CaliSoca

Oh im sure a lot of them are lying.
I realized today that i need to delete my account.

Gosh i want to contact him so bad but i know that nothing will come of it. Idk what i would even say "ill take you ignoring me as a sign that you want nothing to do with me.pls get help". It wouldnt even do any good....he just cares about the drugs.

But what i dont get is why hes still on that dating site. :/

FindinGrace

IMO you really shouldn't care at this point if he is on a dating site. If you go back and read your posts, you will see how crazy you are "allowing" this man to make you. (said with love of course) One of my best friend is going through a separation (not due to drugs) and I FINALLY had a conversation with her that wasn't ABOUT HIM. You tend to focus your attention on what HE is doing. How HE must be feeling. Just a question: What about YOU?

drinkingwater

I'm with FindinGrace... who cares what he's doing on the dating site? It's not your problem and you don't have to worry about it. (I do think it says he didn't really value you though. Or maybe he saw you on there and decided just to be a jerk? Either way, you don't have to waste your energy on it) You seem like a really sweet, caring, awesome girl and I think you deserve so much more than what you've had. Please take care of yourself before you jump into other things. I just want to give you a great big hug!

drinkingwater

CaliSoca

thanks guys.
It's just the not knowing that makes me all crazy-overthinking etc. He was mean and nasty to me AND lied about who he is. I deserve more than that. I DO need to stay far away from him because it's not healthy for me at all.

CaliSoca

here it is several hours later and I just want to email him and get some things off of my chest-like how he dumped this all on me and left me to figure it out for myself, how he was nasty and cruel to me......but does that make me codependent? And will all that just fall upon deaf ears?

CaliSoca

i guess there's a small part of me that will feel gratification for telling him what a jerk he was to me. But, you know....I think he knows. He knows what he did and how he treated me and attacking him will probably only make me look crazy.

He lies about who he is....he sees himself and acts like the person he wants to/should be instead of who he really is.

FindingPeace1

cali, can you see in your posts (and your mind) how you allow yourself to spend SO MUCH TIME going around in circles
Why is he like that?
Was he lying to me?
Why did he do that?
What is he doing?
What is he thinking?

On and on.
We all do this, at the start - at our arrival here.
We are a stuck record, circling endlessly on HIM obsession.

Meanwhile, OUR life and OUR feeling and OUR needs are ignored (by us AND our partners)!
We are so busy obsessing on them, we don't even know who we are and what we need.
If we did, we'd know we were valuable human beings.
We'd respect ourselves.
We'd settle for no less than respect from others.

And when we were treated like crap (like he has been treating you), we'd care LESS about why and MORE about the fact that THAT is unacceptable treatment and we won't stand for it.

So, as a wonderful SR member said to me once, I will say to you:

It's time to put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror.

What I mean is, try typing a post...
then before you click "Post reply", review it for HIM-centric thoughts.
Then delete all him-centric obsessing, and start filling in with the introspection of:
Who am I?
How do I feel?
Why?
What do I want?
WHat do I deserve?
What is a deal breaker for me?
Etc.

Hugs,
peace

FindinGrace

Call a girlfriend and get it out.....then stop.

FindinGrace

I'm going to do what findingpeace suggested with your post:

here it is several hours later and I just for myself, how ....but does that make me codependent?

Not trying to be funny here, just pointing out what we would like you to see.....

CaliSoca

thanks again everyone

the weather is getting nicer so i'll be getting out more. Im' just stuck in this mode where i miss him SO much....like, my heart feels like it's going to explode.

FindinGrace

Just keep reminding yourself: You miss what you WANT him to be. Not what he IS.... an addict. God Bless.

CaliSoca

Or the person he portrayed himself to be. :p

fourmaggie

@Cali, I am sorry you are going through all this...but everything i see in responses to you...are all right on the money....
I dont know how old you are, but maybe in some areas you are just naive. I was always taught to have respect myself and have morals and values...and i am learning well, they are ME...all of it...I dont let anyone in that is so toxic for me...that is my BOUNDARIES, I take care of me 1st and my children are right along beside me....

I learned i do quite well for myself with no man in my life....I am a widow and he showed me its ok to be who i am...i so admired my beloved and even though he died young, he should me so much love and respect that i know what i deserve the best for ME...

please be kind to YOU. NO is a complete sentence...you need to discover you right now...with no obstacles in the way....(and that includes bad behaviours that are not tolerated)

I am a bitch..(but in a good way i look at i....men think by "trying" to get their way is gonna work for them


B beautiful lady
I in
T total
C control of
H herself

its ok to not know all the answers to those questions...we either are not ready or we dont have the tools yet...

but its ok to be me...ALONE

CaliSoca

fourmaggie-
Thank you for your response.
I have my ups and downs with this whole thing. It's been a month since it all happened. I actually thought I saw/heard him with another girl at the grocery store the other night. I didn't see his face but it sounded/looked (from behind) exactly like him. I know, I know...who cares? let him date! It just hurts that he lied to me about what he was feeling towards me and most importantly, he lied about who he is.
I was accepting of him. I went out of my way to learn about addiction. He knows this and pushed me away...and I know he will never find someone as loving/accepting/awesome as me. Sounds arrogant, but it's true.
Last night I finally signed up to volunteer with an animal shelter. Animals are wonderful therapy. I also have my tri-monthly psych appointment tomorrow-the first since this whole thing happened so I'm looking forward to it.

I think....I need to take this one day at a time.

hello-kitty

You are going to have so much fun and get so much out of volunteering at the animal shelter. Good for you!!!!! And good for the animals too.

CaliSoca

thanks! I'm really looking forward to it!
I want a dog so bad but they're not allowed in my building, so this will be like having a dog...hehe.

CaliSoca

Latest:
I thought i had deleted him from facebook, but apparently didnt. I found out when he posted a status update (something about how he doesnt know who the girl is with him in his profile pic and how hard it is being a pimp). It made me upset...and panic-y. Stupid, i know....but you know, it made me realize that 1)he really doesnt care about me and 2)hes right-i am much better off without him. I deserve MORE. i deserve to be with someone who is considerate of my feelings. This guy wasnt-he knew what his words and actions were doing to me and said/did nothing!

Last night i had dinner with a guy and hes SO sweet-he has his life together....and is genuine. .

Just wanted to get that all out there.