Boyfriend revealed his drug past to me

Old 03-07-2011, 05:44 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Leise View Post
Ok.. gonna give you some tough love.. but it is meant with all the experience, strength and hope I have in me.

I never understood why my xabf did what he did. Why he lied, why he manipulated, why he was hot/ cold, why he was sweet one minute and argumentative the next, why a simple text could send him off the deep end, why he would refuse to talk on the phone, but would text me all night long.

You are not likely to get the answers to your questions from him. I can tell you from personal experience that you don't want to know what is going on inside his head. There may be nothing there. And that is devastating to know.

You've had a lucky escape Cali.. I know the last few days have been tough, but imagine a year like that. Or twenty years. This pattern of behaviour you are seeing? It's just the tip of the iceberg with an addictive personality, using or not.

You are LUCKY. You have the opportunity now to change your patterns.. figure out why you are used to being treated like crap in a relationship and how to find happiness within yourself that will attract the kind of man you truly want as a partner in life. Because YOU are special, never forget that.

And...

Get so busy with your own life that you forget about his.

Much love,

Lyn

I just read that you are going to confront him, and "end it". Don't be that dramatic, it's already over. Respect yourself.

thank you.
So, I should drop all contact. What about the stuff of his that I have? I don't want it in my apartment. That's why I was going to go to his place....to give him his stuff and tell him we're done.

I know I need to focus on my own life- i have a busy week ahead at work and the following week is my birthday! So, I'm just gonna throw all my attention into that and my friends and the gym....maybe take a vacation.

I always thought the phrase 'i love you, but I love myself more' was really cheesy but it really does make sense.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 06:14 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Leise View Post
I don't know, I've mailed / dropped stuff off to xabf, but the truth is... I was in utter misery the entire time. Waiting for some sign from him, a thank you or a kiss my a$$. Major adrenalin rush just driving by his house. Yuck. It's not worth it.

Who cares about his stuff? Throw it away.

He can't even be bothered to answer a text, puhleeeze... you should be responsible for his belongings now?
hmm i think i'll just mail the stuff. I prob won't remember until next week. hahaha. OR, better yet....i'll give it to a homeless person.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 06:42 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
i'm gonna try really hard to stick to it.

Thanks
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 07:48 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
This would be a good place to start on YOUR recovery. Figure out why you attract and are attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable and/or abusive. IMO, we don’t end up in these toxic relationships by happenstance, they fulfill an unhealthy need within us.
true. i'm gonna go back to seeing my therapist.

i'm just still shocked that this all happened.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 08:24 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
well, i called him and officially ended it. i'm shaking so much right now. Of course he didn't answer and I had to leave a message.

I told him that i couldn't do this anymore....that i've been upset since thursday and that ignoring my feelings is disrespectful....and that he's too focused on thinking that i'm judging him or thinking less of him when i'm not.

gosh...that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 09:48 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Babyblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Unhappy

I'll go beyond tough love and say he has some early signs of emotional abusive tendencies.

He is being pretty cruel.

That is as big of a red flag as they come.

You know him best but if he didn't disclose his history, would you tolerate his behavior?

You are right, you don't deserve this at all. Maybe step back and give yourself time to see it without all the feelings attached. You may see it as I did reading it.
Babyblue is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 10:14 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
I'll go beyond tough love and say he has some early signs of emotional abusive tendencies.

He is being pretty cruel.

That is as big of a red flag as they come.

You know him best but if he didn't disclose his history, would you tolerate his behavior?

You are right, you don't deserve this at all. Maybe step back and give yourself time to see it without all the feelings attached. You may see it as I did reading it.
yea....it makes sense. Maybe some control issues too....he would say things like 'if we're gonna be an item...' ....like HE was calling the shots and I had no say.

No, i wouldn't tolerate this behavior if I didn't know about his past. I'm just still in shock that this happened. Like, this is all a dream.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 11:34 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
ThatLittleGirl
 
ThatLittleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
***RED FLAGS****RED FLAGS***RED FLAGS**** - I agree with hello-kitty...Bright Red Flashing signs...heed them!!!

Believe him. - There's a saying by Maya Angelou..."When someone first shows you who they are, believe them." It is a saying that I hold close to my heart. So simple, and so very true. Try not to sugar-coat or excuse his behavior. He is telling you who he is and where he is in his life...not only in words, but also, in his actions. Believe him.
ThatLittleGirl is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 02:50 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
uuugh. i'm so angry. is it normal to go through different stages?

I feel so angry and betrayed.

And I have no idea what to do or say if he ever contacts me again. What do addicts do? Do they just drop a person and go onto the next?
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 03:09 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It's normal to feel angry. I hope you move on and stay away from this guy. I hope that if he attempts to contact you (which he probably will) that you will go NO CONTACT and don't take his calls.

Advice on how to get over a break up:
First, you need to realize there is nothing wrong with you, this relationship just wasn't a good fit. No matter how wonderful you thought it was, it wasn't right.

Next, you find the things that was wrong with your partner. Look for things that drove you crazy. These can be big things like the way he/she drove in traffic to little things like the way he/she put the toilet paper on the holder wrong. Try to identify these things as character traits so you can avoid them in the future Mr(s). Right. usually a person in your situation will go out and find someone very similar to the one that simply did not work. Try to avoid repeating mistakes.

Finally, you call all your friends and renew the friendships. Don't spend time telling about the break up etc. because you want to have fun and so do they. Don't talk about downer stuff. Having someone feel sorry for you is not nearly as good as having fun.

As you are meeting old friends, you will meet new friends and your network will grow until you find the next Right One. In the meantime, enjoy yourself and find things you like to do (not things you learned to like because of someone else)


As far as what addicts do... check out the link below. Unfortunately it's the truth. but the upside is that you are moving on to bigger and better things...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 03-09-2011, 05:49 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Thanks hello kitty

I srsly cant function. I know its only been a couple days...but im still in a horrible state of shock and confusion and sadness. I feel so lost and dont understand how this happened.
Im in such a fog right i could barely get out of bed and almost didnt go into work.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-10-2011, 10:14 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Have you ever seen the disney movie Nemo? I take my personal motto from that movie. I have HORRIBLE down days too but when I do i just think of the scene where Dory and Marlin are lost in the deepest darkest parts of the ocean and they don't know where to go or how to get there.

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?

Marlin: No I don't wanna know.

Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

Marlin: Dory, no singing.

Dory: [continuing] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. I love to swim. When you want to swim you want to swim.

Marlin: Now I'm stuck with that song... Now it's in my head.
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 03-10-2011, 11:07 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
Have you ever seen the disney movie Nemo? I take my personal motto from that movie. I have HORRIBLE down days too but when I do i just think of the scene where Dory and Marlin are lost in the deepest darkest parts of the ocean and they don't know where to go or how to get there.
I remember that scene....makes sense.

I mailed him his stuff just now. I just dont understand why he had to push me away. I told him over and over that I wasn't judging him or thinking less of him.

I hope he's ok and that he really isn't using again.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-10-2011, 12:04 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
(((Cali))), when I'm not able to understand something, the next best thing is for me to learn how to accept it and then let it go.
Chino is offline  
Old 03-10-2011, 01:56 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
This would be a good place to start on YOUR recovery. Figure out why you attract and are attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable and/or abusive. IMO, we don’t end up in these toxic relationships by happenstance, they fulfill an unhealthy need within us.
I strongly recommend the book Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan Forward. It's all about codependent women who love emotionally and psychologically abusive men. It has good self help advice.
anaserene is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 03:43 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Welcome to SR although sorry about the situation in which it brings you. Your story sounds very familiar to me and my only advice to you is to sit back and take note of the RED FLAGS that are presented to you. Clean or not, it sounds like he is still in "manipulation" mode. Nothing YOU did caused this, nothing YOU do will cure it. Take care of yourself and let the chips fall where they may. If he is serious about his recovery, HE will do the work. There is nothing you can do for him at this point. Checking on him to see if he's ok? He's a big boy...he got himself in there, he's gonna have to get himself out. All of this is said with love.
ladyhawk69 is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 06:55 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by ladyhawk69 View Post
Welcome to SR although sorry about the situation in which it brings you. Your story sounds very familiar to me and my only advice to you is to sit back and take note of the RED FLAGS that are presented to you. Clean or not, it sounds like he is still in "manipulation" mode. Nothing YOU did caused this, nothing YOU do will cure it. Take care of yourself and let the chips fall where they may. If he is serious about his recovery, HE will do the work. There is nothing you can do for him at this point. Checking on him to see if he's ok? He's a big boy...he got himself in there, he's gonna have to get himself out. All of this is said with love.
thanks
i know he lied to me a couple weekend ago. He had called me and told me he was doing something for his mom....which is a total lie because 1) he was in a car and doesn't own one and 2) it's the same thing he told his boss when he was late to work. I pretty positive he was getting drugs.
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 09:59 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Babyblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
The truth is you don't really know but anger and confusion are a normal part of what you are going through. You don't need to find validation for your feelings by trying to pinpoint his actions. You felt badly for how he treated you and you know you didn't deserve that treatment.

Do you journal? Have gal pals you can talk to about this? It is about you now and what a good person you are. Not about how bad or messed up he is.
Babyblue is offline  
Old 03-11-2011, 11:37 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Presstoe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Island of Misfit Toys
Posts: 102
Hi there Cali,

I'm really sorry for the toll this has taken on you, for everything you're going thru. I dated one guy when I was 21, he was 32 and he was a crack addict (lasted 3 months, it was an eternity!). Then around 2004 or 05 I went thru a breakup with a guy I lived with (who was really cool, smoked some weed, but not an "addict", no other drugs or drinking)... anyway I rebounded with a raging abusive alcoholic. It went on for 3 years. Be happy that this ended!

Early in this thread you said something like "if he doesn't reply to my texts I'm going to sit on his doorstep." Please don't ever do that. I know how that thought feels because I have thought it before. Have you considered really being single, just not looking or trying? I realized after really being single, like for more than a few months, that I was a serial dater and my standards were getting lower and lower. I was codependent too, obsessed, put up with crazy abuse... and I have some friends now that I put up with too much from that remind me, oh yeah, I fall for this.

Don't confuse pity with love, men are not stray cats! Feel better, this guy is obviously too much already- he's not even talking to you and you're upset, it is only the TIP of the iceberg. STAY AWAY- he's probably going to contact you if he thinks you're gone for good, stay gone, they pull this crap- STAY AWAY
Presstoe is offline  
Old 03-12-2011, 05:51 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Babyblue and Presstoe,

I've talked to a lot of trusted, close friends. I actually learned that one of my friends from high school is a recovering alcoholic, so she was able to offer some insight. She said that ending it was the best thing I could've done for the both of us.....that staying would be enabling or something.

He is actually the first guy I've dated in 3 years. I'm not much of a dater, but have had a string of bad boyfriends. After the last one (before this guy) I decided to stay away for awhile and focus on myself and the health problems I was having.

I know that he's a good guy, but the addict part of him makes him not a good guy....if that makes sense. I'm not trying to use it as an excuse....I mean, as long as he is actively using, I can never be with him.

I'll be ok. But for right now.... : :
CaliSoca is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:41 AM.