bookwyrm

There is just so much I want to say...I'm struggling to summarise the chapter because every single word is important to me! So I'm just going to write a little bit about each chapter as an intro and hope the 'message' comes out in the discussion.

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Mystery.

Each chapter starts with some quotes:

He's two different people. I feel like I'm living with DR Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

He really doesn't mean to hurt me. He just loses control

Everyone else thinks he's great. I don't know what it is about me that sets him off.

He's fine when he's sober. But when he's drunk, watch out.

I feel like he's never happy with anything I do.

He's scared me a few times, but he never touches the children. He's a great father.

He calls me disgusting names and then an hour later he wants sex. I don't get it.

He messes up my mind sometimes.

The thing is, he really understands me.

Why does he do that?

This chapter provides some stark statistics (taken from 2002 when the book was published). Looking at purely physical violence, 2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the US. The US Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44. The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life.
More than one third of all female homicide victims in the US are killed by partners and ex partners per year.

“As alarming as this picture is...three are millions more women who have never been beaten but who live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion and other forms of psychological abuse…”

bookwyrm

For a long time I didn't see the abuse in my relationship with XAH. It wasn't until I was free of him and reading here that I realised just what I had lived through!

The way Lundy describes the mental confusion of living with an abuser in this chapter scares and reassures me all at once. XAH could be sweet, kind and considerate. He could also be controlling and manipulative and I was never sure which he was being at any given time. He was 'only' physically violent a few times. It was the emotional and psychological abuse that I'm slowly coming to grips with. A lot of what he told me, a lot of what I believed, just isn't true...

A quote from the end of the chapter:
"The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can't control and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions unless he can throw everyone off track."

I wasn't going mad, I wasn't losing my mind, I wasn't stupid or forgetful or any of those things. As hard and as shameful as it is for me to admit to - I was being abused.

StarCat

One of the things that stood out to me was the list of the symptoms of abuse.

• The escalating frequency of put-downs
• Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness
• Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way
• Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault
• His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does
• A mounting sense of fear and intimidation

That was XABF, totally and completely.
This section also made my blood run cold, because it took me right back to trying to talk to him, and trying to figure out if I was crazy:

At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he's in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, "I just can't seem to do anything right."

At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees.

These two sections were what I underlined the most in this chapter.
It made it difficult to remove myself from the situation, because the little lost puppy kept reappearing and saying how much he "needed me". He needed an enabler, but anyone one would do, and I happened to be the easiest, I know that now.
The symptoms of abuse snuck up on me, gradually over time, in such a way that I truly did believe it was my fault. I have been cleaning out my email, and have run across quite a few of my "apology letters" I sent to him, and I am sicked by the tone of self-hatred I put into them, and the begging and pleading for him to let me have "one more try" after doing something that met with his disapproval.

I am glad that the book keeps stressing that it is a gradual process, because looking back on what I survived, I wondered how I let myself get into that situation in the first place. I never will be "good enough" for him - but I am certainly good enough for myself, and I'm still getting better!

boomerlady

Thanks so much for posting this information on the first chapter of the book. I must get this book. I can so relate to the following symptoms you listed:
Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way
Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault

Just this afternoon I was told that I needed to watch my mouth after one of his verbal explosions. He then turned it around on me and said it was my negativity that caused his feedback! This was unfortunately in front of our granddaughter. After a few more arguments she overheard between us she looked at me and said, "you just need to tell him to listen to you". She's three and this made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I told her "sorry, honey, it wouldn't do any good because he never listens to me".

I don't want her to see this kind of behavior from a man so I found this very disturbing. Just one more good reason to leave my AH....funny how he gives me more reasons everyday.

bookwyrm

Starcat, that whole page made me shiver. It was a gradual process and, just like his drinking, it kept escalating over time. I still can't get my head around how I managed to end up married to an abuser - I swore I would never tolerate the behaviour that my dad dished out. Hah.

I changed myself beyond all recognition for him. I thought if I could just say or do the right things he would be happy.


But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behaviour or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.

I need to finally 'get' this, to remove all the blame on my shoulders that doesn't belong there. Progress not perfection!

Kassie2

Hi BW,

I too have repeated the "attraction" to this pattern with men on a continuum. I am reading the ACA book and am understanding that we simply repeat what we learn. You (like myself and others) saw the obvious wrongs in behavior of a parent and were determined not to repeat those behaviors. However, without the coaching of a different model for relating to self, others, and the world we have limited options. The signs are soft in the beginning of a romantic relationship because those are the rules - win them over and then wham suddenly be your (ugly) self. Confusion#1

The second factor we struggle with is the comfort level adopted by living with bad behavior - we see it, know it, but are used to it. We learn to tolerate in order to survive and that doesn't go away over night. We don't like it, may be afraid of it, but we can tolerate it. Sounds sick but it the way things work. So you have to work to extricate yourself and slowly decrease your tolerance and increase your comfort level with unfamiliar behaviors. I remember telling myself that I understood his feelings based on his childhood. Then I told myself he was having a bad day or week - we all have them. Then, it was the alcohol talking. EVen with therapy, "it takes time".

Excuses just showed my tolerance and comfort level for behavior that most "normals" wouldn't tolerate. When I understood that one - it got easier to say excuses don't change the behavior - choices do.

So when reading, be kind to yourself, be patient, you already started to make a better life for yourself by taking the first step. Horray! for anyone doing this.

bookwyrm

Instead of starting a new thread per chapter, I'll just keep adding them on here when I have the time - makes it easier for me to find them again!

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Mythology.

He's crazy

He feels so bad about himself. I just need to build up his self image a little.

He just loses it.

He's so insecure

His mother abused him, and now he has a grudge against women and he takes it out on me.

I'm so confused. I don't understand what's going on with him.

This chapter debunks the common myths about abusers:

1. He was abused as a child.
2. His previous partner hurt him.
3. He abuses those he loves the most.
4. He holds in his feelings too much.
5. He has an aggressive personality.
6. He loses control.
7. He is too angry.
8. He is mentally ill.
9. He hates women.
10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
11. He has low self esteem.
12. His boss mistreats him.
13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
14. There are as many abusive women as there are abusive men.
15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
16. He is a victim of racism.
17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.

Bring on the mythbusters!

bookwyrm

This chapter was such a huge eye-opener for me. XAH used a number of these myths with me - and I believed them.

The biggest one, for me, was that he 'just lost control'. Lundy punctures this one well. If he lost all control why am I still alive? Why didn't he do worse things than he did? He was still under control. He just gave himself the green light to go ahead and go on the rampage. "the abuser's problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his partner is justifiable." Some of the examples in the book are chilling in their calculation. But then I remembered the reptilian look XAH would sometimes get before trying to hurt me. I think I can see him working it out in his head what he was going to do next...

I also believed the low self esteem myth. I tried to encourage him. To make him feel better. I even got married to reassure him (I was quite happy living together and didn't really want to get married!). It just made him worse. One point that was well made. My self esteem is very low, squashed by XAH's bullying. But guess what? I haven't suddenly turned into an explosive and bullying person!

And of course, I believed that he was only like that because of the alcohol. As has already been stated elsewhere, if you take the alcohol out of a drunken horse thief, you still end up with a horse thief...

bookwyrm

Key points from the chapter are listed at the end:

An abusive man's emotional problems do not cause his abusiveness. You can't change him by figuring out what is bothering him, helping him feel better or improving the dynamics of your relationship.

Feelings do not govern abusive or controlling behaviour: beliefs; values and habits are the driving forces.

The reasons that an abusive man gives for his behaviour are simply excuses. There is no way to overcome a problem with abusiveness by focussing on tangents such as self esteem, conflict resolution, anger management or impulse control. Abusiveness is resolved by dealing with abusiveness.

Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner's abuse problem is his own.

bookwyrm

I really, really wish I had read this book years earlier. I wasted so much time trying to 'help' XAH. He really had me where he wanted me! The drivers behind abuse - thought patterns rather than feeling - has helped me make sense of some of what happened. XAH used much more forethought that I ever though.

This chapter also speaks volumes to me about growing up in an abusive house. My dad was abusive because he was abusive. It had nothing to do with how good or bad I was. Whether I was unlovable, horrible, difficult and less than perfect. This, for me, is HUGE.


And I've just about typed enough for one night!

theuncertainty

This is one of the lines I've underlined, highlighted and flagged; I go back and read it often to remind myself that it wasn't my fault. It's amazing but I still catch myself believing that if I'd tried just a little harder to communicate with XAH, that our relationship wouldn't have been what it was.

It's astoundingly hard to move beyond that belief.

theuncertainty

I'm sitting here with a very wry smile on my face. Holy cow. I was still believing this one.

Here are the main myths that caught me and the mythbusting in his case:

He holds in his feelings too much. - When I tried to tell his sister what our relationship was like, she basically waived my concerns off and told me "Yeah, he's always bottled up and pushed down his feelings too much." So his family perpetuated this one too.
Busting: My dad is fairly quiet about his feelings, but he never withheld his affection as punishment (or otherwise) and he was never abusive.

He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment. - This one made so much sense to me, because it seemed like every step I took towards him, the more steps he took back.
Busting: Hmmmm. Not sure how to bust this one in XAH’s case, other than to say, not every one who is afraid of getting close to some one, decides to scare the sh-t out of the person they don’t want to get close to; some people walk away.

He has low self esteem. – He was forever telling me how the school system mistreated him and put him in ‘special’ classes because he was dyslexic and they didn’t understand. Or that he grew so fast and so tall that he was clumsy and every one made fun of him. So he’s always felt really bad about himself. He was also always telling me that I deserved some one better than him and he was sorry he was not better at x, y, z. So I completely thought, “Well, if I just boost him up and tell him how amazing he is, he’ll no longer feel bad and won’t take it out on me.” Thing is, none of the ego strokes that I gave him were ever enough. His pleasure in being thought well of never kept him from being mean and intimidating for long.
Busting: He went around saying “They think I’m god.” “I’m the best f-ing player/worker/etc. they have and this is how they treat me.” Yeah, he’s a delicate flower.

His boss mistreats him. – He’s still pulling this one. One year while we were still together, he had 3 jobs in the space of a couple months; more recently he’s had 6 jobs in less than a year. It was always: “They disrespected me.” “They didn’t want me to do this part of the job even though I can, so they punished me for working hard.” “They didn’t have enough hours for me.”
Busting: He went to work hung over. He went to work still drunk. He lost his temper and walked off the job. He’d injure himself while at work because he was hung over or still drunk. I’m pretty sure those paid a very large part in losing the jobs; and I’m pretty sure employers will have a problem with any employee who does this, not just XAH.

He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution. – Yep, I remember thinking “Oh, if only he knew how to communicate how he’s feeling or learn how to ‘fight fair’ he wouldn’t resort to treating me this way.” (intimidation, threats, etc.) I even went to a counselor to learn how to communicate with him.
Busting: He knows how to fight fair. I’ve seen him disagree with his coaches, his bosses, others in a reasonable manner. He just chooses not to with me.

He abuses alcohol or drugs. – Yep. I left him because of his drinking and completely thought that once he stopped drinking, he’d also stop being abusive.
Busting: He got worse, much worse, when he stopped drinking.

starlight40

Thankyou so much for this thread!
I can relate to everything you all are saying. Here I was shell shocked because I'm just waking up to the fact that I can not go on with my AH because of his drinking, and now after reading this I'm realizing that not nly is he abusive,,,,,(I thought I had that one covered cause I left my first husband no problem for that)
But also my GA father was abusive in almost exactly the same way. Sure I knew all the terrible thingns he did to me lie, steal etc. But I had never realized until just now that he was just as abusive to me (my whole life) (I haven't spokn to him in 2 yrs) as my AH is.

Wow I have been abused for 40 yrs.! How utterly terrifying, and cathartic at the same time.

Thank you You have all given me a lot to chew on tonight.

StarCat

Alright, I underlined a lot in this chapter... It really spoke to me, and helped me understand so many things.

A couple things that struck me:

He holds in his feelings too much
They have an exaggerated idea of how important their feelings are, and they talk about their feelings - and act them out - all the time, until their partners and children are exhausted from hearing about it all. Am abuser's emotions are as likely to be too big as too small. They can fill up the whole house. When he feels bad, he thinks that life should stop for everyone else in the family until someone fixes his discomfort. His partner's life crises, the children's sicknesses, meals, birthdays - nothing else matters as much as his feelings.
It is not HIS feelings the abuser is too distant from; it is his PARTNER's feelings.

Yes! I even wrote a lot in the margin on this page, especially:
His feelings > my feelings
His wants > my needs

Everything was always about him, and when I did not act sufficiently upset by something, he accused me of not understanding empathy or sympathy and not caring whether he lived or died. Never mind that he was an emotional wreck because his manager typed "u" instead of "you" in an email.


He has a violent, explosive personality
The main note I made in this section:
Movies - uneducated drunks
Reality - "Count Dracula," suave
It's true, too... Movies portray things like this as obvious, whereas the truth of the situation is that an abusive man is a suave gentleman... Until he decides to suck you dry, that is.

I also remember asking the psychologist at work if it was possible for someone to be a codependent and a narcissist. I asked because XABF was always taking things for granted when it came to those close to him, but would completely inconvenience himself to help a total stranger. The closer I got to him emotionally, the less he offered to me, and the more he demanded from me. Until I got close, I had no idea he was capable of all these things.


He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment
This one spoke to me a lot. I learned that in XABF's case, he can only have a close relationship with one person at a time, and he spends 100% of his time obsessing over that person, and expects that person to do the same.
I told him while he was in rehab that I needed distance, and a chance to rediscover myself, and that when he got out we needed to take things slow to rebuild each other individually first, then work on the relationship afterwards.
In return, he called me incessantly, and proposed to me while in rehab.
I felt very manipulated and controlled the whole time he was in rehab, despite multiple requests to the facility to prevent the phone calls as well.


He suffers from low self-esteem.
I highlighted and starred the paragraph multiple times:

The self-esteem myth is rewarding for an abuser, because it gets his partner, his therapist, and others to cater to him emotionally. Imagine the privileges an abusive man may acquire: getting his own way most of the time, having his partner bend over backward to keep him happy so he won't explode, getting to behave as he pleases, and then on top of it all, he gets PRAISE for what a good person he is, and everyone is trying to help HIM feel better about himself!

Man, oh man, no wonder me trying to talk things out with him didn't work.
He got too many perks the old way, why would he want to change?


Poor communication
XABF was a great communicator. He convinced site managers to do things he said simply because he announced it was the right thing to do, and got them to stop working on pet projects simply because he announced they wouldn't work. Someone who wields power like that at work certainly doesn't have poor communication skills.


Also, something that meant a lot to me:
And you are not "enabling" your partner to mistreat you; he is entirely responsible for his own actions.
This point was REALLY important to me.


Past my bedtime, so that's all I've got to say for the moment.
Thank you for running this thread, bookwyrm!

bookwyrm

Theuncertainty - were we married to the same man??

Starlight - I get it too! I thought I was reading about XAH. All it took was a slight refocus and I was reading about my dad! It was a bit like looking at one of those pictures where it's a duck one way and a face another. Have I EVER had a close, non-abusive relationship with a man?

Starcat - I could have written about this chapter all night too. I believed my dad is a narcissist but after reading this chapter he really is just an abusive man.

Thanks for joining in! It's a horrible 'club' to be part of but it is good to see that I'm not alone. That is wasn't just me.

nodaybut2day

ok as soon as I finish my essay, I'm getting this book. I've been trying to stay away from your thread bookwyrm, because it felt too painful to read. I think it's time I jumped in.

Has anyone experienced a transformation in status in the eyes of their abuser?

I did. At first, I was "different than all the others" because I "was faithful and cared". That was when my codieness had me completely besotted and devoted to him. He was my sun and my moon. Eventually though, time passed by and he started to find reasons to blame me, belittle and berate me. If I didn't tell him every single detail about my day, I became a liar. When I went on film shoots or auditions and had to have any kind of physical contact with another male, I was unfaithful. And of course, when I stripped 5 nights a week to support him and his son, I was a *****. At that point, I was "just like all the others", untrustworthy, a liar and a *****. Every perceived offense gave him justification to feel superior to me and thus to punish me.

Ah the memories....

StarCat

Yes! This is my "relationship" with XABF, right here.
I was perfect, his "Angel," the only person in the world who understood him.
Until finally I apparently wanted him to die, which was okay with him because he was dying anyway, since I couldn't take care of him, and why didn't I answer the phone when he called 20 times in a 30-second timeframe, and I ruined his whole day because I took the stairs instead of the elevator, and, and, and...


I am currently cleaning out my email, and looking at what I was writing even then, there were warning signs. I mean, look at this email I wrote to him, for example?
I remember this meeting. My 2nd level manager wanted to convince me to join a special program at work that I didn't want to join, and he was so forceful trying to get me to give the answer he wanted me to give, and wasn't listening at all that I finally announced "This meeting is over," left his office, and broke down in tears when I was safely away. And XABF snapped because I got upset, and that made him really upset, and how dare I get him upset.

My emotions were supposed to be extensions of his, and heaven forbid I have emotions myself without being prompted.

Gah. Excuse me while I go throw up. I thought this was NORMAL?????

nodaybut2day

oh boy Starcat...I think I wrote MANY similar emails, promising to be a better woman for him, to live up to his expectations, not to hurt him *anymore*, etc etc. And I REALLY did try to be better, to earn his approval/respect, and of course, I ALWAYS fell short. I was never good enough, faithful enough, honest enough, horny enough, tolerant enough, supportive enough, protective enough...ARG!

Bolina

Brilliant thread. Need to go back and see if I have anything to add when I've digested what has already been written.

My first thought when I read it through was it really is not about the drink. I think that's why I sometimes get frustrated at threads that focus on the how, why and where of the drinking (and have learnt not to post on them really). In the vast majority of situations on here it is such a red herring.

Thanks for the thread - i think it will be a great resource.


ETA: re the threads on drinking. I understand why they are written and totally get why someone would go down that route as my thinking was the same. I see now that it is such a waste of time. Wasn't flaming anyone in that place at all.

StarCat

I wrote millions!
The part that sickens me, is that this one I wrote only two months into the relationship! And here I was thinking it only happened in the last year or so.

Gag me with a spoon.