FreeingMyself

OK..that is how I am feeling, like just a mere bump in his road...
I know I can't control him, but whenever I feel like he has a handle on things, they just seem to go downhill again - today, drinking several pitchers and goodness knows what else...I thought we were on the same path, now I just feel like an idiot for believing he had it under control and yet maybe I am just mad at MYSELF because I let myself believe that here is a chance for our marriage to be something more. And of course, I couldn't conceal my anger...I am horrible at that. So, what does he say, well what did I DO to you that makes it so bad today, I didn't do anything to you! True enough, but what it does lead me to believe is that things are just going to go back to the way they were.....if I let them.....and sometimes I question my strength. I want more than this battle everyday of my life, more than feeling like we are a couple days away from going way back down the spiral to how things were!!!

LaTeeDa

Life will not get better for you as long as your definition of getting better depends on what he does. Depending on him to make you happy is what is making you miserable. Once you focus on yourself, it will matter less and less what he does or does not do......

L

sandrawg

MELODY BEATTIE: CODEPENDENT NO MORE.

This book has changed my life.

FreeingMyself

I am reading the book presently.
However, his life DOES affect mine - his actions do affect my world - whether I am focused on myself or not.....I get the idea of recovery for I myself....but his behaviors ABSOLUTELY affect everyone in my house whether am focused on myself or detaching.

Still Waters

Well, in this case he's right, he didn't do anything to you, he simply did it. And you are correct that it affects you and everyone else in the household.

Just remember that while he has a choice whether to drink or not, you also have a choice whether to live with a drinker...or not.

LaTeeDa

Of course it does. But let me ask you a question. How does focusing on him help? Can you change what he does? Can you control him? Can you make him 'get with the program?' No. You can't. He is going to do whatever he is going to do--his choice. Not yours. So, you can continue to focus on him and his behavior, making yourself anxious, sick and crazy, or you can focus on yourself.

You can choose whether you want to be in his presence when he is drinking, or not. You can choose to be angry about his choices, or not. You can choose to believe that this problem will just magically go away because he says some nice words once in a while, or you can choose to look realistically at what his actions are telling you. You can fight, and kick and scream against reality, or you can accept it and choose what you want to do about it.

Entirely up to you. I'll say it again--he is not making you miserable. You are making yourself miserable.

L

Startingover2

An active alcoholic will always let you down.

TakingCharge999

You can only control what you take out from this... it can be nothing at all OR it can change your life for the better... we have free choice and can learn things now or later, just a matter of how much time we are planning to waste on this Earth and how much more pain we are willing to inflict and endure before reaching our bottoms and finally start making the tough decisions and behaving like healthier adults (as opposed to hurt and angry children)... remember he is not doing this to you, he just does it, that is what alcoholics do. Now what are you going to do? this is as good as it gets dear mentallyexh.

lovtolaff

mentallyexh - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE re-read all of these replies! I know that most of them are things you do NOT want to hear but everything they are saying is SO true!

I heard the same things and believe me I did NOT want to admit that "you are right - it is MY choice to live with this turmoil" - but after so long with an alcoholic and getting wore down and just plain ol' exhausted - I had to put my big girl panties on and realize that I did NOT have to live my short, sweet life worrying about anyone but me! It was/is a hard realization but I couldn't be happier with my decision to FINALLY kick his a$$ to the curb and get on with my life.

Yes I loved him to the core but at what cost? There was no trust, constant drama, constant "watching him", constant manipulation on my part to try to keep him from drinking, and so much more unhealthiness that like I said - I was exhausted.

Can you answer this? And I am not trying to be snippy - just thinking it may help you to answer this - why are you holding on so tightly? Just curious...

Peace be with you.

sandrawg

Everyone here is so right. We all have feet. We can all choose to walk if things are bad, instead of constantly pointing at the other. HE HE HE made me do this. I brought up Melody Beattie because she talks about being reactionary. Being reactionary means we define ourselves in terms of another, and are always REACTING to what they do, rather than taking our own ACTION and just being who we are.

If you find that you simply CAN'T stop being reactionary in the situation you're in, then do you really want to stay there?