TakingCharge999

I came back from France on Sunday.

I took 3 planes and there was some turbulence. At one point it was all dark and extremely shaky--- to get from one place to a different one you are BOUND to go through a rocky road... but the important thing is to be "in route" and having a very clear picture of the destiny, nothing should EVER make you forget your end goal.. it will lift you at the darkest hour..

It was refreshing to walk around and know I would not be running into the ex or watch his car from afar (when I saw him with his new gf in his car I had a nervous breakdown, I still get triggered by those damn blue Toyota Matrix or blue cars on the street ).

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Being in an entirely different country helped me to get much needed REST and I realized how EXHAUSTING it has been to have a front row seat to his life. I know if I had left I would have healed waaaaay faster. But well, staying in this job is a decision I do not regret. A girl friend tried to join the same company, she is as skilled as I am and she did not get the job... this made me value my position even more.


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My sis is the greatest sister in the world. AND very generous, she made me some gifts: bags, shoes, clothes, today I put some effort on looking professional for my job and I noticed I turned heads and a car even gave me the right to pass... that NEVER happens in this city LOL. Starting this week i am trying to arrive in time and before my team lead. I think he has a better impression of me now that I dress more formally and arrive earlier than him.

Thanks to you I was able to dettach and although I wanted to talk about ex while I was there, I never even mentioned him, I did not want to bring "him" in my travels so, I am feeling quite proud of that...

My sister started criticizing some alternative therapies I have found useful (Bach flowers) and I knew better than discussing it, I said nothing while she expressed her opinion... felt good not to engange...


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Also, do you remember I was fuming about a vase the ex broke without a single apology?

"Coincidentally" my sis had a business trip to Oslo. There she bought me a brand new vase (Alvar Aalto design, very unique!) that is just like the other one. Well, not like the other one, it is much more elegant, taller and I like it much more!!! I am planning to put it on my cubicle with a small BAMBOO

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Who used to be ex's best friend approached me during the week and told me "you got to see this" well it was just ex's FB saying "DAMN why is it Tuesday??" and his gf's comment "party party party party" then in another instance he was complaining he had a hangover at work and the gf's comment was "you are a drunkard, but I love you anyway!" it was strange, but she made so much typos and mispelled so many words that I ended up laughing....

This best friend said he is living his gf's life and wasting all his money in drinks. I told him I was sorry I have not contacted him, but got conflicts when I see him talking to the ex, etc. he said his relation with him was strictly laboral and he does not like anyone who mistreats people. Now I wonder how he knew this, because I certainly did not tell him. Guess he drew his own conclusions... glad to know not everybody buys all the ex's lies...

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I came back feeling a lot of sorrow and missing a lot of people at the same time. This guy I am seeing went for me to the airport and brought flowers... he spent the next 3 days hugging me because I was sad. It did not matter I had nothing in the fridge to offer to him, just a glass of water, that my apartment was a mess, and i did not want to talk.

Then a girlfriend called and while he was in the room I talked to her, and she told me she had gained lots of weight! to what I answered NO, YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ME yet, I have gained a LOT of pounds and I feel like willy the whale" well this guy overheard .. when I hung up I said I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, he said "oh I have not noticed any weight gain" I said I need to exercise again, he said "me too" .. we are going to walk on our fav park tomorrow... no crisis, no judgement, no putting me down for not being a professional supermodel.

What a relief to be able to be sad and feel supported, to be able to gain pounds and LAUGH ABOUT IT-- in short to be myself and be OK

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Yesterday he said he wants to be with me the rest of his life and he couldn't believe I was single. I do not feel the same "love" and "passion" as before, but I do not wonder ever what he is doing or thinking or if he will leave or drink. He is down to earth, matter of fact kind of guy.. he told me "I drank a beer while in town with my dad and thought I would tell you" and I was like.. why are you "reporting" to me... I certainly don't want to ruin your odd drink.. anyway, we have not drank anything for weeks, he has not expressed any will to do so and alcohol is just not in the picture. He has treated me with lots of respect and for the first time I do not walk on eggshells. I am starting to realize I am "falling" for him in a more mature way, when he proves he is there for me, it feels more like a team, a friendship, a partnership...

Ago said the partner is the mirror of one self and I guess I am changing stuff as this guy is much more healthy than any past lover of mine.... granted its not perfect but with him I know I will never ever be alone, and he protects me, as opposed to putting me in danger LOL (what was I thinking.......?)

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I relapsed horribly these days, missing ex like CRAZY, listening to the voice inside me that is always judging and unable to forgive, it was terrible, I do not know why I believe I deserve to keep living in that hell, whenever I go back it looks worse and worse....... I am finally getting the "one day at a time" because I need support every single day, otherwise I am back in Codie HELL believing all the lies of alcoholism........ I realize I cannot do this alone either, else I automatically go to the worse thoughts and mental images----- and I wonder if all this hurt has been ENOUGH YET, sometimes I imagine a little LaTeeDa on my shoulder saying "is this it TC or are you in for more? YOU choose" well I guess I need to state it today once more: MY life is unmanageable, and I need help.

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I am back on antidepressants. No longer feel weak or like a loser, just grateful I live at this time where there are these kind of meds and can take stuff to help me out. I feel more relaxed and at ease, able to go on with my life... its like a mini-exorcism, its amazing how they make me not care at all about the ex or see it as if it all happened decades ago...

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Just rambling a lot tonight....... thanks if you made it this far lol ... just knowing you are out there, helps me a great deal.

GiveLove

Sending big hugs to you, TC! What an odyssey you've been on lately. I feel so fortunate that you choose to come be a part of our community...you're cool.

LaTeeDa

You made me smile tonight TC. Imagine me on your shoulder any time you like. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back here so many years after the alcoholic chaos is gone from my life. It's because I need help, too. I need to read all these stories and remember why it's important to live in the present moment. Why it's crucial to be my own best friend. And most of all, to know that I share these struggles and triumphs with others like you.

Welcome home, TC.

L

MeHandle

The Book of Romance - by Tommy Nelson

TakingCharge999

I wish I lived in the US, you got so many cool books there!! will buy that one online (MeHandle I owe you a PM...)

Aw thanks friends, you all rule and are very special because you knew me in my worst stage and still talk to me LOL

Good night!

lovtolaff

Wow. I could have written this. I too am dating someone totally different from my x - and I feel very different towards him....not the "unheard of passion" that I THOUGHT I had for my x. I think part of that "passion" was because my x always had one part of him that was unattainable to me - does that make sense? I struggle with my feelings for my new guy because I've always been used to very unhealthy almost one sided relationships. I'm not used to this "normalcy" that I've been living lately.

I SO get what you are saying about a "friendship/partnership" kind of relationship - that is what I am experiencing also. I must say that it is quite different from the usual tumultuous relationships that I usually pursue. It is taking some getting used to - that's for sure.

I can not express to you how reading this made me feel somewhat "ok" that even after a year and being in a relationship with a REAL man that I still feel sad/angry/hurt over my ex. Sometimes I silently and humbly think what if I NEVER get over him - what then? I even pray to my HP to please take away any and all feelings that I have left for him. I've spent probably 20 or more years in and out of unhealthy/one sided relationships and I suppose I can't expect to just be a healed/healthy soul in less than a year huh?

Again - thank you so much for your raw honesty and for helping me see that what I am feeling IS part of the healing process.

MissFixit

Glad to hear how well you are. So happy for you!

TakingCharge999

Hi lovtolaff! it seems you are my clone.

I am glad we found good men.

I think its good we are giving ourselves the chance to live something different.

Many times I think I am "playing" with him because I do not feel the same "interest" "passion" etc. but all those instances where he has given his moral support I am more convinced this is the kind of person who can give me some much needed stability and consistency.

In the end of the day... when you do not feel good, when there is illness, deaths, bad weeks, when life gets tough (which is often) this is the kind of partner that will be there for you, not only when "everything is good" or in the party...

My therapist said I did not miss my ex as a boyfriend but as a friend. This has removed my guilt for going out with someone while still missing the ex. I guess its true.. in our good days, when he treated me alright, that is the person I miss. He was my best friend in this city.

I also have confided some of this stuff to this guy and he has also said he sometimes longs for ex partners of his... but then we always conclude we need to stop living in the past and try to create new plans to look forward to (like right now we are saving to buy bicycles ) .

I too am noticing its possible this shock and deceit will stay in my heart... but well.. we never know how we are going to feel in the future... I suppose everyone has hardships and losses and every day we need to strive to get joy and focus on what we DO have.

You are right we cannot instantly change so much hurt and bad choices in a few months... it takes time but at least now we are going in the right direction.