NightandDay

hi guys,

been reading a lot on here today. yesterday was really rough for me.

was feeling weird about my bf's behavior, he only got out of rehab 1 week, or rather, 10 days ago. we don't live in the same state, so i generally only talk or text with him daily. i have seen him once since he got out of rehab, and it was in the very beginning.

so yesterday i emailed his friend to ask if he had noticed anything weird about my guy. he wrote back immediately with multiple details confirming that he is slipping majorly on his road to recovery.

so i tried to, kindly, ask my bf about this. told him i understood that relapse is part of the process, etc. he freaked out, hung up on me, and then basically broke up with me over text. he was really emotionally manipulative and mean.

ok, so i've got to stop checking up on him. i was snooping a lot before, but i guess i also have to stop asking questions of his friends/family when i sense something is wrong. but WHY exactly do i have to do this? my instincts are ALWAYS right. if it feels weird, then something shady is usually going on. am i just supposed to think, "ok, well, he's clearly going down the wrong path again, oh well?" i mean, we are in a relationship. i just don't see how it can go forward without honesty.

i'm still in this relationship because i want to support him in his recovery, which he says he wants. i am working on my recovery as well.

i mean. . bottom line. . why are ANY of us in relationships with addicts?? it really makes no sense. detachment, boundaries, etc. . . i mean, is it all just there to fool our minds until we actually leave them?

i'm so confused. he was talking about recovery and going to meetings and i wanted to be part of this with him. . . how can i be part of this if he isn't honest though? and if my calling him on his dishonesty is a PROBLEM? i mean. . . how can that be a PROBLEM???

it seems like the only options available to me are rather extreme then: leave him and don't look back or be in a really sh*tty relationship where I have to pretend that things aren't getting out of whack when they are. I know this seems simplistic and I'm probably asking too many questions. . but I need some guidance today.

I truly do not see how my wanting evidence that I'm not crazy for thinking he's shady is problematic. Okay, lemme have it. . . but be nice, please.

ladyamalthea

Now I'm confused...
You said he broke up with you, but you're still in the relationship? Kinda hard to have a relationship with someone who has left, isn't it?

BTW, if you're this focused on hiim, you're not focusing on you. Which makes me wonder how your recovery is coming along??? Remember your three c's and do something nice for yourself today that doesn't involve him.

MsPINKAcres

it is such a tough place to be when YOU see the disease taking them back

Oh it was so painful for me - when I saw it creeping back in my now ex AH's life ~

It took every ounce of my recovery to deal with it. I learned different methods of approach, with dignity, respect, honor and all the aspects that recovery teach us

I used all of them ~ and as sad as it is to say - it didn't matter

he was still angry, bitter, resentful, denied it and played the victim

WHY?

because that is the nature of the disease of alcoholism and addiction

IT has nothing to do with me or you or the questions we ask ~ It has to do with the pain of addiction and the path that relapse takes them down.

It has to do with their lack of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love.

So finally, I reached a point that I quit asking - because I didn't need HIM to verify what I already knew. I became wise enough to trust my own instincts ~

If it walked like a Duck
If it quacked like a Duck
If it looked like a Duck

IT was a Duck - even if it called itself a Camel

So, please keep taking care of YOU, keep focusing on your recovery, what is healthy, wise and recovery oriented for YOU
Remember don't give up before the miracles happen in you, you deserve it~!

HUGS,
Rita

NightandDay

he threatens and does this all the time, so i'm pretty sure it's not a real break up. i don't know anymore.

NightandDay

unrelated.. . how do i quote things in my replies? the thing i did above looks a bit wonky.

ladyamalthea

I ususally just use the "Quote" button at the bottom right of the post I want to quote from, and then delete the parts I don't want when it shows up in my text box. But I'm not even sure what all the different quote buttons do, I just use the first one lol.

The thing is, I'm sure he knows you care and want to be there for him. Why not go no contact for a few days, and see what happens? Even if you know that relapse is part of the process, I would hesitate to make him think you are okay with him relapsing.

NightandDay

thanks for the tech help, girl!

Right. But it SUCKS for me. We were supposed to go away this weekend. last weekend was my bday and I went away on my own, didn't want to risk him ruining it for me. But this weekend we were supposed to go to his friend's wedding on Saturday and have Friday be MY night. And I was gonna get all these sweet things from him, he promised. . . UGH, i HATE myself. I am so upset. I mean. . . F*CK HIM. Fine no contact. But what a sh*tty time for him to pull this. I am so pissed and hurt and I definitely deserve better.

I guess I am still feelilng like I did something wrong and deserve to feel as bad as I do right now.

hello-kitty

Relapse is part of the disease. If we walk around telling people their relapses are acceptable, we are creating an easy out for them. We are telling them it doesn't matter whether or not they use - just as long as they are in the process of recovery. And that's a load. Because recovery means not using.

We MUST have firm boundaries when it comes to the people we allow in our lives and the treatment we will accept from them.

Honestly, If I was you, I'd get myself to some Al-anon meetings, I'd buy or borrow some books on Codependency, Boundaries and a book called Women Who Love Too Much and start focusing on my own life.

You can wait forever, but he might never get better. And you'll just get sicker.

When do your needs and does your future start to matter in this relationship? If you don't treat yourself with respect, he's not going to either.

Have you read this yet? I know it hurts and it's hard to accept. But it's very true.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

ladyamalthea

Aw... please don't feel that way!

You did nothing to deserve any of this. I don't care what mistakes are in your past, no one causes another person to behave this way. They make that decision on their own.

HE is a first-class jerk who doesn't deserve you. YOU deserve so much better.

Why not go to the wedding without him, if you're still wanting to go? Being around other friends may be good for you. And that gives you yet one more reason to indulge in some pampering between now and then.

I would definitely not wait around for him to keep his promises, though. Clearly he is not doing so well with recovery right now, and the good news is that you are far enough away that setting boundaries can be that much easier. Nothing wrong with asking him to not call you until he plans to get back into active recovery, and reminding him that you want to be supportive of his recovery, but you will not tolerate his rudeness/abuse/etc while he is usng.

You can do this.

loveandlost

I understand where you are coming from in that he is not doing well and your in a relationship with him but I agree with the other people who posted. It is so hard to just let go but I am in the same kind of situation and it is hard to let go I know. I still occasionally drive by where he is staying to see if his car is still there. Just to prove to myself that I know what is going on.

I have spent the last few days just relaxing and doing what I want and sure enough I am starting to get that sick feeling to go away. We know as family member of addicts what they are up to. And like it was posted if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it is a duck!

Thanks for sharing and honestly the postings help me as well to see that I amm not the only one here going through all this crap!

liesagain

He acts like this because it works for him................hes in the wrong, you found out he was wrong so he pushes you away and you cling to him

its the cycle that often keeps us stuck.

ladyamalthea

ND,

How are those al-anon meetings going girly?

Freedom1990

Let's back up the wagons here a bit. Who told you that relapse is a part of the process?

Relapse is a conscious choice to return to active addiction, and it has nothing to do with 'the process.'

My sponsor will celebrate 29 years clean/sober next month. I will celebrate 20 years clean/sober.

Maybe this isn't a life or death thing with your boyfriend...yet. It is for me, my sponsor, and a whole lot of other people in my recovery circle.

I have watched many people over the years make excuses, relapse, in and out and in and out of recovery, and end up dead.

My EXAH was buried at the tender age of 47, complications due to AIDS contracted while sharing needles with someone else while I was in rehab.

Dead is dead. There's no recovery from that.

Some, like a gal I sponsored in the mid 80's, just keep living in the eternal hell of active addiction.

If you don't get some help for yourself, he is going to chew you up and spit you out.

Your pain now will be a drop in the bucket compared to what lies ahead if you don't get healthy yourself, and detach from him and his disease.

I speak from experience.

I have been chewed up and spit out.

The ball is in your court. What do you want for your life that you can do for yourself?

dollydo

Honestly, you really cannot be part of anyones life when you live in different states and see each other on occasions. And, certainly you cannot keep tabs on an addict no matter if you live together or 200 miles apart. Addicts are cunning and bald face liers.

And, really what is the point? This is his addiction, and, if he so chooses, his recovery.

If you are not attending meetings I would suggest that you do. You are codependent and need recovery for yourself. Let the chips fall where they may for him...It is his problem, not yours.

NightandDay

i could not go to a meeting tonight. but i did have a session with my therapist and then i met up with a girl i met at the meetings.

here is what i saw tonight:

1) he is an abuser. he abuses drugs and people. i am one of those people and i want the abuse to stop.

2) i have to stay angry and not get sad so that i can tell him "you are not good for me and make me feel terrible. therefore i cannot see you."

3) my allowing him to continue his behavior with me is allowing him to continue his addiction. i cannot control whether or not he wants real help, but i can remove myself from harm's way and help myself.

it's coming to me. . . slowly. i am going to a meeting tomorrow night, my first free night all week.

ladyamalthea

There ya go! Keep moving forward. We're with you! :ghug3

Live

Yes, indeed.....this has not been an honorable, life affirming relationship and you do deserve that and I have to tell you...that thing about making dates and breaking them pizzed me off and I don't have that in my life anymore.

hello-kitty

Yes. We all deserve, have a basic human right to be treated with dignity. And he has not being treating you that way.

That is abuse. And we need to walk away.

When we don't, we are telling others that it's ok to treat us like a doormat.

sofacat

Japic-
"If it walked like a Duck
If it quacked like a Duck
If it looked like a Duck

IT was a Duck - even if it called itself a Camel."

I have to remind myself this daily.

NightandDay

this is the email i have written to send to my bf. please let me know if you think this is straightforward enough and not too kind:


"I am writing this to let you know that I cannot come with you this weekend. I am sorry because I would love to have a good time with you. But things with us are deteriorating & I need to separate myself from this situation.

I cannot see you right now because you make me feel terrible about myself when I have not done anything wrong. I cannot open myself up to your promises of better things in the future only to have you hit me below the belt a few days later. Somewhere inside you I believe there is that beautiful, wonderful [name of bf] and I hope he finds his way back. But I cannot sacrifice me in the hopes this will happen. You have treated me without respect or honesty for a very long time now and I am finished with that."

thoughts?