Nerdgirl

We had made dinner plans with part of my husband's family - the part that does not abuse drugs. Anyway, my father in law turned up with opiate addicted SIL in tow. We immediately left. It was hard and I know that there will be ridicule. I also know that testing the boundaries is what the disease does, and if we did not react firmly we would soon be facing an addict or two on our doorstep....

My kids saw their aunt, ran up to her, calling her name repeatedly - hero worship, ugh. Then we had a talk in the car, we told the kids that they can see their aunt when she stops taking drugs. They cried....

Nerdgirl

We didn't stick around to find out.

My rationale is if she's not supporting herself she's supporting a habit - so when she gets out of daddy's house and takes care of herself I might buy that she's ok.

Last I heard she hit someone's car and she thought it was the *doctor's fault* for prescribing drugs so the *doctor* should pay for the damage - blame shifting doesn't sound like someone that's taking ownership for their actions.

ZombieWife

Good on you. I think the message I see here is that you were met with a situation that (likely) triggered your own relationship with addicts and addiction and you did what you felt you needed to do and what brought you (and your family) tranquility.

Nerdgirl

Cynical,

I get your point about her living arrangements, but I have a rebuttal.

Daddy is enabling active addiction because she clears over 3 k per month, has no expenses, and yet she's always broke. This isn't someone who's trying to get clean; a friend recently brought her to a meeting and was asked not to bring her again because she had the dope nods at a meeting!

Anyway, the problem was that my father in law didn't warn us he just brought her, he ambushed us knowing that we desire no contact. My kids have witnessed dope-nods courtesy of my SIL before. Even seeing that BS once is one time too many.

I don't want to break bread with an active addict who has managed to avoid shooting up before dinner. If I have to break bread with her ever again she had better be in recovery.

coffeedrinker

i think you did what you had to do. i am so glad that your husband did not reneg on what you two had decided.

you have drawn a line in the sand. your father-in-law blatantly disregarded where you put that line. you have no control over whom he brings to a public place, but you can always remove yourselves. then to discuss it with your youngsters was exactly the right thing to do.

hello-kitty

That would have been hard for me - walking away like that.

But you enforced your clearly stated boundaries. That's a good thing. Hopefully, your FIL will start respecting them soon.

hello-kitty

How do you know all this? Maybe next time, tell them it's none of your business and if you want to know more, you'll talk to her. What happens at meetings is SUPPOSED to be confidential. I think it's pretty inappropriate that someone told you this gossip. Even if it's true. It's a breach of confidence.

Nerdgirl

Hk,

This is gossip that comes to me by way of the myriad of visits I get from people who pop into my house, apparently they have never heard of a telephone. Either this is more reason to move away, or i have to establish boundaries of acceptable conduct from everyone in this family. Hearing about addiction antics every other day is doing little for my sanity, as it makes no contact with addicts a moot point.

Disclosure of a violation of meeting ground rules is not the same as disclosing meeting content, like a mortal sin differs from a venial sin. But you're right, i need to cut people off when they bring this stuff up.

Nerdgirl

It was horrible, all the kids were crying and for a moment I almost caved. But I thought that if we caved we would backslide into where we were months ago, pretending that there was nothing wrong.

FIL has since made it clear that any and all invitations to him will be extended to SIL. So, no, he's not prepared to respect our boundaries. And because of that disrespect FIL won't be invited to my kid's birthday party in a few weeks. His choice, his loss.

hello-kitty

I don't mean to drag this on, but I have to express that I am thoroughly disappointed in your FIL's behavior. It's just rude to extend HIS personal invitations to people YOU didn't invite. And he knows you have a problem with her. It's not like his ignorant of the whole situation. You are doing the right thing - my boundary is that I do not allow people who are disrespectful to me to be part of my life. That means anyone - family or otherwise.

I feel bad for your husband. That just sucks that his father is doing that - choosing his sick, dysfunctional daughter over his more healthy responsible son.

Nerdgirl

Thanks HK.

I've been telling my husband how sorry I am. I'm sorry that it's going this way, I'm sorry that he has to suffer, I'm sorry that my kids are hurt and confused. I'm just so sorry The pain is part of recovery I guess, maybe missing a birthday party because of enabling will actually help my FIL. We can hope. There's always hope....

keepinon

Really, at this point it is your FIL who is the problem..we had samr situation..it's all about CONTROL. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries with him. You are probably the first one in the family he's come across that doesn't bow to his wishes/demands.

Live

oh, boy...I don't like the just dropping in thing myself (at home, I mean)

I have always told people to please phone first.

If you want to remedy and change the house rules you may have to quickly tell them that you are on your way out the door, please phone first next time so that you can visit.
Then usher them out to your car...
you drive around a couple of blocks and talk to yourself. LOL

Since I always establish my boundary first and from the get go, if someone knocks I simply stand in the doorway and tell them I am sorry but I was not expecting company and am busy. I might be busy picking my nose but it is nobody's business!~