How to Trust Instincts & What that Means - Help!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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print it and hang it on your bathroom mirror, don 't send.....sending is still giving the message of working things out, or involvement, if you will.
We women like to wrap things up this way, but it really isn't necessary and it is still giving a part of yourself away to him
sing Stevie Nicks' "You can go you own way, go your own way"
go get your nails done, your hair or something like that for your new and improved life
We women like to wrap things up this way, but it really isn't necessary and it is still giving a part of yourself away to him
sing Stevie Nicks' "You can go you own way, go your own way"
go get your nails done, your hair or something like that for your new and improved life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
don't send?? my therapist was telling me i should.
i'm not comfortable with ignoring straight out. seems passive aggressive to me.
if my letter needs to be more strongly worded, than that is fine & i welcome the suggestions but i don't see how not sending will help.
if he keeps contacting me and i am just silent, i haven't put my foot down.
i'm not comfortable with ignoring straight out. seems passive aggressive to me.
if my letter needs to be more strongly worded, than that is fine & i welcome the suggestions but i don't see how not sending will help.
if he keeps contacting me and i am just silent, i haven't put my foot down.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I thought the issue was he wasnt contacting you, and he had said was breaking up with you.........
Also keep in mind that ACTIONS speak louder than words..........You can write and send as many letters as you wish but if your words and actions dont match then.............why would he listen
One reason sending the letter isnt recommended is basically your asking for contact or a reaction this letter gives the chance for him to say Oh this time blah blah
instead, if you just go no contact dont write letters call then he will get the point...........
if hes using its doubtful you will get much from him either way
Also keep in mind that ACTIONS speak louder than words..........You can write and send as many letters as you wish but if your words and actions dont match then.............why would he listen
One reason sending the letter isnt recommended is basically your asking for contact or a reaction this letter gives the chance for him to say Oh this time blah blah
instead, if you just go no contact dont write letters call then he will get the point...........
if hes using its doubtful you will get much from him either way
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Only you can decide what is right for you...are you doing that?? I think you already know.
My advise is to look at what staying with this guy will bring in 10 years. You will have children and a marriage and it will be so much worse. Your life will be tied to his financially, emoationaly and in physical presence. When you look at this man ask yourself if you want to spend the next years of your life suffering like this?? Or in the future if you would want your children to. Be happy you have the freedom to walk away now without all of those responsibilities, because I promise then it becomes so much harder.
Let Go and Let God. Stop blaming yourself. Be honest about what you want in life.
Good Luck and God Bless!
My advise is to look at what staying with this guy will bring in 10 years. You will have children and a marriage and it will be so much worse. Your life will be tied to his financially, emoationaly and in physical presence. When you look at this man ask yourself if you want to spend the next years of your life suffering like this?? Or in the future if you would want your children to. Be happy you have the freedom to walk away now without all of those responsibilities, because I promise then it becomes so much harder.
Let Go and Let God. Stop blaming yourself. Be honest about what you want in life.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
ND,
I too recommend not sending the email. If you send him this, you'll just be on pins and needles waiting for his response, and then it still won't be over, because then there'll be the back and forth and he'll think he still has a chance to worm his way back in. If you feel like you have to say anything, IMO something short and simple, like what Chino said, would be better. The other thing I like about what Chino said was that it makes it clear that the ball is in YOUR court and that you are making this decision based on YOUR needs, as opposed to HIS actions, if that makes sense.
Keep moving forward. You're doing great.
I too recommend not sending the email. If you send him this, you'll just be on pins and needles waiting for his response, and then it still won't be over, because then there'll be the back and forth and he'll think he still has a chance to worm his way back in. If you feel like you have to say anything, IMO something short and simple, like what Chino said, would be better. The other thing I like about what Chino said was that it makes it clear that the ball is in YOUR court and that you are making this decision based on YOUR needs, as opposed to HIS actions, if that makes sense.
Keep moving forward. You're doing great.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He broke up with you. Why shouldn't you just leave it at that. Sounds like a good personal boundary to me...
If a guy treats me like cr@p and breaks up with me... I will not stay in contact with him.
If a guy treats me like cr@p and breaks up with me... I will not stay in contact with him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
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hey guys.
sorry i forgot to clarify.
on tuesday he "broke up" with me. said he would never speak to me again. fine.
then yesterday, wednesday, he texted me that he was sorry for being so mean to me and i have not yet responded. THAT is why i am writing this email.
i do believe that changes things. yes?
the cycle is: he does something bad, i call him on it, he gets mad & breaks up with me, he apologizes, i give in.
also, the thing is sometimes when we fight he ignores me for days and i think that is rude. we are supposed to be going to this wedding. i think that even though he is obviously a jerk, everyone deserves the respect of being told that certain plans aren't going to happen.
sorry i forgot to clarify.
on tuesday he "broke up" with me. said he would never speak to me again. fine.
then yesterday, wednesday, he texted me that he was sorry for being so mean to me and i have not yet responded. THAT is why i am writing this email.
i do believe that changes things. yes?
the cycle is: he does something bad, i call him on it, he gets mad & breaks up with me, he apologizes, i give in.
also, the thing is sometimes when we fight he ignores me for days and i think that is rude. we are supposed to be going to this wedding. i think that even though he is obviously a jerk, everyone deserves the respect of being told that certain plans aren't going to happen.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Originally Posted by NightandDay 
hey guys.
sorry i forgot to clarify.
on tuesday he "broke up" with me. said he would never speak to me again. fine.
then yesterday, wednesday, he texted me that he was sorry for being so mean to me and i have not yet responded. THAT is why i am writing this email.
i do believe that changes things. yes?
the cycle is: he does something bad, i call him on it, he gets mad & breaks up with me, he apologizes, i give in.
also, the thing is sometimes when we fight he ignores me for days and i think that is rude. we are supposed to be going to this wedding. i think that even though he is obviously a jerk, everyone deserves the respect of being told that certain plans aren't going to happen.
sorry i forgot to clarify.
on tuesday he "broke up" with me. said he would never speak to me again. fine.
then yesterday, wednesday, he texted me that he was sorry for being so mean to me and i have not yet responded. THAT is why i am writing this email.
i do believe that changes things. yes?
the cycle is: he does something bad, i call him on it, he gets mad & breaks up with me, he apologizes, i give in.
also, the thing is sometimes when we fight he ignores me for days and i think that is rude. we are supposed to be going to this wedding. i think that even though he is obviously a jerk, everyone deserves the respect of being told that certain plans aren't going to happen.
IMO, that email you posted here still has a ring of him possibly being able to worm his way back in, but that's just my opinion. I still think something more concise that tells him that this is over, period, would be better. No discussion of you hoping he'll be better, because then he'll just come back with, "I promise I'll be better from now on." Which you know won't be the reality. And the cycle will continue.
But like I said, that's just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Posts: 138
I would look for another therapist who is familiar with addiction.
IMO, that email you posted here still has a ring of him possibly being able to worm his way back in, but that's just my opinion. I still think something more concise that tells him that this is over, period, would be better. No discussion of you hoping he'll be better, because then he'll just come back with, "I promise I'll be better from now on." Which you know won't be the reality. And the cycle will continue.
yes, i thought it might have that too, which is why i posted it here to keep myself honest. i will work on another, more concise one and post it.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Well maybe you can use this for your boundary the next time he breaks up with you and then manipulates you with false apologies so you forget about his drug problems (remember he is an addict - that's the problem, right?) :
When your done, your done, ya know? And then "No Contact" really really works.
Whatever happens, I hope things work out the way you want them too.
If a guy treats me like cr@p and breaks up with me... I will not stay in contact with him.
Whatever happens, I hope things work out the way you want them too.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Maybe just a simple, "I am changing my plans for the weekend and consider us to be broken up for good. Take care." Or something equally efficient and dialogue free (he's still using, so there's really nothing of substance you can say to him that will help the situation).
Ultimately, though, as many times as he has disregarded your time, I'm not sure I would even extend him that courtesy.
I know this is hard. But be honest... is a part of you wanting him to be so scared of losing you that he'll change? Is that the real reason you want to email him?
Ultimately, though, as many times as he has disregarded your time, I'm not sure I would even extend him that courtesy.
I know this is hard. But be honest... is a part of you wanting him to be so scared of losing you that he'll change? Is that the real reason you want to email him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
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I know this is hard. But be honest... is a part of you wanting him to be so scared of losing you that he'll change? Is that the real reason you want to email him?
but if you look back at the beginning of this thread, started yesterday, i wasn't even THINKING of no contact. .. i was just distraught, confused.
then throughout the day as i figured out how i was feeling, i realized it was different. i was crying but not because i felt like there was something "wrong" with me (which is how i usually feel when i cry) but i was crying because i was so sad to realize i had been letting myself be treated so poorly.
then in therapy last night, my therapist was encouraging me to get angry and stay angry because i would need this anger to put my foot down and take a stand.
i had not even thought of standing up for myself to him, let alone no contact, until about 7:45pm last night! so it's all very new to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Let's back up the wagons here a bit. Who told you that relapse is a part of the process?
Relapse is a conscious choice to return to active addiction, and it has nothing to do with 'the process.'
My sponsor will celebrate 29 years clean/sober next month. I will celebrate 20 years clean/sober.
Maybe this isn't a life or death thing with your boyfriend...yet. It is for me, my sponsor, and a whole lot of other people in my recovery circle.
I have watched many people over the years make excuses, relapse, in and out and in and out of recovery, and end up dead.
My EXAH was buried at the tender age of 47, complications due to AIDS contracted while sharing needles with someone else while I was in rehab.
Dead is dead. There's no recovery from that.
Some, like a gal I sponsored in the mid 80's, just keep living in the eternal hell of active addiction.
If you don't get some help for yourself, he is going to chew you up and spit you out.
Your pain now will be a drop in the bucket compared to what lies ahead if you don't get healthy yourself, and detach from him and his disease.
I speak from experience.
I have been chewed up and spit out.
The ball is in your court. What do you want for your life that you can do for yourself?
Relapse is a conscious choice to return to active addiction, and it has nothing to do with 'the process.'
My sponsor will celebrate 29 years clean/sober next month. I will celebrate 20 years clean/sober.
Maybe this isn't a life or death thing with your boyfriend...yet. It is for me, my sponsor, and a whole lot of other people in my recovery circle.
I have watched many people over the years make excuses, relapse, in and out and in and out of recovery, and end up dead.
My EXAH was buried at the tender age of 47, complications due to AIDS contracted while sharing needles with someone else while I was in rehab.
Dead is dead. There's no recovery from that.
Some, like a gal I sponsored in the mid 80's, just keep living in the eternal hell of active addiction.
If you don't get some help for yourself, he is going to chew you up and spit you out.
Your pain now will be a drop in the bucket compared to what lies ahead if you don't get healthy yourself, and detach from him and his disease.
I speak from experience.
I have been chewed up and spit out.
The ball is in your court. What do you want for your life that you can do for yourself?
Gotta love Freedom, she tells you like it is. Pulls no punches, sugar coats nothing. And lets you have it. She's been there done that, and lays it on you like a ton of bricks.
Dead is dead. There's no recovery from that. Those are some tough words.
If they don't wake a user up nothing will. Night and Day, I don't know how old you are, but my advice is find a totally sober guy to make a life with. Because as Freedom says, he will chew you up and spit you out. An addict loves his drug what ever it may be, more than anything or anyone else.
That's just the way the addicted brain thinks. Get high first, everything else next. Sorry honey, but your already not number one.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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You're doing great! 
I didn't mean to make it sound like I was knocking your idea... I was just trying to help you think it through to make sure it's what you really want is all. I hope I didn't come across the wrong way. If I did, please forgive me, as I hope you know I meant well.
And you're right, you have come quite a long way in a short period of time. Nothing wrong with catching your breath and taking it to baby steps for now.
I didn't mean to make it sound like I was knocking your idea... I was just trying to help you think it through to make sure it's what you really want is all. I hope I didn't come across the wrong way. If I did, please forgive me, as I hope you know I meant well.
And you're right, you have come quite a long way in a short period of time. Nothing wrong with catching your breath and taking it to baby steps for now.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
NightandDay
You will find that you will get all kinds of responses here. Many of the responses are based upon that individual's experiences and current position in their own process of recovery. Your therapist has a much more intimate view of your situation and will hopefully gently guide you to your own realizations. Loving an addict is a very crazy, self damaging thing. Finding your center, your serenity, your balance is key and staying true to yourself is what is most important. Loving an addict knocks us off balance and disrupts our serenity. Our challenge is to get it back and keep it......with or without the addict.
Take care of you.
Gentle hugs
You will find that you will get all kinds of responses here. Many of the responses are based upon that individual's experiences and current position in their own process of recovery. Your therapist has a much more intimate view of your situation and will hopefully gently guide you to your own realizations. Loving an addict is a very crazy, self damaging thing. Finding your center, your serenity, your balance is key and staying true to yourself is what is most important. Loving an addict knocks us off balance and disrupts our serenity. Our challenge is to get it back and keep it......with or without the addict.
Take care of you.
Gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I like the heard around here saying "Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it meanly."
So, I was suggesting you take him at his word that the break up was real, it is over and there is not reason to communicate.
He has treated you cruelly so I just don't see the need to be ever so kind to him. Nor with hostility. I think the best thing is to not respond to him at all.
You know the pattern. He apologizes, you accept it...he is just as mean, or meaner the next time..because abuse escalates.
In order to stop this cycle you will have to step out of it yourself. He is not going to do that.
He may cheat on you and have other relationships on a string while you are broken up...but he will try to keep you on a string also.
I suppose perhaps your counselor might advise you to send the letter to make the break up more real to you and to help you own your power and to end this relationship yourself rather than continue the cycle.
As sending the letter, we don't usually recommend that for the reasons that have been pretty well stated here, I think.
Has anyone here ever gotten one of those post breakup letters from a guy?
So, I was suggesting you take him at his word that the break up was real, it is over and there is not reason to communicate.
He has treated you cruelly so I just don't see the need to be ever so kind to him. Nor with hostility. I think the best thing is to not respond to him at all.
You know the pattern. He apologizes, you accept it...he is just as mean, or meaner the next time..because abuse escalates.
In order to stop this cycle you will have to step out of it yourself. He is not going to do that.
He may cheat on you and have other relationships on a string while you are broken up...but he will try to keep you on a string also.
I suppose perhaps your counselor might advise you to send the letter to make the break up more real to you and to help you own your power and to end this relationship yourself rather than continue the cycle.
As sending the letter, we don't usually recommend that for the reasons that have been pretty well stated here, I think.
Has anyone here ever gotten one of those post breakup letters from a guy?
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