I am so mad right now
Go Browns!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 642
I am so mad right now
I cannot believe this is happening. The only people who knew about what was going on with my addiction were my husband my best friend and my parents. I made it VERY VERY clear to my parents not to tell anybody. I said SPECIFICALLY "DO NOT TELL JEFF" (Jeff my brother who has the same name as my husband) I said do not tell Jeff and they ******* told him anyway. I cant believe they had the audacity to do that to me.
His wife is a judgemental bitch and chances are if he knows, so does she. I really didnt want him to know. He knew about it 6 months ago when I quit the first time and he was ok with it. You have to understand the family dynamics and relationships to understand why this is a problem but it doesnt matter. I cannot ******* believe they did this to me I am not going to forgive them.
His wife is a judgemental bitch and chances are if he knows, so does she. I really didnt want him to know. He knew about it 6 months ago when I quit the first time and he was ok with it. You have to understand the family dynamics and relationships to understand why this is a problem but it doesnt matter. I cannot ******* believe they did this to me I am not going to forgive them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nallabelle)))
I'm sorry they told your brother, but unfortunately, this is another one of those consequences we have to face about our addiction. Yes, you asked them not to tell him, but they did. Now you have to deal with it.
I think, if you really think about it, you're more angry that your secret it out. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I know that's what I went through. Yes, it would be great if only select people knew. Unfortunately, in real life, our secrets have a way of being found out. People may tell, even though we ask them not to, they may do it intentionally or unintentionally.
What's done is done. You're asking your family to forgive you for lying, using, etc., but you are talking about not forgiving them for telling your brother about all of this?
Sorry for the dose of reality, sweetie, but this is what happens when reality smacks us in the face. In all honesty, you'll be lucky if ONLY your family finds out. Most of us have to deal with coworkers and others knowing all our dirty little secrets. Mine is on a criminal background sheet and potential employers and apt. rental agencies will know for the rest of my life.
I know this sucks, and I'm not trying to make light of it, but I hope you think about what I've posted.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry they told your brother, but unfortunately, this is another one of those consequences we have to face about our addiction. Yes, you asked them not to tell him, but they did. Now you have to deal with it.
I think, if you really think about it, you're more angry that your secret it out. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I know that's what I went through. Yes, it would be great if only select people knew. Unfortunately, in real life, our secrets have a way of being found out. People may tell, even though we ask them not to, they may do it intentionally or unintentionally.
What's done is done. You're asking your family to forgive you for lying, using, etc., but you are talking about not forgiving them for telling your brother about all of this?
Sorry for the dose of reality, sweetie, but this is what happens when reality smacks us in the face. In all honesty, you'll be lucky if ONLY your family finds out. Most of us have to deal with coworkers and others knowing all our dirty little secrets. Mine is on a criminal background sheet and potential employers and apt. rental agencies will know for the rest of my life.
I know this sucks, and I'm not trying to make light of it, but I hope you think about what I've posted.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Go Browns!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 642
Well maybe youre right. But Im still pissed. I just feel betrayed because I TOLD them not to. They were like "we needed someone to talk to because we couldnt sleep at night". I said "oh well you should have gone to see a ******* shrink".
Look my brother loves me but he just doesnt understand. He is also a really well known business man and close-minded (republican- sorry just had to throw that out there). He thinks I take advantage of my parents with them watching my kids. I just dont want to hear his **** or know him and his bitch ass wife are going to be looking at me like im a drug addict. I know I deserve alot of this but God I hate my life.
Look my brother loves me but he just doesnt understand. He is also a really well known business man and close-minded (republican- sorry just had to throw that out there). He thinks I take advantage of my parents with them watching my kids. I just dont want to hear his **** or know him and his bitch ass wife are going to be looking at me like im a drug addict. I know I deserve alot of this but God I hate my life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 52
I know that i lied and cheated behind my parents back, and i dont know if you have, but if you have, it seems to me like there just doing it back to you.
You problay have lied about something to them, and if not, im not pointing a finger, but now you can see how much it suckks to be lied and cheated on.
Not sure if this even makes any sence, but hope all goes well.
You problay have lied about something to them, and if not, im not pointing a finger, but now you can see how much it suckks to be lied and cheated on.
Not sure if this even makes any sence, but hope all goes well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nallabelle)))
My dad doesn't understand either. He told EVERYONE about my crack addiction. I didn't like it but, hey, it's not like he was lying.
Fast forward to recently, when my stepmom became addicted to lortabs. My 15-year-old niece (who we are raising) was on the phone with a friend, the night stepmom got arrested for trying to fill a fraudulent prescription. Dad snapped at her "well why don't you just call the f'ing newspaper!?!?!" I snapped back, "hey, you told everyone about MY addiction, what's the big difference? Because this is your WIFE? Get over it!!"
It's always different when it happens to us. You say you don't want your brother and his wife looking at you "like I'm a drug addict" um, honey you ARE a drug addict. Maybe not the image some of us have in our head as what a "drug addict" looks like, but just maybe you can change their attitude of what a "drug addict" looks like...we're NOT bad people, we just made some bad choices.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My dad doesn't understand either. He told EVERYONE about my crack addiction. I didn't like it but, hey, it's not like he was lying.
Fast forward to recently, when my stepmom became addicted to lortabs. My 15-year-old niece (who we are raising) was on the phone with a friend, the night stepmom got arrested for trying to fill a fraudulent prescription. Dad snapped at her "well why don't you just call the f'ing newspaper!?!?!" I snapped back, "hey, you told everyone about MY addiction, what's the big difference? Because this is your WIFE? Get over it!!"
It's always different when it happens to us. You say you don't want your brother and his wife looking at you "like I'm a drug addict" um, honey you ARE a drug addict. Maybe not the image some of us have in our head as what a "drug addict" looks like, but just maybe you can change their attitude of what a "drug addict" looks like...we're NOT bad people, we just made some bad choices.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
I used to ask my husband and family..."Just who and what are ya'll gonna talk about when I get clean?"..."Who will you blame for everything?"
Just the other day my aunt called my dad and asked him if I was using again. All because I don't pick the phone up and call her everyday....I said "damn, I'm trying to concentrate on my recovery right now, checking in with you is not a part of that". :wtf2
Just the other day my aunt called my dad and asked him if I was using again. All because I don't pick the phone up and call her everyday....I said "damn, I'm trying to concentrate on my recovery right now, checking in with you is not a part of that". :wtf2
Go Browns!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 642
Thanks guys.
Im at my parents house tonight with my kids (long story, nothing bad). I called my husband crying because I felt betrayed by my parents. Well he proceeded to tell me that he knew they told my bro and that my bro called him last night to talk about it. He said he is just concered. I started crying because I feel like all this is going on behnd my back. Im mad and also ashamed. I dont want to be looked down upon. Whether is right or wrong, I dont want my bro (or anyone for that matter) to think things are/were worse than what they are.
It just sucks to see things come out and come to light. I thought I had it under control. I dont want to labeled a drug addict but youre right I guess I am one.
Im at my parents house tonight with my kids (long story, nothing bad). I called my husband crying because I felt betrayed by my parents. Well he proceeded to tell me that he knew they told my bro and that my bro called him last night to talk about it. He said he is just concered. I started crying because I feel like all this is going on behnd my back. Im mad and also ashamed. I dont want to be looked down upon. Whether is right or wrong, I dont want my bro (or anyone for that matter) to think things are/were worse than what they are.
It just sucks to see things come out and come to light. I thought I had it under control. I dont want to labeled a drug addict but youre right I guess I am one.
Women Do Recover!
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: So Cal/SE TX
Posts: 210
Nallabelle, that solution to having your parents keep your business off the street is to back up from them. Then they won't be in your business. I am not sure how old you are but hardly nothing is confidential unless it is with a shrink - unfortunately.
I find this interesting, should we look up to and respect drug addicts (I am one) ??? Why they don't respect themselves. Sometimes the solution to our addiction is ADMITTING who and what we really are. DRUG ADDICTS
Try not to be so hard on the people that love you. Have you heard that poem that says "people that judge you don't matter?" Remember that - screw the sister in law, hold you head up and step into recovery girl!
Were hear and were waiting for you.
I dont want to be looked down upon.
Try not to be so hard on the people that love you. Have you heard that poem that says "people that judge you don't matter?" Remember that - screw the sister in law, hold you head up and step into recovery girl!
Were hear and were waiting for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nallabelle)))
I know this is hard, sweetie. I was better at beating myself up than anyone else ever good. With recovery, though, we move past all this. We can't change the past, but we can darn sure keep from making the same mistakes and our loved ones will see the changes. It just takes time, and we usually aren't very patient, but we don't really have choice in the matter.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know this is hard, sweetie. I was better at beating myself up than anyone else ever good. With recovery, though, we move past all this. We can't change the past, but we can darn sure keep from making the same mistakes and our loved ones will see the changes. It just takes time, and we usually aren't very patient, but we don't really have choice in the matter.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
hang in there nalla....I couldnt' save my ass and my face at the same time.
Recovery is so worth it.
Me telling someone what to say or what not to say doesnt mean I have control over it.
I can make suggestions and requests and not have expectations that will set me up for disappointment.
The types of examples you have talked about (telling others what to do/say or what not to do or say) are really good examples admitting what we are powerless over.
Getting real is simple but it is not easy.
Recovery brings honesty and humility into our lives.
Stay the course,
Missy
Recovery is so worth it.
Me telling someone what to say or what not to say doesnt mean I have control over it.
I can make suggestions and requests and not have expectations that will set me up for disappointment.
The types of examples you have talked about (telling others what to do/say or what not to do or say) are really good examples admitting what we are powerless over.
Getting real is simple but it is not easy.
Recovery brings honesty and humility into our lives.
Stay the course,
Missy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: US
Posts: 46
Hi Nallabelle, this thread made me think of when I was at treatment detoxing off of opiates and the third week there we had "Family Program"...I was fine with my husband coming but I was really stuck on the idea that I did NOT want my parents coming. I did not want them so into "my business" (never mind that they were the ones who paid out of pocket for me to be there!). I was grabbing at something to control, even tried to cancel them coming when they had already driven up and were at a hotel! I was hysterically crying, FREAKING out! I remember the fear and loss of control I felt as some of the most intense hours of that entire month I was there.
It is so hard to come to terms with the consequences of addiction, and how it really does affect our families in MANY ways that we can't/won't see. You are doing great!
It is so hard to come to terms with the consequences of addiction, and how it really does affect our families in MANY ways that we can't/won't see. You are doing great!
Now with fewer opiates!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southern New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,405
Sweetheart, darling, love of my life...
You know we talked about this. They all need their space to understand and deal.
When all of my sh!t went down, I insisted my partner not tell anyone. Consequently, he had no-one to talk to. How unfair was I?
We're not in any position to be throwing around phrases like "never forgive"...especially since we seek the forgiveness of others, however undeserved at this point.
I know all of this is a "moo" point right now as you appear to have settled.
Talk soon...
You know we talked about this. They all need their space to understand and deal.
When all of my sh!t went down, I insisted my partner not tell anyone. Consequently, he had no-one to talk to. How unfair was I?
We're not in any position to be throwing around phrases like "never forgive"...especially since we seek the forgiveness of others, however undeserved at this point.
I know all of this is a "moo" point right now as you appear to have settled.
Talk soon...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Nalla,
I really do understand where you are coming from. In fact, I haven't told a single person except other NA members about my substance use at all. The only other person who knew was my supply, and he is not in my life anymore (exabf).
My first sponsor told my son about me being an addict, and I immediately dropped her. It has been very hard to get over this violation of trust...it took me 6 months after that to trust someone else.
But your family doesn't have the same obligation to respect your anonymity as a sponsor does. Maybe it's time to get a sponsor you can tell your deepest darkest struggles and secrets to, and then you can stop relying on people in your family who can't understand our issues???
Love,
KJ
I really do understand where you are coming from. In fact, I haven't told a single person except other NA members about my substance use at all. The only other person who knew was my supply, and he is not in my life anymore (exabf).
My first sponsor told my son about me being an addict, and I immediately dropped her. It has been very hard to get over this violation of trust...it took me 6 months after that to trust someone else.
But your family doesn't have the same obligation to respect your anonymity as a sponsor does. Maybe it's time to get a sponsor you can tell your deepest darkest struggles and secrets to, and then you can stop relying on people in your family who can't understand our issues???
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
People always disappoint. My family told the world but then again it was all over the internet so no point in putting kitty litter on it. The best way to deal with this is to be forth right and upfront. If you act ashamed people will treat you that way. You can act proud of yourself and really a person would look mean spirited and petty to be nasty to a person that is trying to recover. Get your pink elephant out of the room so to speak and nobody will talk trash cause you are honest about dealing with that elephant. It's on them to be nasty not you plus anger and resentments make us want to return to using to cover those feelings so yes acknowledge your cover is blown but hold your head up and be straightforward about it you will find that that is a hard thing for anyone to shoot down.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 7
Nalla, I am on your side, here. Two reasons, the first being that you had specifically requested that your parents not divulge this information to your brother, and they went ahead and did so anyway. Secondly, I understand that there are just certain people we just don't want knowing our private business, addiction or anything else, as they are judgmental/gossipy/fill in your own reason. The fact that you are struggling with addiction does not abrogate your right to a degree of privacy and basic human dignity, and your parents' action violated that.
With all that being said, I think you need to find it in your heart to understand why they did what they did, forgive, and move forward.
I pray that you continue your path of recovery, and don't let anything stop you! Freedom is so, so sweet.
With all that being said, I think you need to find it in your heart to understand why they did what they did, forgive, and move forward.
I pray that you continue your path of recovery, and don't let anything stop you! Freedom is so, so sweet.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
hi - i read a lot on sr but don't really post much - i really just wanted to add a different perspective - some *program talk* so to speak and the perspective of a sister of a crack addict who's 2 children i had custody of for a while when she wasn't able to care for them (it's her 40th birthday next week and i'm sending some stuff and came accross a picture of 2 years ago almost to the day of her birthday - i was angry that she and her boyfriend chose to spend $75,000 (a settlement) on crack and then just assume i'd say here's your kids you neglected for 6 months - see you later...
i had every right to talk to whoever i wanted about MY reality - HER addiction made it a part of MY life - probably similarly to you and your parents - addiction is a selfish disease but it's also a family disease - your addiction has an affect on lots of people - part of the consequences of your actions are living with the truth of the people you've hurt through your drug use - but you're only as sick as your secrets - now that the truth is out you can get well - you don't have to hide anymore - it must be painful to feel the shame but it's only a feeling - you'll get past it - just like the resentment you feel for your family - you'll get past it...
everyone in my family just really wanted the best for my sister - but children are the casualties of this - they have no choice - and it breaks my heart - sometimes we have to do for someone what they are not capable of doing for themselves - that's what i told my sister when i made my amends to her while working the steps in my program of recovery - i made my amends to her this christmas - the first time i spoke to her since she and her boyfriend came in the night and picked up her kids 2 years ago - it's been healing for both of us...
we all move past the anger and if you work a program of recovery you can get healthy - i know i have and i had no addiction to any physical thing - just an addiction to martyrdom and trying to control all the people, places and things in my life - i now know i have no control over others and what they do in their lives - i can only control myself and my reaction to what happens in my life - just like anyone else in the world...
i just wanted to offer a different perspective - good luck - *it works if you work it*...
s
i had every right to talk to whoever i wanted about MY reality - HER addiction made it a part of MY life - probably similarly to you and your parents - addiction is a selfish disease but it's also a family disease - your addiction has an affect on lots of people - part of the consequences of your actions are living with the truth of the people you've hurt through your drug use - but you're only as sick as your secrets - now that the truth is out you can get well - you don't have to hide anymore - it must be painful to feel the shame but it's only a feeling - you'll get past it - just like the resentment you feel for your family - you'll get past it...
everyone in my family just really wanted the best for my sister - but children are the casualties of this - they have no choice - and it breaks my heart - sometimes we have to do for someone what they are not capable of doing for themselves - that's what i told my sister when i made my amends to her while working the steps in my program of recovery - i made my amends to her this christmas - the first time i spoke to her since she and her boyfriend came in the night and picked up her kids 2 years ago - it's been healing for both of us...
we all move past the anger and if you work a program of recovery you can get healthy - i know i have and i had no addiction to any physical thing - just an addiction to martyrdom and trying to control all the people, places and things in my life - i now know i have no control over others and what they do in their lives - i can only control myself and my reaction to what happens in my life - just like anyone else in the world...
i just wanted to offer a different perspective - good luck - *it works if you work it*...
s
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I do understand family dynamics, I really do.
However, it was hard for me to understand that addiction thrives in the shroud of secrecy.
As I got further along in my recovery, it became important for me to have a more transparent life, if you will.
I found that as long as I was honest, open, and willing in everything that I did, I couldn't go wrong.
:ghug :ghug
However, it was hard for me to understand that addiction thrives in the shroud of secrecy.
As I got further along in my recovery, it became important for me to have a more transparent life, if you will.
I found that as long as I was honest, open, and willing in everything that I did, I couldn't go wrong.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Hi, recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 173 days clean. I say, forgive and forget...let me tell you why...
I worried both my parents so much during my addiction, especially my mom. Last May, she had begged me to go to rehab, I finally agreed, and she found a facility and talked to a counseler there and set it up for me to go.
Two days before I was scheduled to leave, my mom suddenly passed away. She was taking a nap, and she didn't wake up. I was there, I found her. She was my best friend.
I can't help but to think that I contributed to her death. All the worry I put her through.
Needless to say, I didn't go to rehab at that time. Instead I spiraled further into my self-destruction. I used more than I ever had, I didn't care if I lived or died. Honestly. for four months I had a death wish, and I'm lucky I didn't succeed.
I woke up one morning in September and made the call that saved my life. My rock bottom happened when my mom died...I just extended it for 4 months. I was worring my poor father to death, along with my husband and kids.
So, I checked into rehab on September 25,2008, and the rest is history.
I live everyday regreting that my mom died knowing he only daughter was an addict. Recoverey would be so much easier if she was still here.
Forgive your parents...they love you and want the best for you.
Thanks for letting me share
I worried both my parents so much during my addiction, especially my mom. Last May, she had begged me to go to rehab, I finally agreed, and she found a facility and talked to a counseler there and set it up for me to go.
Two days before I was scheduled to leave, my mom suddenly passed away. She was taking a nap, and she didn't wake up. I was there, I found her. She was my best friend.
I can't help but to think that I contributed to her death. All the worry I put her through.
Needless to say, I didn't go to rehab at that time. Instead I spiraled further into my self-destruction. I used more than I ever had, I didn't care if I lived or died. Honestly. for four months I had a death wish, and I'm lucky I didn't succeed.
I woke up one morning in September and made the call that saved my life. My rock bottom happened when my mom died...I just extended it for 4 months. I was worring my poor father to death, along with my husband and kids.
So, I checked into rehab on September 25,2008, and the rest is history.
I live everyday regreting that my mom died knowing he only daughter was an addict. Recoverey would be so much easier if she was still here.
Forgive your parents...they love you and want the best for you.
Thanks for letting me share
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
