lulu1974

hello all..
I am curious because my stbxh was actually a better communicator and nicer when he had a few in him than when he was sober. He was pretty miserable when he was sover. I see here its usually opposite..Does anyone have some light too shed on this? I am just curious..Thanks!

alanonicnov2008

Oh yeah. My boyfriend, who I didn't start dating until after he sobered up, was really manipulative, mean, and distant and some of it with the big book in hand. He'd do something mean, run away and tell me that I needed to learn how to detach.

I think bottom line is a drunk is a drunk and if he's not doing the work it's the same beast.

wanting

My X was the same way, a "happy drunk." And he'd be totally mean and miserable if hung over and/or sober. Then when he quit drinking he turned into a total a-hole, full time. Blamed me for all his problems, had an affair, total a-hole. He's starting to snap out of it and become a more pleasant person.

lulu1974

wow wanting..u just described my life with my A...except he hasnt snapped out of it. We are no contact but just so shocking to read your words and compare them to my life..such similarities..

Astro

To me, an alcoholic, it seems pretty normal. I could be syrupy sweet and puppy-dog friendly when I drank, because it seemed like a good way to cover up the fact that I was drunk and didn't want anyone to know it or notice it. Look at me, aren't I a nice guy?

Then, when my crutch, pacifier, security blanket, numbing medication, of alcohol started to wear off I'd get mean and nasty. The hangovers were hell, but more than anything I had to face the reality of what I'd done the night before. And usually, when it came to my spouse, it wasn't going to be pleasant so I got angry and defended myself, like a trapped animal.

Summerpeach

Count me in. Since being sober, my BF is mean, manipulative, game player and is EASY to anger.
When he would drink, he was "normal"

Maybe this is why some become addicts, because the are aholes without and they can't even stand themselves

alanonicnov2008

What causes that? Because my ex went from being a sweet harmless guy to a really uptight, nasty super controlling judgmental person. He had his whole family hating me and I hadn't even met them.

Pelican

what causes it? Hypoglycemia

You can read about it in "Under The Influence"

Alcohol is absorbed quickly into every cell of the body. It even penetrates the brain. The body receives it as quick energy - thus the euphoric, happy personality with the first few drinks. The body processes the alcohol faster than any other nutrients, calories, proteins or sugars.

The alcoholic body becomes addicted to alcohol because it needs it's quick fix. The body begins to scream for a quick fix of super energizing alcohol.

So a sober alcoholic is being screamed at by the body to get another drink and get that quick energy. It takes a new healthier routine and time to overcome the addiction and physical cravings.

I was hypoglycemic a long, long time ago. I would become a bear when I got hungry and my sugar dropped. Look Out! Growwwwwllllllssss! My husband and family knew to give me something to eat quickly. Then I discovered a neat trick - I could have a cocktail while we waited 45 minutes for our tabled at restaurants. mmmmm, no more growling, just pass the vodka please!

I could give my body the quick energizing, sugar boost of alcohol and hold off on eating for hours. I became an alcoholic.

barb dwyer

I remember that everything was just so freaking REAL -
I couldn't get through a complete conversation without a 'flight' impulse,
I was sick beyond... omg I was sick...

SO it's various factors for various drunks.

I was so freaking GRATEFUL to be alive that
everything was either funny or profound.

Sort of a 'survivor's delirium' or more commonly known as 'pink cloud' situation.

Kittyboo

I don't have any insight, but I can tell you the only time my XA seemed to want me in his life was when he was drinking.
My hindsight is 20/20 now.

Hours apon hours of conversation that was sensitive, meaningful, sweet, caring..... all while he wsa taking swigs of beer, wine or whatever else.
He seems to be able to be nice around other people when he's sober....but I never got to see that side. He still turned out to be a liar, manipulative and hurtful, and to me, that's who he is sober and drunk.

wanting

Your X has a ton of enablers, and my X has none. His family let him know what they think of his behavior, and so did his friends, astonishingly. I think that makes a huge difference in how long it takes them wakeTFU. I don't know, that's sort of my intellectual take on it, I guess.

I want to tell you something - something that really helped to propel me forward in healing. I wondered why this, why that, googled things like "sociopath" and "narcissist" to find answers as to why my life went from a fairytale to a nightmare. It didn't help me at all. It kept me obsessed, focused on HIM. I think the best eye-opener for me was the book Codependent No More. That book explained so well what everyone here tries to say - to put the focus on YOU. Since I've been spending my time thinking about why I ignored red flag after red flag, I've healed a lot, and let go of giving a $hit about why my X does this or that and if he'll ever be sorry one day.

Maybe the alcohol helps them to suppress the nasty side of them. My X quit drinking and it wasn't the magic cure for his unhappiness, so he wanted to blame me. Now that I'm gone, he has only himself to blame. And I'm freeeee!!!

wanting

Veddy eenteresting, Pelican! Science is fun and I'm a dork.

I guess we have to be talking about two different scenarios, right? 1 - Drunk vs. sober on a daily basis; and 2 - Alcoholic who quits drinking. Surely the sugar factor would get solved over a few weeks with someone who quits drinking. My X has taken, oh...9-10 months to even begin to act less a-holey.

Carol Star

My XAH was nasty when trying to sober up or when he was out of alcohol or pot. I divorced him partially so I wouldn't have to drive him to the store for booze. He had several DUIs and no license. I felt used. He would lie and say he had to go to the store for something else. Glad to be free of Jeckell and Hyde.

Pelican

Surely the sugar factor would get solved over a few weeks with someone who quits drinking. My X has taken, oh...9-10 months to even begin to act less a-holey.

Absolutely!

Remove the alcohol and some people are just not pleasant to be around. You almost wish they would take another drink.

gerryP

When I stopped drinking for good, I was much less patient. Put another way, I was "laid back, patient and tolerant. I don't mean when I was actually drinking, it was always. So it was a big surprise to me when I quit and I leveled out that I wasn't into details...just the facts thanks. I've worked on it since, but I guess this is who I really am. I don't think it's true for everyone necessarily. A good year is probably a good indication of where someone will land.

alanonicnov2008

This is so heartbreakingly true. I was amazed at how many enablers my ex had in his life. His sister would literally try to force booze down his throat when he visited her. I swear she'd get a funnel and pour it down if she could. Other friends I met (the ones he'd introduce me too) were the same way.

His sister also used every opportunity to make sure he knew that every fight we had was my fault, which made it impossible for us to resolve anything. To get him to apologize for anything at all was impossible. By the time I left it...I really had to remark to myself how I went from having a goal of marriage and a family to "please don't take nude photos of your friends in your hotel room when you are on a business trip and post it on facebook." Sick.

This is so true. This is exactly where I am. I just finished the book. And now the difficult work of recovering myself. I'm really glad I made it this far.

freefalling

He seems to be able to be nice around other people when he's sober....but I never got to see that side. He still turned out to be a liar, manipulative and hurtful, and to me, that's who he is sober and drunk.

Yep. Remember - I want him sober so I must bear the brunt. And I made him that way - cause he drinks because of me. He called this marriage that he does not want to end(?) a "forced marriage". So he has reasons to be so cruel when he is sober.

littlefish

It is called a "dry drunk". It means that someone can stop drinking but if they don't have a program of recovery in place with the goal of self-improvement, they are probably going to be miserable.

I didn't drink for almost a year and I was using antabuse. I hated the world and everyone in it.
I wasn't drinking, but I was still thinking like an alcoholic.
It wasn't until I really, truly started working my recovery program that I started feeling better.
Some of the most important steps in the 12 step program are about recognizing your faults and stop blaming everyone else for your problems, see where YOU are the cause of many of your problems.

Summerpeach

thank you :-)
Yes, he's a classic dry drunk and he's not found it in him to work his program for some reason. He feels he's ok cuz he ceased drinking. He doesn't think he needs it or he is just too scared to commit to it. Not sure.
He's very much still an addict and blames everyone for everything.
His addiction is deeper than I thought

ladyhawk69

That does make a HUGE difference in recovery. My exab is leaning on family for the third time. I think if he really hit his bottom, he would have wokenTFU a looong time ago.


Amen...