing on his recovery and probably isn't ready to hear what I am feeling? I'm just really scared/nervous to see him. I don't want to act like everything is fine and I am ok with what has happened but I don't want to upset him, but then I don't think its ok to hide how I feel.
Any advice on how to approach this, what to expect?

I have been married 31 years. I have never , not once felt the need to walk on eggshells, around my husband.

Also I was hoping to have time alone with my husband to sort through things, but his sister just called to tell me she is coming too. She is the only person in his family we talk to, and has been almost a mother figure to him. I would really like privacy but don't want to step on her toes or offend her.
I guess I feel like I have a bunch of expectations for seeing him, that are not good to have and I'm not sure where to start with everything when visiting tonight.

I have been married 31 years. Never, not once, have I felt the need to walk on eggshells when communicating with my husband and vice-versa. Same deal with the SIL. If you want one on one time with him, communicate this to your SIL. She may or may not respect this. You having nothing to lose.

I don't visit people in rehabs or prison. That's just me.
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Old 01-25-2012, 03:24 PM
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Hi, I have seen my son twice in open house settings. That was early in his recovery (three weeks in rehab, then just over one month for second visit). After that, he is off the grid. I have heard that when they don't call, that is actually a good thing because they are really focusing on themselves. I would go see my son again in a heartbeat, but also know that he is focusing on the things he needs to and part of that is including his ability to not see us and gain ground on his feelings around our past. The visits by the way scared my two teenagers, they were not comfortable being around so many recovering addicts. I actually learned quite a bit by talking to the residents, they are all trying to rebuild their lives. BTW, the rehab my son is in is very strict! They don't allow visits unless they are open house types and that was during the holidays.
When I drop stuff off for my son, I am not allowed to even say hi.
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