Boyfriend revealed his drug past to me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Boyfriend revealed his drug past to me
Please......someone help. I have no idea what's going on or what to do.
We started as friends, but then developed feelings for each other and hence a romantic relationship formed. Everything was fine-he was super sweet, honest etc. Last weekend got REALLY mad at me over a silly misunderstanding. It led him to think that I was just this selfish horrible person. We fought over text (stupid, i know) and he eventually said 'I'm not the guy you think I am. You're probably better off without me." So I freaked out and asked him why he was acting like this....why he was ending things. He then called me and was so nonchalant and said that we were fine and that he had to do something for his mom and would call me back. He never did.
The next night I texted him and asked if we could continue our conversation, he said yes but that he needed to workout first to clear his head. When he was done, he called me. We talked everything out-and he revealed to me that he shot heroin every day for 5 years and now takes methadone every day since he stopped. From what I know....he did some sort of rehab/outpatient program and hasn't touched heroin in two years. I told him I wasn't judging him and he was shocked because he thought I wouldn't be ok with it etc. Long story short-he told me he still really liked me, that things felt different/right between us etc.
Thursday, I texted him with something flirty/fun about hanging out tonight and he replied with something REALLY cruel-that he can't believe I was "saying * * * * like that" after my 'performance' the other day. and "fyi-it's not sexy or even cute anymore..." So I texted back with 'I thought we were past all that?"....and nothing. a couple hours later I texted again and asked if he had been kidding because what he said was really hurtful and mean....and got nothing back. Four hours later (11pm), I texted again and said that joking or not what he said was really cruel and that for someone who wants people to be considerate of his wellbeing, he's not being considerate of mine. I texted him Friday evening and said we needed to talk. He FINALLY texted back a couple hours later and said that saying 'we need to talk' comes off as bossy and that he has had a bad week and doesnt feel well. I haven't heard from him Saturday or today (Sunday). I texted him tonight with 'you tell me you're a recovering addict and then start being mean and ignoring me. what is going on? I cant take another day of being upset/anxious b/c i dont know if you're ok'. I think if i dont hear from him tomorrow, i'm gonna go wait on his front steps...
I don't know what to do. Everything was fine and now it's like he's this completely different person. I've been reading online about recovering addicts, methadone, etc and I still can't wrap my head around anything because he NEVER said or did anything to make me think that he could be like this.
help
We started as friends, but then developed feelings for each other and hence a romantic relationship formed. Everything was fine-he was super sweet, honest etc. Last weekend got REALLY mad at me over a silly misunderstanding. It led him to think that I was just this selfish horrible person. We fought over text (stupid, i know) and he eventually said 'I'm not the guy you think I am. You're probably better off without me." So I freaked out and asked him why he was acting like this....why he was ending things. He then called me and was so nonchalant and said that we were fine and that he had to do something for his mom and would call me back. He never did.
The next night I texted him and asked if we could continue our conversation, he said yes but that he needed to workout first to clear his head. When he was done, he called me. We talked everything out-and he revealed to me that he shot heroin every day for 5 years and now takes methadone every day since he stopped. From what I know....he did some sort of rehab/outpatient program and hasn't touched heroin in two years. I told him I wasn't judging him and he was shocked because he thought I wouldn't be ok with it etc. Long story short-he told me he still really liked me, that things felt different/right between us etc.
Thursday, I texted him with something flirty/fun about hanging out tonight and he replied with something REALLY cruel-that he can't believe I was "saying * * * * like that" after my 'performance' the other day. and "fyi-it's not sexy or even cute anymore..." So I texted back with 'I thought we were past all that?"....and nothing. a couple hours later I texted again and asked if he had been kidding because what he said was really hurtful and mean....and got nothing back. Four hours later (11pm), I texted again and said that joking or not what he said was really cruel and that for someone who wants people to be considerate of his wellbeing, he's not being considerate of mine. I texted him Friday evening and said we needed to talk. He FINALLY texted back a couple hours later and said that saying 'we need to talk' comes off as bossy and that he has had a bad week and doesnt feel well. I haven't heard from him Saturday or today (Sunday). I texted him tonight with 'you tell me you're a recovering addict and then start being mean and ignoring me. what is going on? I cant take another day of being upset/anxious b/c i dont know if you're ok'. I think if i dont hear from him tomorrow, i'm gonna go wait on his front steps...
I don't know what to do. Everything was fine and now it's like he's this completely different person. I've been reading online about recovering addicts, methadone, etc and I still can't wrap my head around anything because he NEVER said or did anything to make me think that he could be like this.
help
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Cali)))
Welcome to S.R. sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us, but you'll find lots of people with experience in what you are dealing with.
As for right now, please read the stickies at the top of the page, especially, "what addicts do"
You may want to rethink continuing this relationship.
Others will be along shortly.
Hang in there.
Hugs, and keep posting.......
Welcome to S.R. sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us, but you'll find lots of people with experience in what you are dealing with.
As for right now, please read the stickies at the top of the page, especially, "what addicts do"
You may want to rethink continuing this relationship.
Others will be along shortly.
Hang in there.
Hugs, and keep posting.......
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Cali, Welcome to SR!!!!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but you have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).
It sounds as though this man is just not in a good place for a relationship right now. Do you think it's OK for someone who allegedly cares about you to be demeaning and cruel to you? I think you deserve far better than that!!!
Huge hugs!!!! HG
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but you have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).
It sounds as though this man is just not in a good place for a relationship right now. Do you think it's OK for someone who allegedly cares about you to be demeaning and cruel to you? I think you deserve far better than that!!!
Huge hugs!!!! HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR Cali. I'm glad you found us and I hope that the responses you get will help you process what you are dealing with.
First I'll say that loving an addict (or recovering addict) is not an easy road. He is pushing you away for whatever reason. And it is pretty apparent that he needs space.
At times like this when the addicts in our lives are throwing us into an emotional frenzy, we try to concentrate on ourselves. We do nice things for us and learn to comfort ourselves because we cannot rely on the addict to do that for us.
Stick around. Read the sticky notes at the top of this forum. If you intend to try to stay in this relationship, be prepared to read and understand addiction, recovery and codependence. Your sanity and his life may depend on it.
gentle hugs
First I'll say that loving an addict (or recovering addict) is not an easy road. He is pushing you away for whatever reason. And it is pretty apparent that he needs space.
At times like this when the addicts in our lives are throwing us into an emotional frenzy, we try to concentrate on ourselves. We do nice things for us and learn to comfort ourselves because we cannot rely on the addict to do that for us.
Stick around. Read the sticky notes at the top of this forum. If you intend to try to stay in this relationship, be prepared to read and understand addiction, recovery and codependence. Your sanity and his life may depend on it.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
***RED FLAGS****RED FLAGS***RED FLAGS****
Boy oh boy, at best the guy has some serious mental issues that you didn't cause, you can't cure, and you can't control!
So maybe this is a good time for you to take a personal inventory. Take a moment, step back and refocus yourself on your own goals for your life. Maybe make a list of how you expect to be treated in a relationship - of what you are willing to put up with and what you are NOT willing to put up with. No relationship is perfect all the time, but we should have limits how low we are willing to go when it comes to trying to get someone to stay in a relationship with us.
I have established a "three strikes and your out!" policy when it comes to starting new relationships. If he was my boyfriend, he'd be out because of his disrespect for me, hiding his methadone addiction (because that's what it is) and his mental instability.
Boy oh boy, at best the guy has some serious mental issues that you didn't cause, you can't cure, and you can't control!
So maybe this is a good time for you to take a personal inventory. Take a moment, step back and refocus yourself on your own goals for your life. Maybe make a list of how you expect to be treated in a relationship - of what you are willing to put up with and what you are NOT willing to put up with. No relationship is perfect all the time, but we should have limits how low we are willing to go when it comes to trying to get someone to stay in a relationship with us.
I have established a "three strikes and your out!" policy when it comes to starting new relationships. If he was my boyfriend, he'd be out because of his disrespect for me, hiding his methadone addiction (because that's what it is) and his mental instability.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
Hi Cali.
Welcome to SR!!! I am so sorry for your circumstances.
I agree with Hello-kitty. I am reminded of a quote by Maya Angelou..."The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I, too, think you need to rethink this relationship.
Hugs.
Welcome to SR!!! I am so sorry for your circumstances.
I agree with Hello-kitty. I am reminded of a quote by Maya Angelou..."The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I, too, think you need to rethink this relationship.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
thank you everyone. He finally replied to me this morning saying that it was funny how my texts to him have changed since he told me about his drug past. I think he's just trying to push me away.....who knows, maybe other people have given up on him.
I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I'd like to talk to him about what's going on with him so hopefully that will happen.
I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I'd like to talk to him about what's going on with him so hopefully that will happen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
So how are texts supposed to be when someone is ignoring your text messages? I find his comment to be typical "deflection" tactic. Be very careful with how you proceed.
And this is just a personal experience, when I would allow myself to get sucked into my husband's immaturity (i.e. ignoring my calls, or texts, etc.), I would essentially be sucked into his black hole. Nothing good ever came out of it. I eventually learned to not play anymore, i.e. I sent a text or call or message and get ignored...then I quit responding too. Some of the results of the non-engagement were quite surprising.
Keep your head on straight as best as you can. And learn as much as you can right now. Take care.
And this is just a personal experience, when I would allow myself to get sucked into my husband's immaturity (i.e. ignoring my calls, or texts, etc.), I would essentially be sucked into his black hole. Nothing good ever came out of it. I eventually learned to not play anymore, i.e. I sent a text or call or message and get ignored...then I quit responding too. Some of the results of the non-engagement were quite surprising.
Keep your head on straight as best as you can. And learn as much as you can right now. Take care.
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Originally Posted by newnormal4me 
So how are texts supposed to be when someone is ignoring your text messages? I find his comment to be typical "deflection" tactic. Be very careful with how you proceed.
I don't know how to proceed. I really don't. I still care about the guy and I know it was a big deal for him to tell me about his past because he knows how anti-drugs I am.
I'm fully aware that I can't help him, cure him , that anything he does is not my fault etc etc. I've just never been involved with a recovering addict and I need to know what he needs etc.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I went through something similar awhile back. Me being on his side. Someone I was very close to and was only getting closer too, I decided to tell, I normally don't tell people my deal because that's the choice I have made. But this person, I felt to close to not let them know and also give them the chance to leave.
They took it very well, and I probably tried to push them away a little, but I knew what I was doing, and I don't think I've been mean about it. However I think it is a noramal response to push away and/or reject someone you just confided something like that too.
We tend to punish someone we confide in about somethings that we feel are very dark and bad about us, or we get into the mindset of I'll push you away before you push me.
I personally have over 5 years clean from (meth) now and I know that part of my life is over. More than I know anything. But I've had to do a lot of work, self exploring and constant work on myself..... At two years clean I was in a different place I am now.
So whatever your decisions are, just my opinion but he's going to go through a lot more.
The bottom line is, no matter what is going on with him, you deserve respect and to be treated with respect.
I've had to remind myself of it, on my hardest days that the people around me, still need my respect. Lashing out and hurting someone isn't okay.
Addiction is hard, it's probably the biggest battle that most of us ever face, but
we don't get a free hall pass to treat others bad, no matter what demons we
are facing. We teach people how to treat us, and they usually act on the rules we choose for ourselves or they will walk all over them if we let them.
The best thing you can do for him, is treat yourself with respect and demand respect from him, he will follow your lead if you don't. You can be empathetic to his issues, but don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him.
As addicts, our addict voice likes to be a victim, we are stronger than that though.
(not saying your are, this is all just my experience) :ghug3
Just my thoughts... I'm glad you found us!
They took it very well, and I probably tried to push them away a little, but I knew what I was doing, and I don't think I've been mean about it. However I think it is a noramal response to push away and/or reject someone you just confided something like that too.
We tend to punish someone we confide in about somethings that we feel are very dark and bad about us, or we get into the mindset of I'll push you away before you push me.
I personally have over 5 years clean from (meth) now and I know that part of my life is over. More than I know anything. But I've had to do a lot of work, self exploring and constant work on myself..... At two years clean I was in a different place I am now.
So whatever your decisions are, just my opinion but he's going to go through a lot more.
The bottom line is, no matter what is going on with him, you deserve respect and to be treated with respect.
I've had to remind myself of it, on my hardest days that the people around me, still need my respect. Lashing out and hurting someone isn't okay.
Addiction is hard, it's probably the biggest battle that most of us ever face, but
we don't get a free hall pass to treat others bad, no matter what demons we
are facing. We teach people how to treat us, and they usually act on the rules we choose for ourselves or they will walk all over them if we let them.
The best thing you can do for him, is treat yourself with respect and demand respect from him, he will follow your lead if you don't. You can be empathetic to his issues, but don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him.
As addicts, our addict voice likes to be a victim, we are stronger than that though.
(not saying your are, this is all just my experience) :ghug3
Just my thoughts... I'm glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Wow...
The best thing you can do for him, is treat yourself with respect and demand respect from him, he will follow your lead if you don't.
Wish someone would have told me this 5 years ago!!! I am only just now getting this, and I'm not that good at it. But I guess practice makes perfect? Thanks for sharing!
The best thing you can do for him, is treat yourself with respect and demand respect from him, he will follow your lead if you don't.
Wish someone would have told me this 5 years ago!!! I am only just now getting this, and I'm not that good at it. But I guess practice makes perfect? Thanks for sharing!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
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Done_with_it,
Thanks, that really puts things into perspective. I'm pretty well versed in mental health issues, but addiction is a whole other field. I don't feel sorry for him as he brought everything upon himself. Life is about the choices you make. However, it's not my place at all to judge him, and I certainly don't think less of him and I wish he could understand that.
Before I knew about his past, we would talk about drugs and he would talk about how he hates how society views addicts as scum/low lifes etc..... perhaps that's how he views himself-as this bad person.
I don't know how to proceed.
Thanks, that really puts things into perspective. I'm pretty well versed in mental health issues, but addiction is a whole other field. I don't feel sorry for him as he brought everything upon himself. Life is about the choices you make. However, it's not my place at all to judge him, and I certainly don't think less of him and I wish he could understand that.
Before I knew about his past, we would talk about drugs and he would talk about how he hates how society views addicts as scum/low lifes etc..... perhaps that's how he views himself-as this bad person.
I don't know how to proceed.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by newnormal4me
Wow...
The best thing you can do for him, is treat yourself with respect and demand respect from him, he will follow your lead if you don't.
Wish someone would have told me this 5 years ago!!! I am only just now getting this, and I'm not that good at it. But I guess practice makes perfect? Thanks for sharing!
The best thing you can do for him, is treat yourself with respect and demand respect from him, he will follow your lead if you don't.
Wish someone would have told me this 5 years ago!!! I am only just now getting this, and I'm not that good at it. But I guess practice makes perfect? Thanks for sharing!
Yea, it does take time. You'll get better at it each time. It took me years of therapy and a lot of good books, lol.
It's hard to love ourselves and we think we don't need to love ourselves.
But that is the first thing we need to do. The rest falls into place much easier after that, lol..
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 29
I'm sorry you are here. I would have to re-think my relationship with these 'deep texts' as opposed to face to face conversation. You don't deserve to be treated like this. I agree with the others, read, read, read. There is so much to learn from here on SR. Addicts know how to spin things so that we 'chase' them. I did it for years with my addict.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by CaliSoca
Done_with_it,
Thanks, that really puts things into perspective. I'm pretty well versed in mental health issues, but addiction is a whole other field. I don't feel sorry for him as he brought everything upon himself. Life is about the choices you make. However, it's not my place at all to judge him, and I certainly don't think less of him and I wish he could understand that.
Before I knew about his past, we would talk about drugs and he would talk about how he hates how society views addicts as scum/low lifes etc..... perhaps that's how he views himself-as this bad person.
I don't know how to proceed.
Thanks, that really puts things into perspective. I'm pretty well versed in mental health issues, but addiction is a whole other field. I don't feel sorry for him as he brought everything upon himself. Life is about the choices you make. However, it's not my place at all to judge him, and I certainly don't think less of him and I wish he could understand that.
Before I knew about his past, we would talk about drugs and he would talk about how he hates how society views addicts as scum/low lifes etc..... perhaps that's how he views himself-as this bad person.
I don't know how to proceed.
It took me a mere 30 seconds to get addicted to meth. One mistake I made changed my entire life. I had no idea what I know now.
It's not fair, or I was famous for beating myself up, still am sometimes.
If I wouldn't have done this or that....... etc...
But life is the way it is. Some People also still judge blacks, gays, lesbians, foreigners, you name it in very bad ways, everyone has prejudice against them.
It's up to us whether or not to hold onto their views and let is affect us, or let it go and know we are good people. Others opinions to me are just the way they see life, has nothing to do with me.
but at one time it drove me a little crazy.. If they just understood.....
If it were me I would take it one day at a time, and just let it happen.
Listen to your gut instinct and your heart, and do what is best for you.
Know your boundaries and what you will and won't accept.
If it starts to hurt more than it feels good? then.........
Oh and be careful with the texts, ha ha, fighting over text messages can be the worst! lol...... I'm a text addict!
Again, jmo
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
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i dont think i have any other choice than to just end it. I mean....I've done everything I can and have been an emotional wreck for the past few days...and for what? To be treated with disrespect? like my feelings aren't valid? to be made out to be a bad person?
I just don't understand how he can do this to me after constantly telling me he wasn't like all the other guys I've dated, who have treated me like crap.
I just don't understand how he can do this to me after constantly telling me he wasn't like all the other guys I've dated, who have treated me like crap.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Cali,
Cali
I just don't understand how he can do this to me after constantly telling me he wasn't like all the other guys I've dated, who have treated me like crap. It's what addicts do.
I hope you stand by you last post, you sound like a smart girl, why involve yourself deeper with someone who doesn't appreciate you?
hugs.....
Cali
Originally Posted by CaliSoca
I just don't understand how he can do this to me after constantly telling me he wasn't like all the other guys I've dated, who have treated me like crap.
I hope you stand by you last post, you sound like a smart girl, why involve yourself deeper with someone who doesn't appreciate you?
hugs.....
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Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by mooselips
Cali,
Cali
It's what addicts do.
I hope you stand by you last post, you sound like a smart girl, why involve yourself deeper with someone who doesn't appreciate you?
hugs.....
Cali
It's what addicts do.
I hope you stand by you last post, you sound like a smart girl, why involve yourself deeper with someone who doesn't appreciate you?
hugs.....
honestly, it's making me sick. I have a medical condition that gets worse with stress and HE KNOWS THIS. My last text to him was 'please understand that I don't think less of me. I care about you and miss you and don't want this to come become between us.' I'm going to give him a couple days to sit on that and then just go over to his place and wait for him to get off work and then just end it.
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