How to Trust Instincts & What that Means - Help!

Old 07-30-2010, 04:56 AM
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nightandday,

i think it would be fine to send the email. but then, the important part, is to follow through.

going no contact was the best thing i could do for clarity and for breaking the cycle.

why do we enter into, and stay, in relationships with addicts? oh, it's complicated. many, many reasons. keep coming here to S/R
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Old 07-30-2010, 05:58 AM
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he is just as mean, or meaner the next time..because abuse escalates.
this is something i am very good at forgetting.

as far as the whole "abuse" term goes, i am really just now for being able to use it in reference to anything that has happened in my life.

it is a crazy feeling.

my qualifiers are both of my parents, with whom i had an intensely emotionally and physically abusive relationship from the age of around 8 to sometime in my early 20's (i just turned 30 this week). i remember writing once my college creative writing class a story about a girl and her mother and physical abuse and the girl was my age in the story. one of the comments in class was how unrealistic the story was because no one would allow themselves to be abused at that age and the teacher agreed i should change the age of the girl. that was very confusing to me.

as far as my bf goes, he has already "realized" the error of his ways and i was left a 4 minute long message last night that was almost weepy sounding. and it breaks my heart. i wish so bad i could help but i do know that i can't. and i'm also kinda angry that he thinks it's that easy.

i have not yet responded nor have i sent the email.
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Old 07-30-2010, 07:04 AM
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How to Trust Instincts & What that Means - Help!

I was very drawn to the title of this thread. I believe that being caught up in the dance of addiction swallows us down into a vortex of confusion. Our instincts are thrown off and just don't work well anymore. I believe that we can't trust our instincts when we're being sucked into that wild, spinning, emotional, vortex. It's like one of those horrible carnival rides that spin you round and round and round and even when you first step off, your head is still spinning (and you feel like you're going to throw up). It's probably not the best time to eat a hotdog.

In the same way, when we are either still in the spinning vortex.....or when we first step back and begin to make realizations, it may not be the best time to trust our instincts. At least not until we regain our balance.

gentle hugs
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Old 07-30-2010, 07:25 AM
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Kindeyes,

This was beautifully put. Thank you.

Time for myself is what I need. And that is what I am going to take.

Today I am going to the beach and then to a meeting this evening. Is it okay for me to eat a cheeseburger though? Cuz I really want one even though I just stepped off the ride and may get sick at any moment
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Old 07-30-2010, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by NightandDay View Post
Kindeyes,

This was beautifully put. Thank you.

Time for myself is what I need. And that is what I am going to take.

Today I am going to the beach and then to a meeting this evening. Is it okay for me to eat a cheeseburger though? Cuz I really want one even though I just stepped off the ride and may get sick at any moment
LOL.....eat it at your own risk!
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Old 07-30-2010, 08:02 PM
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I sent the email to my bf!!!!

Not only did my bf call me last night and leave a 4 min long voicemail asking for forgiveness, but today he was texting me about this wedding we were supposed to be going to tomorrow. In his voicemail and texts he expressed regret over breaking up with me and being emotionally manipulative. He even said he understands if I cannot speak with him and need to separate myself.

I ignored his texts because I had already sent him an email saying that his recovery is his and mine is mine and I need time and space. I know he had not received it when he was texting me because he was at work and he works in landscaping, so is not near a computer nor does he have a smartphone on which to receive emails.

However, I am sure he has received it by now and I have not heard from him. Phew.

So. . . I took a step. I really don't know what happens next but I am looking forward to time alone NOT HAVING TO THINK ABOUT HIM AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!

I know I am going to miss him horribly, but I guess I will take everything in baby steps and try to focus on myself. Here goes nothin'. . .
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Old 07-31-2010, 06:04 AM
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i think you are doing really well.

for me, choosing to exit the relationship just seemed to be sort of easier to swallow doing it in stages. even as i saw the writing on the wall, i couldn't make a complete break -- i needed to leave a door open a crack.

what happened was that the crack got ever smaller, with each week, day, or hour that he was not turning his recovery around and making it what I NEEDED it to be, in order to continue the relationship. when i finally went no contact, i knew that i had given him every opportunity, and waited as long as i possibly could have. it was a slow torture, but done for a reason and i guess i don't regret it.

you are doing great.
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Old 07-31-2010, 08:19 AM
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Within your first post on this forum, you described a real charmer:

Car Crashes
Manipulation
Never being fair
Always calling you bad names
Blaming you for his addiction
Lies
Withdrawals
MIA
Other Girls

What part of this are you going to miss?

We tend to give too much credit to addiction.

Behind every addict is a person who cannot/will not cope with life as is/where is.

Behind every addict is a codependent who becomes addicted to the drama, thinks they know what's best and can control the situation.

That's ego and our role in all of this maddness.
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Old 07-31-2010, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by NightandDay View Post
Not only did my bf call me last night and leave a 4 min long voicemail asking for forgiveness, but today he was texting me about this wedding we were supposed to be going to tomorrow. In his voicemail and texts he expressed regret over breaking up with me and being emotionally manipulative. He even said he understands if I cannot speak with him and need to separate myself.

I ignored his texts because I had already sent him an email saying that his recovery is his and mine is mine and I need time and space. I know he had not received it when he was texting me because he was at work and he works in landscaping, so is not near a computer nor does he have a smartphone on which to receive emails.

However, I am sure he has received it by now and I have not heard from him. Phew.

So. . . I took a step. I really don't know what happens next but I am looking forward to time alone NOT HAVING TO THINK ABOUT HIM AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!

I know I am going to miss him horribly, but I guess I will take everything in baby steps and try to focus on myself. Here goes nothin'. . .
Do you see the blow by blow drama ? Will he or won't he text? What will he or won't he say?

What happens next for you is entirely up to you.

You have no power to cure him or cause him to go deeper into addiction.
If all it to was care and love, none of us would be here.
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Old 07-31-2010, 10:20 AM
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Within your first post on this forum, you described a real charmer:

Car Crashes
Manipulation
Never being fair
Always calling you bad names
Blaming you for his addiction
Lies
Withdrawals
MIA
Other Girls

What part of this are you going to miss?

i guess i will have to think about this. right now, i object strongly to the sarcasm of "a real charmer" simply because we all know that of course this person we are discussing probably has many great qualities.

the black and white rote responses don't seem to work very well for me.

sometimes we just need a little support in what we are doing and a little love.

am i supposed to totally trash my mother and father because they taught me that abusive relationships are something to be tolerated? no, i won't do that.

and i'm not going to trash my bf either.

he has not behaved in a manner that is acceptable to me, and i had a moment this week where i got upset enough to not go back to him when he apologized. i believe i have the right to be proud of this, and i thank everyone who has supported me.
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Old 07-31-2010, 11:13 AM
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In my case it was domestic abuse counseling that really helped me more than anything.

You are certainly correct that you deserve the dignity to make whatever choices you choose at any point in time.

I laughed myself silly at KindEyes depiction of spinning and the zinger of not eating a hot dog!
Humor is always a saving grace IMO!!!

I found that the more time and space I had the less I spun and the better I felt.
My decisions came alot easier then.
But I must admit it was one person's straightforwardness here that gave me the truth and momentum to protect see the situation as it was and to make me darned determined to hang on to my time and space.

AND BTW, I did the back and forth dance for five years!
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Old 07-31-2010, 11:54 AM
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Happy belated birthday! 7

You took a huge step over the past couple of days! How much easier it would have been in the short run to accept his texts, say okay we'll try again, and go to this wedding the way it was planned. I've done that type of thing often...kept the peace, or tried again because I thought maybe this time I will be "good enough" and can be loved...Maybe this time, it will be the happy ending I want. It did seem easier at the time; I don't like conflict, so it always seemed easier to give in. But most times, the result was simmering resentments and eventually things would blow, leaving me feeling ashamed of my behavior and wondering again if my lack of something was the cause.

A viscous cycle with no happy ending for sure. The first time I tried to break that cycle, it was hard, but it got easier each time I tried, and my self confidence grew as I learned to use tools to work on me. So, I agree - you have lots to be proud of!

I hope you will keep attending meetings, getting that face to face support and reading the posts here that share experience, strength and hope. I've learned a lot from those posts and I hope you will too. I also sure hope you will do something really fun and special today...Make it an all about you day!
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Old 07-31-2010, 01:55 PM
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