transformyself

So over the last several weeks I've:

gone NC with STBXAH and re-earned my freedom from him and that mess

admitted to myself and my other business partner that our male business partner is an abusive, sick, chaos creating A and gone NC with him as well. She's meeting with him today to finalized him leaving the business. Buh-bye.

And briefly dated a man that I really dug in many ways, but saw some red flags, so I chose to heed those indicators of trouble (quite eagerly in fact) and stopped seeing him.

I've not only cut out the jerkwads, and potential jerkwads, physically from my life, but am detaching from them emotionally, meaning I don't allow myself to obsess about them. And I"m 100% committed to fully acknowledging red flags and carefully choosing my associates. In retrospect I can see all the indicators that both STBXAH and A business partner would be unstable people in my life. I ignored them. Never again.

I take responsibility for ending it with the man I was dating. I own it. It's my choice and I'm glad, not sad. There's a good 15% of my thinking time and brain space left available.

And I'm not obsessing about STBXAH. There another chunk of time and space.

The business partner I'm still working on letting go of in my head, because I'm still so angry that someone who made rape threats towards us is getting paid a huge chunk of money to leave the business. But I value my sanity more than the old familiarity of living in spinning anger and am having chunks of time where I experience freedom from him and his mess as well as the others.

With these people cut from me physically and emotionally and intellectually, I am left with myself.

With no external drama, with no one in my life to intimate, suggest or flat out tell me what a piece of crap I am-what's left are the voices in my head. And at times, they do the job of ten abusive alcoholics. It's not often, but it's still there and I'm eager to evict those guys from my head as well as the external ones.

Now I get to fully work on myself. Now I can meet the challenge of digging out those last bastions of self abuse, self doubt and lingering crap from my childhood or whatever it is that causes me to think so poorly of myself. Sabotaging my own greatness. At times it's subtle, but because there's no one left to do it for me, I can hear the ways I do it myself.

Interesting huh?

Ceres

Yesss...

"With these people cut from me physically and emotionally and intellectually, I am left with myself."

This is how I need to start seeing this phase of life. As I'm a codependent without a dependant - So, I feel like I'm in WAIT. Crazy.

"Now I get to fully work on myself. Now I can meet the challenge of digging out those last bastions of self abuse, self doubt and lingering crap from my childhood or whatever it is that causes me to think so poorly of myself. Sabotaging my own greatness."

Exactly! Again, I should be doing this. Yuck. Seems so much easier just to find a guy and be sorta-kinda-okay. How sad is that!

coffeedrinker

Oh my gosh!! You are amazing.


This is what I felt was the most powerful statment in your post:

Yes, yes yes!

I am super impressed that you opted out of the relationship with New Guy. Wow.

Big pat on the back, Transformie.

Duped

Sounds like you're doing what's right and what's healthy. I wish I could stop with the obsessing as well.

transformyself

Gosh I said that stuff? I think I was channeling someone else.

yes, coffee, I dumped the new guy. I can't believe it wasn't harder. He cooked me, fed me, loved me up. But he had a melt down that was pretty intense. I full fledged temper tantrum. I sat there, shocked, supportive. And then when I got home I took the time to really think about it.

Honestly, if I hadn't just dumped soul sucking STBXAH and the A business partner, I may have turned a blind eye to that tantrum. But there were PLENTY of red flags with both of them that I ignored, and now I"m seeing where denial has gotten me: into a pit of quicksand, struggling with a monster. No thank you.

wicked

Oh boy, it would have been hard for me to give up that stuff.
cooked for you, fed you, loved you up.
but you are doing what you must.
wow.
you are channeling the real you!

transformyself

I know! I am surprised that it was that easy, but the way I see it a) I'm too busy for dating anyway. It was taking up too much of my already limited time and b) there are probably 30 men out there who will treat me like a princess without the emotional instability. My standards have gotten higher and I believe they'll be met.

But first, gotta dig out all the stuff within myself that I know needs healing.

wicked

this is true. and as a leo, arent you the queen? heehee

yes, this is true too.

TakingCharge999

I try to imagine all those people I have been obsessed with are death. I imagine clearly how I wake up one day, dress in black, drive and attend the funeral.. I imagine leaving a flower and saying goodbye..... if I feel blue I imagine myself crying..... saying goodbye. Then I see them being covered by the earth and put to rest.

TakingCharge999

Continued..


The more vivid the better. Not only imagine dressing, driving, walking but also the feelings that go with that.

No more wondering about their life, I can't do nothing, they are dead, they are with God.

Helps me a lot....


... although its difficult to "believe"that when I see XABF wandering as happy as ever, but that is where my "Beware! CURSED ZOMBIE!!" cheap terror movie visualization begins LOL

wicked

Yes! Watch out for the zombies!

transformyself

TC you're a better man than I, because I'm so sick of these toxic, crazy making people that I imagine them dead all right. But there's no black dress, no teary funeral. Just me and a shovel out in the woods..

transformyself

And Zombies is the perfecrt analogy because sure, he LOOKS like my AH out htere stumbling around in the yard. But if you let him in the house, he swipes at you with dirt caked claws and tries to eat your brains.

Just get rid of them. Much easier.

transformyself

And yes, My Dear. I am the queen.:day6

wicked

:camper:

Freedom1990

How are your children doing with all of this?

transformyself

They're great Freedom. They aren't privy to this information and are having their own lives. Why do you ask?

wicked

Of course, and I am first. :rotfxko

maybe the zombies know they can get us at first because the codependency makes our brains leak out of our ears sometimes. that's why we gotta fix us and stop those leaks.

Ceres

We should have weekly funerals!

wicked

And mourn the zombies!
Let them take that to the grave with them.
Them and their craziness.