I'm a wreck...
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
I'm a wreck...
The noon meeting that I have been attending for 4 years now , was sooo INTENSE today. One of our members talked at the end of the meeting about how blessed he has been by this program. How we have been his family...how he ended up in a mental instituition at the age of 20 from drinking "canned heat"..under the bridge where he lived...he GRATEFUL he is for his life...then ended by saying....he has pancreatic cancer...a month to live...then he said don't worry..."I will be alright"...
Dang it was just more than I can take....the whole room felt felt totally and completely spiritual...The woman he was sitting next to has lung cancer and is dying,,,I watched her reach over and take his hand....dontcha know I was really fightin tears,,,
It was the amazing amount of gratitude that struck me...the room was like electric at that moment...maybe it was just me but I could FEEl some higher power at work...
I hate to see my family sick and leaving the earth!! And those people truly are my family...I am really sad..I feel like crying non stop tonight..maybe I will...
Boy friday nights sho' aren't what they used to be!
Any support from my online family in recovery will be recieved with a sad but grateful heart...
love north
Dang it was just more than I can take....the whole room felt felt totally and completely spiritual...The woman he was sitting next to has lung cancer and is dying,,,I watched her reach over and take his hand....dontcha know I was really fightin tears,,,
It was the amazing amount of gratitude that struck me...the room was like electric at that moment...maybe it was just me but I could FEEl some higher power at work...
I hate to see my family sick and leaving the earth!! And those people truly are my family...I am really sad..I feel like crying non stop tonight..maybe I will...
Boy friday nights sho' aren't what they used to be!
Any support from my online family in recovery will be recieved with a sad but grateful heart...
love north
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
North,
I'm so sorry to hear that. A good cry really helps your soul sometimes...I had one earlier and I honestly feel better now.
I was thinking the same thing earlier, my Friday night is the polar opposite of what it used to be!
Prayers for your friend and prayers for you 2,
Penny
I'm so sorry to hear that. A good cry really helps your soul sometimes...I had one earlier and I honestly feel better now.
I was thinking the same thing earlier, my Friday night is the polar opposite of what it used to be!
Prayers for your friend and prayers for you 2,
Penny
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I imagine that was a very intense Meeting, especially if it's one you have been going to that long and have built up a close relationship with so many other Members.
You mentioned feeling like you could break down crying, go for it! I know for me, when I was using, I didn't cry until things got so intense in my life that I screamed, cried, threw things . . .all at the same time. Now I let myself feel my feelings when they are happening. I truly believe tears are a way of cleansing the soul. I have shared this a few times lately here on SR, I will set a timer for 15, 20 minutes, have a good cry and then when the timer dings, it's time to turn off the tears and begin a mental gratitude list. Sometimes I have even wrote it down.
I'm sure you do have an overwhelming sense of gratitude tonight. My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer a little bit shy of me having one year clean and sober, and he died about 3 months later. He kept saying, "Ah, don't be all sad, I've lived a full life, I've gotten my sh*t together (meaning he was clean and sober) he saw me get clean and sober and on my way to a new, productive life. And although his last month or so was spent in a great deal of pain, he was grateful that he didn't suffer for years like some people do.
It's natural for you to be sad, knowing that your time with these people is limited. But it sounds like this guy is really at peace, he is happy, lived a full life and isn't afraid of dying. I know it's hard to accept, but when he said not to worry, he'll be alright, it sounds like he doesn't want a bunch of sadness during his last days on earth. Try to respect that and at the next Meeting give him an extra smile and hug. . . let him know how he has touched your life in a positive way.
It's ok to cry.
And regarding Friday nights being different than they used to be, isn't it nice though to not have to do the make up, hair, get all dressed up, just to get sick and puke everywhere? lol And not spending a bunch of money and remembering what the heck I did sure is nice!
God Bless,
Judy
You mentioned feeling like you could break down crying, go for it! I know for me, when I was using, I didn't cry until things got so intense in my life that I screamed, cried, threw things . . .all at the same time. Now I let myself feel my feelings when they are happening. I truly believe tears are a way of cleansing the soul. I have shared this a few times lately here on SR, I will set a timer for 15, 20 minutes, have a good cry and then when the timer dings, it's time to turn off the tears and begin a mental gratitude list. Sometimes I have even wrote it down.
I'm sure you do have an overwhelming sense of gratitude tonight. My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer a little bit shy of me having one year clean and sober, and he died about 3 months later. He kept saying, "Ah, don't be all sad, I've lived a full life, I've gotten my sh*t together (meaning he was clean and sober) he saw me get clean and sober and on my way to a new, productive life. And although his last month or so was spent in a great deal of pain, he was grateful that he didn't suffer for years like some people do.
It's natural for you to be sad, knowing that your time with these people is limited. But it sounds like this guy is really at peace, he is happy, lived a full life and isn't afraid of dying. I know it's hard to accept, but when he said not to worry, he'll be alright, it sounds like he doesn't want a bunch of sadness during his last days on earth. Try to respect that and at the next Meeting give him an extra smile and hug. . . let him know how he has touched your life in a positive way.
It's ok to cry.
And regarding Friday nights being different than they used to be, isn't it nice though to not have to do the make up, hair, get all dressed up, just to get sick and puke everywhere? lol And not spending a bunch of money and remembering what the heck I did sure is nice!
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
(((((norty))))
I'm so sorry to hear the sad news. Go ahead and have a good cry. Get it out of your system. Focus on gratitude for being able to be there for them. Find out if there's anything you can do for them, like bringing food, helping them with errands, that sort of thing.
I've lost several dear friends recently to cancer. I feel very blessed they let me visit with them and laugh. Yes, laugh. Take some funny DVD's to watch to with them. Be there to clean out the fridge or scrub down their bathrooms. It's small stuff but helps them and you. If they have any appetite, bring some tasty snacks when you visit. Offer to do the laundry or take out the trash.
That's how I handled it. I am still grateful they let me of service to them.
Hang in there, honey. We are here for you as needed. Hope this helps.
Love,
Lenina
I'm so sorry to hear the sad news. Go ahead and have a good cry. Get it out of your system. Focus on gratitude for being able to be there for them. Find out if there's anything you can do for them, like bringing food, helping them with errands, that sort of thing.
I've lost several dear friends recently to cancer. I feel very blessed they let me visit with them and laugh. Yes, laugh. Take some funny DVD's to watch to with them. Be there to clean out the fridge or scrub down their bathrooms. It's small stuff but helps them and you. If they have any appetite, bring some tasty snacks when you visit. Offer to do the laundry or take out the trash.
That's how I handled it. I am still grateful they let me of service to them.
Hang in there, honey. We are here for you as needed. Hope this helps.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Crying is pain leaving the body. It's ok to cry. You obviously feel emotional pain at the thought of losing two members of your recovery family. But, remember, it aint over, until it's over. So, they are still here, and while they are, it would be wonderful for you to show an extra act of kindness. Next meeing you can bring a get well card, or a little gift of some sort for each of them. It doesn't have to be expensive. It's just a way to show you care, and that will make them happy. Life is tough at times. And death is a part of life. It's so hard to accept. Your a kind hearted person. God Bless You and your friends who are suffering with their illnesses. They will never forget your kindness and compassion. 
Your a good egg.
Your a good egg.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,707
Wow NB, that was the most powerful posts I've ever read, dang!
We don't have a NA meeting here on fridays and I've felt screwed all day long, I should have gone to the nooner AA meeting.
Those people in recovery are just like my family, in fact I'll admit I'm probably closer to alot of them than my own family.
There's a ton of love in those rooms, that's for sure. The kind of love we all should have for one another.
thanks so much for sharing that with us.
We don't have a NA meeting here on fridays and I've felt screwed all day long, I should have gone to the nooner AA meeting.
Those people in recovery are just like my family, in fact I'll admit I'm probably closer to alot of them than my own family.
There's a ton of love in those rooms, that's for sure. The kind of love we all should have for one another.
thanks so much for sharing that with us.
mi vida loca
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: the desert
Posts: 351
(((BELLE))) it took me a long time to be okay with having a good cry....im such a strong, badass person almost ALL the time that when it comes, it COMES GOOD. hang in and be grateful for today....take care
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
north, we cry for ourselves because when we lose someone, we know they will leave an empty place in our lives. Keep your heart open, girl, and that place will not remain empty long. And enjoy him while he's here! That gratitude, I'm sure, has come from being surrounded by family--instead of dying alone under that bridge. What a beautiful thing.
I've lost people in recovery. Some, we knew it was coming, and others were just torn from us.
One man, beautiful guy, was the photographer at my wedding. He had prostate cancer. I knew he was getting worse, and I offered to get someone else. He said, "No, no! I'm doing what I love to do!" (He was a botanist and a nature photographer besides) It was the last wedding he photographed, and I treasure the pictures as much because he took them as I do for the people he photographed.
On New Year's Eve, a grand sponsee of mine was traveling with her fellow to a sober dance when they hit a white out and were struck by another vehicle. She left behind two little girls and a seventeen year old son she'd been reunited with less than a year before. As difficult as it was for those kids and for all of us, she got to be there to support her son while he found recovery--and he's not only still coming to meetings, he's bringing along a friend from school who found he couldn't control his drinking & drug use, too.
They are gifts to us, north, and though we can't keep them forever, we can keep what they teach us--so long as we're willing to keep giving it away.
((((north))))
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I've lost people in recovery. Some, we knew it was coming, and others were just torn from us.
One man, beautiful guy, was the photographer at my wedding. He had prostate cancer. I knew he was getting worse, and I offered to get someone else. He said, "No, no! I'm doing what I love to do!" (He was a botanist and a nature photographer besides) It was the last wedding he photographed, and I treasure the pictures as much because he took them as I do for the people he photographed.
On New Year's Eve, a grand sponsee of mine was traveling with her fellow to a sober dance when they hit a white out and were struck by another vehicle. She left behind two little girls and a seventeen year old son she'd been reunited with less than a year before. As difficult as it was for those kids and for all of us, she got to be there to support her son while he found recovery--and he's not only still coming to meetings, he's bringing along a friend from school who found he couldn't control his drinking & drug use, too.
They are gifts to us, north, and though we can't keep them forever, we can keep what they teach us--so long as we're willing to keep giving it away.
((((north))))
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Now with fewer opiates!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southern New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,405
While this is a tragedy for him, I imagine he is grateful that he gets to die with dignity, with people in his life that care, not under a bridge. I share that gratitude today that there are people like him in the rooms.
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Took a nap...feel much better..
You know how selfish I am??? I was thinking I wish people would stop inconviencing me with their terminal illness'.....Its just all about MEEEE....
love north
You know how selfish I am??? I was thinking I wish people would stop inconviencing me with their terminal illness'.....Its just all about MEEEE....
love north
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,707
i think there's selfishness in everybody North. I was hoping to get picked to talk at a meeting and i realized that alot of why i wanted to talk is because i like the attention.
I even like reading because i like how - after I say " I joe and I'm an addict" , people say
"hi Joe!"
am I that needy? I know I'm selfish, not all the time but F, I am selfish too.
I even like reading because i like how - after I say " I joe and I'm an addict" , people say
"hi Joe!"
am I that needy? I know I'm selfish, not all the time but F, I am selfish too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((North)))
I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know how close you are to the people in your meeetings.
My uncle died of pancreatic cancer over a year ago. He went through hospice, which was a huge blessing. Though he was medicated for pain, he continued to be alert and keep his sense of humor until the last 2 days, when he simply slept more. Even then, he would wake up and talk to his family.
I truly hope your friend has a similar journey.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know how close you are to the people in your meeetings.
My uncle died of pancreatic cancer over a year ago. He went through hospice, which was a huge blessing. Though he was medicated for pain, he continued to be alert and keep his sense of humor until the last 2 days, when he simply slept more. Even then, he would wake up and talk to his family.
I truly hope your friend has a similar journey.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
I have felt so much ANXIETY lately..I mean my life is good...but it is overwhelming and I drink too much coffee....
But ...as fate ..or god I suppose!!...would have it..I have a new friend that has asked me if I would help him work the steps...he is gay so that takes away any sexual tension!(god knows I alays cave in to that ).. He is a sweet person who has a helluva story...He produced his OWN money orders on the computer and cashed em to the tune of fifty thousand!! Said he came out of a black out down in the lower 48 with a pocket full of cash...alaska found him and brought him back....!! He has 30 days ....I HAVE to stay ok for other people!! Another friend of mine just has 3 days off her latest crack cocaine binge and I am trying to be there for her...So I just can't give in to the insanity that wants to creep up on me....that little voice that tells me to go to the hospital and work the er doctor...the voice that makes me feel like I am drawn to the booze aisle in the store...that voice that tells me lifes too hard ....Cause I am just one drink or drug away from that world I came from..I don't want to go back!!
off to bed//
love north
But ...as fate ..or god I suppose!!...would have it..I have a new friend that has asked me if I would help him work the steps...he is gay so that takes away any sexual tension!(god knows I alays cave in to that ).. He is a sweet person who has a helluva story...He produced his OWN money orders on the computer and cashed em to the tune of fifty thousand!! Said he came out of a black out down in the lower 48 with a pocket full of cash...alaska found him and brought him back....!! He has 30 days ....I HAVE to stay ok for other people!! Another friend of mine just has 3 days off her latest crack cocaine binge and I am trying to be there for her...So I just can't give in to the insanity that wants to creep up on me....that little voice that tells me to go to the hospital and work the er doctor...the voice that makes me feel like I am drawn to the booze aisle in the store...that voice that tells me lifes too hard ....Cause I am just one drink or drug away from that world I came from..I don't want to go back!!
off to bed//
love north
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((North)))
Being ok for other people is fine, but how 'bout being ok for YOU?!?! You DO deserve it, ya know?
Of course you're anxious...friends with cancer, job interviews, too much coffee, etc. Using isn't going to solve a single one of those issues, but it IS going to make you feel pretty darned lousy after the fact.
Why not try deep breaths, a few positive statements about yourself (I usually have a hard time believing them, about me, but tell myself anyway
), and repeat as needed.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Being ok for other people is fine, but how 'bout being ok for YOU?!?! You DO deserve it, ya know?
Of course you're anxious...friends with cancer, job interviews, too much coffee, etc. Using isn't going to solve a single one of those issues, but it IS going to make you feel pretty darned lousy after the fact.
Why not try deep breaths, a few positive statements about yourself (I usually have a hard time believing them, about me, but tell myself anyway
), and repeat as needed.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Belle
I was taught in rehab that I was very selfish in my addiction, and that I have to be just as selfish in my recovery. I have to put myself first no matter what when it comes to my recovery cause this is a life or death situation. By doing this...by taking care of myself first, I will then be able to take care of and help someone else.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF....THE REST WILL FOLLOW!
Happy Easter
Penny
I was taught in rehab that I was very selfish in my addiction, and that I have to be just as selfish in my recovery. I have to put myself first no matter what when it comes to my recovery cause this is a life or death situation. By doing this...by taking care of myself first, I will then be able to take care of and help someone else.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF....THE REST WILL FOLLOW!
Happy Easter
Penny
Now with fewer opiates!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southern New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by northbelle 
he is gay so that takes away any sexual tension!
("Oh, come on, I'm over 40. not married and involved in musical theatre. You do the math"- Nathan Lane)
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Thanks you guys...
I don't know HOW to take care of myself sometimes...but I am figuring it out! I started by praying this morning..get things in focus a bit..
I am REALLY excited. I hooked my son up with a counselor that he is seeing for the first time this week. He has a book out called Deep Trauma Healing..For Those Who Dare...he has been inrecvoery from addiction for over 20 years ..heroin addict...has a wife and four kids..black belt martial arts studio. His method of therapy sounds SO cool...so...HUMANE....and he understands what Chance has been through ...
having two addicts for parents? Yeah..there has got to be osme trauma there!....Chance is doing alot better though..he has alot of people in his life..recovery is a family thing..Get busy livin...or get busy dyin..
Penny..I must tell you I am really taken with you....you aer such a strong woman...the story about your mom on another thread...guuurl...that is some heavy stuff...
In 2002 when I went to prison my mom ..who was the person I loved most in this whole nasty a##ed world..got cancer and was supposed to die before I got out to see her..
SHe didn't..she waited for me..
After not seeing her , being locked up for a year...I got out of jail..and went STRAIGHT...wearing my prison clothes with a box in my hands..(no lie)..to the rest home were she was at and saw heragain...all 70 pounds of her..at deaths door...I got to say goodbye to her and told her I would be alright...She said "will you??"...We held each other and said good-bye...my little mama died the next day...
Penny your mom knows your alright now ..and she is glad you are where you are at...I just know it!!!
((((Amy))))...I am goign to do the mantra thing ..thanks for the reminder...I have to slow down...I have alot on my plate right now...but we know how to balance those "plates" , don't we ???? hehe..a little waitress humore..you sound so good amy..how is Brittt doin???
Hey Penny..tell us about your kiddos if ya don't mind...I have worked through SO much MOM GUILT in recovery..still doing it too...!!
Happy easter SR family..
north loves ya
I don't know HOW to take care of myself sometimes...but I am figuring it out! I started by praying this morning..get things in focus a bit..
I am REALLY excited. I hooked my son up with a counselor that he is seeing for the first time this week. He has a book out called Deep Trauma Healing..For Those Who Dare...he has been inrecvoery from addiction for over 20 years ..heroin addict...has a wife and four kids..black belt martial arts studio. His method of therapy sounds SO cool...so...HUMANE....and he understands what Chance has been through ...
having two addicts for parents? Yeah..there has got to be osme trauma there!....Chance is doing alot better though..he has alot of people in his life..recovery is a family thing..Get busy livin...or get busy dyin..
Penny..I must tell you I am really taken with you....you aer such a strong woman...the story about your mom on another thread...guuurl...that is some heavy stuff...
In 2002 when I went to prison my mom ..who was the person I loved most in this whole nasty a##ed world..got cancer and was supposed to die before I got out to see her..
SHe didn't..she waited for me..
After not seeing her , being locked up for a year...I got out of jail..and went STRAIGHT...wearing my prison clothes with a box in my hands..(no lie)..to the rest home were she was at and saw heragain...all 70 pounds of her..at deaths door...I got to say goodbye to her and told her I would be alright...She said "will you??"...We held each other and said good-bye...my little mama died the next day...
Penny your mom knows your alright now ..and she is glad you are where you are at...I just know it!!!
((((Amy))))...I am goign to do the mantra thing ..thanks for the reminder...I have to slow down...I have alot on my plate right now...but we know how to balance those "plates" , don't we ???? hehe..a little waitress humore..you sound so good amy..how is Brittt doin???
Hey Penny..tell us about your kiddos if ya don't mind...I have worked through SO much MOM GUILT in recovery..still doing it too...!!
Happy easter SR family..
north loves ya
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Awww Bear,,,that WIll be my mantra for the day,,so profound and appropriate....hehe..
Yeah my son really took a likeing to him and was rather shocked by his sexual orientation...!! Chance always likes to say he is homophobic...and I mean he is 11 for gods sake...So now he is seeing that real men come in all different package....he took Chance to church yesterday..they were sooo cute together in their suits!!!!!!!!!!! I will post a photo later...he is sending me one...heheheh..
Ahhhh.....life is good yes?????
love ya silly ole' bear!
norty
Yeah my son really took a likeing to him and was rather shocked by his sexual orientation...!! Chance always likes to say he is homophobic...and I mean he is 11 for gods sake...So now he is seeing that real men come in all different package....he took Chance to church yesterday..they were sooo cute together in their suits!!!!!!!!!!! I will post a photo later...he is sending me one...heheheh..
Ahhhh.....life is good yes?????
love ya silly ole' bear!
norty
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