Boyfriend revealed his drug past to me
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
has he had his job for long or does he jump from job to job? You may be just stability for him or a place to be when he's feeling lonely? (sex?) Does he have his own place or live with roomate or parents?
why did YOU get involved with him? What was it that made you blind to the truth about his past?
i think, honey, you need to cut your losses.
It hurts like hell to realize that someone you gave your heart to has lied to you and isn't the person they portrayed themselves to be.
I'm really glad I have good benefits through my work. I got some phone numbers and am gonna make some calls tomorrow regarding getting professional help. It's just so awful that one person can come into your life and just....destroy it. (well, not completely...but you know what i mean).
thanks again to everyone. ::hugs::
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
Cali, the answer is no, he never came back around. We've had contact twice over the last year - both times initiated by me. Although he claims he's been in recovery and sober since we split, he is still unwilling to accept any real responsibility. His speech is littered with AA antidotes but they're used as excuses for his behavior - I don't see any real recovery. I hope he finds it though - for himself. I can say in all honesty that even if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow - the perfect picture of recovery - I wouldn't go back. For me, this little go around was more than enough for me to know that addiction of any kind - active or in recovery - is not something I will allow in my life again. It's not what I want for myself and my life.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
Oh yeah. I'd done therapy over the years and went back when this all happened. I tried al anon as well. I think what therapy helped me to understand was that the substance addiction was only the tip of the iceberg as far as what I'd be dealing with if I chose to stay. There are usually other issues and the substance itself is how they cope with those issues. The fact of the matter is even if the addiction didn't exist, the entire relationship was built on a foundation of lies. He was dishonest from day one. That alone was enough for me to call it quits.
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yea i totally forgot about that-that a lot of the time, substance abuse is used as a coping mechanism. So, even though it wasn't apparent to me at the time, he has deeper issues going on.
I can see my relationship with him being built on lies, although I can't say for sure. I don't think I even know who he is. Perhaps it's just a fictional person that I really do like and care for. But, I don't know. I just don't know if he was dishonest about himself and who he is. I mean, outside of being an addict-but at least he opened up about that.
Ugh. this is so frustrating. I feel like, everyone has these clear cut experiences and mine just isn't like that. Or maybe it is, but I just can't see it right now. I've been racking my brain trying to think of anything that would have hinted that he could turn out like this.
I can see my relationship with him being built on lies, although I can't say for sure. I don't think I even know who he is. Perhaps it's just a fictional person that I really do like and care for. But, I don't know. I just don't know if he was dishonest about himself and who he is. I mean, outside of being an addict-but at least he opened up about that.
Ugh. this is so frustrating. I feel like, everyone has these clear cut experiences and mine just isn't like that. Or maybe it is, but I just can't see it right now. I've been racking my brain trying to think of anything that would have hinted that he could turn out like this.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
That is EXACTLY how I felt. I honestly don't think I ever really knew him. I think he played the part of someone he wished he was and most likely really struggled to keep up the charade. Once his truth was revealed, all hell broke loose. He'd never pulled disappearing acts before, twisted my words or played the blame game.
I told myself the same thing in the beginning - at least he opened up and told me about it. But after some time and distance, I realized that his omission of that very important part of himself was unacceptable to me. If I had known he was in AA for 10 years and was drinking again because "he could handle it now", I would never have started the relationship. If you knew from the get go that he was a methadone user and ex-heroin addict, would that be someone you'd want to be with?
I told myself the same thing in the beginning - at least he opened up and told me about it. But after some time and distance, I realized that his omission of that very important part of himself was unacceptable to me. If I had known he was in AA for 10 years and was drinking again because "he could handle it now", I would never have started the relationship. If you knew from the get go that he was a methadone user and ex-heroin addict, would that be someone you'd want to be with?
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I think he held off on telling me because I have very strong opinions when it comes to drugs and alcohol due to my health problems. He understood my point of view, but I think he was really scared that he would lose me if he told me. Even when he told me and I said I wasn't judging him, he was genuinely shocked because he thought my reaction would be the complete opposite. He demonstrated he was responsible too....I don't even want to get into specifics, but just trust me on it. :P
If i had known when we were friends about his past and romantic feelings did develop, I probably would have given him a chance. I would have been very careful though.
But, even thinking back, we were BOTH insistent on making sure we took things slowly.
I was just talking to a friend of mine who's a recovering alcoholic and she said that he probably got scared because he was actually feeling legit feelings for me and pushed me away as a way to protect himself. Kinda like, 'i'm gonna push you first before you push me'....like he didn't believe that I wasn't judging him. When he told me about his past drug use, he sounded very sad when he told me that a lot of people judged him (this was after i told him that i wasn't).
and i know, i know.....addicts are 'master manipulators'. So it's like, I know his feelings for me are legit, however, the hows and whys of his actions are just confusing. Maybe he IS using again. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he felt that he was gonna relapse, so pushing me away was what was best for him. I mean, when we had gotten into a fight, he told me he wouldnt be able to hang out for a couple days because he needed time to think about things. See? awesome communication, then after he tells me his big secret....nothing.
(haha i'm going in circles here!!)
If i had known when we were friends about his past and romantic feelings did develop, I probably would have given him a chance. I would have been very careful though.
But, even thinking back, we were BOTH insistent on making sure we took things slowly.
I was just talking to a friend of mine who's a recovering alcoholic and she said that he probably got scared because he was actually feeling legit feelings for me and pushed me away as a way to protect himself. Kinda like, 'i'm gonna push you first before you push me'....like he didn't believe that I wasn't judging him. When he told me about his past drug use, he sounded very sad when he told me that a lot of people judged him (this was after i told him that i wasn't).
and i know, i know.....addicts are 'master manipulators'. So it's like, I know his feelings for me are legit, however, the hows and whys of his actions are just confusing. Maybe he IS using again. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he felt that he was gonna relapse, so pushing me away was what was best for him. I mean, when we had gotten into a fight, he told me he wouldnt be able to hang out for a couple days because he needed time to think about things. See? awesome communication, then after he tells me his big secret....nothing.
(haha i'm going in circles here!!)
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
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I hope you keep reading around these forums and learning all you can about addiction. It's definitely not an easy road. Trying to figure out why anyone does anything can make you crazy...I know from experience. Maybe try to shift the focus to what you want for yourself. Take the addiction out of it and think about the way you want to be treated in a relationship. His addiction is not a reason or an excuse to treat you poorly.
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oooh trust me, for the past couple weeks my life has been consumed with learning about addiction. Going back to therapy will help a lot too...along with getting over the flu/whatever and getting outside! haha.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Wow this sounds a lot like the situation I'm in right now. I've been with my boyfriend 2 years and just found out that he has been going to a methodone/suboxone clinic behind my back (he said he's been on subox for the last 3 years). I feel so misled to think that the drug use was part of his past and I don't know how I can continue in this relationship when I no longer trust him. This just happened this week so I am going to wait a little while and see what happens. But it's not easy. In a way, it's good they are getting treatment but still, they are not fully recovered, they are IN recovery. It is so easily to relapse, especially if they are still hanging around the same people and places they did when they were on the drugs (all my boyfriend's friends and coworkers are on drugs.) Unfortunately I have not figured out what should be done yet, but I so feel your pain!
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well you've been with him for 2 years...has he ever done anything else to make you think you can't trust him? i would wait it out and see what happens....maybe look into counseling for the both of you.
this whole situation sucks hard. Today is my birthday and i'm at home still horribly sick!
this whole situation sucks hard. Today is my birthday and i'm at home still horribly sick!
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Thanks
I just still dont understand why he sent it. Part of me thinks he really is using again and is too ashamed to let me in cuz id find out. A small part thinks hes seeing someone else and keeping me on the backburner.
I did cave and text "thanks. I really miss you"....but never got anything back. Im so torn and upset.
I just still dont understand why he sent it. Part of me thinks he really is using again and is too ashamed to let me in cuz id find out. A small part thinks hes seeing someone else and keeping me on the backburner.
I did cave and text "thanks. I really miss you"....but never got anything back. Im so torn and upset.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Hi Cali, I have been silently reading the posts.
When he texted Happy Birthday it was nice for him to remember your birthday but he did so because he wants to stay in your mind in case he needs you when he can't get what he needs somewhere else.
When he texted Happy Birthday it was nice for him to remember your birthday but he did so because he wants to stay in your mind in case he needs you when he can't get what he needs somewhere else.
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From what I'm learning.....because someone is an addict, or a recovering addict, then that means they automatically ALL have the same characteristics. I think it's kinda of stupid to make generalizations about a persons character because they fall into a category.
I do not know if he's using again. In fact, I don't know what's going on in his head right now, and neither do any of you. To make assumptions about him based on what I've noticed or seen, or based on the simple fact that he used heroin is just absurd.
Im sorry but I'm just really frustrated and really really tired.
I do not know if he's using again. In fact, I don't know what's going on in his head right now, and neither do any of you. To make assumptions about him based on what I've noticed or seen, or based on the simple fact that he used heroin is just absurd.
Im sorry but I'm just really frustrated and really really tired.
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